The Legend O' Zelda (series)
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“....................”
~ Link on responding to anyone's casual conversation.
“MAH BOI!”
~ King Harkinian on The Legend O' Zelda
“When the game was in its final stages, our executives were nervous. How would the public to react to a lesbian elf heroine in a short skirt and tights? Finally, I just said, "Let's say it's a boy in a tunic," and the rest was history.”
~ Shigeru Potatomoto, creator, on Link.
The Legend O' Zelda is a long time running game saga based on the hit television series of the same name and created by former farmhand Shigeru Potatomoto.
Contents |
[edit] Early Games
The first Legend o' Zelda games, which were originally created as a series of Choose Your Own Adventure books, focused on the adventures of Linkie, a farmhand, Miss Zelda, a farmer's daughter, and Good Ol' Ganon. These were immediate hits in the rural game playing crowd, and critics loved them for their down-to-earth, homespun appeal. The games were later re-released in fully electronic form and are still wildly popular today, every year selling more copies than the Bible and Harry Potter combined.
[edit] The Legend o' Zelda: Ye Good Old Golden Oldie
First Legend o' Zelda, in which farmhand Linkie discovers that Miss Zelda, daughter of his boss, has been kidnapped by fundie farmer Good Ol' Ganon, who believes her feminist ways are a thorn in the foot of the guy above(also known as God) and will bring floods and bad harvests to all of Hickrule. During the kidnapping, her Triforce of Feminism was completely destroyed and the remnants were sold at an auction downtown. Linkie decides that instead of saving her, it would bring much more profit to recollect her Triforce and E-Bay it. What follows is a wild rampage to the countryside, inhabited solely by monsters(the results of years of Hillbillie inbreeding) and old people who have traded their houses for caves and spend time giving away useless wooden tools to passing would-be heroes. The rampage ends in a raid on the house of Ganon himself, during which Link accidentally saves Zelda, defeats Ganon and gets sued for a zillion dollar(cause: property damages). Miss Zelda then sues him for trying to abduct her Triforce, Ganon escapes and the whole adventure turns out to be for naught.
[edit] The Legend o' Zelda: Ya Good Ol' Advent'r'
The story takes off where we left Linkie the previous time, namely in a lawsuit about property damages and ownership of the Triforce of Feminism. The game has the longest open narrative ever in a videogame to date, full of incomprehensible juridical jargon, ending in Miss Zelda falling asleep in the middle of court session. The judge proclaims that court is suspended until the girl wakes up, giving Linkie the opportunity to assemble(read: force into working for him) a gang of mad law sharks/lawyer. Unfortunately, good law sharks are few and far between in Hickrule, meaning Linkie must go on another trek across the backwater region. Once again this involves a mad adventure, viewed from the side instead of top-down this time, leading to less hassle with gamers taping themselves to ceilings. The inbred Hillbillies return, together with a diverse cast of lawyers that need to be subdued by our almighty farmhand hero. The game ends with a comeback of the Thunderbirds, and Linkie fighting his own shadow during a bad acid trip. Also, the lawsuit gets canceled due to lack of interest.
[edit] The Legend o' Zelda: Ye Past Ain' Wha It Used Ta Be
For a time, everything seems to be just fine in Hickrule. Miss Zelda has returned to her father's farm, Linkie has now moved in with his ranch owning uncle Cleg, and Good Ol' Ganon is nowhere to be seen. However, when on one stormy night uncle Cleg goes outside to check on the cows, he does not return. Linkie, after hearing moans from the stable, decides to check out the situation. He finds his uncle, raped to near death by the cattle, telling Linkie that the mysterious cattle merchant Ahahahahahahahahahahahim(he is referred to as 'Long A' for the rest of the game, Thankgod ) has cast a spell on six maidens(all inbred sisters), making them crave the evil lout. If the merchant marries them all, he will gain a lot of extra property and a dominant marketing position on the Hickrule cattle market, which will drive the countryside into chaos. Linkie rescues Miss Zelda from the evil merchant's farm, locates 3 patents so that he can legally manufacture a Master Fork, travels to Las Vegas to stop the wedding from happening, collects the six maidens from their raunchy motel rooms, drives them home, takes on Long A(who turns out to be Good Ol' Ganon), manages to secure the rights of ownership for all three Triforce parts, makes a wishlist for Santa, types a sentence that is way too long and still manages to get home in time for dinner.
[edit] The Legend o' Zelda: Sleepy Ol' Countryside
This game directly picks up the story after the previous game(seems logical...). Linkie gets home for dinner, which consists of leftovers from yesterday's party, German sausages(no innuendo), Thai discount wine and champagne pudding for dessert. This translates into lots of bad alcohol and LSD that was found lying on the floor(dubbed Nintendope). Linkie tries to sleep off the incoming acid trip, and strangely enough wakes up on a beach next to a nearly naked chick named Marin, who tells Linkie she'll do him a Windfish(an indescribable sexual position banned even from the Complete Creative Kama Sutra Compendium) if he can find her some instruments for suitable background music. Linkie eagerly agrees and walks into the sea, winding up in a forest where he meets a raccoon that tells him to get lost, who changes into Marin with beard and mustache, who changes into car keys,which changes into a mushroom, which changes, moments before Linkie tries to sniff it, into a Full Moon Cowbell. Linkie tries to walk back to the beach, only to find himself sinking into a swamp full of flowers, which all get eaten by an oversized dog, who is then kidnapped, leaving only a steaming pile of dog turd, with a jar in it. After breaking the jar, Linkie finds the Samba Balls of Blitzkrieg. Next, he floats away over a plain towards a luxurious villa were a rich land-owner wants him to find golden hash leaves so he can smoke :crack:, and is crushed under a castle inhabited by a monkey with a stick that falls from the sky. The monkey gives Linkie the Sashimi Organ, which gets stolen by lots of talking animals who also steal Marin, group rape her and leave her for dead in the desert, with a key jammed in her vagina. Linkie takes the key and tosses it into the ocean, killing a fish in the process, which spits out the Surf's Up Digeridoo. Linkie then gets possessed by a ghost, who drags him around all kinds of hallucinogenic wastelands before burying him alive together with the Fart Keyboard. Linkie travels to some old ruïns next, where a statue tells him it is all a dream and he should wake up for it is becoming way to incoherent, whereafter Linkie goes visiting the neighbouring ruins where an owl hands him the Ludicrous Piccolo. Next Linkie goes mountaineering and is aided by a rooster who saves him from plunging into the sky, and together they fight a monster tower atop a high eagle(or the other way around) and Linkie receives the Acoustic Guitar of Eternal Depression. Finally, he locates the games' first real dungeon, Turd Rock, only to find it "Closed for Maintenance". However, the Final Instrument Of Post-Rock grows out of his eyeball, so all the instruments are in place. Marin rises from the ground, now nude, and all the instruments begin playing a horrid combination of grindcore, crust punk and D-Beat, making the speakers of the console go asplode in an instant. Linkie wakes up right as the sex scene seems to begin, next to a sheep. This, combined with the game's incoherent randomness and lack of player control, makes the game a realistic presentation of both a wet dream and a bad trip, which in turn makes critics consider it the best Zelda yet.
[edit] The Legend o' Zelda: Twighlight Pimp
In the latest game, Legend O' Zelda: Twighlight pimp, Link meets a pimp named Suckma Peen Ayez. Suckma forces Link to do multiple perverted things for cash. This has led to controversy to whether or not the game should be teen or mature.
Another problem with the game is it is impossible to win because one of the boss fights is a grue. It is a well understood fact that Link isn't 1337 enought to kill a grue. Thus, making it impossible to actually beat the game.
The game was never released in the USA because of only selling a total of 6 copies in Japan.This includes 5 people at Nintendo who bought it just to raise their sales number. The other person is probably gay or bat fuck insane.
[edit] Legend of Zelda (Spinoff)
Although Potatomoto enjoyed glorious success through his Legend o' Zelda series, he still yearned to tap the small fragment of the video game buying market that did not live on a farm. To reach this audience, he created a spinoff series, the Legend of Zelda, that he thought city folk would find more relatable. Although he produced many of these games as he searched for a formula with universal appeal, very few people were interested in the Legend of Zelda sub-series, and critics consider it Potatomoto's worst mistake.
The Legend of Zelda series was originally envisioned as a trilogy, beginning in 1987 with the titular Legend of Zelda. The hero, Link, is an effeminate mute who is charged with the task of collecting all the pieces of the Triforce and rescuing Princess Zelda. Unsurprisingly, this tired concept of item collection coupled with princess liberation elicited barely a yawn from the gaming community. Hoping to ride on the coattails of celebrity, Potatomoto released a sequel entitled Blink-182 is Passé, also known as A Blink to the Past. In this game, Link travels across Hyrule vanquishing pop-rock stars who have stolen the Triforce in order to maintain celebrity status well after they should have fallen into obscurity. The last game Link's Arousal follows Link's adventures after saving Hyrule, as he goes on an island vacation to get laid by tropical ladies and/or owls, only to find that he must escape before any of his various conquests develop expectations of "commitment."
Although no one actually played any of the above games, Potatomoto was determined to try again. He released a new series of games that featured Link as the main character but did not maintain any kind of strict continuity. The Ocarina of Time was the first of these games. It attempted to provide gamers with an innovative gameplay experiences by incorporating music into play. It was a noble effort, but ultimately a failed one as video game consoles of the day could not play sound. Its sequel was Majora's Mask, in which Link must win the title of Most Beautiful Girl at Majora's Masquerade Ball. Finally, Potatomoto decided to put the Legend of Zelda concept to rest with The Wind Waker. In this last installment, which sadly and poetically echoes the passage of time in a man's life, Link goes sailing across and endless sea. Forever. Until he dies.
[edit] Other Games
The following games were not made necessarily as part of the Legend o' Zelda canon but rather as spinoffs or works of fanservice.
[edit] Recurring Tropes
Below, listed into different categories, are noteworthy features commonly found in the series.
[edit] Weapons and Items
- Link's Sword: Link's main sword boasts the power to vanquish evil. Shigeru Potatomoto's psych major roommate from college advised him that a sword was a little too phallic for the main character, which is why in all of the Legend o' Zelda games, Link's sword is actually a loaf of sandwich bread.
- Superior Sword: Called by various names in the different installments of Legend o' Zelda, this sword is superior to Link's in every way, but for some reason does not have the evil-fighting powers of the latter and is therefore useless against the final boss.
- Papaya Leaf Shield: The poor man's shield. Very affordable for farmhands without proper income.
- Bow and Arrow: Becomes obsolete when you purchase the Hyrulian Machine Gun.
- Death Smash Hammer: Hammer with the power of healing.
- Wand Of Magicxxx: Robots, fairies, uber-power shield with balancing stats dumbed down and an overall cap of 304+/- and an instant Magic Meter drain. Its only use is to make fireworks.
- Lens Of Truth: Can see ghosts, fake walls and women's undies. Careful, using it to look at yourself in a mirror causes a universe-ending paradox.
- Boomerang: It flies away. It comes back. It flies away. It comes back. It flies away, Link turns to look at a pretty gir--WHACK!
- Ocarina: Plays American Jazz, Euro-Jazz, and Jazzy Jazz.
- Bottle: Store things in this handy bottle. If you get desperate, you can always smash it into your enemy's face.
[edit] Boss Enemies
- Miyangle-Actually, the creator of the series, but now with three heads. Breathes garlic, has stakes for nails, and floods the room with holy water. Since there are no vampires in Hickrule, this is the easiest boss of the entire game.
- Ganon (Or Ganondorf, whatever)- The most recurring enemy, often appearing as the final boss. He was a leader of the Gerudo, a race of desert brigands, he acquired great magical power (the source of which varies) to become a king of darkness and considered to be the archenemy of Link.
- Volvagia-Chinese fire dragon that burrows in lava. Sounds cool, right? Now replace it with an armor-clad wyvern that vomits orange gas and goes down in minutes, despite battling in a tense and epic surrounding. And weep.
- Mr. Driller-A dangerous man with a drill approaches. Drum rolls and choir chants. The climax: "Sorry, wrong game." Then walks out.
- The Beatles-They don't look very threatening...and then they start playing. The game freezes into a repeating dancing loop, and all you can do is watch Linkie groovin' out...dammit, people, we need to focus on the central themes!
- Evil Moldorm of Hyrule- after you defeat this thing, it'll come back to haunt you in your dream about a giant fish egg and you'll have to kill it again with a boomerang you traded your grandfather's cherished shovel for, 'nuff said.
- Tekite- in EVERY SINGLE game NO EXCEPTION! (Just like Zelda, Link, Octoroks, Ganondorf, a giant fish diety, Pots to smash, cool-looking sword, annoying sidekicks, now that I think about it Nintendo really does repeat everything.)
- Naviz0rr - An annoying fairy monster using an ultra sonic "hello" attack as it's main weapon. Is defeated by smashing pots and inducing jealousy by making out with other fairies.
[edit] See also
Erm... nothing else, really.
