Haruhi Suzumiya
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- This article is about the Japanese reality television show. For the religion based on the television show, see Haruhiism.
| Haruhi Suzumiya | |
| |
| 45th President of the United States | |
| Incumbent | |
| Assumed office | |
| January 2013 | |
| Vice President | God |
|---|---|
| Preceded by | Barack Obama |
| Born | April 7, 1957 (52) San Francisco California |
| Birth name | Haruhi Mikuru Suzumiya |
| Nationality | Japanese-American |
| Political party | Haruhiism(she makes her OWN parties) |
| Children | Kagami Suzumiya, Tsukasa Suzumiya |
| Nationality | Japanese-American |
| Profession | Attorney, Professor, Author, Politician, Actress |
| Religion | Haruhiism |
| Signature | 
|
Haruhi Mikuru Suzumiya (born April 7, 1957) Haruhi Suzumiya is the crazy girl and actress who played the leading role as herself in The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya and founder and former leader of the SOS Brigade.
Suzumiya is a graduate from Harvard Law School. Followed by her graduation, she practiced criminal law from 1990 - 1999. Following her unsuccessful bid for the united states senate seat, Haruhi Suzumiya went into acting, as to where the anime started. Her crazy face means a lot to the American people. It means she will fix the economic crisis and repair Washington once in for all. Most people thought Suzumiya was only 18 but as her real age was revealed during her presidential campaign when she was 51 years old, she is now 52 as of April 7, 2013.
President Suzumiya plans to keep Guantanamo Bay open until the inmate conflict is resolved. Haruhi plans to open SOS programs for people on drugs like her daughter Kagami and lucky star girl Konata. The program will issue anything you need for hardship. It is in major debate as Vice President Barack Obama disagrees with Haruhi's program. They've even scream in eachothers faces over the matter. Haruhi believes it will help people that are unable to work and provide, or unable to get off drugs on their own.
Before Haruhi became president, she was not only the leader of the SOS Brigade, but she was the queen of butt sex. She taught Mikuru many, many, nasty butt tricks like butt drunk, or butt smoking, even butt cumming. She even forced Kyon to stick it in Mikuru's ass. While she taught Yuki Nagato to have fun butt sexing Mikuru, she made Yuki Nagato the leader of the SOS Brigade.
President Haruhi Suzumiya, and 4 years of her, imagine what the the great county of the United States of America would become in that due time? While Obama just wondering what would happen to this country, he thinks about killing her by shooting her in the head because he is jealous that she singlehandedly pressured Hugo Chavez to give up, the crazed president of Iran to shut up, stopped North Korea from developing long-range missiles somehow, fix the economy and create a better health care and make General Motors profitable, which is something that Obama has failed to do.
Contents |
[edit] The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
[edit] Kyon
A boy who lied on his application and is not supernatural in any way ever. He only survived because Haruhi, God, wanted to get in his pants. He keeps pictures of Mikuru in a maid outfit saved on his computer, which he masturbates to every day.
[edit] Yuki Nagato
[edit] Mikuru Asahina
A whiny time traveler who never does anything, and is constantly molested by Haruhi. This is somewhat frightening considering Suzumiya's status as God.
She failed every challenge, except for the first, a tea brewing contest. If she wasn't killed so Mawi the basics of time warping and caused more trouble for the future. She is the only person in the universe able to use what is known as the "Mikuru Beam", an extremely powerful beam that Mikuru shoots from her left eye, with an average intensity of 5.65*10^55 eV.
[edit] Itsuki Koizumi
Itsuki is a homosexual psychic from an alleged agency of homosexual psychics who has the ability to fly around in menstrual blood to kill giant things and prevent the world from becoming emo. He is constantly smiling because is totally flaming gay, hence, a gay gay.
[edit] Other cast
[edit] Ryoko Asakura
[edit] Kyon's Sister
She appears to be Kyon's sister, however she is not actually related to him in any way. She lives in the same house as Kyon, and is frequently seen entering his bedroom while he is in bed. Kyon never has sex with her because he thinks she is his sister. She has the same super powers as Kyon (i.e. none), but is very different from him, as Kyon's Sister is her actual name, and Kyon is just what Haruhi decided to call him. It is quite likely that Kyon is known as Kyon because his sister's name is Kyon's Sister. She appears to be the only one feeding Kyon's magical cat.
[edit] Shamisen
Little is known about Kyon's cat, other than the fact that he can talk, and is the only one that Yuki has opened herself up to. It appears that he is actually an alien, that has been living on earth for no apparent reason. He thinks of Yuki as a senpai, despite the fact that he is much older than Yuki. Also the only character that Haruhi has shown no interest in having sex with, so she killed him and used his innards for the strings on her guitar.
[edit] Computer Club President
A nerd who can't get a life. He sometimes turns into a giant cricket and has attempted to rape Mikuru (Who hasn't?). He likes yelling the word contest and is subsequently Falcon Kicked by Haruhi. He also was forced to giving up the Computer Clubs best computer, because Haruhi made his hand touch Asahina's sweet boob. He seems to love playing Yu-Gi-Oh! along with Bakugan Battle Brawlers. If his altercation with Haruhi was written like a Shakespearean comedy, here's what this exchange between one of his comrades and Haruhi would be:
- COMPUTER CLUB MEMBER: An' we be witnesses for our good sir--
- HARUHI SUZUMIYA: Then I'll tell all the whole club gang-raped her!
[edit] Taniguchi and Kunikida
No one cares about them. No one even knows what their names are. Which makes me really wonder why the hell I know their names. Well, they were best friends with Kyon until they turned into zombies.
[edit] Tsuruya
Some sort of vampire or something. Her family got super-rich off the drug market and could afford many drug storage houses disguised as villas in mountains. Her green hair is filled with chloroplasts, giving her an unlimited amount of energy in the sunlight. Experts have pointed out the contradictions that arise, since Tsuruya is a vampire and vampires hate sunlight. We can only assume Tsuruya is a new, more powerful breed of vampire that can survive sunlight and garlic, and is coming to get you.
[edit] Episode order
In post-production, some idiot mislabeled the tapes with the episodes, so nobody knows which order they were supposed to be aired in. Hours of analysis by dedicated and girlfriend-less fanboys has yielded the following information about what the true episode order is supposed to be:
- The first episode is obviously the eleventh. If you didn't know that, you're an idiot.
- The second episode is actually the 14th episode.
- Episode three is either the fourth one or the 30th.
- Episode four equal to the intensity of Mikuru's eye-beam divided by the number of times kyon has accidentally walked into a bad situation
- Episode five is also the second episode.
- Episode six is actually episode 3+5i.
- Episode fifteen is a lie.
- Episode seven is actually equal to pi times the radius squared, where r is the number of the previous episode just watched.
- The last episode proves that the show never really happened.
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