Oprah Winfrey

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Have you seen Oprah? Now with 20% more empowerment in every glass!

Oprah Winfrey, is an African-American media sensation, a God to millions of disenfranchised housewives and singletons. She is proof positive that in the Black Community, women dominate both the home and the business world, and pity the fool that tries to prove otherwise.

Oprah's empire controls television shows, and a cable network, movies, books, thought, Scientology and the hopes and dreams of millions of women world wide. If Oprah says jump, these women will immediately ask "How High?" on the way up.

In 2009, Winfrey will star in an all-black version of the Sound of Music and is currently on location in Austria filming the story of a Catholic nun who becomes the bride Captain in Austrian Navy.

"In the role of Maria, I found peace. In Austria, I have found all the schnitzel that I ever could have imagined - and who knew that veal was this good, tender and tasty? Hell, I just might buy the country, you know what I'm saying?"

The Story of "O"

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The infant Oprah poses for the camera

Raised a poor black child by her well-to-do parents, Oprah found that her only friends that she could count on in life were Pop-Tarts - there are always two to a sealed bag. As a young "Nappy Headed Ho" (she can call herself that, you can't) she began clawing her way up the ladder of success using a unique mix of positive thinking, empowerment and Green Stamps to become co-host of of a third-rate syndicated program called PM Magazine.

From there it was a hop, skip and leap of faith that lead her to first destroy Phil Donahue, before taking on Sally Jesse Rottensmell, Jenny Jones, Tony Danza and every other po-dunk cracker that ever dreamed of success.

Unhappy with this success, Winfrey claimed the word "Oxygen" in the name of her company Harpo Productions and now charges a fee of $20 (US) every time someone uses the word. Think this is foolish? Think again. Oprah knows all, see all and keeps a tally.

She is today the King Midas (work with us on this, OK) of American media, turning everything she touches into gold.

"I've Done Your Drug"

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Oprah Winfrey.

In 1995 Oprah once made the off-handed remark that she had once done drugs. The day after this was said, the United States Crack epidemic began as millions of white middle-class people threw themselves into the inner cities hoping to score a couple rocks.

In turn, this has helped to make these neighborhoods both "Up" and "coming."

From her mouth to your ears

An endorsement from Oprah Winfrey means success, even if you selling bacon to Jews, "Oprah" equals "product sales".

The power of Winfrey's words came in 1990 when she was brave enough to admit that she flossed her teeth. Floss sales in the United States tripled; in the United Kingdom floss use went up an astounding 4,000,000 percent. Next Winfrey announce how fond she was of Velcro fastened shoes - again, her fans stampeded to Wal-Mart and before the day was done every viewer of her show was wearing those ugly-ass shoes.

Other examples of her power to sway people include:

  • Increased use in toilet paper after Oprah confides that she once had a stinky bottom, but now wipes exclusively with toilet paper.
  • Pontiac, the embattled U.S. car maker is about to pull the plug on its unlovable G4 model when Oprah went looking for a corporate handout. After announcing that "everybody gets a car!" millions of viewers stampeded General Motors dealerships demanding keys to the cars. When the dealerships refused, Oprah placed one call to Detroit and GM capitulated, unable to yield to her persuasive banter.
  • And then there is Dr. Phil. Once Oprah introduced the gummy sounds of the loud mouthed Texan to the people of the United States, they felt a duty to let the simple brute into their homes, bought his books and turned him into the biggest sex symbol in America nursing home history.

And who could forget Stedman?

Who?

Mauled by Tom Cruise

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Tom Cruise is caught nano-seconds before his launch onto Oprah; her normal hissing wasn't enough to fend off the attack. "It works with Stedman," said Winfrey later from her hospital room.

While everybody loves Oprah (its true!), one man loved her enough to want to eat her! Tom Cruise appeared on Oprah! and was prepared to talk about his irrational obession with marginal actress Katie Holmes, however his head was turned by the luscious Winfrey. Since real women have curves, Cruise rationalized that "It must be Jelly 'cause Jam don't shake like that." For a brief moment he shoved aside his Scientology beliefs, forgot all about Dyanetics, and pounced on Winfrey during the show.

"Oh, the humanity," decried one observer.

Knowing that his marriage to Katie Holmes was pending, and that nothing could control this Jungle Love that he caught from Winfrey, Cruise opted not to invite Winfrey to his nuptuals. Winfrey, recovering in her hospital room took it all in stride. "There can only be one Princess on a wedding day, and I'll let Tom have that as my gift to them."

Bid to Control the Black Man in the White House

In 2007, Oprah announced that she would endorse Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois) in his bid for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. To do this Oprah set about her four-tiered plan:

  1. Oprah's endorsement means that people who normally not vote for the Black Man will vote for the Black Man because she tells them to do it.
  2. Oprah emasculates Obama in the process because he can only get the votes because for her endorsement.
  3. Oprah destroys Obama's marriage by becoming more important to the President Elect-Obama than Obama's wife - and-
  4. Following Michelle Obama's divorce, Oprah marries Barrack Obama becoming the black Evita of the United States.

Just a big ol'girl

If by some fluke of nature, this plan does not come to fruition, Oprah plans on destroying the world as we know it. As she sees it, "If I can't have things my way, ain't nobody else going to have anything any old way. You know what I'm saying?"

Filmography

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Sally Jesse Rottensmell failed because she wanted her guests to talk about how they felt; Oprah! tells her guests what to do. Big difference
  • The Color Purple (1985) as (Mrs. Purple)
  • Soul Food (1997)
  • The Color Purplish Part 2: (2007)
  • Sound of Music (2009 - in production)
  • The Color Aubergine - (2010 pending)

See also

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