The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time

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Quotable smackdown

Sir Jonathan Ross(right) pointing out how much of a pussy Winston Churchill (center) is, after Mark Twain (left) punched Churchill in the nose.

“It all started one day when I was walking through a flower garden and writing poetry.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“As I recall, you were actually stealing free crackers from a restaurant.”
~ Winston Churchill


“That's ridiculous. I was reflecting on the inner beauty of the the soul of the lonely, dignified carnation.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“A carnation called compulsive shoplifting”
~ Mark Twain


“I was not shoplifting! And anyway, it's not stealing if they're free.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Yes, and it's also not stealing if you suck.”
~ Mark Twain


“Dude, I don't suck, you suck.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“No, I agree, you suck.”
~ Winston Churchill


“I do not!”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Let's take a vote on it.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Sucks.”
~ Mark Twain


“Sucks.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Fine. Let's see how many quotes are on all your making up quotes pages.”
~ Oscar Wilde


...

“Not so many!”
~ Oscar Wilde


...

“So what? People don't want to make up our quotes because we're too cool.”
~ Winston Churchill


“I'm so cool, I'm talking in green."”
~ Mark Twain

“I'm so cool, I'm talking in green, And I'm going to put a headline right here just because I feel like it!”
~ Winston Churchill

“Shut up shut up SHUT UP!”
~ Ambrose Bierce


OSCAR WILDE IS A SOCKFLOBBIT

“Ha ha ha ha ha!”
~ Mark Twain


“I am not a sockflobbit!”
~ Oscar Wilde


“You can't not be a sockflobbit, Oscar. It's written right there.”
~ Mark Twain


“I'm so cool, I-”
~ Winston Churchill


“All right. Shut up. Everybody!”
~ Oscar Wilde


[silence]

“Wee-ooo-wee-ooo!”
~ Mark Twain


“SHUT UP!”
~ Oscar Wilde


[silence]

“Anyway, I was walking through the flower garden, when I saw Winston Churchill knocking over a baby carriage.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
~ Mark Twain


“The stupid baby was making faces.”
~ Winston Churchill


“I said, 'Why Winston, that is not an act becoming of a world leader such as yourself!'”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Except that he was drunk.”
~ Mark Twain


“Well, I suppose I did take a little beer during my stroll.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Ya. they sold beer right next to the lillies.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Ha ha ha ha ha!”
~ Mark Twain


“And anyway, it wasn't beer. It was scotch.”
~ Winston Churchill


...

“A lot of scotch.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm drunk right now!”
~ Mark Twain


“Man, Oscar! You were so tanked.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Incidently, Wilde, I just read Dorian Grey last week.”
~ Mark Twain


“You read it drunk, I suppose.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Of course! I needed to be drunk. That book sucked. I mean, If I wasn't reading it drunk I think my head would have imploded.”
~ Mark Twain


“Hey! I'll have you know that that book is taught in high schools throughout the world!”
~ Oscar Wilde


“I remember when my professor introduced that book. He said, 'Class, this book is stupid and it sucks. I'm assigning it to you as torture. I'll expect a twenty page report next Friday.'”
~ Winston Churchill


“[Ahem!] I TOLD WINSTON THAT HIS BEHAVIOUR WAS UNBECOMING. HE WAS UNCOOPERATIVE.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“You threatened to kick me in the shin! Do you expect me to cooperate?”
~ Winston Churchill


“I POLITELY TOLD HIM THAT HE HAD BEST CEASE HIS BEHAVIOUR FOR HIS OWN BENEFIT. HE CONTINUED TO ACCOST THE INFANT, SO I TOOK APPROPRIATE ACTION.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“You call shooting at me with an AK-47 appropriate action!?”
~ Winston Churchill


“It was an M-16.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Well, at least he's patriotic. (Nice gun).”
~ Mark Twain


“I was in the process of subduing this dignified statesman, when Mark Twain showed up. He thought our situation absolutely hilarious, so he sat on a bench and laughed. Winston, then, kicked him in the shin.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“He deserved it.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Yeah, I kind of did.”
~ Mark Twain


“But you didn't expect me to be carrying an axe of dignity!
~ Mark Twain


“And then Mark Twain chopped Winston Churchill's head off.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“I got better.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Say, by the way, Wilde. What's the deal with all this 'behaviour' stuff. It's 'behavior,' you English bastard. Spell it right!”
~ Mark Twain


“-Ahem!- So there I was, me with nothing but my morals-”
~ Oscar Wilde


“-Don't forget Your gun.”
~ Mark Twain


“Me with nothing but my morals and insane Mark Twain, swinging an ax at me in blood-lust!”
~ Oscar Wilde


“I wouldn't call it bloodlust. I had a faint desire for a little blood, maybe.”
~ Mark Twain


“And he chopped my head off!”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Well you shot me in nose! You got better, but I still can't smell a thing!”
~ Mark Twain


“Wait I minute, Bob Dole wants in on this.”
~ Bob Dole


“Oh damn. Now he's here.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Escort Bob Dole away, Mark Twain!”
~ Winston Churchill


“AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!”
~ Mark Twain


[Mark Twain stumbles to the ground, thus failing his removal attempt, and in the accident chops his own head off}}

“I guess you shouldn't try that while you're drunk, huh Mark?”
~ Winston Churchill


“That's gotta hurt!”
~ Oscar Wilde


“What? so is he dead now?”
~ Bob Dole


“I'm afraid so.”
~ Winston Churchill


“That's a shame.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“No, wait! I'm okay!”
~ Mark Twain


“I thought you were dead, Mark!”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Stop being such a sockflobbit.”
~ Mark Twain


“I'll show you who's the sockflobbit, you axe-mad yank! Wilde force attack!”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Wait! Stop it! Bob Dole won't have this!”
~ Winston Churchill


“Yeah! Bob Dole won't have this!”
~ Bob Dole


“And what'll you do about it, Dole!”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Bob Dole is calling... Bill Clinton!”
~ ~Bob Dole


“Hi y'all.”
~ Bill Clinton


“Hi Bill”
~ Bob Dole


“So, y'all wants to fight, huh?”
~ Bill Clinton


“They do Bill”
~ Bob Dole


“And I'll bet y'all hate eachother's guts, right.”
~ Bill Clinton


“Sure do Bill.”
~ Bob Dole


“Well, whenever I find myself wanting to punch Oscar Wilde in the face, I like to sing a little song. It goes like this-"”
~ Bill Clinton


[Ring Ring]

“Uh huh, Uh huh. But Hillery I- Yeah, alright. Uh huh. Okay. Bye Bye.”
~ Bill Clinton


“Well, it looks like Buddy ate Socks. I probably should go.”
~ Bill Clinton


“Bye Bill.”
~ Bob Dole


“Bye Bob.”
~ Bill Clinton


...

“Now, where were we?”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Fighting! EEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
~ Mark Twain


“Wildeforce 9! Buzzsaw mode!”
~ Oscar Wilde


[Twenty seconds later]

“Egad! That was the most horrible bloodbath I've ever seen between two notable ninteenth century writers since the first time this happened!”
~ Winston Churchill


“Owwwwww...”
~ Oscar Wilde


“uuuuhhhhh...”
~ Mark Twain


“Uhh... wow.”
~ Bob Dole


“So, Bob Dole...”
~ Winston Churchill


“Yeah.”
~ Bob Dole


“Want to get a burger?”
~ Winston Churchill


“Yeah.”
~ Bob Dole


“Wait a minute. You guys haven't finished your testimony yet.”
~ Judge


“Oh right, that.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Well, Bob Dole's going to go get a burger anyway. See ya Churchill.”
~ Bob Dole


“Yeah, see you Bob.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Now, where was I?”
~ Winston Churchill


“Twain just chopped Wilde's head off.”
~ Judge


“Yes, Twain had just chopped Wilde's head off. And mine had grown back just in time to see Twain's victory dance.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Your What had just grown back?”
~ Judge


“My head.”
~ Winston Churchill


“Oh.”
~ Judge


"Anyway, Twain did this kind of a Salsa dance with a little bit of a Cha Cha twist and I thought the whole production looked rather feminine. An Oscar Wilde joke came to mind, but I didn't say it, because I feel I'm a better man than that.|Winston Churchill}}

“I see.”
~ Judge


“I observed that Mark Twain hadn't yet realized that my head had grown back, so I decided to surprise him with a mighty yell: 'EEEEAAAAAGGHHHHEEEEEAAAAGGGGGHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGG!'”
~ Winston Churchill


“Ohhhh...”
~ Oscar Wilde


“I can...just...barely...remember...that, because of all... the... searing pain... I'm experiencing... right now.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“So your head had grown back by this point too?”
~ Judge


“Of course.”
~ Winston Churchill


“So I screamed my mighty cry, and Mark Twain, in response, cried like a little girl.”
~ Winston Churchill


“I saw Oscar sneak up behind Twain, and crouch as if ready to trip him. So I pushed Mark Twain over Wilde into the fuming volcano below. His dying words were, 'Ham and eggs!'”
~ Winston Churchill


“I was hungry.”
~ Mark Twain


“But he's not dead. Actually, he's died two other times and he was dead just now, but he's still not dead!”
~ Judge


“You can't kill Mark Twain, judge. He's an immortal piece of Ninteenth Century Americana.
~ Winston Churchill


“That is so corny.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“And you two survived decapitation for similar reasons.”
~ Judge


“Naturally.”
~ Winston Churchill


“So why are you three in court, anyway?”
~ Judge


“Beats me, you're the one who-- Oh wait, I remember now. That was when the cops arrested us later, for trying to hijack that Ferrari.”
~ Winston Churchill


“You stole a car!?”
~ Judge


“Tried to.”
~ Winston Churchill


“We were all so drunk.”
~ Oscar Wilde


“Heh heh.”
~ Mark Twain


“And Bob Dole caught us.”
~ Winston Churchill


“He would.”
~ Judge


“He said, 'Bob Dole doesn't like Grand Theft Auto...'”
~ Winston Churchill


“I do, San Andreas was freakin' sweet!”
~ Mark Twain


...“Then he beat us all to a pulp with Dole-Jitsu, and brought us in here.”
~ Winston Churchill


...

“We're done now.”
~ Winston Churchill


...

“Well, having heard from all parties involved...”
~ Judge


“I deem you all insane, and condemn you to a life of editing Uncyclopedia 23 hours a day, and listening to William Shatner sing for the other hour.”
~ Judge


“And that's why Oscar Wilde has contributed so much to Uncyclopedia over the past 6 months.”
~ Bob Dole


“That, and the fact that he has to outdo Mark Twain, such childish behaviour.”
~ Winston Churchill


See Also

HowTo:Make up quotesTemplate:ArticleFH

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