The Rolling Stones
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“You Stones you worse than senseless things”
“The Rolling Stones? If that band was a dog, it would have been put to sleep a long time ago.”
“Start me up... oh God, not my hip again!”
The California Raisins, commonly known as Mick Jadestone and The Rolling Boulders, or the Rolling Stoners, are an old timey skiffle group who are known for their decade-specific 1930's sound, a magic which famously only lasted one summer in nineteen dickety-twelve. Their legend goes as this: On the 6th day, God created Man. But before that, on the 5th day, God created five idiotic humans. Eons later, they are STILL performing. British musicians, they who once achieved an honorable mention in an article in the Canadian society magazine The Globe and Male: "Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau is enjoying a quiet weekend with his wife Margaret at their country retreat, catching up on some home improvements and building a new patio. Evidently Pierre is mixing the cement and Margaret is laying the stones." They are the only band in the world that has ever worn dinosaur leather.
"The Rolling Stones are the hottest, youngest new band to hit the music scene.", an accolade often confused with John Phillips Sousa and his Flaming Tubas.
"The Rolling Stones are the only band to suck as much as the dick they eat." -- Mahatma Ghandi
"I went to one of their concerts, and they tried to eat my brains! I thought I wasn't going to make it out of there, I had to shove a fat lady with a baby towards them to buy time! God they tore them apart!" --This Guy
Ever since they sold their souls to Satan in the 1960s the band sucked more than any other band in this world, they even reportedly bribed Mr. D to give up for The Beatles. The band was originally formed & named by Brian Jones,(his identical twin Davey formed the 1st American boy band,The Monkees around the same time). Brian, famed for his ability to play any instrument instantly, was a serial bigamist & after his death, his wives (352 at the last count) tried to sue the remaining stones for maintenance under the combined nom de plume of Allen Klein. The stones agreed to let them have all the royalties from their 60s output & also named there 70s comeback album, Some Girls (are right fat greedy slags) after them.
Because Brian had a natural feel for music,the early & mid 60s became a massive success for the band.However the other stones grew jealous & plotted behind his back to remove him, they bought a house for him, formerly owned by Lewis Carrol, fed him lsd & put the beatles song-yellow submarine-on repeat play. He was later found dead in his swimming pool.
After being imprisoned in the late 1960s oatcake for possession of jelly beans & fish flavoured mars bars, jagger & richards managed too escape dartmoor prison by constructing a massive butterfly,designed by Rees Moog.They then released a record under a new moniker-The Who-but became bored with people saying-The Who?-, They later sold all rights too the BBC & also receive royalties whenever anyone attempts too crack the old Dr Who jokes. In the early 70s & unable too pay for taxis, (none of the band can drive apart from Keef & who would seriously want to be in a car while hes driving!?) they moved abroad & flew to Disney World in Paris, which has a monorail, there they they rented a small shack called Nil point & recorded an album-Exile on Minnie Mouse Street. Full of drug refs inc Snow White, Flying Elephants etc & featuring uber groupie Bambi, it became renowned as there greatest effort & they were crowned King Of The Swingers by Walt himself.
After this period,the band relied entirely on Mick Taylor too compose all there albums as jagger sought a new life as an actor & Keef became a human laboratory franchised by dunhill & jack daniels.The stress became too much & Mick taylor left & enrolled as a life guard for baywatch,underwent hymen reconstruction & changed his name to Pamela Anderson.
In the mid-late 70s in an effort to keep up with their younger contemporaries, the stones recruited Ronnie Woods & embraced disco & morris dancing, also Keef became a full/time vampire requiring constant blood changes. Bill wyman was so appalled he started a creche & later left the band. Charlie Watts also ran into health issues around this time & became profoundly deaf & dumb, he later learned too lip read but this did not stop the rest of the band mercilessly ribbing him. Keef & the gang changed his surname by deed poll to What as an affectionate wind up. With Bill gone, Brian Jones briefly rejoined to help record 6ft under (released as undercover of shite) He played banjo, autoharp, my old mans a dustbin man & moog synths on most of the new trax, although jagger later overdubbed most traces with vocals such as "allRiggggggghhht" & "Woo Woo".
After managing to have Brian declared contractually dead to avoid paying him, the rest of the stones went into Tax exile again & relocated to the south pole,where they played there largest gig ever in front of over 400,000 penguins. (later made into a film-march of the penguins)
Ron Wood's report that he was abducted by aliens in the spring of 1978 has been proven false, perhaps even a hoax. The Stones themselves insist it's true. Fellow band member Charlie Watts reported him fashioning "heads" out of potato skins and wood glue, claiming they were exact replicas of the aliens who had taken him. The replicas have been witnessed by anonymous third parties, and it's true he was caught at New York's JFK airport with 200 pounds of potatoes in burlap sacks during the Stone's 1981 "Tattoo You" tour. The significance of these potatoes has not been established with any certainty. Psychiatrist Bill Peeldraw of John Hopkins Hospital offered the opinion that "rock stars often suffer from these delusions due to their drug intake and may account for Mr. Wood's mediocre guitar playing as well". Dr. Peeldraw goes on to say that he feels these "spud" fantasies are merely Mr. Wood's projected self image. Mr. Wood has refused to comment.
Despite only having one song (the stones can neither tune nor play their instruments) the band regularly cash in each year by releasing the same record in a different sleeve & adding live audience sounds. They have also maximised their income by franchising & the stones now tour simultaneously in at least 3 or 4 continents, only taking off xmas day to let jagger appear in panto at the London palladium, Discography is as follows
- England's Newest Black Imitators (1964)
- 12 X 55.5 (1964)
- Later! (1965)
- The One With "Satisfaction" (1965)
- This'll Sell Real Well (1965)
- Hey Look, We Wrote All Our Songs This Time! (And Added Some Subliminal Messages Now!) (1966)
- Ok, So The Whole "Subliminal Messages" Thing Was A Bad Idea... But Hey! We Wrote Some Original Songs Now At Least!" (1967)
- Their Satanic Waitress' Dinner Orders (1967)
- Flower Power Was a Load of Crap, Wasn't It? (1968)
- New Platter of Drugs (1968)
- Let It Bleed And Die You Emos (1969)
- Get Yer Ya Ya's Outta Me (1970)
- Fuck the Beatles! (1970)
- Sticky Needles (1971)
- Somehow, This Turned Out To Be Our Best Album Ever (1972)
- Songs Left Over From Our Cocaine Binge (1973)
- It's Only Rock N Roll (And Maybe Some RnB, Reggae, And A Little Country) (1974)
- White N' Nerdy (1976)
- Some Drugs (1978)
- Gay Rescue (1980)
- The One With "Start Me Up" (1981)
- Shit Only Hardcore Fans Would Buy (1983)
- Lazy Work (1986)
- Mick's Demotions (1989)
- We Finally Tried To Sound Like The Classic Rock Band We Are (1994)
- Elevators to Epsilon (1997)
- If We Make Another Album, I'm Going To Scream My Head Off (1998.5)
- Keith's Song (The song where Jagger goes off for oxygen) (2007)
- Start Me Up an AARP Account (2008)
- Live from the Farewell VIII Tour (2000)
- Keith Richards dies on the outside, creating an half-dead inbred abortion of a "human", more of a cross between Medusa and a zombie. (That's really how the dinosaurs died.)
- Future band members experiment with drugs...days after being born.
- Guitarist Brian Jones gets caught up in a drug scandal and has to change his identity to Mick Taylor and later Ronnie Wood. He continues to play with the Stones and a fake story about drowning is established by the band's manager.
- It is rumored that during a tour in 1968 Keith Richards drank the blood of a possessed bat and that this is the true source of his unholy power. Since then he has always slept upside down. The blood-incident is apparently the source of inspiration to their following 1969 album Let It Bleed.
- Lead singer Mick Jagger stabs a Hells Angels member to death during a free concert at the Woodstock Music festival in 1942.
- Bass guitarist Bill Wyman decides to set up a Flea Circus in 1976 and, after some initial difficulty getting the fleas to feed on the other members, he manages to do so with the help of some top accountants.
- Bob Dylan releases a hit single, "Like the Rolling Stones", satirizing their rise to fame. It tracks them through their early formative years as eukaryotic cells and follows them up through their meteoric rise to fame during the Great Flood, the Black Plague and both World Wars.
- The band members are rumored to be immortal. Hilary Duff also denies these allegations.
- The band finally retires after releasing their last single, "Time for Us to Go (and Soil Our Pants)".
- The Rolling Stones come back from retirement to play one tour. That was three tours ago.
- Mick Jagger is sent to the crazy house for gathering moss.
- The Rolling Stones make their final album Where's My Hearing Aid?
- After the death of Charlie Watts, David Lo Pan joined the Stones line-up.
- Mick Jagger is let out of the crazy house. He misses those white magicians.
- World War 3 starts.
- The Rolling Stones go on tour but make no money because no one else (with the exception of cockroaches, who incidentally have better taste in music) is still alive.
- In the year 4067 they go on tour again.
- 1994 - A documentary on the growing concern of the Japanese tree-eating bug and the subsequent development of new clear-cut forests is released.
- 1972 - The supergroup New York Dolls is formed, initially by Richards and Wilde, releasing 2 albums.
- In 5031 they finally die, victims of an errant asteroid...except for Keith Richards. He is left lonely and in need of blood.
- In 6000 all the coach roaches get bored and end up jumping into a volcano leaving Kieth Richards the last man alive.
- In 6001 God notices everyone's dead and comes on down to earth and says to Kieth why are you still here! Why can't you die!!!
- In 6333 Keith starts to get really lonely, then one day while walking down the rocky deserted road he finds a spooky abandoned Laboratory.
- In 6335 Using the many lost books he found in the humongous laboratory, Keith Richards figures a way to bring life back to his fellow Rolling Stones, though Donald the talking Dunetroll warns him the grave misfortune that comes from trying to play god, Keith really misses Mick and he does so anyway.
- In 6335 The Rolling Stones, together again, decide to play a concert of a magnitude more rockin' than anything ever done before. This results in the eruption of the earth's core.
- In 45%F569, Ben & Jerry's opens for the first time.
- In The Profound and Mystical Creation Boundless from the Human Concept Of Time, without a home, or matter that isn't dark, The Rolling Stones remain separated in there darkest hour in hopes of one day reuniting.
- Mick Jagger lands in a great body of water, without knowledge of where or what is to come.
- Where's The Beer? (1963)
- Useless Song (1963)
- I Wanna Be The Greatest (or "Some awesome Song Paul McCutie and Johnny B. Lennon Wrote for .. oooh.. i say.. googling them two.. wow.. they ARE cute!")' (1963)
- "Another Useless Song" (1963)
- Donkey Rot! (More Appealing Than It Sounds) (1963)
- It Ain't Misogyny (It's Only Rock 'n Roll) (1964)
- "Let's Get Retarded" (1964)
- "Crime is on My Side (Yes It Is, you Lawmen, Laymen, whatever)" (1964)
- "Heart of Glass" (1964)
- "Play with Lizzie McGuire" (1965)
- "(I Can't Get No) Liposuction (But Chemotherapy, Why Yes)" (1965)
- "Get Off of My Couch!" (1965)
- "As Kirsch Go Down (My Throat)" (1965)
- "420th Time I Got A Nervous Breakdown From Taking Too Much Acid, Gunja, and Jesus Juice (Just Like Brian Jones)" (1965)
- "Paint It Rainbowy" (1966)
- "Kick Him Back" (1966)
- "Santa's Little Helper" (1966)
- "Omg Mick died in a fatal crash" (1966)
- "Let's Spend My Cash On Leather Suede"/ "I Ate at Ruby Tuesday Last Night and Ate Some Hamburgers" (1967)
- "We Hate You, Oscar Wilde!"/ "Dannyphantom" (1967)
- "In Another Land Before Time"/ "The Green Lantern" (1967)
- "She's A Pain In The Arse" (1967)
- "Jumpin' Jocks Flood The Football Stadium" (1968)
- "Sympathy For The Wilde" (1968)
- "No Experience On How To Seduce Paris Hilton (or Liposuction part II)" (1968)
- "Hanky Panky Pokémon Women" (1969)
- "Gimme Alka-Seltzer" (1969)
- "You Can't Always Fuck What You Want (Like Marianne Faithfull)" (1969)
- "Cocksucker Blues" (1970)
- "Black Sucka!" (1971)
- "I said, put the frigging needle in my arm" (1971)
- "Piled Corpses" (1971)
- "Tumbleweed Smoking" (1972)
- "Bittersweet Chocolate Black Bitch Man" (1972)
- "Sweet Vagina" (1972)
- "Hoppia" (1972)
- "Ang Huling El Bimbo" (1973)
- "It's Only Cocks 'n' Stripper Poles (But I Like 'Em)" (censored as "It's Only Cough 'n' Cold") (1974)
- "Ain't Too Proud, You Fag!" (1974)
- "Fooled To Die" (1976)
- "Fuck You"/ "Fagged Away Nicely (The Brokeback Mountain Anthem)" (1978)
- "Despicable" (1978)
- "Shocker!" (1978)
- "Gay Rescue" (1980)
- "Shoot Me Up (Please, I Mean It)" (1981)
- "Hanging on a Fiend" (1981)
- "Finally I'm official Fag" (1981)
- "Undercover Brotha" (1983)
- "Steel Heels" (1989)
- "Ronnie is drunk" (1867)
- "HOW DARE YOU CHEATED ON ME, HEWBERT! GOSH!!!" (1709)
- "Billy McFluffers" (featuring Snow Patrol) (2065)
- The band's name is derived from Keith Richards' discovery at the age of 14 that he suffered from choleliths.
- Their biggest hit "Satisfaction" was actually written by a known pathological liar named Tommy Flanagan who originally titled the song "I Can't Get No Service In This Place". He and Mick Jagger were fisting buddies.
- The Rolling Stones are often accused of being greedy. This is not true. In fact, neither Mick Jagger nor Keith Richards have eaten for over 300 years. Until recently they donated all of their food to the likes of Luciano Pavarotti.
- Drummer Charlie Voltage has not changed his facial expression since 1868.
- Bill Wyman committed suicide soon after joining the band, because he found life too boring. Bill Wyman's corpse still plays bass for the Stones.
- The Rolling Stones are ancient beyond the comprehension of normal human beings.
- Contrary to popular belief, Keith Richards was not an extra in the Austrian pop comedy/thrashcore musical "Unt der Blirtens"
- Keith Richards was given the nickname "Keef" by Oscar Wilde sometime in the fall of 1965 during their XCVVVLIVL "Back with a Bang" Tour.
- Brian Jones was a member of the Great British Society of Unicyclists.
- Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both offered roles on the hit show "The Good Life" but they couldn't settle on payment so their parts went to Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie .
- Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were initially rejected by Death.
- The Rolling Stones hired the mob to kill Jimi Hendrix.
- Brian Jones never died and in fact he was deported to Mongolia by the British government for acting like a twat. He currently resides in Ulaanbataar with his wife and twelve kids.
- Bill Wyman's real name is really William Winchestersauce IV. He came up with the name when he told a bunch of people that he was in The Rolling Stones. Everyone replied, "WHY, man?!" The name stuck,
- The Rolling Stones, did, in fact, sing backup with The Beatles in 1967. As a result of this collaboration, The Rolling Stones "borrowed" The Beatles' song schematics, instruments, and their album photographer. When asked about this, Mick Jagger replied, "Have you seen your mother, baby, standing in the shadow?" He was confirmed to be high on hydrogen peroxide.
- The band got the idea for the song "Brown Sugar" when Brian Jones, being the prankster he is, shat all over Keith Richards' cocaine.
- Ronnie Wood is a fan of metal-detectors and digging for items during spare time is one of his favorite hobbies. (This is actually true. I know! How lame, right?)
- During the 1960s the Rolling Stones were involved in a chart war with The Beatles and the Arthur Lyman Group
- The song 'Let's Spend the Night Together' is loosely based upon Keith Richard's experiences upon finding a bull frog in his bathroom while on a more unusual acid trip