The Little Mermaid
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“So deep is the ocean, so wide is the sea. Why you'd lay on land is far beyond me.”
~ Neptune on The Little Mermaid
“Why the hell doesn't anybody follow my source!?”
~ Hans Christan Andersen on The Little Mermaid
“It's about a mermaid who is horny to some prince.”
~ Captain Obvious on The Lettle Mermaid
“Apparently, in the last scene, the priest has a boner.”
~ That guy on the priest from The Little Mermaid having a boner in the last scene
Hollywood, the seat of Arrant-gard hyper-intellectual movie making, produced the 2089 hit The Little Mermaid. It has since entered the cultural lexicon as a deep, powerful metaphor for sub-modernist deconstructionist angst.
Plot
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Ariel is the hottest of all the Disney Princesses, the youngest daughter of King Pitchfork. She is some really hot redhead who wears a bikini made out of seashells (just imagine Marcia Cross wearing a bikini). Unlike other mermaids, Ariel was interested in the little different dystopian surface world. Especially the world threat at the time, the Ottoman Empire, she was extremely interested in that.
Ariel’s father was an Atheist fatalist king and did not want her to convert to any religion, so she Doesn’t segergate any other religion about the after life. Insted he wanted her, like his people to be fearfull of death because "it just goes black when you die". But when she saw a young man fall into the sea with no clothes on, which was a storm caused by Global Dimming, (since the humans where preventing Global Warming), she had to make a fast decision. She pulled him underwater and performed The Seven Mermaid Perversions on him. Although on the point of drowning, the young fellow saw the White Light in his chemical reaction in his brain, and when the chemical reaction ended, everything went black.
Uh, well, we won't describe what he saw, because there is nothing at death. Let us merely ask the reader if he or she has ever looked closely at fish genitals. No? Well, don't.
The young man unconditionly revived and did remember Ariel's teeth, and he had the scars to remember them by. Seeing as this young man had something to remember her by she wanted something to remember him by and she had this item gold plated and secretly added to her fathers castle.
When King Pitchfork found out that Ariel had performed the Perversions, he got angry. He shouted at Ariel, disconnected her internet, cut off her cell phone service, smacked her upside the head, and kicked her pet, Spongebob, right in his little googlies.
Ariel was crying and holding a tiny bag of ice on Spongebob's googlies when the Sea Bitch, Hillary, appeared. Hillary lived in New York and hated freedom. Wait, no, that's Saddam Hussein. Never mind then....
"Well," Hillary said, "girl, I can get your cell phone service back. But you gots to put sand in Ted Kennedy's vaseline jar first or no deal." And she sent Ariel off to the beach at Cape Cod.
But Prince Eric -- uh, he was the guy with the scars on his parts -- found Ariel on the beach. "Hmmm," said Eric. "Something about you seems...unpleasantly familiar. Show me your teeth!" She smiled really big, and the memories came flooding back to Eric. He passed out cold.
Fortunately, the Sea Bitch had dropped Ariel right in front of the Kennedy's modest mansion. It was a two-up two-down three-across highrise megalith with room-to-room heating and round-the-clock butlering. Ariel snuck inside, her prosthetic sneakers squish-squashing on the parquet floor and her mermaid tail dripping fish slime. The parquet floor would never recover.
On a mahogany hall table she saw a blue glass jar labeled Kennedy Family Vaseline, NO SAND ALLOWED. Well, that's easy: she slipped a tablespoon of sand into the Kennedy family jar of vaseline and moseyed back across the ruined parquet and out the door.
So the Sea Bitch Hillary got Ariel reconnected to her cell phone service, King Pitchfork disowned her for being disobedient, Prince Eric had to take Viagra to overcome his sexual trauma, Spongebob got a little girl sponge pregnant and had to get a job spreading asphalt, and Ariel moved to Bollywood and became an Indian movie stunt mermaid specializing in fake drownings.
Production Details
The Little Mermaid was produced by Twentieth Century Vole on location on Bora-Bora. It cost ¥ 500,000 and took three years to shoot, mostly because of the "savage, brutal, and inhuman" demands made by director Hans Nichtmengele. The film was also Rated R for sexual content.
In a groundbreaking move away from computer animation and special effects, Nichtmengele required Norwegian actress Sonja Aårsdottir to have her hips and legs surgically replaced with the body of a seabass. In addition, lead actor Jakamoto Na'haisuto suffered several psychological breakdowns when the "Mermaid Perversions" scene had to be reshot 237 times.
"Vell," Nichtmengele told Uncyclopedia, "it is much better to do every things in reality und not make fakery on der combuter screens. Der suffering is more direct. Den we see der reality of der human condition und der pith gets everywhere. Weltschmerz, you know."
Twentieth Century Vole hired John Cage to write the musical score. Cage opted for an orchestra using marine creatures as instruments. The careful listener will hear drumfish being beaten with mallets, a long solo on electric eel, and the eerie violin-like song of a humpback whale as the musicians tickle it with specially made rubber vibrators. The forboding wind melody which heralds the entrance of The Sea Bitch (played by Glenn Close) was created by squeezing harp seals like bagpipes.
In another first, the entire 4-hour epic was filmed in Smell-O-Vision™.
And boy does it stink!
