The New Communist Party Bent On Global Conquest

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“So that's why my cat has a red star etched into her skin!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The New Communist Party Bent on Global Conquest


On a completely unrelaed note, Hillary Clinton needs your help for her upcoming election.

Not to be confused with The Old Communist Party Bent on Global Conquest, The New Communist Party Bent on Global Conquest was founded as an animal shelter. Those involved in the coming-to-power of this animal shelter soon realised that animals like dogs and cats were incresingly more likely to be corrupted by politicians and propaganda aired through little boxes. They then did the same tests on humans and tallied the results.

edit History of The New Communist Party Bent On Global Conquest

edit The Results

  1. Humans are complete idiots! They (The New Communist Party Bent On Global Conquest) Realised that humans were even more likely to fall for such bouts of increasingly twisted news sources and biased media depictions. This gave them strength to build up confidence in there efforts.
  2. Humans were also more likely to press their ideals upon their cronies. This caused a sudden plague of propaganda among the test subjects and thus the NCPBOGC (The New Communist Party Bent On Global Conquest) were even more thoroughly rejoiceful.
  3. The Nic-Pib-Ohg-Kuh (NCPBOGC) realised that they were humans.
Octopus world

Estimated conquered area of The New Communist Party Bent on Global Conquest as of 2030. Note that quite a bit of this land is in fact water, those NCPBOGC's never were very good with that whole possession of intelligence thing.

edit Deductions Made From Test Results

After further testing, the scientists (if you can call them that) of the NCPBOGC realized that the best way to prevent corruption in both humans and animals was to

  • A.) Revert to your primal, unevolved state. This is clearly impossible, unless if you happen to have access to a warp speed starship capable of picking up new diseases on alien planets, and the NCPBOGC was, at the time not able to pay for one.
  • B.) Have the entire population on earth watch reruns of "Gilligan's Island" and "Mr.T (The animated series)" for three hours on saturday mornings. This was clearly a possibility, but, sadly, the chairman of the NCPBOGC had a fit of "acking," a common disease featured in the sunday comics, every time Skipper or the live-action version of Mr. T came on, brought on by his chronic amplusaphobia, or a fear of people larger than himself. This was soon ruled out.
  • C.) Switch your OS to linux (this idea came about as a result of their endless sympathies towards communal government). Everybody realised that as hard as it would be, toppling the Microsoftean Empire was their only chance at an almost (key word) completly corruption-free world.
  • Accept the corruption and manipulate it in such a way as to allow yourself to benefit from it. They finally decided on this one.

edit The New Communist Party Bent on Global Conquest as a Political Power

The Rising of Power in the NCPBOGC Soon, the NCPBOGC were in an intense budget deficit, in order to boost the amount of cash in their pocket, they started charging everyone that came into their animal shelter twice as much as it would cost for a human to get that same surgery. But, for some reason, maybe it was all that propaganda from the PETA, people paid the ghastly prices and fed this fledgling political party until their pockets were bulging. Now, What to do with all this cash, what to do...

  • Set up a tax shelter! They quickly went about setting up a P.O. Box on Bermuda, number 7895 to be exact. With this in place, and the already present tax-breaks for the rich the NCPBOG were now on the fast-track route to economic asylum.
  • The NCPBOGC proceeded to buy out the Boy Scouts of America, and quickly corrupted the promising youth of the United States of America.
  • This alone was not enough for the now power-hungry leaders, they proceeded to pay off legislators to pass new laws to "help" the public schools. These laws required too much from the schools, and, with inadequate funding, the schools were forced to close down. The NCPBOGC quickly set up private schools to "teach" the displaced children. These schools became the centre for the corruption of the American children.
Communist fut

edit What To Do With All This Political Power

In 2010, due to the rising power of the NCPBOGC, it was said that they should elect someone to run for governor of Texas. Why Texas? It was one of the most stupid states in America at the time, and it had already yielded plenty of powerful people (many of whom had brains the size of peas). They elected Lord Smush (pronounced like George Bush) as their candidate for governor. Lord Smush ran on pretenses that he would restore the "ethix"(sic) of his faith and make this country better, starting with Texas, of course. Soon the people of Texas loved their wonderful leader, but his term was up, young Lord Smush was an ambitious fellow, so he decided to run for the President of the Untied (sic) States of America.

edit The Tides Turn For the NCPBOGC

Lord Smush falls off his bike on his Texas ranch and can't attend the debate (how coincidental!). The American people don't vote for him and peace is restored to the country.

edit The New Communist Party Bent on Global Conquest Trivia

  • The New Communist Party Bent On Global Conquest was once the name of one of Jimmy Page's rock bands. (for more info see Led Zeppelin)
  • The initials (NCPBOGC) happen to be the name of a star 127 light-years away.
  • They took %.0003427 of the 2004 presidential election votes (for more info see How to make up statistics).

edit See also

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