The Lord of the Rings

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This article is about the motion picture Lord of the Rings. For the musical Lord of the Rings, please see a trained psychiatric professional.

Words to live by.

The Lord of the Rings is a long ass story written about short people trying to solve a problem and taking way to long to do it when they simply could have gotten those giant eagles they had hiding the whole story, flown over the volcano and dropped the ring in and saved a lot of hassle. Stupid short people...

[edit] About the book

True Lord of the Rings story in all its CGI glory.

The Lord of the Rings is a series of brilliant novels by J. R. R. Tolkien, who was the best writer in the history of mankind. It lay in virtual obscurity until 1995, when someone or other (no relation) found it hiding on his bookshelf and thought: Hey! I'll make a movie out of this!!. It has been called one of the greatest classics but isn't, it's in a league of its own. Not many people have actually read the book, because it’s designed for people who have an IQ higher than 10, which is to say 5% of the world population. Because of this most people have only seen the movie and have admitted its amazingness. The only people who say it's not good are star-wars fans, who, to be honest, are either American or are fucking brainless sodomised dickheads (if there's even a difference).

Gandalf the Grey To most people just "Gandalf" or "G" or "G-Man" or "Dat Grey Guy". A high-level mechanic. He has totally maxed out his mage level, as well as his Favored soul level but needs to work on his mining. Complete Pwner in the wildy, owns most archers or anyone with scimmys in about five seconds. He possesses Glamdring, a +5 sword of Goblin beat-down, and a AAA staff of luminescence (batteries not included). Killed by Snape in book 6. He is later reincarnated as Gandalf the White, but sails off over the Sea at the end for no obvious reason. Completely owns as Gandalf the White, even Zezima couldn't take him down.
Sam The coolest character, he is charged with delivering the ring to Middle Earth. Unfortunetly, Frodo got pissed off with him until Sam made him the main character.
Frodo A total loser who's always getting his ass in trouble. Sam always saves him. At the end, Frodo becames seduced by the rings power, and is thrown off the edge of the Cracks of Doom by Sam who is sick of Frodo falling over, going white in the face, dribbling and getting wrapped up in webs.
Listarine
Saruman the White - KKK A power-mad, white supremacist, wizard, founder of the KKK included in the series because scientists were so obviously not an option. Becomes a dick halfway through the first book and decides to build his own orc army but gets defeated halfway through the second book, gets his staff broken and goes off to be gay with his servant Wormtongue.
Two Unknown Blue Istari went East, and are the by-product of Tolkien running out of colors but REALLY liking the number "5".
Radagast Tha Noob He could talk to birds, and was morbidly obese. The founder of Mordor Fried Eagle.

[edit] Elves

The Elder was Elves, lived in the West and the North and they all pwn with twin swords and bows and arrows. Live forever. They are also of pure Russian blood, and, while being much fond of writing songs about how good they are, they secretly resort to genocides every now and then.

Elrond Hubbard.

Legolas Walks on snow. Sinks in water. Can shoot five arrows per second and really hates orcs. Likes hair products and lives in a huge forest called Mirkwood. Has a secret urging for the Sea for some unfathomable reason. Totally owns anyone he dosen't like in the books and movies, but somehow manages to stay on the sidelines while the wimp Frodo goes and falls over on a rocky slope somewhere.

Agent Elrond Also known as Elf-Lord Smith, Elrond Hubbard, Steve Howe, E, or Eyebrows. An eternally pissed off and annoying unsavory bastard hybrid who really, really, really thinks he is a wise-guy. He also has amazing powers and has spoken to Xenu. His most famous quote is, "Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson." Likes watching darts on TV, eating hotdogs, and leading massive Elven armies into Mordor. Hangs out in Rivendell which is like da coolest party place eva.

Galadriel She's single and ready. She freaks out when given coffee or when short little men hold up magical rings in her face. Her daughter, Celebrian, was an accidental child. When Galadriel was 15 she met Celeborn at a neighborhood party and shortly after a few drinks of mead she found herself in a closet with him. Lives in Lothlorien at the top of a tree, is liked by everyone who meets her and is referred to as the Evil Sorceress in the Wood by everyone else.

Arwen Amazingly, incredibly hot. Obsessed with Aragorn. Tends to let him 'glide in'. Now lives in Minas Tirith like everyone else.

Figwit An elf who was first sighted in the Council of Elrond. An elf of few words he is widely regarded to be the most gorgeous, stunning, enigmatic, hypnotic, stupendous and captivating elf in Middle Earth. Figwit stands for "Frodo is grea...who is THAT?!? When Frodo says "I will take it!" (i.e. The Ring), we are so impressed we start to think “Frodo is great!" But before we finish, the camera pans and we see Figwit, smoldering enigmatically in the background. All other thoughts are whisked away by that elf - who is THAT?! He's gorgeous!

Slutolas Although Slutolas is not seen in the movie, in the X rated version she is the prostitute that fucked Legolas before he left the Elv city

[edit] Men & Women

Aragorn Also known as 'Strider'. A mysterious man who likes dirty clothes and sleeping in the woods. Fancies pretty ladies,Arwen was the best. A lonely soul, is in fact the king of Gondor. Looks very confused when being told that "They are taking the hobbits to Isengard". His hobbies include stabbing orcs in the face and speaking grimly.
Tom Bombadil (AKA Tom-Bom-Happy-Tom-Dom-Bom-Badilo) The best character, like some kind of dope character, he loves weed and magical-fairy mushrooms (magic mushrooms). he lives with a strange blond elf girl who he found sitting naked in a river. The oldest thing ever.
Boromir One mean bastard no one likes. His father is the steward of Gondor, which is the reason why Boromir dislikes Aragorn, the legal king of Gondor who is coming to put his dad and him out of a job. Boromir tries to take the ring, then suddenly regrets it, gets attacked by orcs and dies. "Damn karma", were told be his last words. Sadly he didn't have time to convert to Hinduism or listen to any songs by John Lennon at that point. He gets to save a few hobbits and make peace with Aragorn before dying, so guess it wasn't such a bad case then.
Denethor The morbid and strange father of Boromir. He was a nerd of that time, but instead of the internet he used the Palantír, magic balls taken from Sauron. When the forces of Mordor came up to Minas Tirith he then stopped stuffing his face and set himslef and Faramir on fire, though Faramir managed to do a double backflip at the last moment and managed to save himself, though not his father because he was an asshole. He enjoyed sitting on a stone throne while his children died pointless deaths.
Éowyn A hot girl who's far more interested in war than sucking dick and pleasing her future husband. She secretly lusts after Aragorn, but when he turns her away, she too goes emo and rides to war dressed as a man. She does a great deed no man could do, stabbing a ghost with a mace in the face (wow that rhymed) - the main servant of Sauron. LOTR does seem to have an obsession with stabbing in the face, which is possibly the most painful thing imaginable.
Treebeard A tree that moves and speaks in a reaaaallllly low voice.

[edit] The Bad Guys With Big Swords and Stuff

An Orcmerican.

Anyone With Red Hair These were the orcs they are angry and ugly and are highly reactive to light and do not look to good on fire

Lurtz The biggest badass around! Only when he becomes level 3 and gets carnage. HA NO MORE GONDOR HORN FOR YOU BORIMIR!

Haradrim a group of circus freaks with spears. I dont know what the hell they feed there elephants to make them so big but have tiny penises. Probably steroids.

Sauron The bad guy of the story. He used to be a great dark lord, but then that damn Isildur came and cut off his finger. This itself only caused him severe confusion, for he had terrible pain in his finger that was no longer there, but the loss of the ring that was in that finger was what made him lose his power (it was a pretty ring!). After moaning for his ring for few thousand years he started to gather an army. He didn't have a normal physical form, instead he showed himself as a massive eye, which is not personally the form I'd choose. Probably a massive raping lizard would be better.

Gollum Is a small, miserable creature that has absolutley no redeeming qualities. If I had to choose between him and a firebreathing whore, I'd go for the slut every time. He mindlessly follows Frodo and tries to rape him.

Shelob Is a fan of Die Hard although she did not enjoy the fourth film which lead to her attack on poor Frodo. She is part of the band Blue previously known as Crap and has plans to begin her own chatshow called Cobwebs.

Balrog the Balrog was once a peaceful fairy living in a flower until one night when Gollum raped him and turned him into a massive fire-breathing monster that stomped around Moria owning goblins. It was so fucking dumb it never thought to quench the flames. When the Fellowship came to Moria the Balrog threw Gandalf and himself down into an abyss for no particaular reason, seconds before realizing how dumb it was. He fell into a pool and was quenched, then fought with Gandalf for about three days (with no rest periods!!!). The Balrog was so drunk he fell down the mountain, forever cracking his anus.

[edit] Lord of da Blings: The Real Story

Clearly Boromir has finally found something that can get him into Mordor.

One Bling to rule West Side Earth: So there was this bling as big as my grill ya'll. It was off the shizle dog and this gang called the Orc Bloods had it but the Cryp Men and The Elf Crew didn think it was chill so they jumped Saran and took the bling. Then this ugly mo fo found it and took it until this Hobbit jumped him and took da ring ya'll. Then Gandalf came to the Hobbit's appartment with some drugs and found the bling so he took it and gave it to his homes, Frodo. Frodo gonna take it to the Doom Pawn shop to sell so he can get some cash. So he go and he see Golem and he all ugly. Golem callenged Frodo to a break dance contest. There was some mad skill but Frodo one. Then Frodo and his homes are goin by and the Blood Orcs drive by and Frodo gets shot. Then Aragorn and Boramere come and save Frodo. Frodo is taging a building and Boremere takes the bling so Aragorn pop a cap up his ass and gets the Bling Back. So Legolas and Gimly come an they all baggin all da time. Gimly like "yo mama so fat i jump her she bleed hershy surrup". So they get to the pawn shop and they have a gang war in Oskilioth, the old parking lot, and Frodo and his crew all win. So Frodo get a billion dolla for da bling and lives happilly ever after. PEACE

[edit] Fanbase

Lord of the Ring's fans are distinguishable by their distinct lack of personality and obesity [yes, you read that aright."Distinct lack of obesity" The sort of nerds who run around all day dressed in armour and toting around gigantic swords usually end up pretty damn fit]. The proportion of people who actively discuss Lord of the Rings, as opposed to reading once and then saying - 'That was brilliant book. I might read it again sometime and bring it up in casual conversation' don't have sex on a regular basis is startling. A recent poll conducted by the Washington Post reported that 98% of interviewee's were virgins, with a 1% margin of error.

But as I'm sure you all know writing all this is much sadder than reading and discussing a book-I'll bet you hardly had time to have all that sex you have since you have been doing this cool piece of text.