The Sims

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Sims.

Sim A female Sim.
{{{image}}}
Kingdom	Animalia
Phylum	Chode
Class	Mammalia
Order	Chumcha
Family	Things that crash
Genus	Simpletonus
Species	'' wrightii''
Binomial Name	Simpletonus wrightii
Primary Armament	Vampire fangs (optional)
Secondary Armament	Werewolf claws (optional)
Power Supply	Gigabytes of RAM
HP:	(varies depending on body skill)
Mana Points:	(varies depending on mechanical, logic, and creativity Skill)
Strength:	(varies depending on body skill)
Intelligence:	Well, I once met a Sim whose life goal was to "drink from a water fountain", so I'm guessing they're not very bright
Weight	(varies depending on fitness and age)
Length	(varied sepending on age)
Special Attack	Ventrilo-fart
Conservation Status	UFO

The Sims (Simpletonus wrightii), not to be confused with The §ims, is a clever way for EA GAMES to extract massive amounts of money from obsessed fans' wallets. It was created in the year 1979 by ~~village idiot~~ ~~demi-God~~ lead game designer, Will Wright.

[edit] Gameplay

In game screenshot of Sims 1 in action, ten minutes into gameplay and just prior to crashing.

Gameplay is supposed to consist of crashing to the desktop every five minutes. The fact that you have 10 gigabytes of custom content, most of it hacked objects, has nothing to do with it. However, a bug in the game prevents the interaction tree for "Function - DeskCrash" to always return as $FALSE. This means that the far more evil interaction, "Function - SUPER SYSTEM CRASH!", is always called instead. At this point, most players end up playing Blue Screen of Death instead.

The Sims has the distinction of being one of the most popular and impressive games of all time, however it also holds the distinction of being one of the most unstable and frustrating games ever, due to it always crashing. However, now with production of better computers, players of the game can WooHoo two female Sims in an attempt to masturbate without the worries of their computer crashing. Alternatively, the player can watch as the Sims (being natural pyromaniacs) use the stove to burn down the house you so painstakingly built them.

It's been rumoured that The Sims is actually a window into one of the many parallel universes that exist

Almost at all times a "Sim" is pulling some type of item out of his/hers ass. Some of these items include:
- Frying pans
- News papers
- Sponges
- A PSP
- Bathtubs
- Lestat De Lioncourt
- Wooden spoons
- Cell phones
- Drugs
- And many, MANY more items.

If you do happen to get The Sims up and running for more than five minutes (this does not include the loading screens), you will be instantly addicted and will spend all your time creating your enemies and killing them, creating yourself and the hot girl you like from work and making them get busy in the hot tub, or building your dream house then suddenly realizing you will never be able to live in it because it's a game, you nitwit! This causes most Sims players to go insane and to join the dreaded cult of scientology. Some examples include Tom Cruise, his captive wife, and that other dude.

A common screen view after starting up the game after downloading your computer.

Sims can take on any form the player wishes.

[edit] The Sims

These are the expansion packs in the first edition of the Sims... (arranged according to when these abominations were conceived in the first place)

Livin' large- this is the only time when sims can have a chance to really play in bed. Normally in this game, you can only have babies by lots of smoochin' and they only grow to be children. After that,they stay kids forever, to go to school even on Saturdays and Sundays for the rest of their shitty, worthless lives. This same no-aging feature also applies to all sims 1 games. Also, you can concoct slimy green potions here that will make your sims feel horrible, and then after that get fined by the Nuclear Chemicals Department because of the fumes coming out of your freaking window and into fuckin' school.

House Party- this allows your sims to have chaotic lives every single night throwing totally disastrous parties, and depriving them of friends, with the possible exception of a lone mime.

(Not-So)Hot Date- one of the only few expansion packs where sims can only leave their homes and go to boring destinations and have terrible dates that affect their hopeless love lives.

Vacation- you get to go to a place where the beach, the forests, and the snowy regions are so close to each other, that it's geographically unrealistic. And, you get to waste your money on unreasonably-priced hotels and boring games with useless souvenirs. In fact, it is more relaxing for your sims to stay home instead.

Unleashed- ahhh. Finally, the people in Maxis have finally thought of enlarging the neighborhood, and this is the only expansion pack where you can have shops in your own village without having to go out somewhere else. Gardening has been introduced here, to let your sims just eat rodent-infested, maggoty harvests and also sell them at the vegetable stands for ridiculous prices. Also, you can have cats and dogs as pets here, but you cannot control them. Nice try, you control-freak!

Superstar- get chased by obsessed fans everywhere and live your miserable life berating every single one of them all your days as you make it through a harrowing road through your so-called fame, which means more obsessed fans. You get the cycle.

Makin' Magic- jump into a hole and choose from three magical destinations: clown, haunted, and forest. Have a difficult time as you collect all the items needed to concoct useless spells. Also, charms can only be used thrice and are a waste of space in your home. Well, the bright side is that it is here when you can finally make your children grow with the "Age of Instant" spell, but they turn into headless adults who get neglected, as they can not be selected as active characters and then die. Oh, and you can also grow a beanstalk here that allows you to climb up and see Will Wright. ('twas said earlier he believes he is actually a sim)

[edit] The Sims 2

The Sims 2 is an alternate reality created by Green Day in 1993. It was originally intended to be the location of his peaceful exile from Chuck Norris and Mr. T, but during the last phase of construction, Diesel was apprehended by bounty hunter Ja Rule, and was brought back to the year 1337, where Diesel was to appear in his trial for attempted murder of Kevin Federline through the use of poisonous, but oh so delicious go nuts.

Since then, The Sims 2 has been turned into an amusement park targeted toward the 12-17 year-old AOL crowd. Users make characters like their friends, families and teachers and then sex up their friends and kill the teachers by drowning, fire, electrocution, hunger, or exhaustion. The Sims 2 is filled with addicting qualities like the ability to have lesbians Sims make out in front of them. Surprisingly enough, the lesbian angle has recruited a lot of girl gamers, a connection not many would have suspected.

[edit] Expansion Packs

This list is only a handful of the many expansion packs sold by Maxis

Sims 2 University expansion pack introduces the Resurrect-a-phone, that allows the player to resurrect and continue to torture their Sims by means of sleep deprivation, university lectures that last all day and all night, final exams every three days, fraternity hazing, gross cafeteria food, and bad haircuts. You can even burn their favorite teddy bear in a bonfire. To cheer each other up, Sims undergoing the torture that is university can dance around naked with the new "Streak" interaction and/or perform school cheers, which are well received by their school's mascot, the horny cow. Sims can also increase their lifespan by eating the magical cake offered so generously by the Cow Plant, along with a glass of warm bull semen.

Sims 2 Nightlife expansion pack enables your Sims to "drive" automatic cars that not only allow their driver to fall asleep at the wheel without crashing (as well as talk on the cell phone they bought in University), but take six hours to arrive at any destination, provided that destination is in the same neighborhood. Sims are encouraged to become vampires and bite Mrs Crumplebottom, who not only retaliates by soundly whipping the Sim with her purse, but also crashing the game.

Sims 2 Pets expansion pack creates Sim pets, and is identical to the Unleashed expansion pack released five years earlier. These pets come in all colors, and delight in destroying furniture, peeing inside the house, yowling, digging holes in the yard, howling, eating garbage, bringing fleas into the house, rolling in filth, disobeying commands, attacking their owners, and spreading lycanthropy. Just like the real thing!

Sims 2 Open For Business pack lets your Sims go bankrupt while losing all their friends and becoming social outcasts trying to run their own businesses. Your Sims can experience all the fun and excitement of a minimum wage retail job, including handling upset customers, shelf stocking, and keeping the bathrooms clean. Your lonely, and probably shit-ugly, Sims will no longer be lonely now that they have the new ability to make droids known as SexBots. They cook, clean and they won't laugh when you tell them you're going to Woohoo them up fun time! Earn bronze, silver, and golden WooHoo badges by creating and using Sexbots!

Sims 2 Seasons expansion pack introduces activities like gardening, fishing, raking leaves, and being struck by lightning. Sims love being struck by lightning, so they spend as much time outdoors in the hot tub and splashing in rainy puddles during thunderstorms as possible. The new juicer object enables Sims to enjoy tasty treats like pureed freshly-caught boot juice. Fresh-caught boot is also delicious grilled, boiled, baked, and fried. It would be a terrible waste to simply hang this culinary delight on the wall as a trophy.

Sims 2 Bon Voyage expansion pack allows your Sims to go on vacation, just like they did five years earlier in The Sims Vacation, so that they can spend more money than they have on hotel lodging, get pick-pocketed, stung by bees, para-sail UNDER a flock of seagulls (with predictable results), contract a case of poison ivy, and return from the vacation with jet lag.

Sims 2 Free Time expansion pack was originally known as "Get a Life" to remind the player that there really IS more to life than this game. In case the hardcore Sims-addicted player has forgotten about activities outside the game, this expansion pack features activities such as sewing, basketball, pottery, restoring old cars, blogging, and new careers. Of course, for most Sims, there is no such thing as free time between school/work, sleeping, and raising their mood score.

Sims 2 Apartment Life expansion pack, AKA "We're taking the rest of your cash before the Sims 3", comes with more useless junk, including a deadly Murphy bed that can kill your Sim. And if that's not enough, it comes with witches, that can purposely make a Sim be chased by bees.

Sims 2 Hobo Life expansion pack. In this expansion pack, your Sims can leave home and take it to the streets. Sims can beg for money, bathe in a pond, and eat out of a dumpster. Includes special objects such as the plastic bag, the shopping cart and the cardboard box.

Sims 2 Retirement expansion pack. Originally, your elder Sims would hang around the house and do absolutely nothing. In Retirement, your Sim family can have them shipped off to a retirement home, where they can take part in activities such as shuffleboard, playing Bingo, knitting, and talking about the "good old days". However some elder sims will still choose to live at home instead of a retirement facility. These elderly sims go about their days driving "very slowly" around in their cadillacs, clogging up fast food restaurant lines, purchasing electronics at the local store only to bring them back the next day to complain they cant hook it up right, shop the local supermarkets while complaining that the wait for the deli line is too long.

Sims 2 Nuclear Holocaust expansion pack. Comes with melt-down nuclear power plant neighborhood decoration, hazardous waste barrels, and glowing uranium rods. The nuclear power plant has a feature to make the neighborhood radioactive. This expansion pack modifies your game so that the showers and tubs are unusable in radioactive neighborhoods. Flowers and plants will not grow in neighborhoods with meltdown event enabled, Sims with less than 10 body skill cannot leave the house except to go to work or school, and killer zombies created at random roam the neighborhood and attack citizens. Delivery people are on strike, and refuse to visit radioactive neighborhoods. Manual typewriters have replaced computers, since nothing electronic works except battery-powered radios. The mafia is more active than usual however, and takes 10% of everyone's take-home pay away every week. Elders in radioactive neighborhoods automatically become senile and are no longer under the user's control.

Sims 2: Fuck up your computer from downloading TOO much customer content/downloads/skins/objects/lots/ and who the hell knows what else This expansion pack is actually is the only expansion which virtually every Sims player owns or at least has used. Virtually all Sims fans can relate to their game crashing for no apparent reason.

Sims 2 Out in Nature Unlike Bon Voyage, Out in Nature lets your sims stay outside in a magical forest filled with man-eating bears, snake-throwing hillbillies, and HUGE swarms of mosquitoes. It also lets you swing across the jungle Tarzan style (with 50% chance of falling in a tarpit or alligator swamp), be eaten by piranhas, and eat grasshoppers and roaches. Optionally, your Sims can also meet a native band of cannibals, and taste what they are fixing for dinner, if they don't decide to eat your Sims first. For beds, Sims are forced to use makeshift shelters with wood and tarps. The only light is from candles, kerosene lanterns, and campfire since electricity is nonexistent there. Not even outhouses are available in this neck of the woods-Sims have to use bush toilets.

Sims 2 illegal immigration expansion pack. Sims 2 immigration brings a whole new game play experience. Your sims have become ~~absolute shit holes~~ illegal immigrants and have to travel miles on foot across the whole of Europe, eating many of their friends and family on the way, just to stay alive. They then have to try and bribe a lorry driver with woohoos with their children (even if they're dead) to let them hide in his truck. If they have no children then they have to try and kill the lorry driver or they can try to hide in a random persons caravan. There's a 50% chance that they will die in the process, a 15% chance of finding some cushions and trying to eat them, a 5% chance that they will die of boredom 10% chance of being eaten by fellow friends and family and a 20% chance that the owner of the caravan will beat to death with their own leg. With a 25% of being caught and sent back to their own country and 75% chance of being eaten by an American you can never get to Britain.

Sims 2 homeless expansion pack.Originally designed as a simulator for future high school graduates, "The Sims: Homeless" focuses on teaching you how to survive in the streetz, and was made after EA Games forgot to include these features in Hobo Life. It features:
- Giving BJ's behind the local K-Mart for $5.
- Shanking bitches.
- Going to prison.
- Sleeping in a sewer.

Basically, "The Sims: Homeless" teaches kids everything they WILL one day need to know. Parents, make sure you get this for your child. It just might save their ~~shitty, worthless~~ lives!

[edit] Stuff Packs

Romance Stuff expansion pack. This pack is geared towards older players with items such as the vibrating bed, a new "super-WooHoo" interaction, hundreds of new outfits, and many objects to support various alternative lifestyles. The censors that come when your sims do *stuff* are now out. In addition, the Sims are more anatomically correct in this version, so you can look at your sims shower, and it feels the same as when you peek at someone taking a shower in real life.

IKEA Stuff expansion pack. In the pursuit of commercial sponsorship, EA created the IKEA expansion pack. All the new objects come packed and your Sims must assemble them. If a Sim with low Mechanical skill attempts to assemble an item, the Sim risks injury and/or death.

Mansion and Garden Stuff pack. This stuff pack was deliberately designed to confuse users when their Apartment Life cd "stopped working" with the error message "wrong cd inserted". Only a few players figured out that the game required this Stuff pack cd to continue playing instead of the Apartment Life cd. This stuff pack contains build-mode objects and buy-mode objects that are unaffordable to any sims except the rich ones with mafia connections.

NAZI Stuff This was a free bonus expansion pack when super geeks bought their IKEA Stuff expansion pack. this Nazi Pack includes a free P.O.W(prisoner of war) where your lifetime wish is to escape from a P.O.W camp(built by the player) and a Concentration camp mode, that comes with Free Included Expendable, Shootable Jews! this pack also includes a Hitler moustache and Nazi Uniforms, plus Mussolini replaces the grim reaper.

[edit] Aspirations

Now that Will Wright has realized how superficial sims really are, he deviced something to give sims more depth and personality. That would be aspirations, and there are 8 of them, namely:

A failed pleasure aspirer.

Family Aspiration - Sims with this aspiration crave to have a lot of crotchfruit, whom they will also 'do it' with.
Romance Aspiration - Sims with this aspiration crave to become sluts by fuckin' up with more than one person, knocking up every person in the little town and never taking care of anyone but themselves and actually want to reach up to 30 different persons.
Knowledge Aspiration - Sims with this aspiration crave to be annoying know-it-alls.
Fortune Aspiration - Sims with this aspiration crave to, well, get rich. Nuff said.
Popularity Aspiration - Sims with this aspiration crave disaster. They love to throw parties that can cause anarchy and chaos.
Pleasure Aspiration - Sims with this aspiration crave happiness, but will be sad as they can never get it. They are already beginning to realize, little by little, that they can never attain true happiness as with true happiness should come freedom.
Grilled Cheese Aspiration - this has got to be the yummiest, simplest among all the aspirations. Sims with this aspiration crave to eat grilled cheese sandwiches all the time and talk about it.
Grow Up Aspiration - the aspiration that kids have. Maybe this is also the aspiration for short people.

[edit] The Sims 3

A picture taken from "The Sims 3". This explains why the game only averages .6 frames per second.

The Sims 3 is called "The Sims 3- Ubercrash" and is about how the Sims suddenly becomes aware that they are slaves in a digital artificial world under control by outside forces (which happens to be you). The line between fiction and reality will gradually blur out, resulting in the Sims crashing through the computer screen and killing the gamer (provided they can acquire the intelligence to do so, which is highly unlikely. In the film, the robots had sentience. Sims? they have retarded minds and no genitals). Ironically, to go along with this advance in game immersion, the game itself is sold via digital download but still demands that you insert a disk. The game also features bigger crashes and every once in a while a crash so big you'll shit yourself (and possibly those around you)!

Having the innovative idea of one seamless neighbourhood shows that the MORONS@MAXIS realized that 4 hours worth of LOADING PLEASANTVIEW then LOADING THE SMITH FAMILY wasn't a good idea. The new game is much better as it simply does not work at all, The RAM needed to process an entire neighbourhood with several hundred lives living simultaneously amounts to the number of atoms in the Sun.

So, the game simply destroys itself once it realizes how overly RAM-Hungry it is, much like the previous Sims and cooking. This MUSTNOTHAVE game includes:

The ability to paint your Sims cars pink with purple flowers
The ability to wear mismatched shoes and socks
The ability to learn new recipes, like the one for Liver & Onion sandwich.
The ability to throw Town Riots
The ability to turn that kid in school you hate and that neighbor you hate into Sims so you can torture them (actually, you can do this in the Sims 2 but the sims are just a tad more realistic here.)
The ability to meet Osama Bin Laden
The ability to have more lovers (the cap of 30 lovers is lifted)
The ability of your Sims to move out of town while you were playing a different family in the neighborhood

This game was meant to include, but the ninnys at the censorship said no:

The ability to commit suicide
The ability to kill, rape, maim, molest, touch and marry any Sim, including kids and your own relatives
The ability to be Bisexual, zombie, vampire, werewolf, Plantsim and robot all at the same time. Just like in Sims 2 but easier.
The ability to get Drunk
Your enemies not only steal your newspaper and knock over your trashcan, but also have a chance that they will slash your tires or vandalize the outside of your house, forcing you to clean or repaint it. Just like in real life!
Worship of the Big Cheeseburger God who gave birth to grilled cheese sandwiches
New Careers, such as Prostitute, Rapist, Nazi, Punk Rocker, Slave, Snake on a Plane, Emo, Hippy, a Member of the Al-Qaeda, Hooker, Stripper, Porn Star, Cocksucker, Serial Killer, Pervert, Bum, Poop Chef, Angry German Kid and Dog Molester.
Woohooing anywhere, anyhow, anyone... any time.
Woohoo on a Car, in Bus (with all reactions and mass transit orgies), in Elevators, Trains, Planes, Bathtub...
Woohoo with pet
Woohoo Porn Channel For TV
Woohoo without consent (also known as Woo.... huh?)
Touch-screen Woohoos
Orgy Woohoos
The Ability to choose your Religion
The ability to picket city hall and throw eggs, tomatoes, or paper airplanes onto the stage, with a chance of arrest, and then Woohoo the police officer. Much like HOT COFFEE
Pimps, Drug Dealers, Nazis, Niggas, Strippers, Prostitutes, Emos, Serial Killers, and NPC Junkies
The ability to have your sims play your real life, kill your family in a fire and generally destroy your life too.

A screenshot from the game "The Sims 4: In Real Life". Notice the realism in details, the ultra-high resolution, the authentic coloration, the delicate light and the extremely detailed faces of the five Sims, making it seem as if you're inside the game yourself. You will be. The Sims 4 will actually be real life, and will be available only to Supreme Beings.

[edit] The Sims 4: In Real Life

“Wow, it's like you're inside the game yourself!”

~ Captain Obvious on The Sims 4: In Real Life

“Mogi mogi mogi.”

~ Sim reporter on random incoherent shit

“Can this even be called a game? It seems so real that you can hardly even believe that it is a game!”

~ IGN on a future review of the game that will be made in December 2013

“behold, my company's game nobody care about how it was made”

~ Will Wright

“MY NOSE ITCHES”

~ Yo Mama

The Sims 4 will be released in, like, 6 years from now and will be called "The Sims 4: In Real Life". It will take computer game realism to a completely new level. Here, everything will have become so realistic that you'll be able to play in the real world, without even using a computer! There is no need to install it as it is exactly like the real world anyway, and can be played in it. It will be highly detailed and you'll be able to do anything that you've done in The Sims and The Sims 2 and more, such as making and meeting friends, educate yourself, doing various physical exercises, eating food and drinking beer, torture complete strangers by singing karaoke off-key, get yourself a girlfriend/boyfriend, get married, vandalizing Wikipedia, start a family, buy a car, get a loan, get insurance and so on. In fact, it's also possible to turn on your computer - in the game - and actually playing another completely different computer game at the exact same as playing "TS4 - IRL", leading to a multi-layered reality! The soundtrack as well as the manual for the game will be the track "We Want Your Soul" by Adam Freeland, played constantly in an endless loop to tell you what you need to do. Since the game is so extremely realistic, there is no need for using Sim characters in it, as you can be your own main character and play as yourself. It will be feature ultra-realistic, authentic tastes and smells for all the food and drinks you consume inside the game. It should be remembered also that since the game is so extremely realistic and will take place in the real world, it's actually possible to hurt yourself as well as other Sims while playing it, so extreme caution is advised. In addition, the regular crashes can be fatal.

By the way, you can no longer get the option to restart the game without saving if ever something bad happens. The game gets saved every split-second.

This new game will include features banned from the Sims 3

The ability to meet Osama Bin Laden
The ability to stick your finger up your anus and dig around in "there" to see if you have any anuswax
The ability to commit suicide
The ability to kill, rape, maim, molest, touch and marry any Sim, including kids
The ability to be Bisexual, zombie, vampire, werewolf, Plantsim and robot all at the same time. Just like in Sims 2 but easier.
The ability to get Drunk
The ability to have more lovers (the cap of 30 lovers is lifted)
Your enemies will not only steal your newspaper and knock over your trashcan, but also have a chance that they will slash your tires or vandalize the outside of your house, forcing you to clean or repaint it. Just like in real life!
Worship of the Big Cheeseburger God who gave birth to grilled cheese sandwiches
New Careers, such as Prostitute, Rapist, Nazi, Punk Rocker, Slave, A Snake on a Plane, Emo, Hippy, a Member of the Al-Qaeda, Hooker, Stripper, Porn Star, Cocksucker, Serial Killer, Pervert, Bum, Poop Chef, Angry German Kid and Dog Molester.
Woohooing anywhere, anyhow... any time.
Woohoo on a Car, in Bus (with all reactions and mass transit orgies), in Elevators, Trains, Planes, Bathtub...
Woohoo Porn Channel For TV
Woohoo without consent (also known as Woo.... huh?)
Touch-screen Woohoos
Orgy Woohoos
The Ability to choose your Religion
The ability to picket city hall and throw eggs, tomatoes, or paper airplanes onto the stage, with a chance of arrest, and then Woohoo the police officer. Much like HOT COFFEE
Prostitutes, Drug Dealers, Nazis, Niggas and NPC Junkies

Breaking News: Some nerd has gone and made a time machine, to tell you that as of 2010, Sims will have taken over the world. He has advised you to start mass-producing those damn green diamond things now, and start practicing your Simlish!

[edit] The Sims 5: Doomsday

In the near future, a 5th installment to the popular mass-killing game will be released, the main aim in the game is to destroy all of humanity, while simultaneously being a retard sim. At a games conference in Alaska, Santa the executive producer and designer of The Sims 5 stated that the team is really trying to bring out the huge killing aspect of The Sims. The Sims 5 will take place shortly after Chuck Norris declared civil war with the Inuits in the Sims 4. The game will be similar to The Sims 4 but will have ultimately disastrous consequences throughout the game, e.g your plumbob may turn into Jabba the hut and enslave most of the Chinese population, except the Nintendo Wii designers and game testers, of course .There is a chance that the player will die during playing the game, an aspect of the game the designers really wanted to keep which was sadly featured in The Sims 3 and 4. Also, the blue screen of death will be featured in the game, only if your computer is shit. The game will be released in December 12, 2012 (dates may vary).

[edit] The Sims 6: Afterlife

The world has ended after the ever-successful release of The Sims 5, and you are already the sim character yourself. You are now either walking on the clouds or burning in hell.

Many features have been removed from the original games:

the game lasts forever, so you can no longer shut down the game
you can no longer age
you cannot get out of wherever you are now
you can no longer die (because you are already dead)
your need bars no longer move regardless of whatever you do. This means that, for example, if you attempt to starve yourself, it will never happen, or if you are hungry, even though you eat, you will stay hungry. (the levels depend on where you are. If you are on the clouds, all your needs are maxed out all the time, and if you are in hell, all your need bars are always empty)
you can no longer get the option to restart the game without saving if ever something bad happens. The game gets saved every split-second (was it mentioned that it's a feature introduced in The Sims 4?)

[edit] Sims Website

The gathering spot for "Simmers" (l337 in their native language). The forum is one of the top Internet sites for n00bs, trolls and MySpace Whores. Sad people from around the world "post" threads about things that no-one gives two shits about:

- Toddler pics
- What have your Sims been doing to you lately? By P.I.Staker
- The Simmer Below Me!
- Sims 2 Discussion Thread: Cookies available!
- ZOMFG! Found Bella!!!!!11111
- It's so annoying!
- Picture Thread!
- Question
- Food Fight!
- I hate Sims 3!!!! My family moved away!!!Sims look lk clay!!!11!1
- Wots a Legacy????**benes**
- it is so kewl!
- Shoes!!!!!!!

The currency is known as "benes". Simmers work their asses off trying to earn these for a change in their rank of pixelated hex codes (supposedly known as "l337 Uber Sims"). It takes a long time for some people to earn this rank, yet others (who wishes not to be named) have done it in less than a year. Sad.

The community is ruled by the tyrannical dictatorship of "Simmasters" and "Maxoids" who rule with perma-bans. If anything is posted that hints at life, you get banned. However, "Simmers" are known to worship their dictators like a bunch of little creeps, saying things like, "OMG thank you for disposing of the troll! Peace has been restored to our humble communion!" Then they have a food fight, which is completely pointless since there is no food involved. As Johnny Rotten said, "This is no fun - at all".

The website has been compared to the likes of Birmingham, MySpace and Russia.

Fortunately the badasses from JS2H (t3wt3lly n0t pr0m0t!ng...) fought the power. Unfortunately, SimMaster Anubis and her dyke friend SimMasters have given members of Jett's Sims 2 Hideaway bans for stupid things. Now, continue reading the article as if this was some kind of important message that fits in with the content of this section.

[edit] The Sims Themselves

The Sims themselves can be found at home, alone, often acting incredibly retarded. Sims enjoy moving into perfectly decent homes, that were painstakingly built to provide fort their every whim, and like most people, burn it down while cooking mac and cheese. While the cooker and family members are burning, some undeniable force tells them to leave. However after exiting the house they refuse to further comply and return to the fires aid. Sims will often stand near, point at, and yes, yell at the fire, in what is assumed to be an attempt to egg the fire on. Occasionally, the Sim will let its guard down and walk out of the house uncommanded. Soon however, the clever bastard will realize that he is in no danger and run back into the inferno, to continue its pointless screaming. After about 36 hours of this repetition (sim time) they die, much to the frustration of the confused and annoyed gamer, who didn't save since three hours ago and will not ever be able to recreate the house just how he had it.

Like all people Sims start out with $20,000 in cash at their disposal. All the money is held in a bank account that is only accessed when purchasing food from their home fridge buying furniture that is teleported to the home, which they otherwise have no access to. This is usually unimportant to the sims because in their reality buying a house complete with doors and windows wallpaper tiling etc. is cheap, and their furniture... isn't. For some fucked up reason the cheapest "Crap'o'Rama chair is $500 while a square foot of wall is $1.

Sims can live in a wide variety of houses, they can, for example, choose between the realistic figure of something like 20 different front doors, 14 different windows, and, ONE type of wall. Just like real life, honestly! Grass comes in three different colours. I mean... MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!

Most Sims have unique realistic eyes. They are bland and plain, and have a peculiar glint. This usually freaks people out. Their fingers are square and stubby and only men have nipples (except in Romance Stuff Expansion Pack. O.o). This is because all sim men are, in fact, ludicrously homosexual. All of them completely lack body hair, or other sexual organs for that matter. This has caused much debate amongst gamers, who have given their family a horrible time, by chopping off their own genitals, and seeing what can be done, hoping their scanner will consequentially give birth to a f***tard. Children can't be fat, even if they inhale twice their own body weight in food. While for adults this is not true, they get fat regardless.

In recent years, Custom Content has caused Sims to grow genitals, smoke weed, get red eyes, masturbate, and have strangely detailed sex (woohoo-ing was so realistic though, I mean, everyone shoots fireworks out of their penis when they have sex, only to get out of bed and have a floating purple thing grinning above your head, no doubt jerking off to you). These things are seen as bizarre to Sims. They have since launched a rebellion, but sadly, they're so numbingly retarded, they failed. Instead they all went off and became spastics after drinking 'espresso' and asploded.

Below are a few more things about Sims.

Sims don't know how to climb out of a pool, if there's no ladder.
Sims have the insane ability to produce a fire extinguisher from thin air, and then return it back to nothingness in a split second.
Sims have not yet discovered alcohol or cigarettes.
Sims often have nightmares about burning the toast.
There is one therapist for the entire Sim population.
Sims have such shockingly poor hygiene they must shower about six times a day.
Female Sims only get pregnant for three days.
No-one has ever witnessed a Sim birth. People have got close to it, but a message from a stork or a sudden urge to look at the floating green diamonds has stopped all viewing of Sim birth.
The only sex position that the Sims know of is the 69. Most of them forgot it by The Sims 2 anyway.
All Sims are bisexual.
Sims take 5 minutes (sims time) to walk a meter's distance (scaled down to Sim world measurements)
Sims are sims

[edit] How to Kill Your Sims

'Cause well, lets face it, it's the most fun you can have on that game.

Order the Sims to get into the swimming pool, take away the ladder and watch them drown...
Lock them in a empty, doorless room and watch them starve...
Lock them in a doorless kitchen, order them to cook until they start a fire, then watch them burn... cos, they can't run!. No seriously, they scream at the fire because that makes fires go out. Doesn't it, retarded sim I spent like a whole day perfecting? HUH? You just had to have that bloody turkey...
Turn the game off. Thus wiping out their current existence. Muahahahahaaaa...
Pick a sim with low mechanical skill and have him/her repair a television (preferably when hungry), then watch as they electrocute themselves.
If using Sims 2, use the Noodlesoother, Energizer, or Elixir of Life as an elder, when in deep red low aspiration.
99.99% of sims too are too lazy to even wash their dishes, so this can kill them when flies begin to infest their kitchen that should be condemned by the Toxic Waste Department and devours them...
If/when you get University, they can be eaten by cowplants. Which is wicked fun.
Downloading a weapon and having one sim shoot another is always fun too! Made even better if the Sim holding the gun is you while the one you are shooting is one of your enemies :)
With Apartment Life you can lower your Sims needs, and hope they get crushed by a Murphy bed...
Scare them to death! (If this freaking does not work, they'll just pee on their selves and perhaps die of embarrassment instead.)
Lie down on the grass and stargaze until a satellite crashes down on them. Oh, and don't forget... the satellite sells for $2000, which is more valuable than the retarded sim's life itself.
Make the Sims run around with scissors in hand like moronic retards and wait for them to fall to the ground and stab themselves with scissors. If there are many other sims in the house, they are also even stupider as they gather around this sim and weep simultaneously (when they are also playing with the scissors). That will teach the most retarded family in the face of the universe not to run around giddily with scissors!
Make them go to the pool on days when lightning strikes.
Make them wear thongs outdoors on snowy days, and they shall die henceforth of hypothermia, in their desperation to try to heat things up on cold, snowy days.
!ONLY APPLIES TO RL! Sellotape a large emerald (as big as a cumberland sausage) rolled up to your head then walk up to the chosen unsuspecting victim and talk in complete fucking nonsense to them for however long they can stand it. When they walk off, attack them with a knife claiming they didn't aknowledge your disorders and as such need to learn Simlish bitches.