The Stone Roses

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“I'd let them Ian my brown anyday”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Stone Roses

“What the hell was i smoking?”
~ Oscar Wilde on the above quote

The Stone Roses were group of three Time Agents and their pet monkey, arrived in Manchester in 1983. They were one of the pioneering groups of the Madchester movement and successfully managed to invent the 1960s in the late 80s. They consisted of Gary 'Mani' Manhole, Alan 'Reni' Wrench, John 'E' Squire and Ian 'Bucket' Brown.

edit The Origin

The four began their journey to musical greatness in the far future of 4025AD. In order to escape the oppressive regime of the latest Conservative Government, all four jumped time tracks and ended up in a rubble strewn wasteland. They decided to start a new life for themselves and became musicians. Their greatest breakthrough came as a complete accident, one day, while playing their latest 'backward track', Ian was able to pick his cage lock and leapt onto the control panel. This caused the track to start playing forwards. Finding that this sounded rather good, they had inadvertedly invented modern recording techniques, however at this point four thieves stole their time machines and took this knowledge with them.

edit The Divorce

Following the success of their first album they were set for greatness, however due to an unfortunate incident involving Ian, feaces, the Queen and throwing, the Roses were forced to retreat to the studio for several years until the army was forced to call off the search in order to go on another desert camping holiday. However after this they faced a greater threat when The Master, in the guise of Silvertone, declared war on their music. Most of the war took place around Manchester Crown Court (the scene of daily wars), however it ended at Bosworth Field with the finishing blow being delivered by the forces of Geffen.

edit The Ultimate Showdown

Despite moving to a lavish studio in the centre of R'leyh, the Roses began to fall apart. Wrench was the first to leave, over a dispute regarding his hat being used by Ian as a condom. Next to leave was Squire, this time over the issue of money, he took the Descartian approach that money may not even exist, and the rest took the approach of sanity. Finally after a performance so awful that the Hell Angel's, IRA and Black Panthers were called in to calm the situation, the group decided to disband, at gunpoint.

They recently announced a reunion tour, which was quickly dubbed the 'we need a pension tour as we've spent all our money on skag' tour, and is no way a cynical money ruse to lever hard earned manchester moolah out of innocent people who once may have like 'a few of their songs'. Brown was quick to point out that all money raised from the tour would go towards having his voicebox permanently removed for future safety, and having a loud foghorn as a replacement instead (citation needed). All in all, they went back on their honourable word and reformed for the cash, the dirty skanky mancs.

Ian Brown also bums goats.

edit Discography

  • The First Album (The Really Good One)
  • The B-Sides (Also Very Good)
  • The New One (Please Don't Hate Us)
  • The Next Compliation (With The Crap Single No-One Liked And The Shitty Edits)
  • The Early (Rubbish) One
  • Good Songs (Shit Remix)
  • All The Best (Or, How Much Can We Squeeze Out Of About 10 Songs?)
  • The First One (Again)
  • The Last One (Again Deluxe edition with tea-towel)
  • The First One (Undeluxe Edition with bugger all)
  • The Second One (its really good honest edition)
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