The Night of the Long Knives

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The Night of the Long Knives is an infamous night in German history, as well as cutlery fetishists.

[edit] A Slice of History

For centuries beforehand, Germany and the 15th Reich were famous for creating perfectly balanced kitchen utensils, much in the same way that the Japanese had been producing Samurai swords. However, this was all to change as soon as Ernst Rohm decided that as the premier utensil brandishing unit in the Nazi heirarchy, the SA (sore arseholes) should be at the forefront of the manufacturing process.

The Fuhrer agreed, largely as he was under the hallucagenic influence of one Herman Goerring, who captivated the Divine leader with his impression of Sir Christopher Columbus. Rohm took this opportunity to gain a bigger slice of the pie for the SA. To do this, Rohm simply decided that what was needed was a bigger knife, as the existing knives were simply too small to cut any larger slices of pie. So, he ordered a directive that the best design for a larger knife would be awarded a Noble War prize and 50 million Reichmarks (approximately the value of a small egg in today's currency). German scientists retired to their laboratories all across Germany in order to try and perfect the ultimate pie-slicing knife.

This led to a temporary stop in the production of pies and zeppelins (the two are closely linked, as both rely on the same laws of physics to float) in Germany, which the population greeted with disdain. This was solved by Heinrich Himmler performing nightly on N-TV (Nazi television), with his astounding success "Nazi Idol". The show was judged by Vincent Kennedy McMahon, Luke Skywalker and Cliff Richard Jr.

[edit] Stabby Stabby

In the search for the ultimate pie slicing knife, many designs were submitted. One man, a scientist by the name of Barney Von Gumble, believed that he was on the right path with his wide apporach, creating a knife that was wide enough to be able to cut through any pie to a depth of 5 feet. Unfortunately, The Fuhrer didn't agree and he was sent to a concentration camp, where he was forced to concentrate until he levitated. Barney Von Gumble is apparently still absorbed in this task, and has only managed to raise one knee off of the ground to a height of 1cm. (There is some speculation as to whether this is paranormal or simply Von Gumble raising his backside off of the ground in order to pass wind.) Ultimately, the design was rejected.

The breakthrough came in 1936 with Terry "Lord of the Flies" Wogan, who adopted the long approach. He developed a knife that was at least 10 ft long in order to cut through any length of pie (up until 10 ft obviously). This was more than adequate to meet Rohm's stipulations, and Wogan was awarded the prize and a contract to make 60,000,000 of the knives (subsequent historians have blamed this for the lack of materials later in the war which should have been used in building ornamental rings for the SS (syphalytic spaniards) officers, a vital war-winning commodity).

[edit] Cutting up rough

Once the first knives were delivered to the SA, they celebrated with all arms of the german armed forces. Unfortunately, it so happens that on this night many of the revellers accidentally and brutally stabbed themselves whilst partying, and all died. Fortunately for Hitler, these were exactly the people he had earmarked (a mark placed upon an ear in order that all may distuingish a person for what they really are) as political enemies. There is no connection at all.

So, in remembrance of these poor souls who accidentally and brutally killed themselves whilst slicing pie, the Nazi government declared the night "the night of the long Knives", after the long knife design of Wogan.