The Stig

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I wanted to be a fucking Power Ranger

“...”

~ The Stig on his identity

“Sleeping with The Stig is like making love to a robot; long, hard and no emotions being shown”

~ Oscar Wilde on sleeping with The Stig

The Stig is Top Gear's resident racing driver. He is also sometimes known by his other name god or Dot Cotton. This has helped him avoid paying taxes for his entire natural life, as well as his unnatural one. He has many odd talents and disabilities, a selection of which are read out by Jeremy Clarkson each week, to rapturous silence from the audience, which is clearly awe-struck because they know he will smite them if they do not listen.

[edit] Why does he always wear that helmet all the time?

Since The Stig has the ability to fire Alan Sugar should he so desire, he was forced to go into hiding and wear a helmet at all times to protect his identity. Fortunately, he is a talented racing driver, so was able to assume this disguise without arousing suspicion. Also some say that the Stig's first name is, "The", which meant he didn't even have to change his name via deed poll in order to assume his new identity, which was fortunate for him as Sugar has spies everywhere.

Since constantly wearing a helmet has an obvious impact on his hearing, it is fortunate that he has ears not exactly where you'd expect them to be. Normally, it wouldn't be so important, but they have been crucial in helping him evade capture by Alan Sugar. This ability is even more crucial, since if you tune a radio in the UK to 88.4MHz, you can actually hear his thoughts, a tactic Sugar discovered early on.

[edit] Habitat

The word "Stig" is thought to be short for "Stig of the Dump", which could be a reference to his natural habitat: a rubbish dump. There are a great many of these in the UK, most of which have names; for example Manchester, London and Clacton on Sea. The sheer number of these dumps in the UK (or "cities" as inhabitants like to affectionately term them) has contributed to thwarting Alan Sugar's multiple attempts to track down The Stig.

Richard Hammond did on one occasion offer to let The Stig stay at his home, but Hammond kept him awake all night by running in his wheel and biting his helmet and suit; a well known trait of Hamster's species.

[edit] Talents

Other talents have proved useful in his capacity as Top Gear's racing driver. Most notable is his sweat, which can be used to clean precious metals. This has allowed the budget of maintaining high performance cars to be slashed quite considerably. A lesser known talent is that his face always points to magnetic north. Due to the Stig's unnervingly accurate sense of direction, people often challenge him to "get lost".

Obviously, he was born with a very small brain that has the capability of 0.1MHz and with a 42KB RAM converted to computer format (not fitted with a sound card). The small brain only allows him to drive, skilfully. Well, the only thing he could do is drive so he is extremely stupid allowing him to be so courageous around the corners driving at 200 km/h on the ice, then Jeremy Clarkson said "That is not bravery, that is just stupidity that I have."

Also noteworthy are his fingernails, which have 330bhp; it is not clear, however, if this figure is the total bhp of all his fingernails, or whether each one has 330bhp. Either way, however, it is still a massive power-to-weight ratio and helps him to victory at every Top Gear office party fingernail race super challenge, which occurs annually. The previous holder of this title disappeared in mysterious circumstances.

[edit] Some say that...

The Stig won the Indy 500, the Daytona 500, the Bathurst 1000, the 24 hours of Le Mans, the Dakar rally, the Moto GP World Championship and the F1 Championship in this car.

he's banned from the city of Chichester.
He is allergic to the Dutch.
He never blinks.
He eats brake pads for breakfast.
He is wanted by the CIA.
He only knows two facts about ducks. And both of them are wrong.
He sleeps upside down like a bat.
He appears on high value stamps in Sweden.
He can catch fish with his tongue.
His breath smells of magnesium.
He is scared of bells.
He naturally faces magnetic north.
If he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the cameramen.
He has hydraulic legs.
He was brought up in Africa by a herd of Cheetahs.
He deliberately sabotaged Richard Hammond's dragster-stunt
He names all his potted plants Steve.
His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
He is actually a she.
His heart ticks like a watch.
He is confused by stairs.
His voice can only be heard by cats.