The Picture of Dorian Gray
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“Oscar is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter him
every six months.”
~ Uncyclopedia on Oscar Wilde
“Dorian what? Sir, that was as unexpected to me as the Spanish Inquisition, good job.”
~ Oscar Wilde on a joke by a random editor involving Dorian's sexual preferences
The Picture of Dorian Gay (not to be confused with "The Picture of Dir en grey", "The Pitcher of Dorian Gray", "The Mugshot of Dorian Gray" or "The Cumshot of Dorian Gray") was written by Oscar Wilde in 9065 A.C.. It is about a young lad that has a friend with piles, Basil Hallward. During a roasting session, Dorian meets Henry Wotton, a pimp that gets immediately impressed on Dorian's sight; Henry pulls out a courgette and begins a sweet talk to Dorian, to a point that makes him become an accountant. Basil, feeling a little icky after trying for years to impress Dorian, kicks them both up the arse and finishes the picture alone. Henry takes Dorian to another room and begins teaching him how to play the flute. After they finish, Henry tells Dorian that Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - Iraqi special edit, is his most valuable possession and that Snape kills Dumbledore. Then they are called by Basil to see the picture just finished. Dorian, thinking of Henry's willy, gets so sad he wishes the picture would get old instead of him, (cuckoo!) Basil tells Dorian he can pick up the picture tomorrow.
Next morning he looks at the mirror and, surprisingly, his makeup is perfect. "WTF?", he thinks, and then goes to pick up the picture that shows, you guessed, Dorian with pasty skin, run up makeup and red nose. "So my wish has been granted, the picture! I gotta hide it quick!!!!". Too late, since Basil has already seen the pic. "Shite! What happened?" "I dunno, lol,", says Dorian smiling innocently stroking a piece of wet celery. "Well, I'll have to restore it. Get me a hedge-trimmer, some bleach and an assortment of continental cheeses." "Oh, please, don't bother, I'll take it as is." "Fuck you! That'll give me a bad name! See the signature?"
"Damn, I'll have to kill this fucker now", thinks Dorian. Looking around for weapons he finds none except for a chocolate eclair. "Oh well, better than nothing". So he turns around and sticks it in Basil's behind, and by "it" I mean a knife, and by "Basil's behind" I mean his neck. So he stabs him one, two, three... up to 42 times until Basil stops moving and bitching. Then he calls his chemist friend (don't leave home without one) to get rid of Basil's corpse, then he has to kill and get rid of this friend and so on... you get the picture.
The rest of the book is about Dorian falling in love with hot chicks such as Sibyl Vane, copping a feel of their jumblies, dumping them, drinking himself stupid and generally becoming a member of the The Rolling Stones. So he goes and takes a peek at the picture one day and lets out a bit of an old scream, the girl. The picture has gotten older and decrepit, a bit like Michael Jackson. So Dorian, goes and gets a butter knife from the kitchen, feeling suddenly peckish. But instead of making a sandwich he stabs the picture. (Nope, nor me.)
Some days later, the housekeepers find what looks like Michael Jackson stinking dead with a butter knife in his neck and the perfect, unharmed picture of Dorian Gray. They can only tell that was their master because of his preciouss, preciouss ring (rumour has it he had stolen it from Gollum, Frodo, Sam and the three wise men).
