The Powers That Be
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“This article has been marked for deletion.”
“Klingons don't rip off people's limbs, that’s Wookies from Star Wars.”
“Ima firin' ma laser!”
“Its funny because it's true”
“God dammit stop making more people admins!”
This is an article on The Powers That Be also known as the Admins and will most likely be huffed, I hope not seeing as I don't really mean any offence but this page must be created. Hey look I linked to my own article, score! More to the point, this isn't actually a flame at the admins; they're actually quite nice when they finally venture into the outside world when it is safe to do so.
Mainly the quiet times when no one is on the site. Shhh that was a secret.
“A bit condescending. But he works better than Windows”
Algorithm like the name suggests is not a person at all, but a supercomputer following a series of alphanumerical patterns and sequences. The most common sequence is the Huff v2.3 (beta patch), however it's rumoured that Algorithm uses a hack to huff out of sequence, even multiple articles at once. This computer is to be feared, however easily spotted by a sequence of binary (the sequence of 1's and 0's you're too stupid to understand) appearing on your talk page.
Born in the year 1974 as a lvl 1 Mastersystem, Algorithm grew quickly using his Super fucking awesome shit hot artificial intelligent brain, to become a lvl 20 Acorn Desktop in 1997. His success was however, quickly smashed down by a lvl 45 Microsoft Windows 3.1 Desktop PC in 1998, this was a heart breaking defeat, but one that would not bring algorithm down. The two became massive rivals, Microsoft continued to grow, but with more and more power came more and more glitches. Algorithm went on a quest for the secret of Mac. On his quest many years later he came across an old master "Linux" whom taught him the ancient secrets of Apple, which in turn lead him to Mac. With the new patches installed APPLE MAC faced his rival once more, Microsoft Windows XP PC. The battle raged for days, dwarfing the pirate/ninja war. In the end Microsoft was hit with a sonic IPOD blast and was left in a blue screen vegetative state.
After his victory scientists in 2007 suped up Algorithm into the universes most powerful something or other, what was I calling algorithm again? Oh right a supercomputer, thats it...
In 2008, Algorithm fought in the front line of the Wikiwar, and is still fighting to this day.
“It's life Jim, but not as we know It. hyeh hyeh hyeh.”
“As an outsider, what do you think of the Human Race?”Bradaphraser, life, but not as we know it. Is an avid Star Trek fan, watching every episode at least 1337 times.
Born in Staffordshire 1967, Brad was the son of a butcher, brother of a baker and nephew of the infamous candlestick killer. At the age of 3 Brad watched his first ever episode of Star Trek and here began his ambition to join the federation fleet under captain Kirk. When he graduated from high school with 8 O levels and an NVQ in whatdoesitmatterNVQsarethemostuselessqualificationintheworld, he joined Star Fleet academy. Here he was bullied for 2 days until he made friends with a Klingon whom tore off the limbs of all the bullies. Studying extremely hard he finally managed to graduate from the academy after only
14 2 attempts, unfortunately Captain Kirk had been killed somehow, the details of this are unclear, mainly because I don't watch Star Trek.
Grudgingly Brad joined as petty officer Brad on board the Starship Enterprise, under the command of the greatest Yorkshire man ever, Jean Luc Picard. To this day Brad has an illustrious career onboard Enterprise, when he's not adminning Uncyclopedia.
Brywnsyweegglwynfarellywoodywencwffingdor Braydie Cwyffenfanny of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Wales Born whenever is his usual docile response, is the laziest of all the admins. His contributions have all been deleted "Due to author’s request" and everything he ever edited was immediately reverted back to its originally unmolested state, in fact Codeine's job is solely to revert and remove anything Braydie does!
As you can see from his userpage of "sry, someone destroy this plz", his only claim to fame in the entirety of the uncyclopedian world (around 43 people). His first article went a little something like this.
I've got a dog, we play fetch and I let him smoke and... Fuck it, someone delete this I can't be bothered, I'm off to get stoned.
Every following article would somewhere contain the words "sry, someone destroy this plz." and so he was made an admin due to his originality.
|I am the law, you cannot beat the law|
ChiefjusticeDS is one of Uncyclopedia's most hated sysops. It would be too easy to try and patch over the cracks of his massive incompetence, as he spends half the day banning random people under the allegation that this is some kind of dystopian 2000 AD nightmare type of community.
Although clearly a headcase in this regard he has managed to impose his extremist moral code on everyone else including himself as he often whips himself if he does something he feels the Law would not approve of.
In his spare time he reads comics and annoys people with snappy one liners like "You Have Been Judged" - The reason for this is that he thinks he’s cool when he does this, he is correct; he is 'cool', as he's far from hot on talent. Other than that it appears the Chief is completely devoid of personality, this is because of the Spartan lifestyle he indulges in the 48 hour days he spends patrolling Uncyclopedia for "crime" or any kind of individuality.
Codeine, Got any change? An ex-ex alcoholic battling physically with an addiction to alcohol, stemmed from his early teens.
Born in Gateshead 1988, Codey (as he is known to his friends, family and complete strangers) had a very happy childhood up until the age of 7. He lived with both families, an only child lavished with love and attention. Until Michael Jackson moved in next door. Being a friendly family, they welcomed the new neighbor to the neighborhood. He became a family friend, mainly to make them look good and it was all the rage at the time to have some freak following you around. Everybody was doing it, Frankenstein with Igor, Sirius Black with that little gnome like thing. So the family thought, "hey, why the fuck not".
One day, a year later I've decided, Young 8 year old Codey walked in on Michael Jackson molesting a monkey called "Bubbles". This scarred little Codey for life, and by the age of 10, Codey was a professional alcohol abuser. This downward spiral continued well into adulthood, where at the age of 18, Codey joined a professional alcohol boxing league.
In his career he battled many opponents, such as Jeffrey O'Guinness, Chad Budweiser and the current world beer battling champion, Steve "Fosters" Irwin. To this day Codey is battling his was along the ranks of alcohol addiction.
edit Dr. Skullthumper
lol, brb, going out for some smokes.
“Just 5 seconds with him makes me glad I'm dead”
“Theres... Just... No... Escape!”
“Give us yer' fuckin' money”
Flammable was born in Alaska 1955, Flammable a.k.a Derek "Bookworm" Heckmondwike, spent his childhood years in the family library reading everything cover to cover at least twice, just to double check nothing was missed. Throughout his teen years he discovered Google and Uncyclopedia gaining even more useless and boring facts. During his late teens he discovered a joke site of Uncyclopedia called Wikipedia; however he was immediately banned when he posted a long winded dull article on the sub-atomic structure of an electron and 40% of the sites users hung themselves as the article were only available in Bridgend until the admins destroyed article after frivolous battle of words.
Once he reached the end of puberty and entered adulthood at the age of 32 he had developed a strange power, if anyone caught his gaze, his dullness would ensnare the souls of the victim would not be able to avert their gaze while all their happiness and joy slowly drained away leaving an emotionless shell of a person.
This all a farce and he is actually a secret agent and serial womanizer with a taste for Martinis and fast cars.
“Oh, what is this? Another article that claims to be amusing. I have seen it all, all the world, and this article... How very droll... Fancy a blowjob?”
Hindleyite is a rare element that was discovered by the third Archon of the old kingdom, some 1,500 years ago. The element is igneous and is thought to be a combination of drugs, booze and masturbation formed together in immense heat and pressure, kind of like if your mum sat on you hur hur hur. Bringing up the level of humour slightly, the Hindleyite was manufactured into nine demon doors scattered around Albion due to one of its most well known properties, the fact they are sentient. This certain Demon Door will only let you in if you allow it to orally pleasure you first. After allowing him to perform this lewd act on you, he will let you inside to behold his hidden treasures with all your senses until everything goes white and you wake up with your kidneys missing.
“I want you to spray your spawn all over her face”
“Here we have, two insects, shagging away... Phwoar!”
Manticore of Bratislava, 44 years old is a hardcore porn director of insect porn. Some of his greatest hitsinclude; Insecticide starring Jimmeny "Sexoskeleton" Cricket, Playing Mantis III and finally Bug Bukkake Starring the sexy Insy Winsy Spider.
His work has been met with mixed criticism. Many butterfly collectors have condemned this industry as demeaning to insects, "it depicts insects as just mindless pieces of meat" said one outraged moth fanatic. We managed to speak to an avid butterfly collector and star trek fan Bradaphraser "its wrong, just... just so wrong" is all he had to say on the matter.
The spokesperson of the Bug Porn fanclub had this to say in defense of the adult insect industry. "Its just flies and shit having sex, I mean, don't you remember when you were kids and you saw two greenfly doing it on your desk and everything crowded around to see? It's just like that; this one time at band camp I saw 3 ants really going at it, damn that was hot".
“We're off to find the Grail the wonderful Holy Grail”
“He's trying to find a cup”
“Eh eh, calm down like”
Mhaille of Liverpool, England has been on an epic crusade for the last 2 months to find the Holy Grail. Growing up he always wanted to be a crusader until his 32nd birthday when he decided to leave his parents and go on a quest to find the Holy Grail.
44 years old with only an imitation sword and a fancy dress costume, Mhaille set off to his first location to begin his search. Upon arriving at Slough train station he began asking the "inhabitants" about his quest, which upon hearing the response "fuck off you weirdo" decided this was a code for "The Item you seek rests upon a hill in Grimsby"
Taking a train to Grimsby, Mhaille searched far and wide, looking for a hill upon which would rest his prize. After days of searching his long quest would finally be at an end? He found the hill and yet no Holy Grail was there, he asked around and found out the Holy Grail was located in Jerusalem.
MrN9000 is one of the newer (but by no means younger) sysops, and does something around here, though no one is quite sure what. He lives in England and moonlights as a strip-O-gram.
His ambition in life is to find the best pair of pants money can buy, however he's worried that drug addictions and the need to build more malicious spam bots will take him away from his quarry. His obsession with pants is unclear, what is clear is that it is impossible to avoid the topic if he is around - there’s no point trying to change the topic; it is now your fate to hear about his pants. I feel for you.
His chief party trick is shoving a melon in his foreskin. After doing this in front of some Nuns, he has become slightly unpopular with his friends, the Police and the Catholic Church. Obviously he likes to bring this up whenever possible.
“Canada, that explains why he's like that, or cabin fever, obviously”
“Quit checkin' out my junk ho, coz Mo goes down on no man!”
Modusoperandi is one of the most 'successful' Uncyclopedians. Along with starting childish memes he also contributes to forums and even writes the odd article.
Mo has no job, as most employers would not go near him due to severe mental disturbances. His hobbies include finding wacky stuff on the internet, one liners and general sarcasm. To get by Mo does card counting and part time work as an escort.
All of Modusoperandi's jokes come from Douglas Coupland, whose novels are posted free to Mo by the Canadian government as part of a literacy intiative. This explains why Mo is Uncyclpedia's number one source of Postmodern Generation X witticisms and observations. God help us all.
“Hey hey! I've been sitting around quietly waiting for my turn and you skip??? You're in trouble now!”
“Here comes newbie. Er girls name...Susan no. Sarah No. Betsy...betsy ah thats a new one!”
“Ah Betsy, how are you?”
“Er Fine, you called me Betsy 6 months ago though!”
“Like I care!”
Mordillo is a whiney, pale, neurotic, female doctor that works at Sacred Heart hospital. He's 26 years old and an "absolute disgrace to medicine" as colorfully put by his colleague and "mentor" Dr Privalci "Perry" Cox.
Mordillo enjoyed a very productive youth studying at some kind of Zionist controlled establishment. At the age of 16 he vowed to become an actor on a par with David Hasslehoff, however the acting schools found him a little too theatrical and he is now making his name with actors such as Ben Affleck and Chuck Norris.
He also works as chef, and apparently the doorman likes the stuff he makes, of course, Mordillo is often too busy watching House to bother with the punters at 'The Swan' (who to be fair are all from the wrong end of town and will literally eat anything).
Special Move: The Bum Tickeler.
|It's just a saga now|
RabbiTechno is one of Uncyclopedia's newer ops; however being part of the Zionist conspiracy has ensured that he’s always been destined for power. He was groomed by Uncyclopedia's elite Cabal to one day wield the ban stick and muck up the site with his incompetence.
On the rare occasions he's not banning people he adds peculiar jokes with pictures of cats to his userpage, and writing the odd UnNews. When not being the bane of the users and everyone’s life, he's a travelling gypsy performer where he can perform amazing medium like activities. He is also known for breaking into peoples homes masquerading as a Jewish performer in dire need of the toilet. He uses this con to steal women.
Rabbi claims to speak Hebrew but it is in fact a gibberish collection of neologisms that Rabbi himself believes is a language, alongside these personality 'quirks', Rabbi is a fully paid up member of the 'Vegan Sociopath Society', where he has excelled in finding some kindred spirits and applying his true talents on the world.
Wales is another concern for the Rabbi in his "Creative Writings" as it’s where he claims to live, work and perform his pikey shenanigans. Alongside this he sometimes writes about his origins, or his percieved glory days of the lates eighties and the Hasid House he was able to hear at the time (Rabbi's eardrums are useless after working as a Thai style prostitute between 1999 and 2001).
Will we ever be set free from this deranged sysop?
“He's the inspiration behind this article so blame him”
“Wooooaaaah my hands are huge”
“lol look at the big penis just walking down the street like it's a person or something.”
edit Roman Dog Bird
“Man, this guy swears a lot.”
The most dullest, most homophobic, racist, unimaginative, uncompromising, dim-witted, misogynist, pompous, aggressive low-life ever to walk the earth and yes that includes Kanye West. Is blatantly a closeted homosexual with serious mental imbalance and issues of masculinity and I'm not even his psychiatrist. Come to think of it, I thought I saw his name on a loaf of bread this morning until I realised that it actually said "Thick cut".
edit Under user
Under User is uncyc's resident cunning linguist and can do all sort with the language. He lives in a manhole and is married. He strongly denies his wife is in fact Spang. He enjoys all the finer pastimes of an English Gent such as Pimms and making erudite quips about the 'Scots' and the 'fuzzys'.
Initially UU trained up ninja turtles but shortly after the 1980s cartoon UU perused a life of crime from his sewer dwellings. Apparently UU's man hole has a Pizza delivery response time quicker than anywhere else in the UK. UU likes the deep fried variety of Pizza and for obvious reasons prefers not to be photographed without a very "well tailored" suit to hide the love handles.
UU is currently working on a highly original film script, about a young man leaving his home world to become a mysterious Jedi Knight. We can only wish him the best of luck with that.
edit Zim ulator
“The 'Rupert Murdoch' of Uncyclopedia”
“Oh, I'm flattered, but I don't make nearly as much money as Zim ulator”
“The evil monkey in everybodys' closet”
“Remember that time he ate ice cream in front of us? Yeah it looked like semen weeping out of a dead vagina”