Meaning of life

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Though the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have created an article called Meaning of life, it's extremely unlikely you'll find the meaning of life in there.

The Meaning of Life

People believe in many answers to "what is the meaning of life?" The following is a list of propositions for the meaning of life:

  • ...to procreate and have Greek incestuous orgies.
  • ...to reprove instruction.
  • ...to eat pizza and buy as many lava lamps as possible.
  • ...to reach the highest level.
  • ...to catch 'em all.
  • ...to be the very best that no one ever was.
  • ...to get epic phat lewt.
  • ...to become the chosen one and tell Gretzky you stole his spot
  • ...to throw a bagel party.
  • ...to eat the bagels at the bagel party.
  • ...to praise Raptor Jesus, for he went extinct for your sins.
  • ...to praise the great Flying Spaghetti Monster and hope to be touched by His Noodly Appendage.
  • ...to slay the mightiest dragon in the darkest of all dungeons.
  • ...to gain complete control over reality using Garry's Mod.
  • ...to acquire as much material wealth, sleep with as many attractive women, and acquire as much power as possible.
  • ...to be or not to be; but choose wisely.
  • ...to lick your elbow. Yeah, just cut your arm off and lick it, then you will have finally achieved something in your miserable life.
  • ...to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.
  • ...to possess peace, love, joy, and all others' base.
  • ...to eat all the pies.
  • ...to pronounce "*".
  • ...to know the meaning of life.
  • ...Chicken McNuggets, and some fries with that.
  • ...to find out what the hell we've got a spleen for.
  • ...to find an exception to rule 34; or prove that there are no exceptions.
  • ...to eat your face.
  • ...to finish a game of Monopoly, with savings!
  • ...to sleep with your gran.
  • ...the condition which distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic objects and dead organisms.
  • ...to follow word-for-word the scriptural teachings of a religious doctrine, and (Just like in SHIPWRECKED) get as many other people to join your religion's 'team' as possible. When the Apocalypse comes (The next one's in 2012) the team (religion) with the most members/followers wins, and become God's chosen children who will live in paradise forever. Everyone else will burn in eternal damnation.
  • ...to hunt down gypsies and poke them with a stick. If there are no gypsies available, just about anyone you don't like can be used as an alternative substitute.
  • ...to watch Noddy, and survive.
  • ...to rid the world of fax machines and the people operating them.
  • ...to eat as much cake as possible.
  • ...to see as many semi or fully naked women as possible.
  • ...to find the holy pie of truth.
  • ...to have as many fictional friends as possible.
  • ...to fuck an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters.
  • ...to have so much sex your dick falls off.
  • ...is not this.
  • ...to find out what the point of "Lost" is

Money

Money, while not the scientifically definitive meaning of life, is certainly the most widely accepted substitute. Money is the drive behind such wonders of human achievement as wars, religions, and pie (Apple pie has recently publicly decried any connection with money - an investigation by members of the UN is underway). Money is also Time, hence Time is money, which gets a little confusing, since this postulates that everything equal to Money is actually made of Time. Some people have speculated either that happiness and money are the same (within the limits of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle), or that happiness and money have nothing to do with each other (being non-zero parameters of a chaotic system), and others have noted that money cannot buy happiness outright, (but rental rates start at a reasonable figure). These people are spending too much time philosomophizing, and should devote more of it to making money. It is completely acceptable to philosomophize on the meaning of pie, however.

It has been hypothesized that money is not the answer to the meaning of life but is, in fact, the root of all evil. Others have speculated that, indeed, lack of money is the root of all evil. This is merely clap-trap made up by people who don't have any. The challenge that "money kills people" is easily dismissed by the fact that "money doesn't kill people, poverty kills people."

Using the first hypothesis, all women have been proven to be pure evil. Women take time and money. Time is money(as stated before), so therefore women are money times money. Money is the root of all evil, so women equal the root of all evil multiplied by itself, or simply evil.

Education

While money, happiness, & pie have all driven people--and their wallets--to the point of no return, some (mainly scholars and those who didn't have the time of their life during high school) believe the meaning of life is to prepare us for another life. Only this time, our success will depend on what we learn and what experiences we sacrifice for the propelling of learning. This is, of course, crap written by a couple of very angsty and deprived teens.

Love

Though widely discredited as an invention of Hollywood and The Beatles, "love" is actually considered by some jerks to be a "real" human emotion capable "of" bonding the whole universe. However much bullshit this so-called "love" may be, it has gained a following in some religious circles, who preach to "love thy neighbor" and pray to "the Loving One." These are mostly small groups that you've never heard of, so don't worry your pretty little head about it.

Aglets (the plastic things at the end of your shoelace)

One of the few theories with scientific merit is that the plastic things at the end of your shoelace, also called Aglets, are a vital part to our existence, as many would argue. We believe that inside the modest shoelace contains an impossibly powerful bomb, capable of blowing The Universe into bite-sized chunks (tasty with BBQ sauce). This theory was proven by sir Shoelaceobsesser Von David the Third, while he was mowing his lawn. He noticed that his shoelaces were about to be destroyed by his evil and horribly poorly built lawn mower, but they were saved because his shoes had extremely cool Silver Aglets. Later, when he shared this information with his colleagues, they considered the idea completely heinous and illogical. Therefore, using the Alternate Inverse of Reality Postulate, it has been proven that Aglets are essential and vital, as well as important, especially when they are Silver.

Battlestar Galactica

The recent updated version of the popular television show may in fact be the true meaning of life; everything from the tall hot blond to the crazy little asian brobot. Executive producer Ron Moore is quoted as saying, "I'm not just trying to create a show here, I am trying to create the meaning of life. We are going to have tall blond hypersexual robots that look like humans, and shorter crazy hypersexual asian robots who look like humans, there will be explosions, booze. Meaning of life."

Cornflakes

The Knights who say Ni are currently debating over wheather The Great and Almighty Shrubbery is the Meaning of Life, or wheather it is 42, or wheather it is Cornflakes. A Shertain Shcottish Shpy complies with the "Cornflake Theory:"

"Cornflakesh ish shurley the Meaning of Life, ash it wash, ish, and alwaysh will be there, shtanding in the cereal ishle necksht to the Froshted Flakesh."

The Meaning of Life timeline II:The timeline returns

  • 22 October 2006 Group Of Democrats for Finding Out the Meaning Of Life (GODFOMOL) begins.
  • 23 October 2006 GODFOMOL sends White House its records. Some include Black Eyed Peas.
  • 24 October 2006 GODFOMOL sends White House the meaning of life.
  • 26 October 2006 The letter was a fake. Unfortunately, George Bush's head was already in Bill Clinton's butt.

The Dalai Lama

As the leader of the Tibetan people and moderately successful sideman to James Brown, The Dalai Lama once claimed to hold the truth to the meaning of life. However, this wise and jazzy man's theory was later discredited when it was revealed that he had lied about his identity and was proven to in fact be an alpaca.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations and above all, avoid the salmon mousse.

This, of course, is absolute rubbish.

OJ Simpson

"your mum is dead. I'm sorry. Look if there's anything I can do here's my card....you can call me Daddy.

Dominoes

Basically every human is connected like a set of dominoes, every breath you take affects some thing else. You are as important as a rock, that rock is as important as the planet Mars, and Mars is as important as a cow named Pete (and that cow is as important as the meaning of life). However because the universe is huge and all, you only affect Earth, and Earth is as important as.... absolutely nothing. The other bad thing about this is that every thing affects you, so basically every thought you have is just from other people, so you have no free will, fate controls every thing. So think of the universe as a bunch of domino sets, in the "Earth" set a rock domino is the same as a tree domino and a king domino, but like other domino sets, you can predict the fate of all the dominoes.

Reproduction

Your dad got it on with your mom thus there you are. Fnord. What, you want more details? Okay let's go. Insert part A ( long sausage thing) in to extension slot B (hole). Vibrate, then put in the air to cool down for 9 months or so. Raise the little bugger when it's growing up and then you should have a perfect little pet, after at least 7 scoldings a year. Fnord.

Pet Cats

Cats should be pet every moment of every day. If you see a cat that is not being pet, there is something wrong here and the universe is about to cave in on itself. It's okay though, it is so easy for you to perform your godly service and pet that cat till he or she is satisfied. What do you mean there has to be more to life then this? Obviously you've never met a cat before. People think walking dogs is more important, but the truth is, dogs don't like being walked. It's true. Have you ever asked your dog if he really enjoys those little trips? What do you mean you think he enjoys it? Listen, just...SHUT UP and pet a damn cat. At least someone will be happy for a few minutes.

Trapping A Mouse

It was found out on September 5th, 2008, that trapping a mouse was the key to everything. It was thus proven by this formula.

Trap(Mouse) = Key to Everything

Oscar Wilde on the meaning of life

“Well in my opinion the meaning of life is to write one or two good poems and get as much bum as one can”

Does this text reveal anything about the meaning of life? Maybe, but even if it does, it's probably like way too profound for you to understand.

So you're looking for the meaning of life and you think you'll find it here.
For long you must have been pondering the typical age-old question
WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?!

But before we get to the issue of the meaning of life, we must first consider several other questions.

Why do you want to know the meaning to life?

Probably because, you suck. Hey, don't act like I should care. In a society like this one, it's completely delusional to expect a thing like that. Does this mean you should give up right away? Not unless you really want to. I don't care what you do anyway, it's your obligation choice. Now, let's move along to the more important stuff, as you seem to be very determined to discover the meaning of life.

Are you ready for the meaning of life?

What if some Deus ex Machina suddenly appeared out of nowhere and told you the meaning of life, would you be ready for it? Probably not. Even if you would be able to comprehend even the littlest bit of the meaning of life, it would most likely be too much to bear, and lead to an occurrence of Sudden Instant Death Syndrome. And in the case you survive by some kind of miraculous coincidence, you would probably misinterpret it none the less.

Is it even possible to discover the meaning of life?

Sure, if some divine entity lowered itself to your pathetic level and revealed it, you'd know the meaning of life, but what are the odds of that actually happening? Seriously though, is there a way to discover the meaning of life without divine intervention? Science has so far succeeded in absolutely not discovering the meaning of life, and we shouldn't expect it to do so anytime soon. Religion offers some views, though they tend to be highly paradoxical. Maybe through deductive reasoning, but that doesn't seem to be an option for you. You simply lack the required insight and understanding of the workings of reality.

What to do now?

So maybe you'll never discover the meaning of life, in the present situation it's the most realistic prospect. In fact, we shouldn't bother looking for it anyway. It's far more beneficial to just assume that your life is in some way meaningful, than to be completely obsessed with finding the meaning of life. It's not even so strange to think that we require to be lacking in knowledge of the meaning of life, as otherwise some heavenly being should have exposed it long ago. If one believes a reason is needed to live, then the belief that it must be so is reason enough on its own to believe that life is meaningful, there's no need for a further explanation of the exact meaning. And now it's about time you get a life or get lost.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the meaning of life is rather elusive and open to interpretation and shouldn't be bothered with. However, an even more absurd philosophy was recently discovered, The Meaning of Death, though I'm not really sure it's worth all the trouble. As it turns out, it's a waste of time as well and it, in turn, caused many people to tell philosophers "next time you want to know the meaning of something, read a bloody dictionary!"

A Retrospective: How the concept of the meaning of life relates to one's status in modern society

What the fuck is wrong with people asking what the meaning of life is?

They're pathetic losers, or asking too many stupid questions, probably both.

What the fuck is wrong with people saying that life has no meaning?

They're cynical know-it-all bastards.

What the fuck is wrong with people claiming to know what the meaning of life is?

They're wrong, horribly wrong... and delusional.

How can one take advantage of this situation?

Use commonly held truths and simple reasoning to support your own opinion. Describe everything not corresponding with your opinion as being doubtful, inaccurate, too simplistic or irrelevant. If you can convincingly explain why, describe such positions as being utterly false, completely absurd and simply ignoring the real issue.

But make sure your own position has the potential of becoming popular or is already widely supported. And try to come over as tolerant to some alternative beliefs, but intolerant to the people who interpret such beliefs to support terrorism or some otherwise unpopular spare-time occupation.

Then, when you've gained some respect and proved your sincerity, you can start claiming that you can "make a difference", that you will "make it right", that you'll bring "the change everybody's been hoping for", and all that quasi-messianic "saving the world" stuff. And if you don't make too many mistakes, you can end up as the leader of some important organization (like the government of your nation or somekind of religion).

However, you would probably need a lot of luck to actually pull that off, especially with all those blatantly unrealistic expectations you'd be creating.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm sorry, I don't know. See your mom.

In the end

If you still haven't realised what the meaning of life is, maybe you should look it up in a dictionary, and possibly take some time to think it over and look for some help.

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