“There is only one thing worse that being trapped in a narrow elevator device with the overweight, flatulent Milliband brothers. Being hung upside down from said elevator shaft, by the laces of one’s footwear, as the aforementioned Milliband brothers relieve themselves of their discomfort.”
Politicians, rock musicians and gourmands, David and Ed Milliband (better known to their tens of fans as ‘The Milliband’) have been at the forefront of British eating competitions for ten years now. Ed (1969-), born around the time of the release of The Beatles eponymous album, The Beatles (otherwise known as The Obesity Album) is thought by legend to have been conceived either to the track ‘Savoy Truffle’ or ‘Why Don’t We Do It On The Road’ (Fresh Road Kill), has been a dedicated politician from an early age.
His first words are thought to have been ‘bring me more toast’, although his parents, Milliband Milliband (or Milliband Senior to his friends) and Jane Asher insist it was ‘voting by post’. David (1965-), the long favoured older brother, was almost certainly conceived to The Beatles Revolver Track ‘Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a casserole dish at the dead of night’, was groomed from an early age for political greatness, until his brother stole the limelight and Labour Party leaderchip from underneath his nose in a shock, Red Rosette and Liquidised Cement Icing to Metropolitan Couscous and Fallafel Salad victory, at the 2010 Labour Party Eating Conference.
edit Early years
Inspired by the early success of their father lawyer, bon viveur and rock singer Milliband Milliband (No.1 across Venezuela with hits such as ‘Eight Steaks a Week’, ‘(Isn’t it Good?) Norwegian Food’, ‘I Ate the Walrus’ and ’Sick in the USSR’ before being sued by Apple Records for duping a whole load of South American Beatles lovers with a poor grasp of English), Ed and David developed a competitive and vicious interest in being rich, famous, well fed and getting one up over the other from an early age. This rivalry manifested itself when Milliband Milliband, blinded by his Latin American success, wanted to bestow his musical wisdom on his favoured elder son, David, but first of all asked him to make him his favourite soup (featuring every ingredient in the supermarket blended together). His mother, who favoured Ed, sent David on a wild-goose chase to gather prawns and bruschetta, from the local Harrod's food court, on the other side of the city while Ed and namesake Ed “the Bruiser” Balls ransacked the pie and mash shop and blended the contents together into Milliband Milliband’s soup. David went into a characteristic berserker rage and Ed had to spend the next twenty years in exile in a exclusive media internship. Treachery of this sort was a foretaste (or a sample) of things to come.
edit Musical 'Career'
The Milliband brothers later resolved their differences, after Ed wrestled with a local confecionary shop steward, known as Alan Johnson, down by the Embankment and, inspired by influential rock singer Anthony Wedgewood Linley Blair, the two went on to form brother-brother Oxford pop duet, ‘the Milliband’, along with Bruiser Balls (who later went on to frighten children by narrating a popular children’s television programme and being Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer) and Andy Burnham (who’s job was to stand still and look anonymous). However singles such as ‘Please Feed Me’ and ‘Eight Plates a Week’, failed to capture the magic of Milliband Senior’s career (the South American single buying public failed to see the charm in these singles and just thought the words were stupid).
And when Harriet Harman came along, she was thought (accurately as it turns out) to have been the Yoko Ono of the group and the brothers fell out once again. An embittered David, even achieved a modicum of chart success (top five in Taiwan ) with his song, ‘How Do You Eat At Night?’, reflecting on his experiences.
Later as the two brothers entered Westminster politics, having grafted hard in the soup kitchens of Millibank and Whitehall respectively, their differences were resolved once more as they became close allies of Prime Minister in waiting, Golden Brown. Both made their political differences known in the Westminister canteen, however, with David responsible for all the Tofu and Sushi shortage in the SW1 distict and Ed known to regularly dive head-first off Westminister Bridge and come out hours later with a mouth full of smoked kippers and fries..
When Golden Brown was ousted as UK Prime Minister, the leadership contest was in full flow and the greatest political betrayal since Brutus stole Caesar’s M+S finest stuffed olives occurred. Now leader of her Majesty’s UK official opposition, the Labour Party, Ed is the left-wring opponent to the Con-Dem government, who campaigns on the platform that all food should be nationalised and shipped to 10 Downing Street with an annual stipend of half a ham to be passed to the bruiser. Labour appears to have enjoyed a surge in popularity in the polls, in spite of these policies. David, oddly surprised by his brother’s betrayal, has recently obtained a passport. The World Food Organisation has failed to directly contradict suggestions by several NGO’s that this is directly related to global food shortages. One day soon, the quartet will be re-united and then David ‘Green Salad’ Cameron and Nick ‘El Paella’ should be quaking in their books because British politics and fridges will never be safe again. .
“Please serve tea butler, or I’ll beat you.”
“Calm down dear, it’s only a rotund failed pop singer, looking for his next meal, who may or may not resort to cannibalism.”
“I genuinely thought it was me who had eaten all the pies. Then I found the unused 60,000 capacity hall in the Scarborough Conference Centre filled with empty crust. At that point, I realised I hadn’t.”
“I can categorically state that, as Prime Minister, I have never had to question the loyalty of any of my Cabinet. I can leave my plate of potato salad unattended at any social gathering and never have to worry about it being filched.”
“WHO’S TAKEN THE FUCKING CANAPES? HAVE THOSE LITTLE GOBSHITES GOTTEN TO THE FRIDGE EVEN BEFORE THE FRENCH DELEGATION HAS ARRIVED?”
“It’s not so much a question of who ate all the pies, but who exhausted their ingredients and consumed all future agricultural means of production.”
“You tell me you’ve ate seven donughts and your cake has cream, but you can’t bake me, you can’t eat me. Yeah!”
“Strawberry fields. Nothing is left. But nothing to get hungry about. Strawberry jam forever.”
“Vote Tony, get all your children’s school dinners eaten by David and Ed Milliband.”
“Vote Conservative, and watch as Ken Clarke proceeds to hoover up all the crumbs from your carpet.”