The Men in Blood-Stained Overcoats Who Stay Out of Sight, Waiting For Just the Right Moment
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment, although vehemently denied by your psychologist, are indeed real. We at Uncyclopedia are here to calm your fears, and help prepare you for the inevitable.
It's interesting that you "stumbled over this article": Were you just searching for things relevant to your life? Did that stupid Random Page button drop you here? Did you just turn on your computer to find this page staring you in the face? Did a friend STRONGLY recommend that you look up "The Men in Blood-Stained Overcoats Who Stay Out of Sight, Waiting For Just the Right Moment" as soon as possible on a reputable wiki? Whatever the reason, it's clear: Someone... or someTHING...
"When Is It Safe?!"
It's not, and it never will be unless you buy Uncyclopedia-brand products at low, low prices. It'll never be safe until it's "the right moment," and even then, God knows what the fuck is gonna go down. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it! Oh lord, you'd better be ready for 'em. Whew, I'd hate to be in YOUR shoes.
The men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment, are not, as the name might suggest, happy-go-lucky folks who just want to play baseball with you and buy you ice cream cones, then take you to a bar, wine 'n' dine ya, and then marry you and have little blood-stained kids. This shit is REAL. Luckily, Uncyclopedia can help you... for a price.
Now, Uncyclopedia isn't some hasty, fly-by-night, paranoia-inducing website like some people might suggest. We're just doing our jobs, and preparing you for the worst thing imaginable. Don't let your damned psychologist get to you: he, like everyone else who isn't a writer on an online humor wiki, is working for the men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment.
The Right Moment
When will that moment arrive? Oh, I don't know, it could be RIGHT NOW!! Ha ha ha I'm only kidding slightly. It'll be when you're all alone, totally defenseless, and horrified. That'll come sooner than you think. ...well, of course it will, or it wouldn't be "just the right moment". I guess you could prolong the inevitable by buying a few Uncyclopedia approved household items, but you're too big for that, aren't you? Yeah. I thought you might think that.
The right moment will take all the worst elements of your birthdays, your anniversaries, and your Christmases, and throw them all together in a horrible, horrible package, wrapped in horrible, horrible wrapping paper. Seriously, it'll be the worst party you've ever had... well, the part you'll be awake for, anyway. Oh, and the part you're alive for.
Look, there are a lot of events planned: all very complicated. It'll be like the Olympics of (yes, we even bother to delete the things we censor. It's kinda thankless, isn't it? Oh well, the Uncyclomedia Paranoid Foundation doesn't pay us for writing this anyway.) until there's absolutely nothing left but a few half-eaten fingers and eyeballs, and the 400 pound hooker. If you want to know specifically what happens, you'll have to avoid buying our amazing, bargain-basement priced Uncyclopedia merchandise until next Wednesday.
"When Should I Be Frightened?!"
Basically all the time. Yes, all the time. I'm looking at my calender... let's see, you'll be saaaffeee... never. Let's review the facts: The men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment obviously exist, or else we wouldn't have bothered writing an article
devoted to them about them, right? Also, they seem pretty badass, seeing as how their overcoats are bloodstained. If their overcoats weren't bloodstained, they wouldn't seem as big a threat now would they? Ho ho ho, of course not!
Along the same lines, they must be very well organized or else they wouldn't be very good at staying out of sight, now would they? They're a big group, these bastards: Probably armed with all sortsa crazy weapons and such. That's what they said over the phone, anyway.
Credentials of the Men in Blood-Stained Overcoats Who Stay Out of Sight, Waiting For Just the Right Moment
You know, when I think of men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment, I don't think of a bunch of pussies in pink tu-tus dancing around in a field of oversized sunflowers, granting wishes and farting sunshine. I think of a bunch of cold-blooded supernatural psychos who want nothing more than to... well, you'll find out next Wednesday.
They're all riding whatever animal it is that you're afraid of over to your house right now for round-the-clock monitoring, according to my Uncyclopedia-issued Bad-Guy-Radar™. You know, it's too bad that the special on Uncyclopedia Gold will only last a few more days, because those psychos are bringing over their special instruments right now, getting ready for the "right moment".
"Where Are They?!"
Well, that depends on your membership level.
If you join Uncyclopedia Silver for just $5.00/month, we can keep them at bay for a few days out of every month, or, if you're so inclined, we can keep them out of certain parts of your house with a minimum of hassle to yourself. Have you ever had the feeling that someone is watching you in the bathroom, or watching you sleep? You can at least get a few hours peace a day for just $5.00/month.
Now, Uncyclopedia Gold is a whole new bag of pickles. For just $50.00/month, Uncyclopedia can keep your home 90% thoroughly clear of the men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment. By doing a clean sweep of your house and confiscating anything of value that the men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment, might desire. Our professional team will be of minimal hassle to your family every Monday when they barge in.
Of course, you could always just rely on your own sense of intuition and survival skills, but that may be a problem, considering you're a fat sack of human garbage. ...uh, I didn't say it, it was the computers: they're VERY up to date.
"What Do I Do?!"
Calm down, man, calm down, shhh, shhh, it's okay, it's okay, shhh: THERE'S ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
When you were younger, you could've used your handy tinfoil hat to block their mind-scanning machines, but they've gotten wise to your little tricks. If you join Uncyclopedia Platinum for $200.00/month, our state-of-the-art tinfoil hats can save you a lot of "hassle" in the long run.
Uncyclopedia Tin-Foil Hats™ can cost upwards of one thousand dollars depending on your Uncyclopedia-approved doctor. But for a limited time only, your Platinum Membership Card will be imbued with the same, mind-wave blocking powers in our finest hats.
Where's Your God Now?
If you don't like that plan, there's always toughing it out alone in your house after dark. That's gone well for you in the past, right? It's not like "the right moment" could happen when you're all alone and unprotected, right? Or why don't you pray to your false, weak Christian God? That's worked well in the past, considering you're 80 pounds overweight and still work the night shift at Burger King! I'm sure that your false God will come through for you this time, and somehow stop the men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment with his MaGiCaL PoWeRs!!!
Ha ha ha, I'm just pullin' yer leg: YOUR GOD IS A LIE.
Other stuff the Men in Blood-Stained Overcoats Who Stay Out of Sight, Waiting For Just the Right Moment, want you to buy
There's a bunch of good products on the market right now, if you just stop to look around. Welch's and Smuckers, neither of which has not given a single red cent to Uncyclopedia, are prime targets for the men in blood-stained overcoats. Don't buy 'em. That would be just like inviting the men in blood-stained overcoats over to your home for dinner while blindfolded... and, uh, strapped to a chair or something crazy like that.
Instead, why not try a Sausage Butty Batter Nugget? Each one is lovingly hand tossed over an open flame, and massaged by licensed chiropractors until it's a golden
brown green. Afterwards, each one is blessed by a hand-picked Uncyclopedia user to the highest quality of warding off the men in blood-stained overcoats. Trust us, when next Wednesday rolls around, you'll be on your knees thanking us.
Before next Wednesday rolls around, why don't you buy a classic Uncyclopedia T-shirt? Advertise to your friends that you spend a lot of time writing funny shit! For only 25 bucks plus S/H, you could become one of the few, the proud: the unstalked by men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment. Ooooorrr, you could just sit on your hands until next Wednesday. I'm sure that nothing'll happen!
Are you a fan of children's novels? No? Well, you're lucky, because My First Necronomicon is definitely NOT for children who are too weak to hear the truth. You know, when we at the Uncyclomedia Paranoid Foundation asked the men in blood stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment, what they read on a regular basis, you know what they said? That's right, the delectible classic, My First Necronomicon. They said it keeps them focused: that and the dartboard they made out of a photo they got of your face in their living room. They even read it while sharpening their chainsaws! Now THAT'S commitment, and it can be yours for only $40 +S/H!
Other sponsors of the men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment, are Lysol: "Kill the mutherfucking germs!!!" and the Traditional Values Organization, a subsidiary of the Republimegacorp Foundation.
It's OK to let your guard down!
...even for a second! I'm sure that, while you stopped paying attention to them, the men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment, stopped stalking you and settled down for a little tea party.
Yeah, that's it. They all took off their heavy, blood-soaked black overcoats and sat down with stuffed animals for a tea party in the park. They put on their finest summer-hats and giggled as they told their favorite anecdotes to their little furry friends. Afterwards, they all packed up their things and went to church, where they hung around your sweet little gramma and talked up a storm about you!
Then they went to God Camp and learned about forgiveness, and decided that you're not such a bad guy after all, even though you didn't buy a single product of ours. In fact, they even conveniently forgot about that time you put the Uncyc shirt in your shopping cart and left the website without purchasing it! After camp let out for the summer, they got scooped up by the Care Bears and led off on a beautiful rainbow to happyland, where they now reside, singing and playing amongst the forest animals and spreading peace and justice throughout the galaxy in gay, pink little tu-tu's.
Ho ho ho, I'm kidding, of course: YOU ARE IN MORTAL DANGER.
"What'd I Do To Deserve This?!"
Oh, it's not what you did, it's what you didn't do. Hmmm, that could've been written better. The point is that, either because you just couldn't behave when your mother asked you to, or because you back-talked when dad told you to rake the yard, the men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment, turned their full attention to you and your loved ones.
It's a shame you won't be around much longer to appreciate how lucky you are. It seems paradoxical at first, but you are soooo lucky. Not everyone is stalked night and day by a frightening, multi-national cadre of supernatural assassins. Maybe you shouldn't join Uncyclopedia Platinum just to see what happens? I mean, safety is overrated, right? Who wants to be safe, when you could be living on the edge: stalked endlessly by tireless men in blood-stained overcoats who stay out of sight, waiting for jjjuuuuuust the right moment?