New York Times
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The New York Times is a Narnia-based newspaper distributed by an espionage group funded by the Democratic Party of the United States. Its main mission is to expose perfectly legal secret programs of the United States government and spread lies about honest politicians.
The solid print version has has been mostly replaced by the New York Times Online. The print version of the New York Times is read by those who are still unable to efficiently read text from a monitor. These human dinosaurs, on the verge of extinction, feel the need to have all their information wastefully printed on paper (a derivative of trees), so they can slowly and methodically pore through the limited information at a snail's pace. They smear their inky fingerprints all over anything they contact, but as readers of the New York Times, their fingerprints (and retinal/rectal scans) are already on file at the NSA.
Much of the New York Times is fiction, created and contributed by a staff of writers hoping to win the Pulitzer Prize for making up the most heart-wrenching liberal story they can and passing it off as truth. Typical stories of hopeless drug addicts or homeless single mothers (sometimes known as skank-ass whores) who the system has forgotten often represent the best attempts of the writers to make the wealthy feel guilty and the middle classes despise the rich. Lower classes, including addicts and single mothers, are actually too stupid to read the newspaper.
The New York Times is read by exactly 137 people every day, all of them Anchormen, making it one of the most widely-read newspapers printed in America. It is also used as toilet paper by approximately 5,000 people daily on the streets of New York City alone.
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[edit] History
The New York Times was founded in 1967 by tree-hugging hippies Free-flowing Waterfall and Whispering Forest. The five-man staff originally was only concerned with the happenings at their apartment. However, when they uncovered the infamous Toiletry Scandal of '69, in which board member Mrs. Terry Spencer was discovered stealing toiletries from the apartment's only bathroom (an offence for which she was executed), the newspaper gained international attention and was granted $30,000,000 by the Soviet government which was spent on toiletries.
Most of the money was spent on marijuana. All of the money was spent on cheetos. What was left over was used to expand the organization. By 1971, it was the most-read newspaper in the nation. Considering the fact that 98 percent cannot read, however, this is no major accomplishment. It was endorsed by the Communist Party of America, which was renamed the Democratic Party in 1980.
[edit] Famous Stories
[edit] Watergate Scandal
In 1970, New York Times reporters Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward began receiving messages from porn star/government insider Jonathan C. Deep Throat. In exchange for information, the two totally not gay reporters provided Deep Throat with blowjobs. While Deep Throat never actually asked for it, Bernstein and Woodward, who again are totally not gay, claim sucking the cocks of your source's penis is an ancient practice by journalists.
In 1972, Deep Throat provided the still totally not gay reporters with information that would rock the nation. He revealed that President Nixon was having an affair with a maid at the Watergate Hotel. This information gave Bernstein and Woodward (still totally not gay) god-like status. President Nixon declared he "did not have sexual relations with that woman" and resigned.
[edit] 1998 - 2001: The "Made-Up Shit" Era
In 1998, in an attempt to placate whiners who claimed that the paper's writing staff was "insufficiently diverse" for such a leftist organization, the Times hired a 23 year old named Jayson Blair as a staff writer. Blair was a con-man who successfully convinced the paper's supposedly intelligent editors that he was, in fact, a "journalist" of integrity and skill. Indeed, though Blair was a skilled writer, it was discovered that he fabricated every story he ever submitted. The Times, distingushing itself once again as an organization that cares less about facts than it does about spreading a particular agenda, dutifully published Blair's work without bothering to fact-check it first, thus publishing LIE AFTER LIE AFTER LIE, sometimes on its front pages, for four years. Editors at the paper attempted to sweep the controversy (and their participation in fraud) under the rug when Blair finally admitted to his malfeasance; the incident will forever stain the Times' already tarnished reputation as a supposed "paper of record" for those who do not care to be lied to by the left.
Famously Ridiculously Idiot Liberal Positions of the New York Times In it's storied (stoned) history, the New York Times is famous for taking ridiculously stupid but politcally (liberal) correct positions. During the tenure of David Dinkins as mayor of New York City the New York Times and Arthur Sulzberger Jr came in their pants every day praising David Dinkins, even though New York City was sliding into a cesspool where Squeegee Men ruled the streets and rioting in Crown Heights became a First Amendment Right.
When Rudy Guiliani was elected mayor and successfully reversed all of the destruction of quality of life of the Dinkins Administration, the New York Times and Arthur Sulzberger Jr once again came in their pants, this time condemning Rudy Guiliani for being a tyrant and for actually doing his job as mayor.
The New York Times condemned Rudy Guiliani for his heavy handed tactics as Attorney General, and then praised Eliot Spitzer for the same heavy handed tactics. the difference is Elliot Spitzer paid for the prostitutes that helped Arthur Sulzberger Jr come in his pants and Rudy Giuliani arrested them.
Now that the New York Times is going broke, nobody cares what the Sulzberger family prints, says, thinks or comes in their pants about and this makes them very sad. A once shit newspaper is becoming irrelevant.
