Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace|
|Directed by||George Lucas|
|Written by||George Lucas|
|Starring|| Liam Neeson|
The Girl With the Stupid Laugh from Black Swan
A Kid Whose Acting Career Never Existed Before or After the Release of This Film
Definitely Not Darth Sidious, If That's What You're Thinking!
Antwan Dan Yells
|Produced by||Rick McCallum|
|Release date||May 19, 1999|
|Runtime||A little too long|
|Budget||At least a dollar|
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is a 1999 epic space opera film directed/written by George Lucas, and the first of the Star Wars prequels. It is the fourth film to be released in the Star Wars saga, the second in terms of internal chronology, and the last in terms of everyone trying to convince themselves that the series hadn't lost it.
Set in 32 BBY, it follows Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn and his Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi as they battle an army of zombie Gungans in space. It also features a young Anakin Skywalker, back when he was a young child full of hope and adventure, before he became Darth Vader (dun dun dun!).
Lucas began production of The Phantom Menace after realizing that special effects had advanced to the point where he could vomit CGI all over the place at the expense of the story. His new producer, Rick McCallum, was much more supportive compared to old producer Gary Kurtz, and gave him full creative control. Lucas claimed he wrote the prequels with the intention of completing the Star Wars story, but we all know he just wanted to disappoint fans of the original trilogy.
The Phantom Menace was panned by critics, being compared to the likes of Freddy Got Fingered and Showgirls. Despite its massive unpopularity with older fans, a common refrain from the younger generation is that "The prequels were good movies, you're just nostalgia-blind for the originals. Go suck my dick."
edit Opening crawl
After being taxed in response for their outrageous trade-ins, the Trade Federation retaliates against the Galactic Republic and sets up a blockade of battleships around the planet Naboo. Supreme Chancellor Valorium, in response, sends Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn and his padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi to negotiate with the Federation leadership in order to make them realize that they are—and always have been—cheap. Ultimately, this realization would have the Trade Federation lift the blockade and, even better, provide fair trade-ins. Darth Sidious, a Sith Lord and secret adviser to the Federation, orders Nute Gunray to kill the two Jedi and invade Naboo with a massive army of cheaply-produced battle droids. The Jedi are ambushed but they escape to Naboo.
On Naboo, Qui-Gon saves Jar Jar Binks, the most annoying fucker in the history of film, and he tags along with him. Unfortunately, Qui-Gon doesn't kill him and Jar Jar tags along for the rest of the movie. Qui-Gon, instead of demanding common pay for his services of heroism, simply asks that Jar Jar take him and Obi-Wan to the Gungan leader Boss Nass in the underwater Gungan city. Over the next half-hour, viewers are treated to various scenes of Jar Jar falling, bumping into things, making funny faces, and running around with zany kazoo music playing in the background. Unable to convince Boss Nass to help them, they simply are given transportation to Theed, the capital of Naboo's surface. There, they rescue Queen Amidala, the pale, monotonous democratic dictator of Naboo, and escape Naboo on her starship which is damaged during the escape.
Unable to sustain the starship's hyperdrive, the group are forced to land on the planet of desert planet Tatooine. Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, R2-D2, and Amidala's bitch Padmé visit Mos Espa to buy junk parts, where find a junk shop run by an obese flying mosquito named Watto. The mosquito also owns a nine-year old slave named Anakin Skywalker—little did they know this was the future Darth Vader—a grease monkey, genius, and a podracer who has never won a race let alone finished one. Evading a sandstorm, the boy leads the four to his home where he lives with his mother, also a slave, Shmidt. There, he shows the four his work-in-process: C-3PO, human-cyborb relations.
Qui-Gon senses that the Force is strong inside Anakin, and desires to abduct him into the Jedi Order. Fearing Anakin's slave master's retaliation, Qui-Gon strikes a deal with Watto: Anakin's freedom and a new hyperdrive—for the fortune Anakin probably won't win in the Mos Espa Podrace. In the end, Anakin wins after Qui-Gon most likely uses the Force to cheat Skywalker into victory over the deadly alien douchebag podracers he was up against. Unable to free Anakin's mother as well, Skywalker says goodbye and takes off. As they reach Amidala's starship, a satanic looking assailant named Darth Maul attacks Qui-Gon. However, he escapes the clutches of his foe and they escape Tatooine in style.
Amidala is taken to the capital city of the Republic, Coruscant where she pleas her case to the Senate. At the same time, Qui-Gon presents Anakin to the Jedi Council. However, the Council deems Anakin vulnerable to the Dark side of the force... and they're right. Qui-Gon rejects the Council's decision and promises to teach Anakin to become a Jedi himself. Queen Amidala finally works out a deal with the other senators and they return to Naboo with Jinn, Kenobi, Binks, and for some odd reason Skywalker.
On Naboo, Padmé reveals herself as the true Queen Amidala but everyone finds it hard to believe. She shows them her birth certificate and various other forms of her ID and they accept her revelation as truth. Boss Nass stops deciding to be an ass and the Gungans ensemble an army to square off against an invasion force of battle droids. The group head to Theed Palace to hunt down Nute Gunray, and succeed in capturing him as Anakin blows up a space station that disables the battle droid army which allows Jar Jar to stop trying so hard—but the stuff people actually care about is the final fight between the two Jedi and Darth Maul. In this fight, Obi-Wan proves himself incapable of keeping up with the action before Qui-Gon and Maul enter some laser-shield hallway. Maul repeatedly smashes Qui-Gon in the face with a double-sided Sith baton before Obi-Wan can reach the two. Kenobi, pissed off to new degrees, runs up to Maul and pushes him down a shaft.
Obi-Wan, who doesn't initially like Skywalker, promises Qui-Gon that he's gonna bust ass and train Anakin before he croaks. They burn the body at a funeral where the new chancellor, Chancellor Palpatine, acts like he isn't going to turn into an evil Emperor in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. On Naboo, a peace treaty is signed on Theed between Nass's people and the leaders of Theed and everyone celebrates with a parade.
Then, the credits roll. Of course, most of the audience has either left the theater or fallen asleep at this point.
edit Cast and characters
- Liam Neeson as Qui-Gon Jinn: Jedi Knight and Obi-Wan's master. He eats shit at the end of the film.
- Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Qui-Gon Jinn's apprentice. He kills Darth Maul. If you look closely, you'll notice that it isn't Alec Guinness.
- The Girl With the Stupid Laugh That Starred in Black Swan as Queen Padmé Amidala: I'd bang Natalie Portman...
- A Kid Whose Acting Career Never Existed Before or After the Release of This Film as Anakin Skywalker: Hard to believe this clown becomes Darth Vader in Episode III.
- Definitely Not Darth Sidious, If That's What You're Thinking! as Palpatine/Darth Sidious: This guy pulls all the strings. He's the biggest dick in the galaxy, the Galactic Republic just doesn't know it yet.
- Ahmed Worst as Jar Jar Binks: This character is annoying.
- Satan as Darth Maul: Originally considering Ray Park's sister, Rosa Parks for the role, Lucas decided to choose the devil himself because he felt that Star Wars lacked the "holy vs hell" element that fans demanded. "By having Jesus Christ star as Qui-Gon Jinn, Satan was an obvious choice for the role of Darth Maul", said Lucas.
- Antwan Dan Yells as C-3PO: Anakin's protocol droid that he made when he was nine. Ironically, when I was nine, me and his mom made him.
- A Midget as R2-D2: A robot that appears in every Star Wars film. He's awesome.
- Pernilla September as Shmi Skywalker: She doesn't get freed in this film. When you think about it, it kinda sucks. Why? Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. That's why.
- Frank, the Wizard of Oz as Yoda: Yoda looked horrible in this film, I'm glad they made him CGI in future re-releases of The Phantom Menace.
edit Themes and symbolism
The Phantom Menace, despite appearing simplistic at first glance, is full of rich symbolism that makes it seem like a real auteur film.
The characters of Yoda, Qui-Gon, and Darth Maul are meant to represent the three major aspects of our society (capitalists, leftist hippies, and juvenile delinquents). There is also Queen Amidala, who represents the emancipation of women of the 21st century and their desire to become porn actresses. Via the character Jar Jar, the film could be seen as a message of peace and vis-à-vis foreign tolerance, including Gungans and other amphibious creatures.
Believe it or not, The Phantom Menace was not the first time George Lucas pulled a trick on his fans. Have you ever noticed how all the best performances from actors happened in The Empire Strikes Back, one of two films Lucas did not direct? It's not a coincidence. George may have a knack for creatures and spaceships, but he's absolutely horrible at coaxing good performances from actors.
In retrospect, Return of the Jedi could be seen as the beginning of the decline. "I thought it would really enhance the climactic feel of the movie by introducing silly new creatures that kids love," Lucas said in an interview, chuckling. "So that's when I came up with the Ewoks." For the three or four readers here who haven't seen the movie, Ewoks are possibly the most preposterous creatures ever put on screen. Picture the Telletubbies, except instead of four, there's a whole army of them, and every one of them has fur that they never shave or brush. Yeah. Seriously.
Lucas thought it would be hilarious to introduce these oversized gerbils and watch the reactions to the fans, who he clearly thought would be devastated. Unfortunately, many fans loved the Ewoks, even after they sang the most irritating song ever written at the end of the series. "Well," Lucas elaborated, "Fixing the end of the Star Wars story wasn't enough for me. I want to make the beginning the best it can be."
Believing he could do no wrong (he created fucking STAR WARS, after all), 20th Century Fox provided Lucas with a million-dollar contract the moment he walked into their office.
Using this money, Lucas assembled a team of
yes-men supremely talented writers. Lucas's Their first idea was Jar Jar Binks, a creature even more lovable than the Ewoks. The writers originally wanted to make Jar Jar the main character and only introduce Anakin in the last five minutes of the film, but Lucas's agent talked him—err, I mean THEM, out of this. They did, however, make sure that at least half of the movie's playtime would be devoted solely to scenes of Jar Jar falling down, blowing things up, and performing other wacky antics.
After the script was written, Lucas threw together a team of actors. The actors found him to be very uncommunicative towards them, with his only directions generally being either "faster", "more intense", "more dense", or "more like poetry, it rhymes". At one point, when he temporarily lost his voice, the crew provided the actors with a board with just those four sayings written on it.
The Phantom Menace was poorly-received among critics. Joe Everyman of The New Yorker wrote: "The only redeeming factor in this film is the fact that Natalie Portman is kinda cute. But she's barely in it. Thankfully, that little boy who plays Anakin is on screen a LOT, and he's pretty cute too...oh, that glistening little boy's skin fills me with PASSION!" In many countries, the film has been outright banned due to its tendency to cause vomiting amongst fans of the original series. Months after it was released, Lucas was questioned over whether or not he'd consider remaking it to be "more gooder". He responded: "If you want the originals, go watch the originals. This is my story, not yours."
Some critics were more positive on the film, though. John Q. Public of The Wall Street Journal said that "Aside from the lack of plot, proper character development, coherence, setting, or dialogue of any kind, it was decent. I liked the credits!" Roger Ebert of The Chicago Sun-Times awarded it 5 out 5 stars, claiming it was "Easy to sleep through." Alan Smithee of AOL News even went so far as saying that Jar Jar Binks was "the best character in the movie"; this review was never published, as immediately after typing it, hundreds of fans broke into his house and tore him limb from limb, chanting "Jar Jar Binks is an abomination, Jar Jar Binks is an abomination."
Lucas re-released the film in 2012 as part of a Special Edition. $3.5 million dollars were utilized in changes, including more CGI, altered dialogue, re-edited shots, remixed soundtracks, added scenes, orangutans, breakfast cereals, fruit bats, and Jar Jar's eye color being changed.
- ↑ Time in the Star Wars universe is reckoned using as a basis the exact moment in A New Hope when the Stormtrooper entering the control room on the Death Star bangs his head on the door and yells. Using this system, events occurring before this moment are designated BBY (before bang/yell), and events after ABY.
- ↑ The rest of the review is illegal in most countries, so it will not be duplicated here.