UnBooks:The Odyssey

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The novel The Odyssey is also available in paperback.
Odysseus1

The weather report did warn of fish tailed broads in the area Odysseus.

The Odyssey is Homer's straight-to-storyteller sequel to The Iliad. It was composed as a limerick (There was an Old Git called Oddy) but later changed to dactylic hexameter to match the earlier epic. This has lead to volumes of speculation by Greek classicists that The Odyssey was written by Homer's daughter Lisa whilst she was at home taking her neighbours' laundry. This apparently explains the details found book six about never washing your best Grecian dress with a pair of dirty sandals, something old smelly feet Homer would have not known.

Authorship aside, The Odyssey is focused almost entirely on Odysseus and why it took him 10 years to get back from the Trojan War. The answer you will find that he met some amazing women on the return leg and just had to sample the goods on offer before going back to his wife Penelope 'Petrolhead' Pitsop. In fact women feature a lot in this epic, compared to the masculine he-man stuff in The Iliad and so perhaps Odysseus was catching up with lost opportunity (he was approaching middle age).

The story does see the return of a few old faces. Most of them are dead (spoiler alert!) and those that aren't, wish they were like Helen and her oafish husband Menelaus. No dead Trojans either (presumably they are hosted elsewhere in Hades) and hardly any Olympian Gods. Athena reappears as Odysseus's helper - though she goes through various masculine disguises to keep this secret. Also there is Poseidon who takes strongly against Odysseus for what he did to one of his blue-eyed boys (see below).

Despite the smaller number of epic battles, the book is considered superior due to its explicit tenth chapter, which has caused the book to be banned in Norway, Ghana, and Gotham city. Like The Iliad it was criticized that it just doesn't rhyme properly but obviously remained a best seller otherwise it would have perished with all those other lost classics of Ancient Greek literature. Like uhm...I'll get back to you.

So sit back, lie down or go to sleep and understand why The Odyssey is worth reading and how a story about a man who lost his fleet, his men and his trousers just so he could end up back in bed with his Penny Black.

edit Book1:Ithaca

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Odyssey.

The poem begins in Ithaca. Yes, where's that you may ask? If you have heard of Corfu then you're close. We are in Greece, in a set of islands known as the Ionian Islands ('fantastic beaches, water sports, pretty boys and girls'). It is now 10 years since the Trojan War has finished and at home, Penelope still has no news about what happened to her husband. Meanwhile in her two up and forty down palace, over a 100 suitors are eating her out of house and home to marry her. Most have been there for a decade, a few even two decades - having pitched up first when Odysseus first sailed to Troy.

Penelope's son Telemachus is now all grown up and now wonders if his father was a real man or some fantasy bloke his mother invented to keep herself free from her army of would-be lovers. Either way, Ithaca will soon go bust unless either Penelope marries one of them or Odysseus turns up. Meanwhile to help thinking what to do, Penelope is working on a bit of epic weaving herself. A 100 metre tapestry entitled Trojan War: A Bloody Long Epic.

Just as the story appears to be bogging down and the audience are shifting on their seats, Athena appears to Telemachus in the guise of one of his ex-girlfriends and suggests the answer to the puzzle of where his dad was could be found in Sparta. SPARTA!!!

edit Book2:Underneath the Mango Tree

Calypso1

Keep smiling! Another 23 books to go Oddy.

We now switch to Odysseus, standing on a seashore and looking out to the setting sun. He has been skimming stones out to sea. Sitting on a giant clam shell and strumming a guitar is the goddess Calypso, a beautiful Caribbean beauty singing Underneath the Mango Tree My Honey. She is wearing a gossamer gown with no detectable underwear but Odysseus is frowning.

  • Odysseus:I need to leave
  • Calypso:You don't mean it. You said that seven years ago
  • Odysseus:I have been here too long..and it's not if I fancy you anyway!
  • Calypso:Well that's your choice. I will stay forever young and supple and you'll end up like a prune.

Odysseus's face goes dark with anger but then a man in flying sandals flutters down and lands on the beach. Odysseus thinks they have met before.

  • Odysseus:Federal Express?
  • Hermes: I am Hermes from Mount Olympus. This message is for Calypso.

Hermes hands over a piece of parchment.

  • Calypso:(Reading aloud)Oi you droopy tits. This is from Athena. Let Odysseus go or I will make your life a barrel of shit otherwise. Yours, Athena.
  • Odysseus:I CAN GO!!
  • Calypso:You have no ship. You were all washed up when I found you Oddy.
  • Odysseus:Don't call me Oddy! Hermes..can I..?
  • Hermes:I am a messenger not a mule. Wait for further divine guidance.

edit Book3:Nausicaa

OdysseusMan1

A version of the same story but without the seaweed.

Odysseus hangs around waiting for another message but thinking Mount Olympus must be on an emergency call out somewhere else, he starts building a rudimentary ship. Calypso is reluctant to help him build it but when Odysseus mentions Athena's name, his captor gets on with sawing the wood and painting the surface. Calypso promises to provide a fantastic send-off but fearing a trick, Odysseus sneaks off in the night. Calypso is too late to stop him and instead sits by the sea shore playing her mournful ditties for the next three thousand years.

Odysseus is spotted by Poseidon. Just give me a few books to get to the reason why the Greek sea god hates our hero. Anyway, Poseidon stirs up a storm and washes Odysseus off his life raft. Last time this happened, Odysseus at least kept his clothes. This time he washes up on another coast stark naked and with not so much a ring or arm bracelet to pawn for new togs. Exhausted, he goes to sleep and covers himself in seaweed.

The next morning he is woken by a group of young women playing beach ball. They are playing it in the nude as sea water is bad for textiles. Odysseus comes over, covering his old fellow with a handful of sea weed. The young women are surprised but don't hurry to dress. One approaches him and speaks.

  • Nausicaa:It's strictly under 25s for the ritual orgy tonight. The old timers have their time next week.
  • Odysseus:I am not here for the orgy. Where am I? I am looking for Ithaca.
  • Nausicaa:Oh that's about 2 days sailing from here. If you start swimming it will take you...

Then one of the maidens transforms into Athena, with armour and helmet.

  • Athena:Enough of that! Take this man home or I will shrivel your bodies!

Everyone gets dressed. No sex scene here and return to Nausicaa's palace.

edit Book 4:Poetical recap

Cyclops1

Odysseus catches up with the news to discover his previous adventures have been turned into an epic poem. Miffed that someone else was coining drachma of his exploits, he threatens to 'brain' the bard responsible.

edit Chapter 3: Blown off course

After many perilous days of sailing, Odysseus's 17 remaining ships touched down on ancient Cuba. Fidelus Castrous, the current ancient king, told them to piss off. Odysseus was not happy, so he speared him on a kabob and fed him to his pet cat. this place was tropical like they wanted, but the women were either whores or ass-raping ugly, so they sailed to the nearby bahamas, where they met a wise (or crazy, who knows) man whol told them this: "Yo bitches, the place full of long living beautiful women and a tropical climate ain't here, so shut the fuck up and listen! You need to go to the gay prophet in canada, and offer one of your men to his dick. only then will he tell you where to go. now piss the hell off."

edit Chapter 4: Canada

After going up the coast, Odysseus reached Canada. The Canadians tried to rape every man in plain sight. After losing an entire ships crew to gay men, he reached the gay prophet and forced him to tell him the destination of their dreams. He said Odysseus would need to pass through many obstacles before reaching his destination. His ideal destination was located on a small isand, quite close to Easter Island. The Panama canal was obviously not built so the ships set off to sail around the top of North America.

edit Chapter 5: Eskimos and Ice

Odysseus and 15 ships made it to the arctic. The others got bored or were shipwrecked by Poseidon, because he was pissed. They had to get through a narrow channel of water through the ice to get to the Pacific Ocean. After about a day, cannibalistic eskimos with pet seals noticed the convoy of ships, and set out with a wild cry to destroy them and eat all the greek's testicles. The greeks had arrows dispatch most of them, but some got onto ships, so Odysseus and his men had to fight with swords and spears. The eskimos killed off and took one ship, leaving the other 14 to escape.

edit Chapter 6: The Land of the Dead

The fleet was desperately low on supplies, so they decide to stop at the scenic Land of the Dead. Here while they got water, Odysseus met with several ghosts of accquaintances he had known in the past. These included Achilles, Genghis Khan, his mom, your mom, Jesus, and Ajax. All of them (except Jesus) complained about how they would rather be making the world better, killing more people, or having affairs. Odysseus told Achilles "You appear to be happy," but Achilles said "HAPPY?!?!? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? BEING DEAD AND SITTING IN THIS GAY PLACE SUCKS!" Among them was his wife, who was pissed at him for wanting to go to a place with beautiful women. She had killed herself waiting for him. She wailed, "Why would you ever try to do this?!?! Do you love me? That war poisoned your mind!" He flipped her off and just said "There's better women where we are going!" She yelled that Ajax was hotter and more buffed anyway. He finally got tired of talking to dead people, but zombies came up out of the ground and Achilles said "You need to fight through a crowd of the living dead before leaving Odysseus." While all the ghosts watched, a huge zombie killing spree took place, and Odysseus beheaded more than he could count. One ship was destroyed in the fight and Odysseus and the others barely escaped.

edit Chapter 7: Asia

Odysseus and his men were again blown off course by Poseidon, who was enjoying their constant misfortune. They were alreay down to 13 ships. They landed on the Korean peninsula and went to ask the leader about directions and supplies. The leader, Kimus Jongus Illius the 2nd said that his country was being attacked by Mongolian Hunting Parties, and he would give them help if they helped repel the attack. Odysseus and his men got the supplies, but 5 ships were lost in the battle,so yeaaa then yeaa nd liek yeaa although it was won. He continued down the coast with 8 ships to Taiwan, an uninhabited island at that time. For a moment it seemed like their destination! The women who surprisingly lived here were hot, the climate was warm, and the vegetation was plentiful. But the women turned out to be cannibalistic sexists who hated men. ANOTHER ship was destroyed with the crew eaten. Odysseus said "Boy this place is getting hard to find!" He pulled out his map given to him by the Korean king when they left, and directed the ships towards the southeast pacific to find Easter Island. If they found Easter Island, they would find their destination.

edit Chapter 8: Encounter with Poseidon

Many days passed on the open sea. Odysseus and the others were getting quite bored with their nintendo greekcube, and hoped to find an Xbox 360 or Nintendo Wii on their island. After a while, Poseidon himself came up from the waters on a whale(gay), and said "I challenge Odysseus to a duel! If I lose, I will bother you no more! If I win, you men will never reach your island of choice!" Odysseus pulled out his sword and swung it at Poseidon, but it was deflected by the god's trident. A furious battle occurred, with each man giving the other many injuries. Finally, Poseidon called a draw, and turned to tell all the other men. But Odysseus, being known for trickiness, drove his sword into Poseidon's back, and twisted it several times. He fell dead then killed some eskimo penguins and they took his trident before giving him the deep six(throwing him overboard).

edit Chapter 9: Easter Island

Many more days passed with clear seas. Since the god of oceans was gone, the waters would always be calm. The Greeks saw an island in sight. They went right alongside a high cliff and Odysseus started to climb along with 5 of his men. The other men stayed with the 7 ships below. While exploring the somewhat treeless landscape, they saw many large stone heads in the ground, and even a village, but no one was there. Back at the ships, one sailor, a man named Shittus, noticed people high up on the cliffs. He waved to see if it was Odysseus and the others, but instead arrows and flaming grass balls rained down on them. All ships but one were destroyed. Odysseus and the 5 others were the only ones left alive. They went back and saw their ships were destroyed and the men gone. They saw a large smoke plume coming from the village, and Odysseus told 2 men to go down and secure the one intact ship. Odysseus and the 3 other went to the village and hid behind stone heads to see Crazy natives eating the remains of their comrades. Their scrotums were pinned on a stone head and their dicks were used as necklace pendants. Their balls were used for food. Odysseus and the 3 others tried to run, but were seen, and a hail of arrows came down. one man went down, and Odysseus jumped off a cliff to swim to his ship. The other 2 men remained to fight. No one knew what happened to them, until researchers found preserved Greek penises in a cave thousands of years later. It was believed they met the same fate as the others. Anyway, Odysseus sailed away eastward, vowing to never return to the island.

edit Chapter 10: The Destination

After about 3 days, an island was seen in the distance. Odysseus was wary of risking his last ship, due to the loss of 19 others. He and the other 2 men instead anchored it off the coast and swam to the island. What they saw after a long hike through the jungle was breathtaking. The 3 Greeks saw a village of nothing but beautiful women, who welcomed them and gave them soothing spa treatments. This concluded Odysseus's long journey, and he and the 2 other men stayed on the island, and they soon found that they were immortal on this island, and stayed here with all the other women and lived the good life. This island has been known as New Ithaca, and it is still undiscovered today.

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