The Sword of Truth
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“I have a sword of truth. People say it's very magical.”
The Sword of Truth is a book series by Terry Goodkind aboout a magical sword that is given to a hobo. This sword gives anyone the power to slay trees, emo kids, grues, and all other unwanted shit. The sword can only be assigned to a seeker; a person who seeks the answers to unanswered questions such as, "if Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it?" and "if Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy all her friends?" The only person who can assign a sword to a seeker is an old wizard named Zedd. Dumbledore and Gandalf used to be able to assign the sword, but Dumbledore is too busy partying with the gay Greeks and Gandalf retired. Therefore, Zedd assigned the sword to a great hobo- Richard Cypher.
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[edit] Characters
Richard Cypher is a Woods Guide who just wants to live a simple life. However, his life changes when a beautiful woman(Kahlan) wanders into his life. After saving her and retreating to safety. Richard talks to his grandfather Zedd who assigned him the Sword of Truth. Which sends Richard and this new found beauty on adventure to change the path the world walks. And Richard becomes the guide.
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[edit] Books
Here are the spoilers plots of all the books.
[edit] Wizard's First Rule
Richard is assigned the sword of truth and must figure out what makes chocolate so tasty so as to prevent Darken Rahl from ruling the world. However, Richard fails to discover the tastiness of chocolate and is instead captured by a mord sith. He is tortured into giving out the ending of Harry Potter and the Professor Formerly Known As the Half Blood Prince. Richard was the only one who knew the ending because Harry Potter books were banned thousands of years ago. Darken Rahl needed to know the ending of this book. He had three boxes- two would kill him and one would make him immortal. To find out which would make him immortal, he needed to know who killed Dumbledore. Instead of telling Darken that Snape killed Dumbledore, Richard lied and told him that Luna Lovegood killed Dumbledore. Therefore, Darken Rahl opened the wrong box and was sent to hell. Oh, and Kahlan makes Darken's childhood friend cut off his own balls.
[edit] Stone of Tears
Richard must find out what makes emo kids cry. Sadly, Richard gets kidnapped by a mob of suicidal nuns who force him to go to Hogwarts to learn how to be a wizard. Richard fails all subjects and instead, burns down the school. Afterwards, he realizes that stones are the number one cause of emoness. He then hops on a dragon and spreads the word of stones being evil. Later, he and Kahlan get it on. Which is actually the most exciting part of this book.
[edit] Blood of The Fold
Here, we meet the Blood of The Fold. They wish to destroy all things magic- often by using magic. Richard soon learns that he is the spawn of Darken Rahl. Therefore, he will take his father's place in ruling the world. However, he has competition when we meet Emperor Jagang and his army- The Imperial Order.
[edit] Temple of The Winds
Jagang spreads a mass plague by making his personal whores fuck every man with a working dick. Almost everyone becomes infected by it. Richard then stops it by going into The Temple of The Winds which gives you full knowledge. However, the only way he was able to get into the temple was by being religious. So Richard converts to Buddhism and goes in. He then gets the knowledge to stop the plague. Sadly, to leave the temple, Richard must take the plague upon himself. Before departing, he writes the answer to healing himself on his hand. Kahlan then had to save him by throwing dirt at him while chanting devilish words. Richard heals and finally marries Kahlan.
[edit] Soul of The Fire
Richard and Kahlan get it on again until people start to spontaneously combust near fire and water. After discovering a monster chicken pecking out the eyes of warriors, Zedd realizes that the devilish words Kahlan chanted in Temple of The Winds created a cataclysm that destroyed magic. Luckily, Richard constructed a giant bell to retain the evil spirits that were destroying the magic. Kahlan also conceived a child from Richard but gets an abortion.
[edit] Faith of The Fallen
Richard is kidnapped by another nun and forced to go to Jagang's homeland to see how much better life is under his rule. Rule under Jagang was a lot like rule under Fidel Castro. After many months of working in a communist society, Richard learns about Che Guevara and realizes that he must stick it to the man. Soon, everyone is killing off their oppressors and Richard manages to escape and fuck be with Kahlan again.
[edit] Pillars of Creation
Richard and Kahlan are barely in this book. Instead, it focuses on goat-obsessed redhead, Jennsen, who believes Darken Rahl is going to kill her for being ginger. She joins up with Jagang and it isn't until the end of the book that Jennsen realizes that Jagang is an asshole and Richard pwns.
[edit] Naked Empire
Richard, Kahlan, and Jennsen discover an empire of naked people who call themselves The Bandkar. The Imperial Order take over their little town and The Bandakar convince Richard to save them. By teaching them the ways of Che Guevara, The Bandakar manage to overthrow The Imperial Order by themselves. While The Imperial Order was being overthrown, Richard decides to kill an evil crow that was possessed by Saint Nicolas.
[edit] Chainfire
A group of satanic nuns steal Kahlan and started a spell to make everybody forget her. Only Richard is able to remember her because he wields The Sword of Truth. After arguing with Zedd about the seriousness of the situation, they learn all about the chainfire spell which enables people to forget a memorable person. During this time, Richard is being hunted by a grue sent by Jagang and his group of whores.
[edit] Phantom
Kahlan feels as if she is some sort of phantom because nobody knows who she is except for her captors who enslaved her. Jagang finds out about this and steals Kahlan to defeat Richard and his army. Instead of saving Kahlan's life, Richard tries to rid the world of communism. Unfortunately, Richard gets captured by a gang of football players who force him to join their team.
[edit] Confessor
In this last book of the series, Richard finds out that the Sword of Truth shows people the truth of Kahlan existing. Therefore, he gets everyone he knows to molest his sword. Then, he is able to rescue Kahlan from Jagang but first- he must win the Superbowl. He succeeds which causes a riot between the Raiders and 49ers fans. While the psychotic football fans kill eachother off, Richard kidnaps Kahlan from Jagang and runs off to a magical castle. There, he uses Darken Rahl's magical boxes and his magical sword to become God. He creates a new world called Earth and sends all the magic haters to there. Over time, the magic haters, now known as Earthlings, only remember Richard as a protagonist in a book series.
[edit] The 10 Rules of Wizardry
In the Sword of Truth world, all wizards have rules they live by. They call them the "10 Rules of Wizardry." Richard learns a new one in each book.
- 1. Thou shall not tell lies to confuse stupid people.
- 2. Thou shall not bring harm upon those with good intentions.
- 3. Thou shall not let indulgences distract thy wits.
- 4. Thou shall forgive for it brings upon magic.
- 5. Thou shall observe actions rather than words.
- 6. Thou shall rule with reason.
- 7. Thou shall not dwell on the past.
- 8. Thou shall deserve victory.
- 9. Thou shall not believe in contradictions.
- 10. Thou shall not ignore truth.
[edit] Legend of The Seeker
The Sword of Truth series recently became a tv show. However, this show has nothing to do with the book series. Instead, Richard is a boy going through puberty, Kahlan is the world's weakest confessor, Zedd is a chicken farmer and Darken Rahl is a pussy. Richard still gets the Sword of Truth, but the only truth it gives him is how to burn books. In each episode, Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd go on little adventures that get them one step closer to defeating Darken Rahl.
