The Next to Last Supper
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“He without sin shall kick the first ass!!!”
“Ill shove a ShamWow up your ass!”
“Why does this man never talk, does he not have anything to say?”
The Next to Last Supper was the second to last party that Jesus would have, although he did not know this. He wanted all of his friends to be there, so he invented the telephone (which Alexander Bell found a few thousand years later when it bit his finger off) to call up all his friends and tell them to meet at his place with as much weapons as they could find. Jesus has intelligence that his best friend was going to betray him to the Satan Police Force 3, also known as SPF3. So they were going to take them down, until the SPF3 busted down his door and took him to jail.
edit Jesus Escapes From Jail
After spending 2 days in jail Jesus was pissed. Jesus, vowing to take down SPF3, used his magic powers to invent the handgun which he used to shoot the guards, causing them to fall on the floor rolling back and forth screaming "Ahhhhhggggg". Then both the guards were killed when a stray stone from some random dude name David came in and hit them on the head.
Jesus and David then teamed up to take down Satan and SPF3. They decided to go to a convenience store, upon seeing a row of bottles labeled SPF3, they freaked out and blow the place up with the hand RPG. It was not until after they blew the store up that they realized they were just bottles of sunscreen. Then they found some acid, which was not "invented" at the time, and wrote what is today known as "The Bible". As they were heading down to hell through a portal in a nearby gas station's toilet, Jesus's father (God, Allah, or Jenovah, names used to evade the debt collectors) was making bets with Satan on who would win. God also decided to film it and turn it into a movie called "SPF3 Vs. Jesus Christ", and is today known as "Jesus Christ Vs. SPF3" because people are too unoriginal.
edit Preparations for the Great Battle of JC and SPF3
So Jesus invented the lightsaber and called up his buddies David, Luke Skywalker, Abraham Lincoln, and Billy Mays. What he didn't know is that Satan had SPF3, Darth Vader, John Booth, and Vince (That guy from the ShamWow commercial). And so the battle began.
edit The Great Battle of JC and SPF3
They realized he wasn't in his throne room and so Jesus teleported them onto the death star. And the battle begins(again). Jesus Vs. Satan, David Vs. SPF3, Luke Skywalker Vs. Darth Vader, Abraham Lincoln Vs. John Booth, and Billy Mays Vs. Vince. They each had their own battle cry. Jesus: He who was born without sin kicks the first ass! David just starred at them menacingly( which worked well since one of the three members of SPF3 fainted, because she had the hots for David's muscular shirtless body.). Luke: The force is strong in this bitch! Lincoln: Fore score and 20 years ago I raped your ass! Mays: Hi I'm Billy Mays and in just one easy step I can kick your ass for just two easy payments or 9.99, but wait, there's more! If you don't whine like a sissy I'll double the offer for free! Of course, God had lost the bet, and had to give Satan his iPod yocto, but he could not find it so he just paid Satan one billion God-Dollars, for use in heaven only.
edit The Last Supper
Well Jesus was captured, but before he was crucified he was allowed one more party before he died. He called this "The Last Supper". So Jesus called is friends and invited them for his last party, as he had given up. Jesus knew what his fate was, but what everyone else did not know, was that he had a bomb inside of him that would go off after he died, but it was only powerful enough to cause diarrhea. So they took Jesus from his home, and nailed him to a badly built wooden cross. Then the bomb went off, and nothing happened. They locked him in a stone cave tomb type thing, but a few days later he was gone.