The Network

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Fucking red pill!”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Network

“You educated stupid word animals can't fathom this greatest social and scientific math of creation.”

~ Gene Ray on The Network

A diagram of The Network before the Democratic Party reinvented it, invoking the Evil power of Reverend Al Gore.

The Network was created in 1856 by the Reverend Al Gore. Its primary function is to hold the entire wealth of poo in the world together, including such vital human resoruces as SARS, Pizza, the CCCP, and Kevin Mitnick's balloon. Though computers are forbidden to join The Netowrk by the Illuminati Comittee on Armenia, NATO, and the Network, in 1366 a few copies of MS Paint got together and formed the Democratic Party, with the goal to establish a ROFLcopter factory within it's borders. Fortunately, Jesus, son of The Network, performed his primary function as the One, restoring the balance between good and evil using the Force, a magical substance which is light on one side, dark on the other, and really fucking sticky. Perhaps because of this strange similarity between the Force and spaghetti sauce, The Network bears an uncanny resemblance to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

[edit] The Matrix

Some people have claimed that an artificial world known as the Matrix exists around us. This is completely untrue. The Matrix is a diversion created to disguise the fact that we are actually controlled by robotic alien WTFs, who use our brains to bake their bread. This also explains why a large number of stupid people exist within The Network.

[edit] Artificial Stupidity and The Network

Special cases of Artificial Stupidity exist within The Network. As with other Artificial Stupidity, this is designed to hinder and serve no purpose whatsoever and potentially be dangerous. The most notable example of Artifical Stupidity within The Network is the mysterious "Dave Lombardo Device" named after its undesigner, the drummer Dave Lombardo of Slayer fame. This device consists of a series of 1,427 rods all of equal appearance which when slotted in a certain sequence in the 3,982 slots release the big red button and allow it to be pressed. No-one knows what happens when the button is pressed, as no-one has got that far, but it is rumoured that it turns toes green or excavates small areas behind bathroom doors. Other examples include the Belgian designed "Half Moustache Remover" as once used by a guy that knew someone one day and "Pastrybra" a complicated form of Algebra crossed with baking which always returns the answer "0" no matter what is input into the awesomely long and unwieldly formulas. The first International College of Pastrybra was set up in Dundee in 2005 by Professor Ruben Von Rodriguez McDave Stevens.

[edit] Verizon

Verizon, a maker of those popular robotic pants operators, attempted a coup de' tat in 1920 in order to take over The Network. Though it failed, it did eventually create the Republican Party. This party created their own artificial system in Verizon's name, using a Satanic proverb as their slogan. "Are you in?" Ater the failed coup de' tat the leader of the Verizon, now renamed the Republican Party, decided to get some new pants because the robotic ones he was wearing had since crushed his balls into a fine paste. He chose another version of the exact same pants he was wearing, tenderly salvaged the ball paste and fisted it into his wife, a last ditch attempt to concieve a child. 9 months later she took a massive shit, but then that shit started crying. They were both ecstatic with joy because the they had finally had their first child. That was until the leader of the republican party realised he and his wife were not black meaning his wife had gone black and had come back with just a little more than a stretched vaginal cavity. He yelled at her "you cheating whore!" and shook the baby too much and they had to flush it. The good news is the wife (lets just call her Sarah Palin) went on to have a short career in politics which only happened because she was willing to suck an old mans dick. Literal meaning ofcourse.

[edit] Accessing The Network

Since computers are forbidden on the network, it can be difficult to access The Network's resources. Experts recommend using the Carrier Pigeon Internet Protocol as specified in RFC 1149, or by throwing some Linux at it until it lets you on.