The Residents

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Residents

Those aren't masks. Those are their actual heads.

Note: We can try to make stuff up about The Residents, but that would be less strange than their actual history. The following is 100% true.

The Residents are a group of four musical aliens from the farthest reaches of Space. Some have theorized that they are anonymous loonies or hiding a deformity, or even that they are Homer Flynn, but those people are wrong. They do not speak at all, and only one them seems capable of communication through the means of singing. They have a strange fascination with the Mole People, and many have considered them to be trying to concur the Earth with their aid. However, they revealed that through a rigorous game of Charades that their intention is not to concur earth, but to take ballet lessons and teach trucks how to dance. Or at least, that's what the interviewer assumed.

edit Music?

Most of the Residents albums involve what is widely considered to be "the most insane music ever," they have been known to play such instruments such as shopping carts, cats, cowbells, pumpkins and The Crowtar.

Christopher Walken is said to be a fan of their music. "Not only... have they cured... my fever... for Cowbell... but they also... did a kick-ass version... of... "If I Had a Hammer."

They have released 142 albums, and won't stop releasing them until their arch-nemesis Dick Clark is truly dead. We can only hope Dick Clark never dies.

edit Biography

The history of this band is a mystery wrapped in an enigma and coated with a milk chocolate shell. The Residents are rumored to be from Jupiter, but the Residents have neither confirmed nor denied this. Other than that, being that nobody really knows for sure who or what they really are, nobody really thinks about it too much, with the exception of Dick Cheney, who is wholeheartedly convinced they are undercover terrorists, yet is powerless to arrest them since nobody knows who the hell they are. Which really, truly sucks.

However, their last known whereabouts were just released last week; they nonchalantly strolled the local mall when The Beatles stopped them in their tracks (with John Lennon reportedly shouting "we meet again, villains!") and attempted to destroy, what they call, the Bizarro Beatles. They failed miserably, and the aftermath left Ringo Starr dead due to his blood being sucked out his face by Snakefinger's snake finger.

edit Trivia

  • The Residents once beat Spock in a game of Chess. This is how Resident 1 lost his head/mask.
  • Oscar Wilde never really cared for The Residents.
  • David Lynch offered for them to appear as extras in Eraserhead, but the Residents stole the first aborted cow fetus and weren't seen for about two weeks, in which they went on a wacky adventure to attempt to release the creature out into the wild. As soon as they did, it was eaten by a bear.
  • Michael Jackson is scared of The Residents. Nobody really blames him though.
  • A Resident can make a baby cry simply by existing.
  • Poking a Resident's head feels really, really gross.
  • The Residents have been making plans to travel to Constantinople ever since they started, they haven't been, but continue to tell everyone about it in song format anyway.
  • In Denmark, threatening kids with "If you're not nice, The Residents will come out of the closet tonight" is a common way to get them (the kids, that is) to behave.
  • Frank Zappa once collaborated with The Residents, but their music was so weird that his brain imploded in three milliseconds while recording Please, For Your Own Sake, Do NOT Meet The Residents.

edit Discography

Please, For Your Own Sake, Do Not Meet The Residents (1822)
Completely Available (1840)
Goose Impale! (1850)
Flamingo Bludgeon! (1860)
Nobody Cares About What Happened To Vileness Fats (1880)
Lake Of Felony (1889)
Daffy Duck Stab! (1900)
Whiskymo (1904)
The Infomercial Album (1913)

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edit See also

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