Dwayne Johnson

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Rockymavia

The Rock getting ready to enjoy his latest movie.

“Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?”
~ The Rock on his short-lived bakery show on the Home Living network

Dwayne Douglas "Jabroni-Beatin', Pie-Eatin'" Johnson (born May 2, 1972), better known by his ring name The Rock (also referring to himself as "The Great One" or "The People's Champion" and always in the third-person), is a Canadian-American wrestler and amateur actor known to be the most hardy and electrifying man in wrestling today. Among his infinite list of accomplishments, The Rock was a 10-time world wrestling champion, being the most quoted by jocks who think they're clever, and winner of the 2000 Royal Rumble. Most importantly, The Rock is The People's Champion, the "people" being the millions...*prolonged inhale*...upon millions of Rock fans.

Although The Rock has been alive for billions of years, his wrestling career only began much later in his life. His crew rolled him into the ring where he literally crushed the competition. No one could stand up to him. Upon winning several championships the WWF were faced with the daunting task of fashioning a bigger belt for him, rumoured to be made entirely out of the spandex in Richard Simmons' workout suits.

edit Early life

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Dwayne Johnson.

Like many of the little jabronis that look up to The Rock, The Rock was born out of his mother's pie and his father's strudel in Hollywood, California. Johnson's maternal grandfather, "High Chief" Peter Maivia, was a professional wrestler in Hawaii. A native of Samoa, his father's "trademark" was the ceremonial tattoos that covered the lower half of his body. Johnson's father, Rocky Johnson, helped bring him up in this tradition of wrestling, strudel, and tattooedness.

Growing up, Dwayne was always made fun of in school for his diminutive stature. He was never on sports teams, nor did he participate in his gym class as a child, claiming asthma. He tried mowing lawn one summer, but quickly gave it up. He did, however, play a lot of football in his young adult years at the University of Miami, which was the basis for The Rock's hit movie The Game Plan in which he plays an NFL quarterback living the bachelor lifestyle who soon discovers that he has a 8-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

Johnson became interested in Pool Hall hustling, but quickly settled for wrestling instead when he realized the lever of skill needed to hustle pool, citing a "Back injury" that would forever mar his image in pool halls across LA.

edit Wrestling career

Rockstorment

The Rock's secret torment.

Along with his grandfather, several members of Johnson's family are current and former professional wrestlers, including his uncles, the Wild Samoans (Afa and Sika Anoai), and cousins such as the late Japanese wrestler Yokozuna and former tag team wrestler Rikishi. When he declared his intention to join the family business to his grandfather, the elder Johnson resisted, but agreed to train his grandson himself, warning him that he would not go easy on him. With help from veteran wrestler Pat Patterson, Johnson secured a tryout with the local wrestling circuit. Impressed by his talent and charisma, he was nevertheless beaten frequently, due to his physical condition and general incompetence.

Johnson began his star-studded and eventful wrestling career in 1996, when he joined the the WWF (The Rock hates the WWE and would rather bring back the "F"). Within two years, he climbed up the ranks and secured the WWF Heavyweight Championship through his plethora of incomparable talent and charisma, rather than through a faked match like all other wrestling matches are. His original alias, that of Rocky Mavia, was a combination of names of other wrestlers, and while gaining Johnson early success, was abandoned for the rougher personality of The Rock that made him into a household name across the country.

After abandoning clients who turned on him when his identity as Rocky Mavia was blown, The Rock became more abusive towards his fans. Known for such abusive phrases as "Know your role and shut your mouth!", The Rock became more popular among the more affluent fanbase as a follower of Vince and Shane McMahon, with their notorious "stable" of wrestlers, and remained popular since. During his lucrative career as the greatest wrestler of all-time, The Rock feuded and went one-on-one with some of the best in the industry (and Triple H), including Mankind, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Wyclef Jean, Ken Shamrock, Hulk Hogan, Kurt Angle, John Cena, and Mr. Doodles.

Wrestling's popularity in the late 1990s and early 2000s resurged to a level unheard of since the 1980s, partially as a result of power sellers or "WWF Champions" as they came to be called. As he aged, The Rock decided that, as a pop-culture icon in the wrestling world, he didn't need to wrestle anymore and could just coast on his reputation, and got out of the game. The fans and his clients were incensed, and in the resulting violence, Johnson had his legs and arms broken repeatedly, and has tragically been unable to wrestle more normally since. However, he reportedly has the consolation of owning a controlling interest in the world's largest kitten farm, rumored to produce over 80% of the orange kittens used in the worldwide kitten huffing trade.

edit Acting career

Johnson wanted to be an actor for a short period in high school. However, his commitment to Pool Hall hustling and later wrestling marred this. Since he stopped wrestling following his "accident," this boyhood ambition has resurfaced. Since his career interest rekindled, he has submitted several unreturned scripts to various actors, hoping that they might "hook a brother up." He has starred in acclaimed films such as The Scorpion King (2002), which was much better than Stone Cold Steve Austin's movie Condemned, and that's the bottom line because The Rock said so; Walking Tall (2004), about a physically disabled wrestler-turned-actor (loosely based on himself), who returns to town and kills all those who nearly killed him; and Doom (2005), where he became known as the only actor to use a plasma rifle for no apparent reason (regardless of the setting or circumstances).

Due to the fact that his former roommate from high school and his clients won't act in his movies anymore, and he is unable to perform more than the most rudimentary physical action unassisted due to injuries, he gets periodically discouraged, and stopped from 2002 until recently. This year, he will be coming out with two new films, entitled Un Cool, about playing pong, and Drug Hunter, loosely based on Dope Wars, both intended as sequels to these video games he enjoys. He plans to make more movies, including Drugland Tales (expected 2017), and claims he wants to do a live-action version of Cartoon Network's Johnny Bravo soon.

The Rock has also had a great deal of interest in hosting his own cooking program, but television producers told The Rock that The Rock would have to come up with a clever catchphrase. The Rock has had some trouble doing so; his most recent idea has been, "If you can nasal-l-l-ly detect, what The Rock...is preparing in the Rock's kitchen!"; however this is all still under development.

edit Ethnicity

The Rock's race has been a major object of controversy. There have been speculations that The Rock is half-grizzly bear and half Samoan. Other sources claim the Rock is in fact half-black, half-Samoan, half-Mexican and half-Egyptian. On the set of "Scorpion King" the Rock was overheard saying "can a nigga get some water up in this bitch?!" Also on the set of "Race to Witch Mountain" when someone had spilled water on the Rock, the Rock exploded into a tirade in Spanish then preceded to body slam the perpetrator. Somehow the Rock is related to Chuck Norris, prompting the possibility of Cherokee ancestry. The Rock is accepted as "universally brown". Rumors stated that the Rock is actually Turkish, thus explaining his immortal powers.

edit Trademark pose

The Rock's most famous pose, lifting his right arm with a clinched fist, so simple yet so meaningful. As we all know The Rock operates under two simple rules. The first being; The Rock never loses; and the second; if by a freak a nature, an act of god, or a pie to face, The Rock actually loses, then refer the fuck back to rule one jabroni. Don't judge The Rock. In one case when The Rock was twelve, The Rock lost a game of The Rock, The Paper, The Scissors against a class mate. He chose The Rock but the class mate chose The Paper; this seriously upset The Rock ending his 12 year reign undefeated in everything including strudeling pies. After this shocking event, The Rock of course raised a brow and laid the smack down on that sumbitch.

edit See also

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