The Sword of Truth
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Approaching the stairwell to the Library Palace to borrow Terry Goodkind's new book, you are amazed by the sheer sight and beauty of the library. Stone columns lacquered with marble and gold stand before you. You've never been to a place like this before, and you're smart enough to keep your guard up in the new strange place. Merchants and common folks have set up stands trading every assortment of sausages and crops to anyone who will buy. Others are trying to sell magical spells and potions, making promises of good fortune with womenfolk if taken. You are not distracted by such things though, your mission lays directly ahead. You take in every person as you walk by, making note of potential dangers and oddities.
With a calm resolve, you continue to approach the Library. You are from the hood, where such marvels as books dont exist, and all forms of magic have been removed. As you reach the main door of the libary, you are approached by a guard in a suit of heavy armor and deadly weapons. His muscles bulge out of every part of his body, including his face. His penis even bulges through his tight pants - a D'Haran can always maintain an erection. Always. You calmly but confidently place your hand on the hilt of your switchblade, and explain to the guard that you are a simple traveler and that you need to be permitted to pass.
As you look through the now open entrance to the library, the blood drains from your face and you halt in place. Your hand goes around the hilt of your Gun, your knuckles turning white around the handle as you feel the letters Truth press into your palm. You didn't expect this encounter, but you are instantly prepared all the same. Ahead stands the librarian, with muscles bulging out of everything just like the guard.
Immediately you feel the gun rush into your hand and out of the holster. Intense anger pulses through your veins as you prepare for the dance with death. Cut, poke, thrust. Jump, dash, dive. (Stop, drop, roll?) Before the Librarian's mouth can open to scream her surprise, the bullet has already left your gun. She is yours. Time is yours. The bullet rushes through the air, almost in slow motion. After a split second, her head is flying apart, brains and bone shattering and flying in every direction.
Ahead, you see Terry Goodkind's new book on the shelf. You immediately lunge for it and grab it before anybody else has the time to think and react. Quickly you scan the pages to be sure its not a copy, and that it is the original book.
About the Book
The Sword of Truth book series was created by author Terry Goodkind. The book starts with a young woods guide named Richard Cypher. Terry Goodkind goes on to explain about Richard's life so far and his past, like his father death. Later on in the book, Richard meets a woman named Kahlan Amnell that came from a distant land called the Midlands. From then on Richard uncovers secrets about Kahlan, himself, and all of the world from his friend Zeddicus Zul' Zorander who possess wizardly powers. Their journey continues once Richard is named the Seeker, the only person alive who can defeat the bloodthirsty tyrant, Darken Rahl. Terry Goodkind really puts you with the characters and makes the experience real and the characters have their own unique, distinct personality.
Mainly the plot of the book circles around killing and rape - usually at the same time (raping first, then killing or why not the other way around?). It begins with super- hot woods guide Richard Cypher who sees a hot woman that he starts to tail. She is however allready followed by some men who want's to kick her ass. Richard fights them off and they become best buddies. They both go to Richard's friend Zedd who reveals that he is a wizard. They find him naked on a big stone, most likely touching himself when no one is around. Zedd tells Richard he is a seeker and that he has to kill an evil guy kalled Darken Rahl. (Yeah, cause that is a real good name. I mean seriousely: "Darken"? Who the fuck gives their kid that name?) Anyway, after approximately 500 pages of pure nonesense Richard defeats Rahl and it ends all happily as all fantasy books do. The End...? Fuck no! There is about another 11 books before this story is over.
Richard Cypher He is a woods- guide who just wants to live a simple life. However, his life changes when a beautiful woman (Kahlan) wanders into his life and makes him her bitch. After saving her and retreating to safety Richard talks to his grandfather Zedd who assigned him the Sword of Truth. This sends Richard and this new- found master on adventure to change the path the world walks. And Richard becomes the guide, even if he is a hobo.
Kahlan Amnell She is the hot woman who bumps into Richard when being chased by a couple of thugs. By touching other people she make them their bithces. In some weird way Richard, in the end, is not made into her bitch (at least not in that way). Because she is so hot Richard does her bidding. Their common enemy, Darken Rahl, has a crush on her.
Zedd' He is a wizard who strangely does not have a beard. He cut it off because people would constantly mistake him for Gandalf. Somehow he has the ability to make some random dudes think their dicks were gone without using magic. He told them it was gone and they believed it. This is one of the first in a long- ass line of things that don't make logical sense, even though the books are based upon logic and reason. Go fucking figure Terry Goodkind.
Darken Rahl The antagonist and also Richards Father. shit *SPOILER.* Too late. Damn. Anyway, he bribes little kids with pie. They follow him, then burries them in white sand and shoves pie down their throats. (When he in fact wanted to show something else down their throats.) He will then proceed to slice open their belly and rape their organs because this will allow him to not die when he goes to the underworld, which is gay cuz if u go there Zedd says u die.
Here are the
spoilers plots of all the books.
Wizard's First Rule
Richard is assigned the sword of truth and must figure out what makes chocolate so tasty so as to prevent Darken Rahl from ruling the world. However, Richard fails to discover the tastiness of chocolate and is instead captured by a mord sith. He is tortured into giving out the ending of Harry Potter and the Professor Formerly Known As the Half Blood Prince. Richard was the only one who knew the ending because Harry Potter books were banned thousands of years ago. Darken Rahl needed to know the ending of this book. He had three boxes- two would kill him and one would make him immortal. To find out which would make him immortal, he needed to know who killed Dumbledore. Instead of telling Darken that Snape killed Dumbledore, Richard lied and told him that Luna Lovegood killed Dumbledore. Therefore, Darken Rahl opened the wrong box and was sent to hell. Oh, and Kahlan makes Darken's childhood friend cut off his own balls.
Stone of Tears
Richard must find out what makes emo kids cry. Sadly, Richard gets kidnapped by a mob of suicidal nuns who force him to go to Hogwarts to learn how to be a wizard. Richard fails all subjects and instead, burns down the school. Afterwards, he realizes that stones are the number one cause of emoness. He then hops on a dragon and spreads the word of stones being evil. Later, he and Kahlan get it on. Which is actually the most exciting part of this book.
Blood of The Fold
Here, we meet the Blood of The Fold. They wish to destroy all things magic- often by using magic. Richard soon learns that he is the spawn of Darth Vader. Therefore, he will take his father's place in ruling the galaxy. However, he has competition when we meet Emperor Jagang and his army- The Imperial Order. Richard goes batshit crazy with the force and starts killing stuff (including humans) and proceeds to see his mistress Khalan screw everything up and make it so that a fourth book had to be made.
Temple of The Winds
Jagang spreads a mass plague by making his personal whores fuck every man with a working dick. Almost everyone becomes infected by it. Richard then stops it by going into The Temple of The Winds which gives you full knowledge. However, the only way he was able to get into the temple was by being religious and having his girlfriend fuck his brother, who happened to be himself. So Richard converts to Buddhism and goes in after getting it on with Kahlan as his brother. He then gets the knowledge to stop the plague. Sadly, to leave the temple, Richard must take the plague upon himself. Before departing, he writes the answer to healing himself on his hand. Kahlan then had to save him by throwing dirt at him while chanting devilish words. Richard heals and finally marries Kahlan. But Kahlan made it so that a sequel had to be made again.
Soul of The Fire
Richard and Kahlan get it on again until people start to spontaneously combust near fire and water. After discovering a monster chicken pecking out the eyes of warriors, Zedd realizes that the devilish words Kahlan chanted in Temple of The Winds created a cataclysm that destroyed magic. Luckily, Richard constructed a giant bell to retain the evil spirits that were destroying the magic. Kahlan also conceived a child from Richard but lost the child after she got beaten.
Faith of The Fallen
Richard is kidnapped by another nun and forced to go to Jagang's homeland to see how much better life is under his rule. Rule under Jagang was a lot like rule under Fidel Castro. After many months of working in a communist society, Richard learns about Che Guevara and realizes that he must stick it to the man. Soon, everyone is killing off their oppressors and Richard manages to escape and
fuck be with Kahlan again.
Pillars of Creation
Richard and Kahlan are barely in this book. Instead, it focuses on goat-furry redhead, Jennsen, who believes Darken Rahl is going to kill her for being ginger. She joins up with Jagang and it isn't until the end of the book that Jennsen realizes that Jagang is an asshole and Richard pwns.
Richard, Kahlan, and Jennsen discover an empire of naked people who call themselves The Bandakar. The Imperial Order take over their little town and The Bandakar convince Richard to save them. By teaching them the ways of Che Guevara, The Bandakar manage to overthrow The Imperial Order by themselves. While The Imperial Order was being overthrown, Richard decides to kill an evil crow that was possessed by Saint Nicolas.
A group of satanic nuns steal Kahlan and started a spell to make everybody forget her. Only Richard is able to remember her because he wields The Sword of Truth. After arguing with Zedd about the seriousness of the situation, they learn all about the chainfire spell which enables people to forget a memorable person. During this time, Richard is being hunted by a grue sent by Jagang and his group of whores.
Kahlan feels as if she is some sort of phantom because nobody knows who she is except for her captors who enslaved her. Jagang finds out about this and steals Kahlan to defeat Richard and his army. Instead of saving Kahlan's life, Richard tries to rid the world of communism. Unfortunately, Richard gets captured by a gang of football players who force him to join their team.
In this last book of the series, Richard finds out that the Sword of Truth shows people the truth of Kahlan existing. Therefore, he gets everyone he knows to molest his sword. Then, he is able to rescue Kahlan from Jagang but first- he must win the Superbowl. He succeeds which causes a riot between the Raiders and 49ers fans. While the psychotic football fans kill eachother off, Richard kidnaps Kahlan from Jagang and runs off to a magical castle. There, he uses Darken Rahl's magical boxes and his magical sword to become God. He creates a new world called Earth and sends all the magic haters to there. Over time, the magic haters, now known as Earthlings, only remember Richard as a protagonist in a book series. Wait a minute, there's a sequel? Damnit Kahlan!
The 10 Rules of Wizardry
In the Sword of Truth world, all wizards have rules they live by. They call them the "10 Rules of Wizardry." It takes an entire book for Richard to learn a new one.
- 1. Thou shall not tell lies to confuse stupid people.
- 2. Thou shall not bring harm upon those with good intentions.
- 3. Thou shall not let indulgences distract thy wits.
- 4. Thou shall forgive for it brings upon magic.
- 5. Thou shall observe actions rather than words.
- 6. Thou shall rule with reason.
- 7. Thou shall not dwell on the past.
- 8. Thou shall deserve victory.
- 9. Thou shall not believe in contradictions.
- 10. Thou shall not ignore truth.
- 11. Thou shall not be communist.
Legend of The Seeker
The Sword of Truth series recently became a tv show. However, this show has nothing to do with the book series. Instead, Richard is a boy going through puberty, Kahlan is the world's weakest confessor, Zedd is a chicken farmer and Darken Rahl is a pussy. Richard still gets the Sword of Truth, but the only truth it gives him is how to burn books. In each episode, Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd go on little adventures that get them one step closer to defeating Darken Rahl.
In the second season Darken Rahl is dead. Rich ard finds out that he just killed his brother which makes him go all emo, so he decides to grow emo hair along with a beard that looks like he just ate Kahlan's pussy. Along the way he meets the Mord'Sith bitch Cara who tries to not only get it on with Richard, but every person she meets. She and Kahlan eventually fuck each other...along with Dahlia another Mord'Sith. Then Kahlan somehow spilts herself causing to become a pscho sex fiendv bitch and a winy little teenage girl who gets jealous that Cara prefers Richard and who offers Richard the prospect of a threesome. Richard eventually gives himself over to his angers, and turns to the darkside which causes his sword to turn red and makes him go on a murderous rampage. This is all done while going on little adventures to find the stone of tears which is guarded by a abunch of sexy sterile monks who are pissed that they can't fuck each other. They are trying to find the stone of tears to stop the zombie apocalypse sent by the keepe. On the quest Richard is kidnapped by crazy control freak nuns. Who are split by good and evil. Richard loses all his wizrd power, Darken Rahl comes back to life. A new seeker is named while Richard is being kidnapped, this new Seeker committs suicide so Kahlan and Cara can live happily ever after. In the end the keeper turns out to be a little winy brat who needs Richard to protect him.