The Official List of the Best Things in Existence
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The term “The best thing since sliced bread” has been around in popular English vernacular since before anyone can accurately recall. The phrase is used to describe anything thought to be great, and is used thoughtlessly. Since the dawn of time, a list has been inscribed in the history of the cosmos of the best things ever, an Official List of the Best Things in Existence.
This is not to be confused with the list of Greatest Inventions, as this list covers not only inventions but ideas, discoveries, people and yes, Virginia, even countries. What follows is The Official List of the Best Things in Existence in its entirety.
Timeline of the Best Things Ever
Timelessness-4 billion BC
God wins the slot for the first Best Thing Ever, as he is reported to be the only thing ever for a long, unimaginable stretch of time. As the creator of the list itself, he brought a second thing into being, at first solely for the purpose of giving his sense of self-confidence something solid to believe in, but soon the joy of creating things got the best of him, and he went wild.
4 billion BC-60 million BC
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and a bunch of other boring shit that everyone takes for granted. Yadda yadda yadda, and then He created life. This life promptly died within the first few minutes of creation, no matter how many times He tried to make it. Eventually, He realized that the life He created couldn’t breathe, and so He invented oxygen, which allowed life to flourish.
God then realized that, according to the list, He had created something even more important than Himself, and went into seclusion for 4 billion years and running. His last words were reportedly “Yeah, well, I was on the list the longest, and nothing’s going to take that record from me!”
And you know what? There’s no way to prove Him wrong.
60 million BC-45 million BC
And the life known as ‘Dinosaur’ died, and so humans stepped up to claim their position as the greatest species on planet earth. They survived the alien death rays that killed off the dinosaurs, and as such, they celebrated. They threw such a wild party that creation itself took notice of them, and inscribed homo sapien on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence
45 million BC-20 million BC
Language is believed to have first been discovered around 45,000,000 BC when, moving rocks from one big pile of rocks to another large pile of rocks, an unnamed caveman dropped a rock on his foot and uttered the pivotal first word: “Moog”. Modern scholars have extensively studied this word and, going through all root languages, cite the modern translation of “Moog” to be “Fuck my toe”. Language has several branches on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence, which are listed under three separate entries.
40 million BC-35 million BC
Doubtlessly, modern scholars and English majors would notice the implications of the modern translation of the word “Moog”. Did the anonymous caveman want someone to attempt sexual intercourse with his toe? In 40,000,000 BC, however, this problem would be eradicated until the 1990’s, when punctuation was invented. Periods, commas, question marks, semicolons, weird things like ΅ that no one would ever really use, and exclamation points would enter language, finally allowing people to differentiate sentences. Thus, “Moog” was promptly amended to “Moog!” which translates into “Fuck! My toe!”
35 million BC-25 million BC
The first musical, 2 Guys, a Girl and a Brontosaurus was performed 35,000,000 BC, and the world has never been the same. So pleasing were the sudden discoveries of things like tone, pitch, and screaming angst that in some cultures, notably the Watusi tribe in what is now modern-day Kenya, the tone deaf were put to death for their displeasing warblings.
Saying Things While Belching
25 million BC-20 million BC
Recorded history shows that on March 20, 25,000,000 BC, Grok Ingersoll belched in mid-sentence, yet talked right through out. His fellow tribesmen found this so hilarious that they rolled on the ground laughing for a solid half hour. For the next five million years, saying things while belching was considered the funniest joke ever. This tradition carries on in the noble Canadian national sport, Saying the Alphabet While Belching, and the Afghani national sport, Burping for Allah.
20 million BC-5 million BC
The wheel was first invented 20,000,000 BC and was primarily used for hunting. Early hunters would roll large rock wheels down hills, hoping to hit various animals for dinner. This practice, of course, was the precursor to hitting deer in your car.
This method of hunting became so vital to many early peoples that it replaced language on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence.
5 million BC-4,000 BC
Right about 5,000,000 BC, humans finally lost their tails. This was seen as a good thing, as tails often carried bugs and diseases. Not to mention, they hindered primitive fashion considerably with their unseemly bulges. Evolution was thought up and glorified, and for nearly 5,000,000 years this was hailed as the greatest thing since the wheel.
4,000 BC-3,000 BC
3,000 BC-2,900 BC
Let’s be honest here: Even with beer and wheels and no tails, life in the Old World was crowded and smelly. Luckily, several brave adventurers noticed the large bodies of water that would later be known as the Mediterranean Sea, the Pacific Ocean, the Caspian Sea, and Isaac’s Swimming Pool in his Back Yard. They noticed how wood floated on water and, together, hypothesized how they could use this to transport themselves across the waters. Finally, 3,000 BC, they built the first boat and set out for new lands.
History doesn’t record these early ventures, because they all failed, but it was the thought that counts, right?
Getting Boats Right
2,900 BC-1,500 BC
Nearly 100 years after the first boat was made, the first successful boat was made, and the Vikings sailed from Europe to America, where they married the Indians and never came back. Luckily, they left blueprints, and the nautical world was forever conquered.
1,500 BC-47 BC
Sandals were a universal godsend, as nearly every culture on earth discovered them around the same time, all giving positive reviews. The Hebrews said “Whether wandering in the desert for forty years, running from our captors or defeating our would-be oppressors, sandals keep our feet comfortable.” The popular Roman advertisements claimed “Sandals: Jvst do it!” Even the Japanese, on the other side of the world, noted “The sandal prevents our feet from turning hard and calloused like that of a dog.”
47 BC-42 BC
One year after the crowning of Julius Caesar, an April Fool's prank was played, where Caesar's Mom was named "The Best Thing Since Sandals". Caesar himself was even sent an anonymous telegram, reading "Dvde, yovr mom is hot as fvck". Before fighting to their deaths, gladiators were required to sing along in a rousing rendition of "Caesar's Mom Has Got it Going On".
Caesar was not amused, but as it was already written on the list, there was nothing he could do about it. He publicly decried the appointment of his mother as one of the Best Things Ever and threatened to crucify whoever was discovered to have started this prank.
In 46 BC, Caesar was sent another note, reading "Cæsar, lighten vp! Wovld it be better if we said 'Yovr mother looks like a common whore, and she smells like she has jvst svrvived a battle with the lions'?"
Many were suspected of starting the joke, among the possible culprits are:
- Pliny the Younger
- Oscar Wilde
- Johnius Knoxvillius
No one was ever convicted, however.
Sandals 2: With a Vengeance
42 BC-1 AD
Following Caesar’s assassination in 42 BC, the joke about his mom being one of the Best Things Ever was thought to be in crude taste, and sandals were once again named the Best Thing Ever. Critics said that this reign was just a tired retread of all the jokes and characters found in the original appointment of sandals, however.
Jesus of Nazareth
1 AD-33 AD
A stunning display of nepotism by God, bitter over being replaced on the list by His own creation of oxygen; He just wanted to live vicariously through His own son Jesus, who wanted to become an author and a poet, and to follow the music in his soul. He was pushed reluctantly into a life of greatness, religious conviction, and ultimately a brutal murder, and as such, has been credited with a spot on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence, as well as being the central figure in the second-largest religion the world has ever seen, behind Jainism.
He ultimately did get to write a book that achieved some degree of critical acclaim, the Bible, and as such has been reported to be content with his time on earth.
Shapes in the Clouds
33 AD-668 AD
Following the ascension of Jesus Christ into Heaven, his followers spent hundreds of years looking to the sky waiting for his return. They rarely found Jesus, but rocket ships, bunnies, and really scary faces were reported in abundance. So many followers of Christ spent so much of their lives recording and analyzing their findings that the art of looking for shapes in clouds, or tripping, was added to the list.
The Printing Press
668 AD-1492 AD
The printing press was invented in 668 and revolutionized the world of reading. The first books printed were the Guttenberg Bible, the real Bible, William Shakespeare’s cult classic Hamlet, and John Milton’s The Art of War. So successful were sales that the Book Publishers Association of Europe lobbied for the printing press to be included on the list. It was, of course. ‘Cause you’re reading about it now. Duh.
- Interesting History Fact #1: This website was made with a printing press! Wow, isn’t that neat, kids?
Columbus, America, and Other Assorted Bullshit
1492 AD-1776 AD
The year 1492 gave us several great things. First, it gave us a new addition onto the list, one that covers several areas in one. It also gave us the discovery of America, which would go on to become the greatest country in the history of ever. It made Christopher Columbus a household name, rather than just another underground explorer waiting for his big break. And last, but not least, it gave us the sing-song schoolboy rhyme, “In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue”. This rhyme usually doesn’t include the second couplet of “In fourteen hundred ninety-six, Columbus gave the Indians syphilis”.
Oh, and Halley’s Comet was discovered, too.
1776 AD-1865 AD
Director Steven Spielberg was born in 1776. Spielberg gave us many movies which we all hold near and dear to our hearts, including E.T., The Rescuers, Batman & Robin, Les Miserables, The Wizard of Oz, Citizen Kane, Godzilla vs. Megaman VII: The Movie, and Anemone: Life of a Sea Dweller. Steven Spielberg also cured cancer, and invented the piñata.
Every Piece of Southern Literature Ever Written
1865 AD-1927 AD
In 1865, the smash novel Gone with Jane of Green Heights was published. This book is the only book ever written about the height of life in the south, before it was destroyed, rebuilt, and repopulated with inbreeders. It is the only surviving record of an Alabama with graduate students.
1927 is known as the greatest year, ever. And why shouldn’t it be? It was fantastic, everyone was smart, things went swell all year round, and the Dow was always up, up, up! God, what a great year. I wish I lived there.
Curiously, 1927 also holds the record for the shortest amount of time at the top of the list. However, this is only due to the fact that on April 19, the next Best Thing Ever was invented. . .
1927 AD- 1997 AD
Ah, sliced bread. Where would we be without you? I’ll tell you, still risking staph infections from slicing our own rye loafs, that’s where! Sliced bread took all the danger out of the American kitchen, reduced the amount of time it took the average person to prepare themselves a delicious snack, and stepped in for Superman to save the world from Evil Batman once. It’s done it all, I’ll tell you!
1997 AD-2002 AD
Erm. . . Actually, we’re still trying to work out how professional wrestling got on the list. Granted, if it’s on here, then it must be for a reason, and there’s no way to erase something from the list. We’ve got scientists working on it. Trust me.
Notable additions to the world:
- Stone Cold Steve Austin
- Hulk Hogan
- Steel chairs to the noggin
- The sight of grown men fighting over a clothing accessory so large it’s rendered virtually impractical
- The cause of World War IV (Debated)
2002 AD-Present Day
On Eminem’s 2002 hit single Without Me, he clearly states that he is the “best thing since wrestling”, thereby adding himself to the list. Many followers of the list shake their heads and raise a public outcry.
Critics of Eminem’s inclusion on the list point to the fact that he added himself to the list, which isn’t allowed. Furthermore, they prove that it doesn’t really count, as historians are still searching for why professional wrestling was added to the list, and no new additions should take place until people at least know why the previous holder of the title is there. Regardless, Mr. Slim Shady sits at the top of the Official List of the Best Things in Existence until some other worthy thing can bump him from his position.
The Future of the List
Who knows what’ll be next on the list? A new advancement in technology? Moon bases? Edible people? Anything could be added to the list. Even you!¹ Humanity waits in collective reverence of the Best Things Ever come before, and in awe of the next Best Thing Ever to present itself. It’ll be great.
¹ But not likely!