The Stig
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“Sleeping with The Stig is like making love to a robot; long, hard and no emotions being shown”The Stig is Top Gear's resident racing driver. He is also sometimes known by his other name god, faggot, white 'n nerdy and white ass licker. This has helped him avoid paying taxes for his entire natural life, as well as his unnatural one in second life. on which he is a blue monkey. He has many odd talents and disabilities, a selection of which are read out by Jeremy Clarkson each week, to rapturous silence from the audience, which is clearly awe-struck because they know he will smite them if they do not listen.
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[edit] Why does he always wear that helmet all the time?
The stig hasn't always been like this. But his mother once threw hot oil over his head, after her leg was eaten by the stig. After that, his head looked like the stigma of a plant. That's why he from then on always weared a white helmet and is called the stig. His little brother, who'se head looks like a cock, always calls him his big stima. How sweet of him...
Since constantly wearing a helmet has an obvious impact on his hearing, it is fortunate that he has ears not exactly where you'd expect them to be. Normally, it wouldn't be so important, but they have been crucial in helping him evade capture by his mom. This ability is even more crucial, since if you tune a radio in the UK to 88.4MHz, you can actually hear his thoughts, a tactic his mom learned when the stig wasnt even born. She listened and heard: AAAHHHHH LET ME OUT IT HUUURTS
[edit] Habitat
The word "Stig" is thought to be short for "Stig of the Dump", which could be a reference to his natural habitat: a rubbish dump. There are a great many of these in the UK, most of which have names; for example Manchester, London and Clacton on Sea. The sheer number of these dumps in the UK (or "cities" as inhabitants like to affectionately term them) has contributed to thwarting Alan Sugar's multiple attempts to track down The Stig.
Richard Hammond did on one occasion offer to let The Stig stay at his home, but Hammond kept him awake all night by running in his wheel and biting his helmet and suit; a well known trait of Hamster's species.
[edit] Talents
Other talents have proved useful in his capacity as Top Gear's racing driver. Most notable is his sweat, which can be used to clean precious metals. This has allowed the budget of maintaining high performance cars to be slashed quite considerably. A lesser known talent is that his face always points to magnetic north. Due to the Stig's unnervingly accurate sense of direction, people often challenge him to "get lost".
Obviously, he was born with a very small brain that has the capability of 0.1MHz and with a 42KB RAM converted to computer format (not fitted with a sound card). The small brain only allows him to drive, skilfully. Well, the only thing he could do is drive so he is extremely stupid allowing him to be so courageous around the corners driving at 200 km/h on the ice, then Jeremy Clarkson said "That is not bravery, that is just stupidity that I have."
Also noteworthy are his fingernails, which have 330bhp; it is not clear, however, if this figure is the total bhp of all his fingernails, or whether each one has 330bhp. Either way, however, it is still a massive power-to-weight ratio and helps him to victory at every Top Gear office party fingernail race super challenge, which occurs annually. The previous holder of this title disappeared in mysterious circumstances.
[edit] Some say that...
- He's banned from the city of Basingstoke, because, well, who isn't?
- He's a fucking power ranger.
- He is allergic to the Dutch.
- He never blinks.
- He sucks the moisture out of ducks.
- He has webbed ears.
- He eats brake pads for breakfast.
- He is wanted by the CIA.
- His crash helmet is modeled after Britney Spear's head.
- He only knows two facts about ducks. And both of them are wrong.
- He sleeps upside down like a bat.
- He appears on high value stamps in Sweden.
- He can catch fish with his tongue.
- His breath smells of magnesium.
- He is scared of bells.
- He naturally faces magnetic north.
- If he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the cameramen.
- He has hydraulic legs.
- He was brought up in Africa by a herd of Cheetahs.
- He deliberately sabotaged Richard Hammond's dragster-stunt
- He names all his potted plants Steve.
- His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
- He is actually a she.
- His heart ticks like a watch.
- He is confused by stairs.
- His voice can only be heard by cats.
- He* pees 98RON petrol, and is considered more valuable than platinum.
- He has named every blade of grass around the Top Gear test track.
- He can see oxygen.
- He can drive a car backwards with his leg hair.
- He has a plasticine model of James May in his garden shed for inspiration.
- He was turned down to go on I'm a Celebrity, because people had heard of him.
- He does not have a driving license.
- He is Matthew Bellamy of Muse
- He can smell corners, hear oil pressure, and see slipstreams
- He has two sets of knees, neither of which are his
- His farts consist of pure nitrous oxide
- He can taste the mileage of anything, even James May
- He is actually from Bristol and speaks with a heavy West Country accent
- His voice is the sound of newborn babies crying.
- His right nipple is the same shape as the Nürburgring
- He is Tony Jaa's only non-lethal offspring.
- He is resistant to Ninjas.
- He is the real director of "There's Something About Mary".
- If he sent you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right,
- In the winter his arms turn brown and drop off.
- He eats through his nose.
- He bought Modern Warfare 2, and smothered it in toothpaste
- He has a wife called Jeremy
- He has a fetish for chips
- He hates Sonic and thinks Ike is cheap
- He watches Norbit when he's not driving
- His penis is in shape of rude hullet sitting on a shed
- His right nipple is in the shape of Texas.
- He is the only who can stand against the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
- That underneath his helmet is a larger helmet.
- That if he was to speak George Bush's Brain would explode (ok that one cant happen...George bush lacks a brain).
- That he's watched Blazing Saddles and never even smirked.
- That only he can overpower Chuck Norris.
- That the crimes he has done is Rape Murder Arson and Rape, mainly because he enjoys rape...
- That the other single crime he commited is cattle stampeding through the vatican.
- His best friend is a pie called Professor Lebstrum
- He has never seen Moonraker on Boxing Day
- He has no understanding of clouds
- His drinks cabinet contains 13 different kinds of custard
- He is made of 13 different kinds of custard
- He was rejected for Celebrity Big Brother because people have heard of him
