The Rolling Stones

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

The Rolling Stones Biographical information Homeworld Canada Physical description Species Geezer Gender E-male Height 5 ft Hair color grey (dyed brown) Eye color constantly detiriorating Chronological and political information Era(s) 1960s, 1970s, 1980s, 1990s, 2000s
	[Source]

“You Stones you worse than senseless things”

~ William Shakespeare on Rolling Stones

“and I thought that I'm the only who suck”

~ Rick Astley on Rolling Stones

“only God could create some retards, but this is unique event, the rolling stones? oh god, please shoot me”

~ Simon Cowell on Rolling Stones

“Okay, Simon”

~ Karma on Simon Cowell

“umm... if I would give you an example of the great band that is similar to the abba, but as a male band... umm... then... yes, this is the band who is perfect for you... pop rules”

~ George W. Bush on Rolling Stones

The Rolling Stones are an old timey skiffle group who are known for there decade-specific 1930's sound, a magic which famously only lasted one summer in nineteen dickety-twelve. There legend goes as this: On the 6th day, God created Man. But before that, on the 5th day, God created five idiotic humans. Eons later, they are STILL performing. British musicians, they who once achieved an honorable mention in an article in the Canadian society magazine The Globe and Male: "Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau is enjoying a quiet weekend with his wife Margaret at their country retreat, catching up on some home improvements and building a new patio. Evidently Pierre is mixing the cement and Margaret is laying the stones." They are the only band in the world that has ever worn dinosaur leather.

"The Rolling Stones are the hottest, youngest new band to hit the music scene.", an accolade often confused with John Phillips Sousa and his Flaming Tubas.

"The Rolling Stones are the only band to suck as much as the dick they eat." -- Mahatma Ghandi

"I went to one of their concerts, and they tried to eat my brains! I thought I wasn't going to make it out of there, I had to shove a fat lady with a baby towards them to buy time! God they tore them apart!" --This Guy

Ever since they sold their souls to Satan in the 1960s the band sucked more than any other band in this world, they even reportedly bribed Mr. D to give up for The Beatles.

Contents 1 Discography 2 Timeline 3 Singles 4 Trivia 5 See also

[edit] Discography

1. England's Newest Black Wannabes (1964)
2. 12 X 55.5 (1964)
3. Later! (1965)
4. The One With "Satisfaction" (1965)
5. This'll Sell Real Well (1965)
6. Hey Look, We Wrote All Our Songs This Time! (And Added Some Subliminal Messages Now!) (1966)
7. Ok, So The Whole "Subliminal Messages" Thing Was A Bad Idea... But Hey! We Wrote Some Original Songs Now At Least!" (1967)
8. Their Satanic Waitress' Dinner Orders (1967)
9. Flower Power Was a Load of Crap, Wasn't It? (1968)
10. New Platter of Drugs (1968)
11. Let It Bleed And Die You Emos (1969)
12. Get Yer Cum Out (1970)
13. Fuck the Beatles! (1970)
14. One Big Cocainefest (1971)
15. Somehow, This Turned Out To Be Our Best Album Ever (1972)
16. Songs Left Over From Our Cocaine Binge (1973)
17. It's Only Rock N Roll (And Maybe Some RnB, Reggae, And A Little Country) (1974)
18. White N' Nerdy (1976)
19. Some Drugs (1978)
20. Gay Rescue (1980)
21. The One With "Start Me Up" (1981)
22. Shit Only Hardcore Fans Would Buy (1983)
23. Lazy Work (1986)
24. Mick's Demotions (1989)
25. We Finally Tried To Sound Like The Classic Rock Band We Are (1994)
26. We Need A New World Tour (1997)
27. If We Make Another Album, I'm Going To Scream My Head Off (1998.5)
28. Fuck George W. Bush (2005)
29. Keith's Song (The song where Jagger goes off for oxygen) (2007)
30. Start Me Up an AARP Account (2008)
31. Live from the Farewell VIII Tour (2000)

[edit] Timeline

• Mick Jagger crawls out of the primordial ooze in 1,000,000,000 B.C.

• Keith Richards dies on the outside, creating an half-dead inbred abortion of a "human", more of a cross between Medusa and a zombie. (That's really how the dinosaurs died.)

• Future band members experiment with drugs...days after being born.

• Guitarist Brian Jones gets caught up in a drug scandal and has to change his identity to Mick Taylor and later Ronnie Wood. He continues to play with the Stones and a fake story about drowning is established by the band's manager.

• It is rumored that during a tour in 1968 Keith Richards drank the blood of a possessed bat and that this is the true source of his unholy power. Since then he has always slept upside down. The blood-incident is apparently the source of inspiration to their following 1969 album Let It Bleed.

• Lead singer Mick Jagger stabs a Hells Angels member to death during a free concert at the Woodstock Music festival in 1942.

• Bass guitarist Bill Wyman decides to set up a Flea Circus in 1976 and, after some initial difficulty getting the fleas to feed on the other members, he manages to do so with the help of some top accountants.

• Bob Dylan releases a hit single, "Like the Rolling Stones", satirizing their rise to fame. It tracks them through their early formative years as eukaryotic cells and follows them up through their meteoric rise to fame during the Great Flood, the Black Plague and both World Wars.

• The band members are rumored to be immortal. Hilary Duff also denies these allegations.

• The band finally retires after releasing their last single, "Time for Us to Go (and Soil Our Pants)".

• The Rolling Stones come back from retirement to play one tour. That was three tours ago.

• Mick Jagger is sent to the crazy house for gathering moss.

• The Rolling Stones make their final album Where's My Hearing Aid?

• After the death of Charlie Watts, David Lo Pan joined the Stones line-up.

• Mick Jagger is let out of the crazy house. He misses those white magicians.

• World War 3 starts.

• The Rolling Stones go on tour but make no money because no one else (with the exception of cockroaches, who incidentally have better taste in music) is still alive.

• In the year 4067 they go on tour again.

• In 5031 they finally die, victims of an errant asteroid...except for Keith Richards. He is left lonely and in need of blood.

• In 6000 all the coacharoaches get bored and end up jumping into a volcanoe leaving Kieth Richards the last man alive.

• In 6001 god notices everyones dead and comes on down to eath and says to Kieth why are you still here! Why can't you die!!!

• In 6333 Keith starts to get really lonely, than one day while walking down the rocky deserted road he finds a spooky abandoned Laboratory.

• In 6335 Using the many lost books he found in the humongous laboratory, Keith Richards figures a way to bring life back to his fellow Rolling Stones, though Donald the talking Dunetroll warns him the grave misfortune that comes from trying to play god, Keith really misses Mick and he does so anyway.

• In 6335 The Rolling Stones, together again, decide to play a concert of a magnitude more rockin' than anything ever done before. This results in the eruption of the earth's core.

• In The Profound and Mystical Creation Boundless from the Human Concept Of Time, without a home, or matter that isnt dark, The Rolling Stones remain separated in there darkest hour in hopes of one day reuniting.

• Mick Jagger lands in a great body of water, without knowledge of where or what is to come.

• Mick Jagger crawls out of the primordial ooze in 1,000,000,000 B.C.

[edit] Singles

• "Useless Song" (1963)

• "I Wanna Be The Greatest (or "Some awesome Song Paul McCutie and Johnny B. Lennon Wrote for us") (1963)

• "Another Useless Song" (1963)

• "Hey Guys, Looks Like Another Uselss Song (or Useless Song part III)" (1964)

• "Useless Song 4: The Crackdown" (1964)

• "Let's Get Retarded" (1964)

• "Crime is on My Side (Yes It Is, you Lawmen, Laymen, whatever)" (1964)

• "Heart of Glass" (1964)

• "Play with Lizzie McGuire" (1965)

• "(I Can't Get No) Liposuction (But Chemotherapy, Why Yes)" (1965)

• "Get Off of My Couch!" (1965)

• "As Kirsch Go Down (My Throat)" (1965)
• "420th Time I Got A Nervous Breakdown From Taking Too Much Acid, Gunja, and Jesus Juice (Just Like Brian Jones)" (1965)

• "Paint It Rainbowy" (1966)

• "Kick Him Back" (1966)

• "Santa's Little Helper" (1966)

• "Omg Mick died in a fatal crash" (1966)

• "Let's Spend My Cash On Leather Suede"/ "I Ate at Ruby Tuesday Last Night and Ate Some Hamburgers" (1967)

• "We Hate You, Oscar Wilde!"/ "Dannyphantom" (1967)

• "In Another Land Before Time"/ "The Green Lantern" (1967)

• "She's A Pain In The Arse" (1967)

• "Jumpin' Jocks Flood The Football Stadium" (1968)

• "Sympathy For The Wilde" (1968)

• "Street Fighters vs. The X-Men" (1968)

• "No Experience On How To Seduce Paris Hilton (or Liposuction part II)" (1968)

• "Hanky Panky Pokémon Women" (1969)

• "Gimme Alka-Seltzer" (1969)

• "You Can't Always Fuck What You Want (Like Marianne Faithfull)" (1969)

• "Black Sucka!" (1971)

• "I said, put the frigging needle in my arm" (1971)

• "Piled Corpses" (1971)

• "Tumbleweed Smoking" (1972)

• "Bittersweet Chocolate Black Bitch Man" (1972)

• "Hoppia" (1972)

• "Ang Huling El Bimbo" (1973)

• "It's Only Cocks 'n' Stripper Poles (But I Like 'Em)" (censored as "It's Only Cough 'n' Cold") (1974)

• "Ain't Too Proud, You Fag!" (1974)

• "Fooled To Die" (1976)

• "Fuck You"/ "Fagged Away Nicely (The Brokeback Mountain Anthem)" (1978)

• "Despicable" (1978)

• "Shocker!" (1978)

• "Emo Musical Rescue" (1980)

• "Shoot Me Up (Please, I Mean It)" (1981)

• "Hanging on a Fiend" (1981)

• "Finally I'm official Fag" (1981)

[edit] Trivia

• The band's name is derived from Keith Richards' discovery at the age of 14 that he suffered from choleliths.
• Their biggest hit "Satisfaction" was actually written by a known pathological liar named Tommy Flanagan who originally titled the song "I Can't Get No Service In This Place". He and Mick Jagger were fishing buddies.
• The Rolling Stones are often accused of being greedy. This is not true. In fact, neither Mick Jagger nor Keith Richards have eaten for over 300 years. Until recently they donated all of their food to the likes of Luciano Pavarotti.
• Drummer Charlie Voltage has not changed his facial expression since 1868.
• Bill Wyman committed suicide soon after joining the band, because he found life too boring. Bill Wyman's corpse still plays bass for the Stones.
• The Rolling Stones are ancient beyond the comprehension of normal human beings.
• Contrary to popular belief, Keith Richards was not an extra in the Austrian pop comedy/thrashcore musical "Unt der Blirtens"
• Brian Jones was a member of the Great British Society of Unicyclists.
• Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both offered roles on the hit show "The Good Life" but they couldn't settle on payment so their parts went to Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie .
• Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were initially rejected by Death.
• The Rolling Stones hired the mob to kill Jimi Hendrix.

[edit] See also

• Ringo
• Brian Jones
• Mick Jagger
• Keith Richards
• Ronnie Wood