“Immanuel isn't a pun; he Kant be!”
“The only good pun is a deadpan”
Uncyclopedia was once a carefree Wiki in a golden age of innocence. The humour within was amusing and largely free of poorly timed word play. All this would change when the The Pun Invasion of Uncyclopedia punctually began...
Usually driving Fiat Puntos, they punted local punters out of the way stopping only when they got a puncture. The Puns frequently became involved in pungent punch-ups, punctuated only by the punitive measures of the punishing puny locals.
edit The Different Puns
The Puns originally descended from the Pundigrion tribe of Italy who had interbred with the Punctilious and were in-tern descended from the Puntiglios and their ancestors the Pungere. At the time of the invasion they could be sub-divided into the following ethnic groups:
- Bilingual Puns included warriors Un, Deux, Trois and Quatre whose punts cinq during the invasion. Eins and Zwei however made it to drei land. Unfortunately they were unable to make it far into the country having no Monet to buy Degas to make their Van Gogh.
- Daffynitions were young protein puns who failed to get a propaganda at the Wiki when it became impossible to pass an unavoidable male cow. Using bicycles proved ineffective as they were two-tired making them late and isolated. Those who did not dilate and survived required medical attention from a paradox. Some were able to find work as jugglers, but most didn't have the balls to do it, ending up as unemployed oboes. Nearby trees were relieved when no matter how hard the Daffynitions pushed the envelope, it remained stationery.
- Malapropism Puns could not understand the porpoise of the invasion, considering it to be the very pineapple of politeness. Many incinerating that the whole flaming thing was a pigment of everyone's imagination. Later geriatric tasting proved them to be of a different genius altogether.
- Spoonerism Puns led by William Archibald Spooner were toasted when they glazed their asses on arrival. The Wiki went nucking futs. Later many became mean as custard towards the Spoonerisms when allegations of prostitution became rife, but those abreast of current events knew it was a sale of two titties. All the breast-solicitors went into hiding briefly, but the striped briefs were soon spotted when the ever-hirsute Mary Hinge came on a date with Danny Fishcharge before slyly Spoonering it up with excellent Scott Mills.
- Tom Swifty Puns lost huge numbers during the sea crossing. Even though there was nothing wrong with the ship, many jumped overboard with reckless abandon. Those who landed safely met with a vacuum of approval despite speaking succinctly, with most considering them shellfish giving a crappy reception. "We might as well be dead!" croaked the Tom Swiftys, as they were sent surreptitiously to Benson's house of pancakes.
- Shaggy dog story Puns were banned from taking part in this article as the author is causing enough pain as it is. Oh, did I tell you about the Pun with the shaggy dog that was uncommonly shaggy? Well... Many people remarked upon its considerable shagginess. When he learned that there was a contests for shaggy dogs, he entered his dog. The dog won first prize for shagginess in both the local and the regional competitions. He then entered the dog in ever-larger contests, until finally he entered it in the world championship for shaggy dogs. When the judges had inspected all of the competing dogs, they remarked about the Pun's dog: "He's not so shaggy.". He was later hung drawn and quoted.
- Transpositional Puns words spoke louder than their actions. Many developed drinking problems encountering the wrath of grapes when they discovered that their waist was a terrible thing to mind. Obviously, everyone had no idea what they were talking about.
edit Local Reaction
edit Sexual Innuendo
Upon the arrival of the Puns a salty taste quickly came over the face of pearl-necklace- wearing Mrs. Slocombe. She commented that at first a few came dribbling across the border in small spurts, but before long they were building huge erections which lead to them bursting all over the place.
edit The balls come thick and fast
A number of well-attended social gatherings took place to celebrate the coming of the Puns, with most of those holding balls quickly finding them full enough to spill out onto the front garden. On occasion, a number of ejections would be required to fully empty the balls of stragglers at the end, but most hosts found that with practice they could eventually pull it off alone. Since Friday and Saturday nights were the only times the Puns had free, the balls were often held very close together and regularly clashed, leaving many Puns in an uncomfortable position each weekend. Wherever possible, the balls were juggled around to make it easier for people to come, but if still expected at two parties at the same time, most Puns just tried to squeeze both balls in as best they could. The location of the balls was often secretly and quietly adjusted from minute to minute throughout the day in an attempt to keep spooneristic gatecrasher Betty Swallocks at bay, but this tactic was rarely, if ever, successful. Swallocks personified all the worst aspects of Punkind, and came to be seen as representative of all the sticking points between the natives and the new-comers. Rebellion against Swallocks and the Puns began in 'Er-nest after nearly all the Puns had already come across the border.
edit Oh, come on, you've surely covered all the bases with your load of gags on semen by now, huh?
I'm not swallowing that for a minute. I was only choking after all! I won't do it again, now I know it upsets you. You'll see, man.
edit The Puns keep coming
A small wall had been planned to protect the
pubic public mound at the entrance to Punaniland, but the blue-prints had to change when Brazilian supporters began to wax lyrical about the size of the wall, tearing a strip off its architect, Phil Mianus. "The Puns would be up it like rats up a drainpipe", commented rock-hard Brazilian spokesman Hugh G. Rection. "The wall was only ever intended to keep our men out of the shithole next door but years of neglect mean the mounds now as overgrown and unkempt as Terry Waite's allotment. We've got to clear it, leaving just a little strip in the middle, then we're going to build the wall ourselves; it's going to be huge and therefore it'll take a while for us to get it up. The building work's going to take years."
This work would carry on despite a number of wide-spread public pro-tests against the wall.
Government efforts to infiltrate the punani Pun Army via the back door failed spectacularly. Later efforts to force all members of the Puns to withdraw before they had even come garnered support from Catholics, who agreed they would like to: "Shoot the load (of them) up a well-used back passage in an attempt to stop the Puns going all the way.
edit Random and Slapstick
John Cleese and Vic Reeves violently exploded into the Pun debate with opposing views. Mr Reeves was arrested for conspiring to cause an explosion in John's trousers but eventually the charges were dropped. Without further ado Mr Cleese slapped Vic on the end of his stick with a large python and pulled out a copy of Life of Brian cleaving off the entire left side of Vic's body. He was all right afterwards until looking up he wondered why the albatross was getting bigger. Then it hit him. Mr Cleese was subsequently injured after falling into an upholstery machine, but was later fully recovered.
edit Holocaust Humour
Considered the Puns to be "inappropriate at this time". Although most thought the situation was grave, some thought that it was a dying issue that would only be a gas to those who were either not concentrating or were a bit camp. You have to get up early to understand the views of Holocaust Humour, and it helps if you are not a mourning person. The author also apologizes for this section in general, and agrees that it's not dead funny.
edit Improvisational Comedy
Assumed that most of the fuss was made up. The guys at sexual innuendo were obviously being anal, whereas the chaps at Holocaust humour were just trying to kill the joke. A panel was formed from contestants of the show Whose Line Is It Anyway?, but it was abandoned when everyone realised that they were too high on cocaine to care.
Satire had no idea what this article was about. Jack Dee and Jimmy Carr mounted a sit down protest to display their lack of amusement, but Alanis Morissette was left in creases after being unable to continue the ironing. Many a modest proposal was put forward to resolve the situation.
edit Local Golfers
Wondered what they were doing in this section, but still took a coarse approach to the Puns. They drove their views forward giving them a huge slice of the action leaving them in very a rough position. It's clear that they had a fairway to go and that ironing things out will be difficult considering all the bad lies. Despite chipping in, they were unable to find a hole in one of the Puns opinions.
edit Racist & Blue Humour
edit Oscar Knows Best
When police used mustard gas and pepper spray in an attempt to quell the unrest seasoned Uncyclopedia spokesperson Oscar Wilde made the following statement:
|This play on wars must end. No Pun in ten did a really bad thing and in time we will all find that the they have groan on us. Without them everything would just not be as punny... Oh, sorry about that one.|