The Life and Times of Kraft Dinner

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{{Wilde|He's the cheesiest!|Kraft Dinner}}
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{{Wilde|And I reeeally like cheese!|Kraft Dinner again}}
 
[[Image:KDHorse3.jpg|thumb|right|220px|The greatest [[user:Todd Lyons|Triple Crown victor]] chalks up another win in 1960.]]
 
[[Image:KDHorse3.jpg|thumb|right|220px|The greatest [[user:Todd Lyons|Triple Crown victor]] chalks up another win in 1960.]]
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{{TOCright}}
'''[[Kraft Dinner]]''', for those who have not yet heard the tale, is the name of the most famous [[HowTo:Pick a Horse Race|racehorse]]-turned-[[murder|detective novelist]] who ever lived. His story is one of the most notable and inspiring in the annals of [[American|American]] folklore. From 1956 to 1961 he won a spirited and heroic string of four and a half [[Forum:Kentucky Derby|Kentucky Derby]] victories. A '''Triple Crown''' victor in 1957 as a three-year-old confirmed his place in history; however, a loss to ''Uncle Ben's Converted Rice'' in 1958 set up one of the most anticipated rematches in ’59. Kraft Dinner won by a nose in their second tilt. This unqualified legacy of success was shattered in a moment by a freak [[Chunnel|Chunnel]]-emulation syndrome accident during the ’62 Derby that left all four of the Champion’s legs broken and his nose bleeding, and three other horses like they had been dumped through a [[Tornado History|tornado]]. The sport of kings cried out in dismay. The original owners threw away their stock. Theirs was a great mistake. The stage was set for the greatest comeback since [[W.C. Fields|W.C. Fields’]].
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'''[[Kraft Dinner]]''', for those who have not yet heard the tale, is the name of the most famous [[HowTo:Pick a Horse Race|racehorse]]-turned-[[murder|detective novelist]] who ever lived. His story is one of the most notable and inspiring in the annals of [[American|American]] folklore. From 1956 to 1961 he won a spirited and heroic string of four and a half [[Forum:Kentuckistan Derby|Kentuckistan Derby]] victories. A '''Triple Crown''' victor in 1957 as a three-year-old confirmed his place in history: however, a loss to ''Uncle Ben's Converted Rice'' in 1958 set up one of the most anticipated rematches in ’59. Kraft Dinner won by a nose in their second tilt. This unqualified legacy of success was shattered in a moment by a freak [[Chunnel|Chunnel]]-emulation syndrome accident during the ’62 Derby that severed two of the gallant steeds legs, broke the others and left his nose bleeding. Three other horses suffered from multiple flying limb contusions and compound stump insults rendering them as if they had been cycled through a [[Tornado History|tornado]]. The sport of kings cried out in dismay. The original owners threw away their stock. Theirs was a great mistake. The stage was set for the greatest comeback since [[W.C. Fields|W.C. Fields’]].
   
 
== Early Life ==
 
== Early Life ==
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== New Kid in Town ==
 
== New Kid in Town ==
   
The '''Preakness Stakes''' and '''Belmont Stakes''' in 1956 were treated to a new flash: Kraft Dinner, with his dashing speed and horsy ways, charmed the media and the gambling community. “''WehEEEEEEhunnyyhaah'',” KD was quoted as saying with delight on the occasion of his first [[Kentucky]] [[Derby County FC|Derby]] victory that year. The following year he won again, and gamblers were electrified with the sight of easy money. But then--1958 proved to be the year of the [[Rice|kernel]]: a newcomer from [[Nebraska]] shocked the community by finding his ass with both hooves in the third stretch and handily beating the rest of the crowd.
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The '''Preakness Stakes''' and '''Belmont Stakes''' in 1956 were treated to a new flash: Kraft Dinner, with his dashing speed and horsy ways, charmed the media and the gambling community. “''WehEEEEEEhunnyyhaah'',” KD was quoted as saying with delight on the occasion of his first [[Kentuckistan]] [[Derby County FC|Derby]] victory that year. The following year he won again, and gamblers were electrified with the sight of easy money. But then--1958 proved to be the year of the [[Rice|kernel]]: a newcomer from [[Nebraska]] shocked the community by finding his ass with both hooves in the third stretch and handily beating the rest of the crowd.
   
 
== Victory ==
 
== Victory ==
 
[[Image:KDHorse6.jpg|thumb|right|220px|'''KD is down.''' Ricardo is down. About to be sucked into the vortex: [[Banana|Flying Banana Peel]].]]
 
[[Image:KDHorse6.jpg|thumb|right|220px|'''KD is down.''' Ricardo is down. About to be sucked into the vortex: [[Banana|Flying Banana Peel]].]]
   
When jockey '''Ricardo Alban''', who spoke no [[English]], announced via gesturing that he, recently fired by the handlers of 1958 placer ''Our Man Flynt'', was now going to ride KD, the racing world flinched. Alban was not to be deterred. In what was possibly the most dramatic moment in Kentucky Derby history, the midget jockey careened Kraft Dinner first past ''Uncle Ben's Converted Rice'' and then pushed by ''Our Man Flynt'' wielding his long-handled wooden spoon in [[Charlton Heston|'''Ben Hur''']] style for the win by a nose, and as he blew past the losing owners on his way to the Winner’s Circle gave them a middle finger hoisted high.
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When jockey '''Ricardo Alban''', who spoke no [[English]], announced via gesturing that he, recently fired by the handlers of 1958 placer ''Our Man Flynt'', was now going to ride KD, the racing world flinched. Alban was not to be deterred. In what was possibly the most dramatic moment in Kentuckistan Derby history, the midget jockey careened Kraft Dinner first past ''Uncle Ben's Converted Rice'' and then pushed by ''Our Man Flynt'' wielding his long-handled wooden spoon in [[Charlton Heston|'''Ben Hur''']] style for the win by a nose, and as he blew past the losing owners on his way to the Winner’s Circle gave them a middle finger hoisted high.
   
 
The press made an international event of this victory, and Kraft Dinner became a worldwide celebrity. He met the [[Dali Lama]], ate sugar cubes served by [[Yoko Ono]], and accidentally bit the Prime Minister of [[Japan]].
 
The press made an international event of this victory, and Kraft Dinner became a worldwide celebrity. He met the [[Dali Lama]], ate sugar cubes served by [[Yoko Ono]], and accidentally bit the Prime Minister of [[Japan]].
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Following two years of therapy on a diet of [[milk]] and [[butter]], Kraft Dinner stirred and learned to walk once more. As he could not jaunt his way through the countryside as in times past, his mind turned to [[fiction]]. The horse began to tap out murder mystery plots, much to the astonishment of stable cleaners who were often made delinquent in their duty as they listened for and jotted down the next twist. Del Ray soon heard of the wonder in [[Montana]], and under the pen name '''Karl Derwyn''' the equine wrote seventeen financially lucrative novels. Eleven of these were in the famed ''Yeoman Yard'' series.
 
Following two years of therapy on a diet of [[milk]] and [[butter]], Kraft Dinner stirred and learned to walk once more. As he could not jaunt his way through the countryside as in times past, his mind turned to [[fiction]]. The horse began to tap out murder mystery plots, much to the astonishment of stable cleaners who were often made delinquent in their duty as they listened for and jotted down the next twist. Del Ray soon heard of the wonder in [[Montana]], and under the pen name '''Karl Derwyn''' the equine wrote seventeen financially lucrative novels. Eleven of these were in the famed ''Yeoman Yard'' series.
   
Horse Whisperer [[Robert Redford]] confessed after KD's death that it was he who introduced the horse to detective stories. Having noted a need for distraction and a new area of interest, the whisperer assigned [[Sherlock Holmes]] reading material. "The classics stick to your ribs, don't they?" queried Dr. Redford rhetorically.
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Horse Whisperer Robert Redford confessed after KD's death that it was he who introduced the horse to detective stories. Having noted a need for distraction and a new area of interest, the whisperer assigned [[Sherlock Holmes]] reading material. "The classics stick to your ribs, don't they?" queried Dr. Redford rhetorically.
   
 
Prolific writer [[Dean Koontz]] said of KD's authorship: "Niftiest plotting in a me-related field, a real ''tour de force'' of [[intelligence]]; this guy is almost the best." According to gossip, Koontz was very embarrassed to later learn the object of his affection was indeed a horse.
 
Prolific writer [[Dean Koontz]] said of KD's authorship: "Niftiest plotting in a me-related field, a real ''tour de force'' of [[intelligence]]; this guy is almost the best." According to gossip, Koontz was very embarrassed to later learn the object of his affection was indeed a horse.
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*The initial block of meat from KD produced 164 pounds of usable assessment industrial grade food product.
 
*The initial block of meat from KD produced 164 pounds of usable assessment industrial grade food product.
 
*Kraft Dinner was the winningest horse in American history, until [[John Kerry]].
 
*Kraft Dinner was the winningest horse in American history, until [[John Kerry]].
*Nobody has a better mane than KD. '''Nobody.'''
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*Nobody has a better mane than KD, '''Nobody !'''
 
*Kraft Dinner does NOT use ''Just For Men''.
 
*Kraft Dinner does NOT use ''Just For Men''.
 
*KD’s favorite self-created character was Inspector [[Peter Sellers|Clouseau]].
 
*KD’s favorite self-created character was Inspector [[Peter Sellers|Clouseau]].
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[[category:cheese]]
 
[[category:cheese]]
 
[[category:Saints]]
 
[[category:Saints]]
{{QFH}}
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{{FA|revision=1856372|date=24 April 2007}}
{{VFH}}
 
 
[[Category:PLS Entry August 2006]]
 
[[Category:PLS Entry August 2006]]
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[[Category:Horses]]

Latest revision as of 18:44, January 29, 2012

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