The Stig
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“...”
“Sleeping with The Stig is like making love to a robot; long, hard and no emotions being shown”The Stig (full name The Stig... really) is Top Gear's resident racing driver. He is also sometimes known by his other name god, white 'n nerdy and klansman. This has helped him avoid paying taxes for his entire natural life, as well as his other nine he gets for being part cat (hence his ridiculous reflexes and always landing on his feet). He has many odd talents and disabilities, a selection of which are read out by Jeremy Clarkson each week, to rapturous silence from the audience, which is clearly awe-struck because they know he will smite them if they do not listen.
Contents |
[edit] Why does he always wear that helmet all the time?
The stig hasn't always been like this. But his cat mother once threw hot oil over his head, after her leg was eaten by the stig. After that, his head looked like the stigma of a plant. That's why he from then on always wears a white helmet and is the stig. His little brother, who's head looks like a cock, always calls him his big stiggy. How sweet of him...
Since constantly wearing a helmet has an obvious impact on his hearing, it is fortunate that he has ears not exactly where you'd expect them to be. Normally, it wouldn't be so important, but they have been crucial in helping him evade capture by his cat mom. This ability is even more crucial, since if you tune a radio in the UK to 88.4MHz, you can actually hear his thoughts, a tactic his mom learned when the stig wasnt even born. She listened and heard: "Drive FASTER Mum" one morning driving to the store to buy catfood and kitty litter groceries.
[edit] History
The earliest sightings of the stig are in the early 1978 when King Arthur was traveling across britain to find knights to seek out the holy grail, back then he wore black. He was defeated on a bridge which he was defending because it was the first motorbridge and only he could cross it because it was guarded by grues. The car hadn't been invented yet, but this somehow didn't stop him.
[edit] Habitat
The word "Stig" is thought to be short for "Stig of the Dump", which could be a reference to his natural habitat: a public school. There are a great many of these in the UK, most of which have names; for exampleprison. The sheer number of these dumps in the UK (or "schools" as inhabitants like to affectionately term them) has contributed to thwarting Alan Sugar's multiple attempts to track down The Stig.
Richard Hammond did on one occasion offer to let The Stig stay at his home, but Hammond kept him awake all night by running in his wheel and biting his helmet and suit; a well known trait of Hamster's species.
[edit] Talents
Other talents have proved useful in his capacity as Top Gear's racing driver. Most notable is his sweat, which can be used to clean precious metals. This has allowed the budget of maintaining high performance cars to be slashed quite considerably. A lesser known talent is that his face always points to magnetic north. Due to the Stig's unnervingly accurate sense of direction, people often challenge him to "get lost".
Obviously, he was born with a very awesome brain that has the capability of 99999999990.01MHz and with a 4444442.8KB RAM converted to computer format (not fitted with a sound card). The uberbrain allows him to drive, skilfully. Well, the only thing he could do is drive so he is extremely stupid allowing him to be so courageous around the corners driving at 202.67 km/h on the ice, then Jeremy Clarkson said "That is not bravery, that is just stupidity that I have."
Also noteworthy are his fingernails, which have 337.9bhp...each. It is a massive power-to-weight ratio and helps him to victory at every Top Gear office party fingernail race super challenge, which occurs annually. The previous holder of this title disappeared in mysterious circumstances.
[edit] Family
The Stig has quite a large and strange family with members being spread all over the world. The know members are listed below.
- The first member of Stig's family to be discovered was his American cousin Big Stig. He is a very obese version of the Stig we all know and love.
- Second we have The Stig's African cousin. He lives in Botswana and wears only a racing helmet and a loin cloth, some say he has seen the lion king more times than is thought humanly possible.
- Next it the Stig's lorry driving cousin Rig Stig. He is a fairly large version of the Stig but not as fat as Big Stig and he specialises in driving lorries very quickly and is the only person known to be able to power slide them.
- The Stig's communist cousin was next to be discovered, he drives around the north of Vietnam and wears a red version of the white racing suit the other Stigs wear.
- Recently German Stig was seen with a mullet
- The most recent discovery was Janet Stig Porter, the Stig’s vegetarian cousin. He drives electric and hybrid cars and wears a green version of the iconic racing suit. Sadly this Stig died from carbon monoxide poisoning from the fumes of the hybrid car he was testing at the time.
[edit] Some say that...
- He's banned from the city of Basingstoke, because, well, who isn't?
- He is allergic to the Dutch.
- He never blinks.
- He sucks the moisture out of ducks.
- He has webbed buttocks.
- He eats brake pads for breakfast.
- He is wanted by the CIA.
- His crash helmet is modeled after Britney Spear's head.
- He only knows two facts about ducks. And both of them are wrong.
- He sleeps upside down like a bat.
- He appears on high value stamps in Sweden.
- His breath smells of magnesium.
- He has a stripy jumper a little bit like mine...No, James, nobody's going to belive that!
- He is scared of bells.
- He naturally faces magnetic north.
- If he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the cameramen.
- He was brought up in Africa by a herd of Cheetahs.
- He names all his potted plants Steve.
- His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
- He is actually a she.
- His heart ticks like a watch.
- His legs are remote-controlled.
- He is confused by stairs.
- His voice can only be heard by cats.
- He* pees 98RON petrol, and is considered more valuable than platinum.
- He has named every blade of grass around the Top Gear test track.
- He can drive a car backwards with his leg hair.
- He has a plasticine model of James May in his garden shed for inspiration.
- He was turned down to go on I'm a Celebrity, because people had heard of him.
- He's Mac compatible
- He does not have a driving license.
- He can smell corners,
- He has two sets of knees, neither of which are his
- His farts consist of pure nitrous oxide
- He can taste the mileage of anything, even James May
- He is actually from Bristol and speaks with a heavy West Country accent
- His voice is the sound of newborn babies crying.
- His left nipple is the same shape as the Nürburgring.
- In the winter his arms turn brown and drop off.
- He has a wife called Jeremy
- That underneath his helmet another helmet.
- That he's watched Blazing Saddles and never even smirked.
- He has never seen Moonraker on Boxing Day
- He has no understanding of clouds
- His drinks cabinet contains 13 different kinds of custard
- He drinks Daniel Plainview's milkshake.
- He thinks Star Wars is a documentary.
- A website where amateurs try to explain Stig Facts
- He is Richard Hammond's wife
- He has made out with cheese and described it as 'Pleasant'
- He is watching you read this
- He doesn'tt love, only likes
- His mini fridge is filled with custard
- He has a checked shirt like that of James May.
- He isn't machine washable.
- Some think that last one's a bit far fetched.
- All we know, is he's called The Stig!
- Some say I Am The Stig
[edit] Philosophy
The stig is famous for producing more quotes than Oscar Wilde. Here are only a few of them:
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“ *Cough* ”
