The Pet Goat
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- AGENT: Excuse me, Sir.
- SIR: What is it, Chip?
- CHIP: Sir, we've just received word from Washington. About 12 minutes ago a plane crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center.
- SIR: How big?
- CHIP: 767, Sir.
- SIR: I got a bad feeling about this one, Chip. If that tower comes down, New York is going to look all... unbalanced. Unbalance makes me queasy, Chip. I don't know if I can be President of a city that makes me queasy.
- CHIP: Sir, you're President of the United States, not New York City.
A school bell rings.
- BUSH: Oh! That's my cue. How's my tie?
- CHIP: Fine, Sir.
- BUSH: Okay. Chip? What are those four-legged blanket things that eat thistles? You know, the horn-head things?
- CHIP: Uh... goats, Sir?
The Pet Goat, Part 1: Of Goats and Eating Things.
- BUSH (whispering): Chip! Hold up two for "balanced", one for "unbalanced"!
Chip holds up a closed fist.
- BUSH (whispering): Dammit, Chip! Give me something to work with here!
- CHIEF OF STAFF (whispering): Sir, a second plane has hit the World Trade Center. America is under attack.
Bush looks confused.
- BUSH: ...uh... Chip? Where's Laura?
- CHIP: According to the manifest Sir, she's performing a "closing forever" ceremony at the New Orleans Emergency Response Centre.
- BUSH: Okay Chip, I want you to call her and tell her "George needs more disposable razor blades." She'll know what to do.
The Pet Goat, Part 2: More Things about The Pet Goat.
If you wanna steal stuff, you should only tell the folks on the Supreme Court who're gonna give it to ya.
Later: our Reluctant Hero goes to spread democracy
- BUSH: Laura! They're talkin' about me on the TV again!
- LAURA: That's nice, honey.
- BUSH: Boy, Chip. That cardboard thing sure taught me a lot about foreign policy.
- CHIP: It's called a book, Sir. It was about a goat.