The Prophecy

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The Prophecy is, at heart, a story about Pimps and how they keep their bitches in line.

The Prophecy goes all the way back to the years BC, to the great Hebrew Prophet Amit. When one of his pupils asked him what the meaning God’s Law, Amit replied with this now famous phrase:

"Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Matter Master”
“What’s the matter master?”
“Shut up, slave”

The world would never be the same.

Fast foreword to the year 1999, AD. Steve’s mom (Also a Jew, noticing a pattern here?) was driving Migz around town. When Migz got out of the car, he felt lucky to be around. Let that be a lesson to us all: Never drive with Steve’s mom, she can’t drive. At this point, Lambeezy was chillin’ at some Summer Camp in Oakhurst with his boy Tom and some random Mexican kid named John and like Devin Wicks and shit. The world sucks. But something happened that would change everything. In the year 2004 or 2005 or some shit, our two heroes, Lambeezy and Migz would meet and the world would, once again, never be the same.

One day some random moon cricket drove up to them and this one kid was like “YO JAMARR!” and he rolled up on his big ass rims and was like “WHAT YOU GOT IN YO POCKETS?” He was buggin face. Then he went in the drive through to get some friend chicken because those guys love their fried chicken. I bet he got some grape soda too. You know what grandma used to say: “Two niggers and two quarters don’t add up to a dollar”.

Then Lambeezy walked up to the drive through window and he decided he was more gangsta then Jamar so he spit some lyrical heat waves that went something like this:

I need a double cheese burger and hold the lettuce
Don’t be frontin’ son no seeds on the bun
I be up in this drive through order for two
I got a cravin for a number nine like my shoe
I need some chicken up in here, in this hizzle.
Fo shizzle my nizzle extra salt on the firzzle
Doctor Pepper my brotha, anotha fo yo motha
Double double super size and don’t forget the fries.

But then he realized he wasn’t black so he and Migz went to a KKK meeting and burned a cross on some Romanian’s lawn. “GO BACK TO UUURR CUNTRY, WE CANT UNDERSAND YOUUUUU.”.

So the Summer was awesome and mad bitches got slapped up with big dicks, but then the school year came and shit got even better. For the first time they met Wu, who was actually Confucius’s great great great great great great great great great grand-pimp, and they realized that he was the Prophecy that Amit was talking about. He just stood at his locker, doing nothing at all, but they knew the truth. He was actually planning on how to take over the world. He would often talk about how much “Heyjing” (Chinese for “Black People” smelled, making him perhaps the greatest non-white white supremist since the Black White Supremecist.

But to every yin there is a yang. To Wu this yang was Matt Sparrock, the Man Himself. He walked around the hallway, reading like two Goosebumps books to himself, and if anyone did anything about it he’d slap the fucking cookie out of their hands. Devin learned this lesson first hand. However, he didn’t realize his power so Lambeezy, Migz, and Kappy had to slap some sense into him.

While all of this was happening, a new pimp was rising in power. His name was Special K, and he was weird as hell. He would stand on his tippy-toes when he got excited and he would call out people in class because it made him feel better inside because kids like them used to pick on him in High School. He was dead inside. However, he was gang-bagin’ as fuck and if you stepped he’d lay a lyrical big-mac on your ass, and there wasn’t shit you could do about it.

Lambeezy and Migz realized there wasn’t shit they could do about it if all three of these pimps decided to gang up on them and steal their bitches, so they called all of their friends in the KKK and the THM together and had a big meeting. The meeting raged for days and at the end they came up with a brilliant idea: kill everyone who isn’t white. Lambeezy and Migz were excited about this idea, but they realized it wouldn’t solve their problem, so with heavy hearts they set out to find another solution.

In desperation, they consulted the Mad Philosopher, Senior Lev-Lev. Levgah revealed to them, after days of meaningless talk about “Mike Jones” and having “Mad haters and homies, some friends and some phonies”, the only one with enough power to allow Migz and Lambeezy to defeat the Three Pimps: Teri Schiavo. Luckily for our two heroes, they knew where the switch to Teri Schivo’s life support was, so they followed the wire that lead from it to her place of rest: The Crack House

After eating Teri Schiavo’s heart and drinking of a potion made from her liver brewed in her blood with Orengina added for flavor, Migz and Lambeezy finally had the power they needed: they each had each become a fully-fledged pimp, and thus each had the power of one of the other three pimps. However, if all of the pimps teamed up, they would be able to defeat two newcomers.

Luckily, the Three Pimps didn’t get along. Matt Sparrock and Special K had teamed up against Wu, but Wu had teamed up with all of the Asian kids (Even Sang!) and thus had power equal to the other two pimps. So it was basically three teams of equal power: Matt Sparrock and Special K, Wu and the Asians, and Lambeezy and Migz, fighting it out in a crazy free-for-all that would shake the very foundations of not only society but the Earth itself.

The actual battle itself happed at Seaboard Gas. The three teams battled endlessly for like three hours or something, and destroyed most of Seaboard in the process (All of the tanks were destroyed, and all of the people who saw this wondered how they were removed so quickly with no one noticing). The battle was going good for Wu and his Asian Invasion, however Lambeezy and Migz got a new ally in the middle of the battle: Paul K. Paul K was beasting it because he was almost a pimp himself, however Special K told Paul something he’d never expected: “Paul, I am your father. We both have K names no one can pronounce”.

Paul K switched sides and it looked like the two Ks and Sparrock had it for a while, but another unexpected change happened: the most powerful non-pimp in the world, Senior Lev-Lev, joined Lambeezy and Mig’s side. And just when it looked like thhe Asians were out of the running, Stanton Gah desided to help them out because they were the only ones in the battle who could speak more then one language.

Stanton soon left however, as she didn’t want to fight against Migz because Migz was her boy strait up. Sloane, one of Lambeezy and Migz’s bitches, got off her leash in the middle of the battle and Paul got to tap that for only 25 cents. After that he got tired and left. Then school ended, and Mr Levinson had to leave because he always smokes his weed after school. Now the battle was back to the original teams.

After all of that, however, one team emerged from the carnage intact and victorious: our heroes Migz and Lambeezy. Now that they had won, they were the last TRUE pimps left in the world. Because of this, they got all of the bitches to themselves (Although they shared them with their boys like M-Flow, the Romanian, and Paul K(even though he betrayed them, they forgave him because he skeeted on Sloane like a pro.)).Even to this day, when people want to get something done, they know who to call. Pimpin’ aint easy, but someone’s got to do it.

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