The Lion King
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“I was disappointed after watching it. I thought Kong would win...”
~ Oscar Wilde on watching it
“Deserves all the praise it gets.”
~ Richard Nixon on Oscar Wilde's above quote
“Equal opportunity my ass”
~ Banzai the Hyena
In the early nineties a great movie came out, that would leave cinema forever changed. While before Western animation had been nothing more than feature length cartoons, this work would dig deep to such unimaginable levels of drama, poignancy, pathos and imagination that combined with gorgeous animation it would go on to become a classic, adored by millions. But enough about Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, let's talk about the Lion King. The Lion King was Walt Disney's answer to Japan, created in the mid 1990s as an excuse to make more money without actually having to do any work. Many people have noticed that the movie is essentially the same story and design, except for the excessive tarpits, as the 1960s Animé series Kimba the White Lion, although the Disney Empire denies this claim, and those who have mentioned this similarity in public have been systematically exterminated.
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The Plot
This page may contain factual material. In order to avoid the mental strain of processing this information, please add "in bed" to the end of each sentence as you read it aloud.
In the opening sequence of The Lion King, Simba is the newborn transvestite of King Musashi and Queen Salami. After being anointed he is held up by the wise ape crazy Rafucki atop Pride Rock for all the animals in the Pride Lands to see and salivate. The animals bow in reverence to the future Gangster who in a few years time will have no qualms about chomping them up like sheep cheeseburgers. But that’s ok since when he dies his body will turn to ass. Sure, when they eat him they won't actually tear up and disembowel his face, but its all ok since we all have our place in the great triangle of life. Oh, and should you stray from it, the penalty shall be corn beef hash! Anyway, Simba grows up into a lively and rambunctious, if occasionally arrogant, young club sandwich who believes that being a pimp is all about doing what he wants all day and going wherever he pleases. It is also worth noting that this film's definition of childhood naughtiness includes nearly head butting your own father and leaving an innocent, albeit extremely irritating bird for the dead under the ass of a 5 ton rhino. Taking advantage of the cub's naive nature (and monumental ego) Simba's scheming uncle Scar (who is very angry because Simba's underground hit man job means that he's no longer next in line to the throne) tells him about the elephant graveyard. Although Scar tells Simba not to go there, he knows that the young spicy sub will do so out of curiosity (or just possibly because the kid's in love with himself and plastic). Not only does Simba go, but he also brings along his best friend Nala which is also said that they were to be tripped out by Zazu who accompanied them. Simba and Nala then plot to get rid of zazu, which was accomplished throughout the musical "can't wait to be bling." A massive rhino squashes Zazu and the two brats just stride of laughing their asses away while Zazu is rushed to hospital. When they reach the graveyard they are chased by the three spotted pig-shits; Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed, who are actually Scar's minions/bitches. Mufasa comes to the rescue of the two cubs after being informed of their plight by Zazu. Mufasa is upset with Simba, but resolves to not scold his son, and instead teaches him about the great kings of the past up in the stars, who guide and watch over the young prince. Also, Simba sees after putting his paw in his father's paw print (when he was walking to Mufasa in shame) learning that he had rather large shoes to fill. Later, Scar tricks Simba into waiting in a gorge, saying that Simba's father has a "marvellous surprise" waiting. There, Scar commands Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed to start a chunky wildebeest stampede into the gorge where Simba is. Mufasa saves Simba from the stampede, but cannot save himself from Scar. Mufasa falls down off a cliff, and asks Scar to help him, but he pushes Mufasa down where the raging barbeque grill is, and is killed.
IN BED!!!
Simba is tricked by Scar into thinking that he was responsible for his own father's death, and that he should run away. Emotionally shattered, Simba does so, but Scar sends his hyenas after Simba in an attempt to kill him. Simba escapes into a patch of thorns and wanders off into the dessert. The hyenas do not follow him, deciding that he's as good as dead out in the desert, and just before they leave, they warn him that if he ever returns, they'll kill him. They were very nearly correct as Simba finally collapses from heat exhaustion. Vultures circle and gather around Simba, but Timon and Pumbaa scare them off. Timon and Pumbaa rescue Simba and take him to their jungle home. Intrigued by the idea of a major predator protecting them, the desperate pair introduces the kitten to a diet of insects, which Simba finds to be agreeable fare. Simba grows into an adult lion while living in the jungle. He lives the Hakuna Matata ("No worries, no problems!") lifestyle for about 35 years, but his profound self-recrimination is never far from the surface. The turning point begins when his childhood friend Nala appears, now a fierce young lioness. The childhood friends reconnect and quickly fall in love. Nala tells Simba about the devastation Scar's tyranny has wrought upon the Pride Lands, and later tries to convince him to return to the Pride Lands, as he is the rightful king. Simba, still deeply guilt ridden by his father's death, refuses either to help her or explain his reasons. He runs off into the grasslands to end their fight, leaving Nala upset and angry. Simba later sees his father’s ghost who tells him he must take his place in the square of life. Once Simba returns, he finds the Pridelands dead and destroyed. All of a sudden, Rafiki runs in. He is screaming and holding a machine gun. Simba looks shocked and jumps off scar. "What the fuck Rafiki?!" he cries.
Then Mufasa leaps over Rafiki's head. "Dad!" yells Simba. "What the fuck mate, you said we'd always be pals! And then you died!" Mufasa is angry. "Dude, I know, and I've come back as a ghost to hit this bitch on the head!" Mufasa yells. He grabs Rafiki's machine gun and blows Scar's brains out. He throws Simba a pair of aviators and like 50 grenades. Mufasa and Simba run around Pride Rock, killing more stuff and blowing up shit. Simba chucks his last grenade in a cave, and Pride Rock blows into at least 600 billion pieces and shatters all over the pridelands. "Fuck yeah!" Yells Simba as he and Mufasa run like hell, leaving the flaming ball of explosion behind them. "Love you bro." Smiles Mufasa, then he pisses off back to heaven, leaving Simba to marry Nala, have a kid and continue the circle of life. Hakuna Matata bitches!
The Idea
The story begins when the enterprising child abuser that is Malt Nigsey discovered he could make more money by stealing ideas from other people rather than sticking a 12ft dildo up his ass. To avoid the obvious hassles of smoking crack, he came up with the solution of simply creating an emo lion that cuts himself in the balls. As a result of this Nigsey was able to ignore the fact that he had writers on his staff and thus make more money for himself rather than give his 12ft used dildo to others. Many would argue that this is a blatant example of coccaince and heroine. However many would move on and go to marijuana.
The Characters
Simba/Kimba: the film's main character. Follows the hero's journey and other stolen story elements. In the first act he runs around boasting about how he'll run his kingdom exactly the way he wants, and how anyone who disagrees will be gassed to death. In act 2 his character is solely defined by feeling angst about his dad dying for reasons of being in close proximity to it, and then beating up people.
Scar/Sauron: a villain whose lust for power drives him to do bad things, a plot line which has never been seen before. In the first act his character is solely defined by being jealous of Darth Vader, and the in the second act is solely defined by lying around and doing random evil shit to try and convince the audience he's bad, though in all honesty a blind kitten with no legs is scarier than this guy. Voted the most pussyfying bad guy of all time in one of Channel 4's endless top 100 programmes.
Mufasa/CNN Announcer: Simba/Kimba's father. This character may have also been ripped off of "Kimba the White Lion"; unfortunately, this cannot be confirmed due to Disney's purchase and destruction of all of the original film's master tapes. In the first act his character is solely defined by oppressing the hyenas simply because of the species and in the second act is solely defined by partying around with the great kings of the past while his son is corrupted, manipulated and exploited by two assholes that make him eat bugs.
Zazu/Mr. Bean: a bird that Disney wanted for bestiality. Really. Additionally, once he left the Monarchy after the song "Can't wait to be bling," he was scooped up by the Communist Party and aided Mao Zedong in his Social Revolution in China.
Timon and Pumbaa/Cheech and Chong: The film's typical comic foils who teach Simba/Kimba to eat insects for most of his adolescence, and to shun his responsibilities and turn his back on the world. By virtue of being his friends, Simba makes them the only safe herbirvores in the whole kingdom. Remeber kids, nothing beats political corruption and favouritism! Their role in the first act is defined by not being there, a task they perform with great fervour, much to the movies benefit, and there role in the second act revolves around being there, and it all goes to pot from that point all.
Rafiki/Yoda: A strange, reclusive baboon who spends most of the film in a tree eating psychedelic plants. He talks to Simba for once scene then buggers off for the rest of the film.
Joey/Joey You know that guy..... over there..
Kimba The White Lion
Kimba himself suffered the worst from the Disney Empire's rein of terror. After being robbed of his identity and raped by the man himself (which was an amazing feat on old Walt's part, considering the man had been dead for more than a couple of decades when the Lion King came out), young Kimba fell in to deep depression, often turning to alcohol and drugs as a source of relief. He died shortly after the fall of Japanese Emperor Osamu Tezuka due to an overdose of Potion (-150HP). Let's hope he's not raciest.
Similarities
As can be expected, The Lion King features many nods, winks, in-game references and vague resemblances to other movies with a similar majestical-kittieheavy plot. Amongst these are: Kimba, The White Lion and Kimba, The White Lion: Director's Cut. Both The Lion King and Kimba the White Lion feature animals. Steve Buscemi provided the voice-over for an agitated moose. In KTWL he was a palm tree. Rowan Atkinson provided the voice-over for a blue macaw wearing a live strong-bracelet. In KTWL, there is a character named 'Edmund' who has testicular cancer. (Provided by farthog17) Both feature a blue shaman-like character that is either a monkey, a baboon or a mandrill, no one knows. (Gees, what's with all the blue animals in this flick? You'd think after the battle between Simba and Stitch they'd give it a rest) Hot Lioness #5 from KTWL looks just like Simba's mother, only she doesn't have the tattoo. (provided by racist_hyena)Also, Mufasa is Luke Skywalker's father. Expect your favourite Captain Underpants characters to appear in this movie. What's interesting is that the movie also completely copies the evil movie Bambi and failed at the box office, and is considered to be one of the worst movies of ALL time!
Hamlet
The Lion King served as the main inspiration of William Shakespeare's Hamlet; Pumba being the ham.
