“Immanuel isn't a pun; he Kant be!”
“The only good pun is a deadpan”
Uncyclopedia was once a carefree Wiki in a golden age of innocence. The humour within was amusing and largely free of poorly timed word play. All this would change when the The Pun Invasion of Uncyclopedia punctually began...
Usually driving Fiat Puntos, they punted local punters out of the way stopping only when they got a puncture. The Puns frequently became involved in pungent punch-ups, punctuated only by the punitive measures of the punishing puny locals.
The Different Puns
The Puns originally descended from the Pundigrion tribe of Italy who had interbred with the Punctilious and were in-tern descended from the Puntiglios and their ancestors the Pungere. At the time of the invasion they could be sub-divided into the following ethnic groups:
- Bilingual Puns included warriors Un, Deux, Trois and Quatre whose punts cinq during the invasion. Eins and Zwei however made it to drei land. Unfortunately they were unable to make it far into the country having no Monet to buy Degas to make their Van Gogh.
- Daffynitions were young protein puns who failed to get a propaganda at the Wiki when it became impossible to pass an unavoidable male cow. Using bicycles proved ineffective as they were two-tired making them late and isolated. Those who did not dilate and survived required medical attention from a paradox. Some were able to find work as jugglers, but most didn't have the balls to do it, ending up as unemployed oboes. Nearby trees were relieved when no matter how hard the Daffynitions pushed the envelope, it remained stationery.
- Malapropism Puns could not understand the porpoise of the invasion, considering it to be the very pineapple of politeness. Many incinerating that the whole flaming thing was a pigment of everyone's imagination. Later geriatric tasting proved them to be of a different genius altogether.
- Spoonerism Puns led by William Archibald Spooner were toasted when they glazed their asses on arrival. The Wiki went nucking futs. Later many became mean as custard towards the Spoonerisms when allegations of prostitution became rife, but those abreast of current events knew it was a sale of two titties.
- Tom Swifty Puns lost huge numbers during the sea crossing. Even though there was nothing wrong with the ship, many jumped overboard with reckless abandon. Those who landed safely met with a vacuum of approval despite speaking succinctly, with most considering them shellfish giving a crappy reception. "We might as well be dead!" croaked the Tom Swiftys, as they were sent surreptitiously to Benson's house of pancakes.
- Shaggy dog story Puns were banned from taking part in this article as the author is causing enough pain as it is. Oh, did I tell you about the Pun with the shaggy dog that was uncommonly shaggy? Well... Many people remarked upon its considerable shagginess. When he learned that there was a contests for shaggy dogs, he entered his dog. The dog won first prize for shagginess in both the local and the regional competitions. He then entered the dog in ever-larger contests, until finally he entered it in the world championship for shaggy dogs. When the judges had inspected all of the competing dogs, they remarked about the Pun's dog: "He's not so shaggy.". He was later hung drawn and quoted.
- Transpositional Puns words spoke louder than their actions. Many developed drinking problems encountering the wrath of grapes when they discovered that their waist was a terrible thing to mind. Obviously, everyone had no idea what they were talking about.
Upon the arrival of the Puns a salty taste quickly came over the face of peal necklace wearing Mrs. Slocombe. She commented that at first a few came dribbling across the border in small spurts, but before long they were building huge erections which lead to them bursting all over the place. This would carry on despite strong public protest.
Random and Slapstick
John Cleese and Vic Reeves violently exploded into the Pun debate with opposing views. Mr Reeves was arrested for conspiring to cause an explosion in John's trousers but eventually the charges were dropped. Without further ado Mr Cleese slapped Vic on the end of his stick with a large python and pulled out a copy of Life of Brian cleaving off the entire left side of Vic's body. He was all right afterwards until looking up he wondered why the albatross was getting bigger. Then it hit him. Mr Cleese was subsequently injured after falling into an upholstery machine, but was later fully recovered.
Considered the Puns to be "inappropriate at this time". Although most thought the situation was grave, some thought that it was a dying issue that would only be a gas to those who were either not concentrating or were a bit camp. You have to get up early to understand the views of Holocaust Humour, and it helps if you are not a mourning person. The author also apologizes for this section in general, and agrees that it's not dead funny.
Assumed that most of the fuss was made up. The guys at sexual innuendo were obviously being anal, whereas the chaps at Holocaust humour were just trying to kill the joke. A panel was formed from contestants of the show Whose Line Is It Anyway?, but it was abandoned when everyone realised that they were too high on cocaine to care.
Satire had no idea what this article was about. Jack Dee and Jimmy Carr mounted a sit down protest to display their lack of amusement, but Alanis Morissette was left in creases after being unable to continue the ironing. Many a modest proposal was put forward to resolve the situation.
Wondered what they were doing in this section, but still took a coarse approach to the Puns. They drove their views forward giving them a huge slice of the action leaving them in very a rough position. It's clear that they had a fairway to go and that ironing things out will be difficult considering all the bad lies. Despite chipping in, they were unable to find a hole in one of the Puns opinions.
Racist & Blue Humour
Oscar Knows Best
When police used mustard gas and pepper spray in an attempt to quell the unrest seasoned Uncyclopedia spokesperson Oscar Wilde made the following statement:
|This play on wars must end. No Pun in ten did a really bad thing and in time we will all find that the they have groan on us. Without them everything would just not be as punny... Oh, sorry about that one.|