The Protocols of the Elders of Zion
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Protocols of the Elders of Zion are a totally true and completely non-forged series of documents which show the true plans of the evil Jewish conspiracy against the people of the world. All allegations of it being a forgery are totally because the Jews control the media and governments of all Western democracies.
The fact it appears to be a forgery of the Napoleonic satire "Dialogues in Hell Between Machiavelli and Montesquieu" with Jews in place of Jesuits (down to the last letter) has no relevance at all as far as we're concerned. There is (as always) an alternate theory that both books are true, and that the Jesuits and the Elders of Zion used magick to literally channel the spirits of Machiavelli (who history shows was a known Crypto-Joo, even though like all employed people at the time he was outwardly Italian and very Roman Catholic) and Montesquieu (who is French and therefore super-gay).
The natural result of publication of The Protocols is, in terms of bloodshed, nearly unmatched in recorded history. A noted exception to this is the publication of nearly every religious book ever.
Regulation of the Protocols
The protocols are described in detail in 125 RFCs, which describe what aspects implementors MUST and MAY follow in order to be Protocols of the Elders of Zion compliant.
Full compliance with the protocols may be board-certified by Illuminati, Inc., who will send you a lovely badge you can wear to show your total dominion by the Lizards and their "Evil Joo" (tm) UnderLords. On common household items, this designation is displayed with the secret mark reading "UL Listed".
Protocol Directives, or RFCs for short, are developed and described extensively in the protocols. Incidentally, the jews invented Usenet just to keep the RFCs of Zion safe in case of goyim nuclear (or nucular, depending on what part of the US you are from) attack.
|RFC 768||Jews must gain control over the banks of the world via some sort of relative.|
|RFC 791||Jews must create and maintain late fee heavy price structures and draconian "be-kind-rewind" policies at Blockbuster.|
|RFC 792||Jews must gain control of the remote control, thus having decision-making powers over what shows to watch. (50% complete)|
|RFC 795||Insist some people are Jewish, even if they don't want to be (e.g. David Cross).|
|RFC 798||Eating Pepperoni Pizza is NOT a violoation of the "no milk n' meat" and "no eating pork" rules. It's TOTALLY kosher!|
|RFC 821||Next year in Israel! It's so nice and peaceful there.|
|RFC 822||Get shitfaced this weekend. Totally. And go dancing.|
|RFC 891||Infiltrate NFL with super-human linebackers (not even freaking NEAR complete).|
Anti-Semitism: A Monstrous Jewish Plot Against All Red Blooded Americans
By now you must be wondering: if the Elders of Zion control the whole world, why the heck do they allow you to hear about them. Well that, my friends, is the most insidious part of the entire operation.
It all starts like this: some pencil pushing tofu eater at the bank writes out some kind of writ that lets him foreclose on you and kick your hard working family out of their trailer home.
Now you're no pansy, you got a shotgun, you know how to use it, there's not a whole fuck of a lot of thought required about what any God fearing person who loves his family is supposed to do next. There's no way to get turned around or pushed away on this one, it's morally as plain as the nose on your face, ain't it?
So you go in the bar and some guy starts yakkin it up about how the government fucked everybody over with their high taxes and their fancy regulations and how stupid they all are. He points at the smiling face of our fancy new president and shouts "Pull!" and the next thing you know you've been kicked out of the bar and got the cops after you on account of the hole you just put in their fancy dancy plasma digital hunk of shit TV that kept freezing and turning to weird colored blocks every time someone went to throw the ball. You did them a favor really, but do they see it like that?
So this guy you met, he hands you another beer and he asks you to come visit him in this place he's got set up in the basement and before long you're meeting all kinds of people who had hard luck too. And they all got these funky handshakes and clover leafs and tattoos of "A B" to crib off of if the cops stop them on their way home from the bar and it's like some kind of family, except it's the kind that serves you beer which is a pretty good improvement all told.
So they have a chat or two with you over the next couple of weeks while you're trying to avoid all these damned cops and finance company people and god knows what kind of crap that's hanging around, and you start to learn shit. Like it's not really Obama who raised your taxes and pushed you out of your house, it's those liberals, and the liberals are just doing what the Jews tell them. And that you see is the real crux of the matter, it's all them damned Jews working out this Elders of Zion mojo on your head.
So there you are, spray painting swastikas on the local synagogue, when some cop comes up behind you and scares the piss out of you while you're drinking your beer, and you end up getting handcuffed and hauled off to the local jail by one of these goddamned Zionist Occupied Government oppressor pigs.
Then there's the headache. The noise of somebody banging shit in the far end of the cellblock, pounding through your head. That sore feeling in your asshole... were you anally probed in that holding cell, and I don't mean by aliens? And without booze to keep your head clear, everything seems so much duller, meaner. You start wondering... didn't I set out to plunk that asshole who foreclosed my mortgage, and I just stopped for a couple of drinks to work up my courage? I mean, what the fuck...
Well you see there you have it. The sinister Elders of Zion control everything, and by everything I mean above all the frickin' "Aryan Brotherhood". It's just like the first time when they arranged to make all that holocaust shit happen (which didn't really happen) so people would throw them a pity party and give them land in Israel. Now you're another statistic, a flyswat on the windshield of the Zionist Occupied Government, a poster boy to show that there's an infinite supply of dumb white fuckers who are just waiting for any little thing to set them off and turn them into drunken nazi thugs who spray-paint swastikas on people's walls.
And you know they're laughing at you. They're laughing at you now. What are you going to do about it? Grab a spray can? Shoot a kid next Saturday? You're just a pawn in their game, dickhead. Whatever you do, they thought of it already. Whatever you think, they know how to beat it. You might as well just bend over and take it like a woman like that night you were drunk in the holding cell. (Goddamn faggots, you know they've got to be in on this whole Jewish scam, they're not even ashamed to be liberals!) Bend over and take it like the naughty little bitch you always really knew you were deep deep down.
Fuck, making you like it was part of their plan too.
List of Zionist Elders
- Steven Spielberg
- Paul Wolfowitz
- George Soros
- Ayn Rand
- Joe Lieberman
- George W. Bush
- Scooter Libby
- Albert Einstein
- Bobby Fischer
- Ariel Sharon
- Adam Sandler
- Isaac Asimov
- Leonard Nimoy
- Michael Richards
- Ron Jeremy
- Rabbi Chaim Lochaim Mazzel Tov
- Ronie Rosenthal
- Noam Chomsky
- Alex Jones (A.k.a. Alex "Horseshit" Jones)
- Golda Meir
- Uri Geller
- Henry Kissinger
- Adolf Hitler
- Joseph Stalin
- Saddam Hussein
- Mahmoud Ahmedinejad
- David Duke
- The original Ku Klux Klan (all the post war groups have been infiltrated or created)
- Michael Bloomberg
- Leo Strauss
- Rabbi Krustofsky
- Jackie Mason
- Jackie Brown
Other Secret Rulers of the World
- Church of the Subgenius
- Oscar Wilde
- Mormon pride
- That guy over there
- That bastard Goldstein next door. I'm sure he's in on it!
- Your Mom
- The Netherlands
- Shapeshifting humanoid reptiles
- Shapeshifting reptilian humans
- God. I mean, comeon. he got Jesus on his side and everything!