The News Quiz

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“I think therefore the News Quiz”
~ Rene Descartes on The News Quiz
“Everything about the middle class is bad, except the News Quiz and by extension Radio 4”
~ Jeremy Hardy and Mark Steel on The News Quiz
“This is a cheap telly rip-off of The News Quiz”
~ Sandi Toksvig on Have I Got News For You
“This is a cheap radio rip-off of Have I Got News For You”
~ Ian Hislop on The News Quiz
“This is a cheap short rip-off of Andy Hamilton”
~ Sandi Toksvig on Ian Hislop
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The News Quiz.

The News Quiz is a Radio 4 radio show, for people with radios. It's important to stress that it is a radio programme because that automatically makes it more intelligent than any tosh that you might see on TV, like Have I Got News For You. Not that they're jealous, just that it's on the radio.

The News Quiz is rather surprisingly not a quiz about the news, but a discussion programme about the outer reaches of lower Macedonia. Only joking! It's really a quiz about the news! I had you fooled for a moment. It might not have been so convincing had the imaginative and creative people at Radio 4 come up with a really obvious name, like 'a comedy programme about the news'.

edit Hosts

edit Sandi Toksvig

Sandi Toksvig is one of the two homosexuals working in Radio 4, and she's banging the other.

Sandi Toksvig claims to be from Denmark, but it is a well known fact that she is a political refugee from the third great war of liberation of the Communist Republic of Scouseland. She is the second ever middle-classed person from Liverpool, the first having been lynched before he could escape their evil clutches. As a result of the law of eternal balance, this means that she contains vast amounts of Microclosmic energy, which makes people people middle-class.

edit Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher was the first lesbian to host The News Quiz, and also the only one to be into BDSM and three-somes with coal miners.

edit Regular Contestants

edit Jeremy Hardy

A popular recording artiste with a string of Top Twenty albums, it has well been said of Jeremy Hardy that no words can describe this man, not even "a popular recording artiste with a string of Top Twenty albums". However, we have attempted to render to you some of his personality with this short speech take directly from one of his answers on The News Quiz.

Q: Which person paid a princely sum to avoid an inquiry (in reference to the recent scandal where Prince Phillip paid millins of pounds to the jury of the Diana inquest to avoid them from telling everyone he personally killed her Prince Phillip has done nothing wrong. There is no cover-up. Your computer IP has not been logged and no armed hit-men are about to kill you).

A: Oh gawd! Not the royal family. I recently wrote a huge essay about how awful they are. Let me read it to you. As we know all of us here are socialists, this being Radio 4 and all that. Anyway, all socialists hate the royal family for twenty fascinating reasons. Firstly, they are a symbol of stuff in the past, like slavery, and slavery was bad. Other bad stuff happened in the past, like Margaret Thatcher. Gawd she was awful. And John Major. Not that anyone remember him. Ha ha. Anyway, back to the royal family. The second reason why all socialists hate them is because they represent the class system, which is also a bad thing, because it was much worse in the past, which we have already established is bad. Anyway, if you're a coal miner, then you probably don't like the class system, and Margaret Thatcher fought against the coal miners, and she was bad, so coal miners are good, so the class system is bad. Thirdly, most of the royal family are old. Old people are bad because the have more past in them than young people do, and the past is bad/ Fourthly royal family are a family, and Conservatives believe in family values, and Margaret Thatcher was a Tory, so families must be bad. Anyway Sandi, you're a lesbian, so family values don't mean much to you, so they must be bad. Fifthly the royal family is rich, which is bad, because Margaret Thatcher made some people rich, and she was bad. She was really, really bad. Sixthly, Prince Charles isn't here, and as we know the News Quiz is a good program, because they're quite happy to employ me because they can get anyone funnier, unlike Have I Got News For You. (At this point Jeremy was struck by a bullet, most likely fired by Sandi Toksvig, who like all lesbians is really violent. He was sent to hospital. Although hospital records indicate that he continued his answer, and in fact thought up five more reasons why the royal family is bad, he did kill four people of acute boredom, and an additional five were sent into anaphalectic shock. Luckily no transcript of his answer exists, so it cannot be reproduced.).

edit Andy Hamilton

Andy Hamilton (or Jon Holmes) appears on Radio 4's The News Quiz (or [The Now Show] and is really short (or shorter). Really really short (or really shorter). Look at how tall this 'l' is (or this 'l' is). That's Andy Hamilton (or Jon Holmes).

He's also hairless, neckless, thumbless and will look at you funny. Good thing it's radio, eh?

edit Mark Steel

Like Jeremy Hardy, Mark Steel is a socialist.

Unlike Jeremy Hardy, Mark Steel is not boring.

edit Fred MacAulay

Fred MacAulay is a member of the Northern Confederate Union of Bastards, or as it is more commonly known; Scotland.

He has the third ever Scot not to be an annoying whiny bastard, as was accredited in the "BBC Not Whiny and Annoying Scot Award 2005".

edit Carrie Quinlan

She's the token woman (Sandi Toksvig doesn't count because she's a lesbian). She has no other role in the show.

edit That Person Who Reads The Funny News Stories

Normally there's someone who reads funny news stories. Noteable ones have been:

  • A women who feel onto a bush yesterday complained she felt a little prick up her backside.
  • "The recent earthquake certainly made the earth move for me!", said the Queen.
  • A speaker on the art of onanism today announced that the practise may be beneficial to the health, in reply to which there was a big *'Oh' from the crowd.
  • A cat owner who was pushed into a river by some youths commented on how the worst part of the experience was that it made her pussy wet.
  • A women who was anally raped by several large tooled men complained how it had made her arsehole really fucking painful.
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