The Lord of the Rings

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This article is about the motion picture Lord of the Rings. For the musical Lord of the Rings, please see a trained psychiatric professional.

This article is about Gandalf as he appears in 'The Lord of The Rings'. For an indepth exploration of the character see Woden.

Words to live by.

The Lord of the Ping is a long ass story written about tiny foreign people trying to solve an IT related problem and taking way too long to do it when they simply could have gotten those giant eagles they had hiding the whole story, flown over the volcano and dropped the ring in and saved a lot of hassle. But since the short foreign people took so long to destroy the ring, there was a lot of cool fighting that went on, why else bother to watch it? Although the storyline does not depend on the fighting all that much, it did make for a good Hollywood Film, thus immortalizing Tolkien's writing as the book which went on to be the base of the worst greatest movies of all time.

[edit] About the book

True Lord of the Rings story in all its CGI glory.

The Lord of the Rings is a series of brilliant novels by J. R. R. Tolkien, who was the best writer in the history of mankind. It lay in virtual obscurity until 1995, when someone or other (no relation) found it hiding on his bookshelf and thought: No! I'll make a movie out of this!!. It has been called one of the greatest classics but isn't, it's in a league of its own. Not many people have actually read the book, because it’s designed for people who have an IQ higher than 10, which is to say 5% of the world population. Because of this most people have only seen the movie and have admitted its amazingness. The only people who say it's not good are star-wars fans, who, to be honest, are either American or are Shit brainless sodomised dickheads (if there's even a difference). The main purpose of the book is to encourage young children to ride horses, try to find rings in caves, and spend their free time slaying orcs and uruk-hai (which strangely resemble black people).

Gandalf the Grey To most people just "Gandalf" or "G" or "G-Man" or "Dat Grey Guy". A high-level mechanic. He has totally maxed out his mage level, as well as his Favored soul level but needs to work on his mining. Complete Pwner in the wildy, owns most archers or anyone with scimmys in about five seconds. He possesses Glamdring, a +5 sword of Goblin beat-down, and a AAA staff of luminescence (batteries not included). Killed by Snape in book 6. He is later reincarnated as Gandalf the White, but sails off over the Sea at the end for no obvious reason. Due to his insane masturbation, he became Gandalf the white, even Zezima couldn't take him down.
Sam The coolest character, he is charged with delivering the ring to Middle Earth. Unfortunetly, Frodo got pissed off with him until Sam made him the main character.
'Frodo Baggins (Faggins) A total loser who's always getting his ass in trouble. Sam always saves him. At the end, Frodo becames seduced by the rings power, and is thrown off the edge of the Cracks of Doom Sam who is sick of Frodo falling over, going white in the face, dribbling,getting wrapped up in webs and being nice to small bald creatures.
Listarine
Saruman the White - KKK A power-mad, white supremacist (see republican), wizard, founder of the KKK included in the series because scientists were so obviously not an option. Becomes a dick (see democrat) halfway through the first book and decides to build his own orc army but gets defeated halfway through the second book, gets his staff broken and goes off to be gay with his servant Wormtongue.
Two Unknown Blue Istari went East, and are the by-product of Tolkien running out of colors but REALLY liking the number "5".
Radagast Tha Noob He could talk to birds, and was morbidly obese. The founder of Mordor Fried Eagle.

[edit] Elves

The Elder was Elves, lived in the West and the North and they all pwn with twin swords and bows and arrows. Live forever. They are also of pure Russian blood, and, while being much fond of writing songs about how good they are, they secretly resort to genocides every now and then.

Elrond Hubbard.

Legless Also known as Legolas (Translation: He-With-No-Eggo). Walks on snow. Sinks in water. Can shoot five arrows per second and really hates orcs. Likes hair products and lives in a huge forest called Mirkwood. Has a secret urging for the Sea for some unfathomable reason. Totally pwns anyone he dosen't like in the books and movies, but somehow manages to stay on the sidelines while the wimp Frodo goes and falls over on a rocky slope somewhere.

Agent Elrond Also known as Elf-Lord Smith, Elrond Hubbard, Steve Howe, Eyebrows, or "V". An eternally pissed off and annoying unsavory bastard hybrid who really, really, really thinks he is a wise-guy. He also has amazing powers and has spoken to Xenu. His most famous quote is, "Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson." Likes watching darts on TV, eating hotdogs, and leading massive Elven armies into Mordor. Hangs out in Rivendell which is like da coolest party place eva.

Galadriel She's single and ready. She freaks out when given coffee or when short little men hold up magical rings in her face. Her daughter, Celebrian, was an accidental child. When Galadriel was 15 she met Celeborn at a neighborhood party and shortly after a few drinks of mead she found herself in a closet with him. Lives in Lothlorien at the top of a tree, is liked by everyone who meets her and is referred to as the Evil Sorceress in the Wood by everyone else.

Arwen Amazingly, incredibly hot. Obsessed with Aragorn. Tends to let him 'glide in'. Now lives in Minas Tirith like everyone else.

Figwit An elf who was first sighted in the Council of Elrond. An elf of few words he is widely regarded to be the most gorgeous, stunning, enigmatic, hypnotic, stupendous and captivating elf in Middle Earth. Figwit stands for "Frodo is grea...who is THAT?!? When Frodo says "I will take it!" (i.e. The Ring), we are so impressed we start to think “Frodo is great!" But before we finish, the camera pans and we see Figwit, smoldering enigmatically in the background. All other thoughts are whisked away by that elf - who is THAT?! He's gorgeous!

Slutolas Although Slutolas is not seen in the movie, in the X rated version she is the prostitute that fucked Lego before he left the Elv city

[edit] Men & Women

Aragorn Also known as 'Strider'. A mysterious man who likes dirty clothes and sleeping in the woods. He also smells horrible because he doesn't take baths for months in the woods. Fancies pretty ladies,Arwen was the best. A lonely soul, is in fact the king of Gondor. Looks very confused when being told that "They are taking the hobbits to Asia". His hobbies include stabbing orcs in the face and speaking grimly.
Tom Bombadil (AKA Tom-Bom-Happy-Tom-Dom-Bom-Badilo) The best character, like some kind of dope character, he loves weed and magical-fairy mushrooms (magic mushrooms). he lives with a strange blond elf girl who he found sitting naked in a river. The oldest thing ever.
Boromir One mean bastard no one likes. His father is the steward of Gondor, which is the reason why Boromir dislikes Aragorn, the legal king of Gondor who is coming to put his dad and him out of a job. Boromir tries to take the ring, then suddenly regrets it, gets attacked by orcs and dies. "Damn karma", were told be his last words. Sadly he didn't have time to convert to Hinduism or listen to any songs by John Lennon at that point. He gets to save a few hobbits and make peace with Aragorn before dying, so guess it wasn't such a bad case then.
Denethor The morbid and strange father of Boromir. He was a nerd of that time, but instead of the internet he used the Palantír, magic balls taken from Sauron. When the forces of Mordor came up to Minas Tirith he then stopped stuffing his face and set himself and Faramir on fire, though Faramir managed to do a double backflip at the last moment and managed to save himself, though not his father because he was an asshole. He enjoyed sitting on a stone throne while his children died pointless deaths. Once all of his kids died, he became depressed and crazy. He was sent to a mental hospital. During his stay, he changed hisname to the gayest name of all, Walter.Somehow, he became super smart and some other smart guy that claimed to be his son made him go fight super smart terrorists for the government. He has yet to kill his son, but don't worry, he is trying to.
Éowyn A hot girl who's far more interested in war than sucking dick and pleasing her future husband. She secretly lusts after Aragorn, but when he turns her away, she goes emo and rides to war dressed as a man. She does a great deed no man could do, stabbing the Wraith King with a mace in the face (wow that rhymed) - the main servant of Sauron. LOTR does seem to have an obsession with stabbing in the face, which is possibly the most painful thing imaginable.
Treebeard A tree that moves and speaks in a reaaaallllly low voice.

[edit] The Bad Guys With Big Swords and Stuff

An Orcmerican.

Red Head|Anyone With Red Hair These were the orcs they are angry and ugly and are highly reactive to light and do not look to good on fire

Lurtz The biggest badass around! Only when he becomes level 3 and gets carnage. HA NO MORE GONDOR HORN FOR YOU BOROMIR!

Haradrim a group of circus freaks with spears. I dont know what the hell they feed there elephants to make them so big but have tiny penises. Probably steroids.

Sauron The bad guy of the story. He used to be a great dark lord, but then that damn Isildur came and cut off his finger. This itself only caused him severe confusion, for he had terrible pain in his finger that was no longer there, but the loss of the ring that was in that finger was what made him lose his power (it was a pretty ring!). After moaning for his ring for few thousand years he started to gather an army. He didn't have a normal physical form, instead he showed himself as a massive eye, which is not personally the form I'd choose. Probably a massive raping lizard would be better.

Ring Wraiths The Ring Wraiths were once kings of men, however Sauron managed to trick them into becoming ghosts by giving them all rings. Now they ride about on horses or dragons searching endlessly for the Ring, and shanking random people. It has also been suggested that the Ring Wraiths are ancestors of Hannah Montana due to their horrible, high-pitched screech vioces which are so unbearable that they paralyze nearby listeners.

Wraith King The Biggest and Baddest of the Ring Wraiths, and a General of Sauron's. He shanks Frodo in the first book with a morgul blade. There are those that say no man can kill him (This does not apply to women or short people). He also likes to party to with Sauron and his orcs in the Cracks of Doom.

Dracula the Tall 27 feet tall, to be precise. With a voice lower than Treebeard's, a staff longer than John Holmes's, and the finest collection of Magic: The Gathering cards in Middle-earth. Suckered in by Sauron, he used to be the shit. Now, he's just shit. That musta been shitty. He drinks three gallons of Thunderbird wine a week.

Gollum Is a small, miserable creature that has absolutley no redeeming qualities. If I had to choose between him and a firebreathing whore, I'd go for the slut every time. He mindlessly follows Frodo and tries to rape him. Deadly VX gas comes out of his rear end every time he farts.

Shelob Is a fan of Die Hard although she did not enjoy the fourth film which lead to her attack on poor Frodo. She is part of the band Blue previously known as Crap and has plans to begin her own chatshow called Cobwebs.

Balrog the Balrog was once a peaceful fairy living in a flower until one night when Gollum raped him and turned him into a massive fire-breathing monster that stomped around Moria pwning goblins. It was so fucking dumb it never thought to quench the flames. When the Fellowship came to Moria the Balrog threw Gandalf and himself down into an abyss for no particular reason, seconds before realizing how dumb it was. He fell into a pool and was quenched, then fought with Gandalf for about three days (with no rest periods!!!). The Balrog was so drunk he fell down the mountain, forever cracking his anus.

[edit] Lord of da Blings: The Real Story

Clearly Boromir has finally found something that can get him into Mordor.

One Bling to rule West Side Earth: So there was this bling as big as my grill ya'll. It was off the shizzle dog and this gang called the Orc Bloods had it but the Cryp Men and The Elf Crew didn think it was chill so they jumped Saran and took the bling. Then this ugly mo fo found it and took it until this Hobbit jumped him and took da ring ya'll. Then Gandalf came to the Hobbit's appartment with some drugs and found the bling so he took it and gave it to his homes, Frodo. Frodo gonna take it to the Doom Pawn shop to sell so he can get some cash. So he go and he see Golem and he all ugly. Golem callenged Frodo to a break dance contest. There was some mad skill but Frodo won. Then Frodo and his homes are goin by and the Blood Orcs drive by and Frodo gets shot. Then Aragorn and Boramere come and save Frodo. Frodo is taging a building and Boremere takes the bling so Aragorn pop a cap up his ass and gets the Bling Back. So Legolas and Gimli come an they all baggin all da time. Gimli like "yo mama so fat i jump her she bleed Hershey syrup". So they get to the pawn shop and they have a gang war in Osgiliath, the old parking lot, and Frodo and his crew all win. So Frodo get a billion dolla for da bling and lives happily ever after. PEACE

[edit] Fanbase

Lord of the Ring's fans are distinguishable by their distinct lack of personality and obesity [yes, you read that aright."Distinct lack of obesity" The sort of nerds who run around all day dressed in armour and toting around gigantic swords usually end up pretty damn fit]. The proportion of people who actively discuss Lord of the Rings, as opposed to reading once and then saying - 'That was brilliant book. I might read it again sometime and bring it up in casual conversation' don't have sex on a regular basis is startling. A recent poll conducted by the Washington Post reported that 98% of interviewees were virgins, with a 1% margin of error.

But as I'm sure you all know writing all this is much sadder than reading and discussing a book-I'll bet you hardly had time to have all that sex you have since you have been doing this cool piece of text.

[edit] Lord of the Rings: Super Special Awesome Extended-Extended Master’s Cut

Following the commercial success of the Lord of the Rings Extended Cut, Peter Jackson decided to release another cut with footage never before seen in theatres. The Lord of the Rings: Super Special Awesome Extended Master’s Cut consisted of six cases, each containing six disks, each containing six hours of film. Among the features were alternate scenes where Gollum was replaced with Mike Tyson. In a commentary, Peter Jackson says “Well, at first I wanted to bring some modernity to the Lord of the Rings series (I sure as hell wasn't putting Tom Bombadill on screen) and I chose to make the ring into an ear ring. I think this counterbalanced the whole ‘Isn’t the guy next to Frodo from the Goonies?’ thing we anticipated back when we were story-boarding. Anyway, so then I thought, well if Gollum bites off Frodo’s finger in the books, then it’d only be logical that he’d bite off Frodo’s ear. So then I thought that I could improve this idea even more and I figured who better to bite off Frodo’s ear than Mike Tyson. There were some problems he had with the cast, like one time I remember hearing him yell ‘YOU STARIN’ AT MY JUNK’ and we all run over there, and we saw that he knocked Ian out cold. He also didn’t appreciate the ending in the script and blatantly told us that he ‘wasn’t going to melt in some lava like some pansy’ and subsequently he took over the production. The final Mordor scene consisted of him biting Frodo’s ear off, taking the ring for himself, then saying ‘who needs invisibility’, stepping on it (because apparently his feet are as powerful as the fires of Mt. Doom) and then he takes on the forces of Mordor and beats them all down with nothing but his fists. He beats down the nazgul ‘like the sorry bitches that they are’ and then takes on Sauron, whom he downs with one right hook.” Other differences included:

scene between the Mouth of Sauron and Lurtz’s massive broadsword
In the siege of Minas Tirith, a special scene where Superboy Prime faces off against Gandalf.
special commentary by Peter Jackson, Hugo Weaving, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, and Viggo Mortensen
an ending where after the crowning of Aragorn, everyone starts line dancing to D.J Ozma's Age Age Every Night: Bounce With Me, Bounce
Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix
Saruman takes over the shire and makes the hobbits his bitches