The Logic Of Pokemon
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit A Brief Introduction
Pokemon or "Pocket Monsters" is a rather non logical media franchise published by the video game company Nintendo and created by some asian guy by the name of Satoshi Tajiri in 1996. Since, Pokemon has grown to become the second mostsuccessful, lucrative and kick ass video-game based media franchise in the world sitting just behind Nintendo's Mario series. Over the years Pokemon properties have been merchandised into, trading cards, anime, manga, trading cards, books, toys, and other media including trading cards.
edit Morality And Health
Over it's years Pokemon has been named and shamed as satanic and too violent for children. Christians, Muslims and Jews all seem to share undescribable hate for Pokemon and believe it to be Politically wrong. Christians do not like the idea of evolving in which the way Pokemon Portrays it and once tried to sue god for letting something as devil like as Pokemon be born. In 1999 Nintendo was sued by two 9 year old boys after they claimed that the Pokémon Trading Card Game caused their problematic gambling.
On December 16, 1997, more than 635 small Japanese children were admitted to hospitals after having their small asian brains exploded by epileptic seizures. This was after watching a certain episode of Pokemon called "Dennō Senshi Porygon", which in simple english means "Eletric Hitler Soldier Porygon", season 1, episode 38. As a result the episode has not been aired since. In the episode there was bright explosions with lots of rapid alternating blue and red colour patterns and big flashy lights. It was determined in subsequent research that these strobing light effects cause some individuals to have epileptic seizures, even if the person had no previous history of epilepsy but most people assume to believe that it's actually because the Japanese have small minds and massive quantities of boringness and just can't handle the sheer exposure to awesome. This incident is the most common focus of Pokémon-related parodies in other media, and was lampooned by The Simpsons episode "Thirty Minutes over Tokyo" and the South Park episode "Chinpokomon", among others.
edit Getting To The Point
Pokemon, whether it be the video-games, anime series or trading cards, has huge loop holes all over the place and so much lack of logic it makes [Steven Hawkings] (who was the original voice of nurse joy) seem un-uderstandable in the least if you un-understand what i don't not, not mean. Pokemon in general is a subject magnetized to rant. Everything about it does not make any sense and just defies everything we've ever been taught about being rational and understanding. Let me go in to greater detail as i sum it up in a breakdown of categorization.
edit ConceptIn case you already don't know, the concept of Pokemon in both the anime series and the video games, is just like the very
boring and sophisticated hobby of insect collecting. The aim is to catch the Pokemon and force them into beating the living crap out of each other for pure amusement and personal gain. Players of the game are labeled as Pokemon trainers and the two primary objectives and goals of Pokemon, on the video-games and in the anime series, is to, A: Fill the pokedex with data from every existing pokemon species in the fictional region in which the game takes place which seems like a ridiculous and impossibly expensive task for a 10 year old, ( the age you are licensed to become a Pokemon trainer ) and B: raise a powerful army of demon spawn and go around destroying and annihilating all other trainers existing pokemon to become the [Hitler] of pokemon or in pokemon terms the "Pokemon Master".
In Pokemon a trainer that encounters a wild Pokemon is able to capture that Pokemon by hurling a special designed, mass producible spherical shaped tool named a Poké Ball at it. The Poké Balls somehow use a kind of vacuum-like particle breakdown mechanism which can imprison the pokemon inside the ball (regardless of size) against its will. If the Pokemon is unable to escape, the ball confines the Pokemon and by law of Pokemon this somehow makes the pokemon become in the rightful ownership of the trainer. (I don't know about you but if i lived in a world where a ten year old had the rights to pick up and take whichever native animal it pleased i would be slightly concerned.) Afterward, it will obey whatever its new master commands, unless the Trainer demonstrates such a lack of experience and sucks so much ass that the Pokemon would rather act on its own accord. Trainers can send out any of their Pokemon to wage non-lethal battles against other Pokemon; if the opposing Pokemon is wild, the Trainer can capture that Pokemon with a Poké Ball, increasing his or her collection of demon spawn. Pokemon already owned by other Trainers cannot be captured by some kind of world bound law similar to the law of gravity. If a Pokemon fully decapitates an opponent in battle so that the opponent is "knocked out" (i.e., "faints"), the winning Pokemon gains experience and may level up. When leveling up, the Pokemon's statistics ("stats") of battling aptitude increase, such as Attack and Speed. From time to time the Pokemon may also learn new moves, which are techniques used in battle to kick more ass and defeat other opposing pokemon quicker and more effectively. In addition, many species of Pokémon possess the ability to undergo a form of metamorphosis and transform into a similar but stronger species of Pokemon, a process called evolution which takes place over a period of 1-12 seconds and takes on the visuals of frame rating from one species toanother.
In the main series, each game's single-player mode requires the Trainer to raise a team of Pokemon to defeat many non-player character (NPC) Trainers and their Pokemon. Each game lays out a somewhat convenient linear path through a specific region of the Pokemon world for the Trainer to "journey" through, completing events and slaying as much opponents as they can along the way. Each game features eight especially "powerful" Trainers, referred to as Gym Leaders which obviously live in their mothers basements and play dungeons and dragons in their spare time, that the Trainer must defeat in order to progress. As a reward, the Trainer receives a Gym Badge, and once all eight badges are obtained, that Trainer is eligible to challenge the region's Pokemon League, where four immensely skilled trainers who obviously have no lives and just spend every waking hour pokemonning (referred to collectively as the "Elite Four") challenge the Trainer to four Pokemon battles in succession. If the trainer can overcome this ridiculous gauntlet, he or she must then challenge the Regional Hitler, the "master Trainer" who had previously defeated the Elite Four. Any Trainer who wins this last battle becomes the new champion and gains the title of Pokemon Master and gets to stand at the end of a tunnel for the rest of eternity until they can finally be released once some other ignorant opponent gets to the end and defeats them.
edit Becoming A Trainer Logic
How does someone who turns ten and probably can't even tie his shoes yet get the rights to command a highly powerful and destructive array of demonic creatures in battle to destroy and kill other creatures owned by other underaged incapable kids even come close to being able to leave home and wander aimlessly around the world taking on tasks which would make a grown man shit himself?. If anyone ever bothered to read the descriptions of Pokemon in the pokedex ( also non logical ) they would have noticed that the powers infused into Pokemon which it describes are no laughing matter and without a doubt should NOT be entrusted to children. For example, if you read the description on one of charizards pokemon cards it states "Spits fire that is hot enough to melt boulders", now unless these boulders are made from styrofoam i would be a little bit worried. It is rather un wise to let anybody have access to pokemon let alone a 10 year old, in my opinion there should without a doubt be a pokemon containment facility in which every Pokemon should be put in lockdown and caged, buried under the ground and burnt in a giant furnace. If Pokemon worked how it really would in reality judging off the tempers and abilities of those refered to from the pokedex and pokemon card descriptions, the world would be a mess, Pokemon would have their own government and world leaders and mass produce card games based around human beings. Pokemon would be unstoppable due to their industructability and high power level attacks. Let's take a look at some more descriptions to back this up.
Ponyta - Its hooves are 10 times harder than diamonds. It can trample anything flat in moments
Rhydon - Protected by an armor-like hide, it is capable of living in molten lava of 3600 degrees
Flareon - It creates its flames by swallowing air into a special pouch within its body, then heating it to over 3000 degrees.
Chansey - It holds its egg carefully when moving so as not to break it. Still, it is fast enough to disappear in the blink of an eye.
Tyranitar - Its body can't be harmed by any sort of attack. It can crush mountains with one hand.
Blastoise - The jets of water it spouts from the rocket cannons on its shell can punch through thick steel.
Gyarados - Extremely vicious and horribly brutal. Has enough destructive power to totally annihilate even a major city.
Rampardos - Its powerful headbutt has enough power to shatter even the most durable things upon impact.
Dragonite - Has intelligence on par with people. This "sea guardian" is said to be capable of flying around the globe in about 16 hours.
Metagross - It is formed by two Metang fusing. Its four brains are said to be superior to a supercomputer.
Salamence - It becomes uncontrollable if enraged. It destroys everything with shredding claws and fire.
Slowking - Being bitten by Shellder gave it intelligence comparable to that of award-winning scientists.
Litwick - It can take the life out of anyone. It is known for taking it out of Ash.
Smugleaf- Can do anything it wanted.
Pikachu- It's ugliness can make almost everyone in the world have a seizure.
Now think to yourself, if creatures of this level of capability with such enhanced skills and senses existed in a world, would they take any crap from a ten year old child? i don't think so. Impossible strength, intelligence, speed, motive, power, and sheer cunning would leave the human race and completely destroyed with no sense of hope in the least. The chance the human race would have of surviving such a horror would be equal to that of [Ray Charles] beating you in a "who can be less blind contest" unless of course your also blind but i assume not because unyclopedia does not offer a braille format in which to read articles.
edit Pokemon Logic
edit Starter PokemonOne of the consistent aspects of the Pokemon games — spanning from Pokemon Red and Blue on the Nintendo Game Boy to the Nintendo DS game, Pokemon Diamond and Pearl — is the choice of one of three different Pokemon at the start of the player's adventures; these three are often labeled "starter Pokémon" or in more correct terms "The best Pokemon your going to ever see in the game". In the game these pokemon can not be caught in the wild and only the Proffessor at the beggining of the game happens to own one of each and is willing to give you and your rival your pick of these. What scientist/Proffessor would in their right mind give an almost exstinct species of Pokemon to a meer child?.
Players can choose a Grass-type, a Fire-type, or a Water-type, but if the player currently had any brain cells they would of chose Fire-type because everyone knows charizard is the best of the three starters final evoloutions. For example, in Pokemon Red and Blue (and their 'respective' reworks, Pokemon FireRed and Pokemon LeafGreen which were only re-made so Nintendo could make a buck), the player has the choice of starting with Bulbasaur, Charmander, or Squirtle. The exception to this rule is Pokemon Yellow (a remake of the original games that follows the story of the Pokmon anime and really has hardly any variation at all was and was only made so Nintendo could make a buck), where players are given a Pikachu, an Electric-type mouse Pokemon, famous for being the retarded mouse like mascot of the Pokémon media franchise; in this game, however, the three starter Pokémon from Red and Blue can be obtained during the quest by a single player, something that is not possible in any other installment of the Un logical franchise becuase usually/originally they wanted you to purchase two game copies and a link cable to do so, just so Nintendo could make a buck. Another consistent aspect is that the player's rival will always choose as his or her starter Pokémon the one that has a type advantage over the player's Pokémon. For instance, if the player picks a Grass-type Pokémon, the rival will always pick the fire-type starter. This will not change no matter how many times you start a new game and the Proffessor is always too much of a tool to let you take your pokemon back and exchange it. Of course, the exception to this is again Pokémon Yellow, in which the rival picks an Eevee, but whether this Eevee evolves into Jolteon, Vaporeon, or Flareon is decided by when the player wins and loses to the rival through the journey. Typical pokemon retardation.
The Pokédex is a fictional electronic device which really would not work at all in any chance, featured in the Pokemon video game and anime series. In the games, whenever a Pokemon is first captured, its data will somehow be added to a player's Pokédex, but in the anime or manga, the Pokédex is a comprehensive electronic un logical reference encyclopedia, usually referred to in order to deliver exposition. "Pokédex" is also used to refer to a list of Pokemon, usually a list of Pokemon by number if that makes any sense. In the video games, a Pokemon Trainer is issued a blank device at the start of the journey. A trainer must then attempt ( attempt because it won't ever ever ever ever happen ) to fill the Pokédex by encountering and at least briefly obtaining each of the different species of Pokemon. Considering in the anime that every year a new generation of about 100+ [Pokemon] are released into the pokemon world, and every year ash ( the main character of the series ) has only caught roughly 2% of the current generation, it's never going to be ever possible for him to complete his main life goal and catch every Pokemon. A player will receive the name and image of a Pokemon after encountering one that was not previously in the Retarddex, typically after battling said Pokemon either in the wild or in a trainer battle (with the exceptions of link battles and tournament battles, such as in the pointless Battle Frontier). In Pokémon Red and Blue, some Pokemon's data is added to the Pokédex simply by aiming the device at the Pokemon face, such as in the inhumane zoo outside of the Safari Zone. Also, certain NPC characters may add to the Pokédex by explaining what a Pokemon looks like during conversation which would have to be the most ridiculous and un logical thing i have ever heard in my whole life. More detailed information is available after the player obtains a member of the species, either through stealing/capturing the Pokémon in the wild, evolving a previously captured demon spawn, hatching a Pokemon egg (from the second generation onwards), or through a trade with another trainer (either an NPC, another player or [Adolf Hitler]). This information includes height, weight, species type, and a short description of the Pokemon which pretty much defies possibility. Later versions of the Pokédex have more detailed information, like the size of a certain Pokemon compared to the player character which also makes a person wonder how comftorble it is inside the poke ball, or Pokemon being sorted by their habitat (so far, the latter feature is only in the FireRed and LeafGreen versions). The most current forms of Pokédex are capable of containing information on all Pokémon currently known. The GameCube games, Pokemon Colosseum and Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness ( Ridiculous title which is obviously trying to sound badass ), have a Pokemon Digital Assistant (P★DA) which is the Pokédex, but also tells what types are effective against a Pokemon and also has pictures of your mom naked.
edit Slowking's Intellect
On the rare case that a Slowpoke gets bitten on the head instead of the tail by a Shellder, it undergoes a special evolution rather than transforming it into a Slowbro (which has no brain just like Slowpoke, possibly the second stupidest living organism on the planet, closely trailing behind seaweed on the intelligence chart).Now let me ask you a question, if you had poison injected into your brain, what would you think would be the outcome? Yes that's right any person with half a brain would come up with the answer that A: You would live and suffer massive brain damage and maybe with many years be able to recover to somewhat full health. Or B: You would suffer shortly and moments later die on the floor in a puddle of your own urine and vomit. But according to Pokemon, the process does not work like that at all and works more like this."The poison that some Shellder secretes reached Slowpoke's brain, turning it extremely intelligent." How does that make any sense to any logical standard whatsoever?.
In Pokemon crystal the Pokédex information on Slowking went like this "Every time it yawns, Shellder injects more poison into it. The poison makes it more intelligent." Pokemon, it just get's more logical by the minute.
edit Questions And Queries
- The pokemon Cubone and Marowak's faces have never been seen before, surely someone would have mutilated one and ripped off it's mask by now? How come scientists in Pokemon claim that it is such a mystery, yet no kind of operations have been gone underway on live or dead Marowaks or Cubones. On the same note, what does the underside of Diglett look like? (apparently it has feet).
- Alomomola, a very sh*tty Pokemon to use in battle has an uncanny resemblance to Luvdisc, another horrible and useless Pokemon, yet how come Alomomola doesn't evolve from Luvdisc?
- How come in Pokemon Ruby Lickitung couldn't learn lick?
- Back when the Pokemon anime was still being dubbed by 4Kids, there were many translation fails, including an episode where they claimed Arbok evolves into Seviper, although Arbok is fully evolved and Seviper has no evolutions or pre-evolutions whatsoever
- In pokemon it claims that Mew is the ancestor of all pokemon, but then it claims that Arceus created the universe, how can Mew be alive before Arceus created the universe?
- According to Vulpix's description it's born with 1 tail and it gradually splits into six as it gets older, then how come when you hatch a Vulpix in the game from an egg it has six tails?
- Cherrim + Pikachu = Pichu?
- Mr. Mime acts like a man and therefore is called Mr. Mime, but there are female Mr. Mimes, isn't that gross?
- Gardevoir has a similar story to Mr.Mime (it looks like a woman, yet there are male Gardevoirs, WTF?!)
- How come in Pokemon Red and Blue Pikachu couldn't learn Thunderbolt.?
- How the hell can Wooper learn ice punch when it has no arms....?
- How can Ghastly learn all the elemental punches despite an obvious lack of the necessary anatomy?
- How can a three-headed ostrich named Dodrio fly?
- Zangoose and Seviper are mortal enemies, yet if you put them in the daycare together, the old man will say, "They seem to get along". What?
- Wailord can not only breed with Skitty and Pachirisu, but with Diglett as well, is this not disturbing?
- Electric can't hurt ground, but it can hurt rock. WHAT ARE ROCKS MADE OF?!
- How come in Garchomp's Dex Entry it can fly, but it actually can not learn Fly? For that matter, why bother putting wings on pokemon like Scyther?
- Apparently Voltorb get's commonly mistaken for a pokeball, how can voltorb be mistaken as a poke ball if its one foot higher than a poke ball?
- On Super Smash Bros brawl the driffloon trophy states "drifloon tries to drag little kids into the underworld", Isn't that a bit creepy for a kids show/game/franchise? The same goes for Gorebyss' Dex entry which says it traps other Pokemon at the ocean floor and eats them by draining their blood.
- Some pokemon represent a specific animal, yet pokemon are the only animals in the game.
- Don't you think Mewtwo looks very similar to DragonBall Z's Freeza in his "Final Form"?
- How does Kangaskhan hatch from an egg with a baby in it's pouch? isn't that kind of completely stupid?
- How does Hitmonchan get pre-generatated boxing gloves after evolving from Tyrogue? I'm pretty sure man invented boxing gloves.
- On that note, how come People didn't know about the prevolutions of such Pokemon until later? It might be excusable in generation 2, but by generation 3 or 4, breeding and hatching had already been discovered (Azurril? Really?).
- What's more, Pokemon like Roselia and Snorlax have to be smelling certain "Incenses", so does this mean the 'baby' Pokemon are born undeveloped?
- If Snorlax is fat and lazy, why does it have such ridiculously good physical abilities?
- Why is it that Professor Oak claims to spend his life researching Pokemon and then gives you a completely empty Pokedex?
- Why is it that Pokemon cannot fly or swim naturally unless we give them a CD that teaches them how?
- Why is it that if you take Charmander and Gary takes Squirtle, Bulbasaur stays in the desk FOREVER?
- Why do you need special shoes to run?
- Why does a professor not know the difference between a boy and a girl AND forget his own grandson's name?
- If it says that a move can only be learned by a certain Pokemon, what's with Smeargle?
- Why do you need a move deleter when you have Pokemon with the move amnesia?
- Why the hell are 10-year olds doing this?! Seriously!
- The move Dragon Rage in the video games inflicts exactly 40 damage to a Pokemon no matter how strong the Pokemon is. In the anime, during the Ash vs. Gary Pokemon League match in Johto, how can Ash's Charizard kill a full-health Golem (that probably has over 150 HP in total) with one Dragon Rage? Is it because Gary was too stupid to heal his Golem before the match?
- If all animals are Pokemon then what is the meat?
- Why are there so many nurse Joy's? Which person can make so many twins at once?