The Last World War
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“First I predicted we were going to use sticks and stones, then I predicted we were going to use sticks and stone again, finally I gave up and decided we were going to use nukes, but guess what? WE"RE USING F***ING STICKS AND STONES THIS TIME, for f***'s sake, is luck never on my side?”
The Last World War (known as WW∞ in America), was the successor to the Penultimate World War, although this was not known at the time. It was the last global conflict in humanity's history. It was a war on such epic proportions that not a single human being was left at the end of it (I'm a red panda writing this. Deal with it.) Many wars had come before, but the human race had recovered every time and even rebuilt Earth a few times. But this time not even a habitable planet was left in the entire Solar System.
It is often considered to be the end of Human history, and was the only Notable thing that happened before humanity's demise shortly after the war. No mini-series was ever made on it, and historians neglected to write books about the period, because they were all dead.
Events leading up to the war
After the Penultimate World War the nations of the world decided that the devastation of the many wars should never be repeated, so the entire political structure of the world was reformed to be the same as it was shortly before World War III because they thought this was the most politically stable time in history. Every country was reformed to be exactly the same as in the year 2000 (except Africa) through terraforming (which People where at war with at one point) even though it is now the year 120,362 and there were quite a few more wars after World War Three.
Overview of the war
This section gives an overview of the various stages of the war (footnotes are included with extra information).
Beginnings of War
South Africa finally gets its ass in gear after thousands of years and invades Zimbabwe. Lesoto and the other little country near it follow. Neighbouring countries soon join them so they wont get invaded themselves. At the same time Kazakhstan establishes the United Soviet Stan Republics (USSR) made from all the neighbouring countries called Stan, which were previously part of the Soviet Union (except Russia because they will say they are not communist anymore,those lying bastards.).
South Africa invade all neighbouring countries they come across (except Madagascar who fend them off with deadly coconut bombardments). They now call themselves ‘The Great South African Government’. Next Canada releases all its pent up aggressiveness after being peaceful for so long, invades Alaska and then moves on to Greenland (and renames it Whitleland because it's not green) and pulls Denmark into the war. America does nothing as it reverts to its usual strategy of trying to look like the good guys and stay out of the war.
The USSR now declares itself a single state and annexes several non-Stan countries on the grounds that they used to be Communist and is now called the United Soviet Stans and Some Other Republics (USSSOR). Now that they own the Caspian Sea they have an excuse to build a big-ass navy and plan to use it to invade part of Russia and move on to East Europe. Denmark senses the threat coming from the east and west and attempts to unify Europe to hold off the invaders, although many states chicken out (probably under the influence of France). They ally with The Great South African Government to help them stop South Americans Invading from the south as the Canadian Empire is rousing them to war against the rich Americans to the North.
The War turns Global
Russia allows the USSSOR through so they can invade the Ukraine, because everyone knows they are still Commie bastards anyway. Canadian Empire invades Iceland and renames it Icebergland and start to build an arsenal of nuclear weapons to launch their surprise attack on Europe. They begin their official invasion of the USA, they do this in a perfectly straight line so it still looks neat on the map except for the Great Lakes so they can now say that they actually belong to them. America says ‘they were Canada’s anyway’ and still stays out of the war.
Many more European countries join the allies because they are scared of invasion by the USSSOR, France is still defiantly wussing out, claiming it will win by doing ‘absolutely nothing’. Greece tries to put aside its past problems with Turkey and they join together to make a flank attack on the advance of the USSSOR letting everyone turn their attention on Canada and ending the war there and then, saving the lives of millions of innocent people. Turkey subsequently farts in Greece’s face and joins the side of the Communists and starts by taking Cyprus for themselves (although not becoming part of the USSSOR,just because they want an excuse to fight Greece). Cambodia, Venezuela and that other one join the side of Canada, only Central America separates them from a pincer move on the USA. Several South American countries join the side of the Communists. All the Central African countries join together to become the ‘Greater Central African Government’ on the side of the Communists and declare war on the Great South African government.
The Rise of Communism
Most of Europe is now on the side of the Allies, except France and Spain who both sign a treaty to do bugger all. The armies of the USSSOR and Turkey plough into Europe and achieve many victories against the Allies. The Canadians continue their slow but completely straight advance into the USA. The South American countries on Canada's side advance up Central America, completely obliterating local armies who oppose them. The puny country of Honduras, however, puts on a fierce fight, claiming that they would defend their "natural treasures". In the end, however, the Hondurans give up when their national soccer team is pwnd on an epic scale on a game against Canadian HOCKEY players, allowing the Canadians to advance all the way up Central America. Unsurprisingly Cuba joins the side of the Communists and captures as many nearby islands as possible, this causes an 'island race' with the Canadian South Americans.
Surprisingly Brazil joins the Communists, causing all of South America to choose sides (except Chile who are so long and thin they slip through the net), this splits the Continent. The Great South African Government and the Greater Central African Government clash in huge land battles across Africa with many casualties.
Canada finally begins its long awaited invasion of Europe, beginning by nuking it to hell, although most of the nukes seemed to end up in France and Belgium due to a 'computation error' the two countries are completely blown to fuck and are now unfit for human habitation (so no change there).
Expanding fronts of War
Canada invades Norway and Ireland and is only held back due to the time it takes to co-ordinate its neat invasion of America. The South Americans take all of Central America but are slowed down by a strong defense by Mexico. The Canadian South Americans advance into Argentina. West Europe is momentarily saved from the USSSOR's wrath because they concentrate on invading all the former-communist countries. Turkey and Greece have a stalemate due to them both using kebabs to fight the enemy and are unable to beat each other so Turkey turns North. This stalemate is known as the Greased Turkey stalemate, but since no one could take the event/name seriously, and is commonly denied ever occurring. After receiving backup from Brazil, the Greater Central African Government turns the tables on the Great South African Government. Things were looking bad for the allies when India, Australia and their allies join on their side, the USSSOR persuades China to join them to stop this new threat from the East. Australia attempts to take action but it doesn't know what it's doing and is like "WTF mate?". If any historians are left after the carnage, they would call this hilarious. The prime minister of Australia then gathers his minions at the nearest Outback steakhouse to discuss this decision that they have just made. All his minions are kangaroos so they naturally agree and are held responsible for all Australian bloodshed. around this time Australia was dangerously close to a revolution of the population. The koalas are outraged by their actions and devise a plan to assassinate the Prime Minister and all the freaking kangaroos. However, They are too lazy and just sleep in their tree and eat the leaves while talking about their plan. Thus creating the phrase, "Beware the drop bear".
Because they are feeling left out, Egypt joins Canada and bring the fight to North Africa. The Pharaoh asks for stuff from canada, but he does not get any more slaves as he hoped. All he gets is hockey pucks and sticks, and lots of teeth. As their supply of pucks, sticks, and teeth grows larger, the colder it gets; it wasn't Canada's location on the earth that made it so cold, it was the hockey sticks and pucks. As winter develops in Egypt, many of the people there die. They are not used to this kind of freezing temperature and were not ready for it. As Egyptians adapts to their new lives, there is an outbreak of a new Canadian disease nicknamed "the dull skate." as this spreads, almost all of Egypt's people die. Soon there would be nothing left of the once proud country. As a sign of respect, Australia rigs the entire country with explosives. All of the hockey pucks and sticks are destroyed and the Canadian evil is defeated once and for all. All of the world takes 10 days off to celebrate the end of the Canadian's evil spell. (except Canadians who are celebrating another holiday and are too drunk even to function for 10 days.)
Losses on all sides
With Mexico under the evil influence of Venezuela and the Canadians killing and pillaging their way into the USA, the President decides that being invaded is a bad thing and FINALLY enters the war on the side of the Allies for the sole reason that it came first on their alphabetical list of possible choices. With Brazil's help Cuba invades all the Caribbean islands. Argentina and Ecuador are taken from the Communists in a series of major victories. In Africa, Egypt carves out a huge chunk of North Africa for themselves, the Greater Central African Government leaves their back door open to attack, letting the South Africans take a huge-ass peace of land from them. The Canadian Empire invades Siberia. Russia, now feeling threatened by the Canadian Empire 'lends' East Russia to the USSSOR, effectively taking over the lot. They now call themselves the Russian United Soviet Stans and Some Other Republics (RUSSSOR) and steal Poland from the Allies, they invade Finland, leading them into open conflict with the Canadian Empire. Turkey continues to pussy out because of Greece for fear of losing more kebabs then getting their asses whooped and invades Israel, leading to fights with the Canadian Egyptian army. Canada sinks France because it is a waste of time having a country you can't invade. India leads a successful invasion force into China while Asstralia spends its time invading claiming Indonesia for the Allies.
The beginning of global destruction
With the Canadian alliance closing in on all sides and the Cubans now owning Florida, America decides on a drastic measure to destroy the Canadian empire once and for all. On the 22 June 120,344 AD the American President (just after finishing his mid-morning Happy Meal) will press the big red button that makes the USA self-destruct, taking most of North America with it. Only the Canadian islands remain and these soon form the Canadian remnants and leave the war. Egypt, being the second biggest power in the former Canadian Alliance soon established itself as leader of the newly formed Egyptian Axis of Power (including Egypt’s Empire and all the surviving members of the Canadian Alliance). Canadian occupation forces in Europe completely break down and let the Allies begin their liberation of Europe, although the Mediterranean territories were under Egyptian control and were still heavily defended. Even RUSSSOR is distracted by the cataclysmic events in North America, letting the Allies march into Poland. Although Turkey makes no advances it remains too great a foe to attack yet. Meanwhile Egypt was hard at work, it has systematically taken command of all nearby Canadian territory and was fighting it’s way south into the heart of the Greater Central African Government’s land. The Great South African Government was also continuing its invasion of Central Africa. China, meanwhile was being forced to withdraw from its occupied territories to stop the Indian invasion, this of course left the way for Australia to close the gap and reach Chinese soil unhindered. In South America the Egyptian Alliance performed a pincer movement on the Communists, practically isolating Brazil fro its allies. Things were looking bad for the Communists, they were losing ground on all sides and although the main centre of attention was Europe, if China fell they RUSSSOR would be surrounded. Little did the Americans know, the Canadians had a stock of nuclear powered space rockets, equipped with stolen hyperspace thingies from the pyramids, escaped, knowing that some time the American president would rage and just blow up the continent. When the pressure was on the Americans, the Canadians escaped, killed a fatso, and then really escaped, going to some other habitable planet.
The Changing Face of War
In China the situation was now getting desperate, with two powerful countries to the south things were looking grim. RUSSSOR began pouring funds into China and so, inexplicably, was the Egyptian Alliance. A huge upheaval came in China, ending with the Communist government being kicked out. The new Neo-Fascist Asian-Revival government turned the countries of East Asia against their Allied Occupiers, creating a new world power, the Greater-East-Asia-Co-Prosperity-Sphere (GEACPS). As the two enemy armies were nearing its capital the Greater Central African Government came up with a desperate plan, they launched all their nuclear weapons at the North Pole to flood Europe and distract the Allies and the Egyptians. Although the ice caps were completely melted, flooding many nations, the Egyptian Empire got to the capital first and the Great Central African Government was no more. Now all of North America was destroyed Brazil had no allies to turn to and surrendered to the Egyptian Alliance. Now much of Asia had joined the Asian Alliance and its focus turned to RUSSSOR. Turkey now decided to involve a part of the world which had mainly stayed out of the war up until now: the middle east. Rather than invading the middle eastern nations they inspired them to hatred against the Egyptians and promised them a new Islamic World Regime, with this propaganda boost the Turkish army grew enormously without the need for spending on occupying forces.
The fall of Communism
Now things RUSSSOR’s power was diminishing. The Asian Alliance had begun a huge invasion of the Communist homeland and the Allies were claiming huge tracts of land in West Russia. Turkey was now becoming more independent from its Communist allies and looked set to change sides in the near future after communications with RUSSSOR broke down and they refused to help stop the allied invasion in the north. They were attempting to reach Italy to utilize their pasta facilities to finally break the kebab deadlock, which had occurred with Greece. Things were going well for the Egyptian Empire as they stormed into South Africa and the South Americans began a coastal invasion of Africa. In this year a great natural disaster befell Australia. Bamboo spores from the Asian Provinces had been blown to Australia by severe Arctic winds. Millions of spores had gestated in the soil and now took over Australia’s ecosystems, their advance was so great that all of the continent was covered in bamboo and they sucked the land dry until all life had died and Australia had shrunk to a fraction of its former self. Needless to say it was no longer part of the allies territory.
The New Mega-Powers
The first thing Turkey did after Australia had collapsed was join the side of the Asian Alliance because of their ‘total expansion’ strategy i.e. conquering all enemies and making them fight for you, no room was given by the Asians for negotiation or genocide. The Egyptian Empire realised what a waste of time South Africa was and simply nuked the hell out of it until it sank into the sea, the rest of Africa simply gave up soon after. Knowing that the Allies’ situation was desperate the Egyptian Empire offered Europe to join them against the hugely powerful Asian Alliance, the Allies knew they couldn’t fight on alone and reluctantly join the Imperialist side, except England/Communist Isolationist states of England (CISOE) which destroyed Ireland and Wales before buggering off to the North American Ocean claiming it had re-taken America and didn’t need to fight in the war anymore. Also the Egyptians joined Spain to Africa with a land bridge so it wasn’t part of Europe anymore. With Egypt’s resources the former Allied forces ploughed into the Communist state until they met with the Asian Alliance’s army and began what would be the final showdown of the two biggest world powers ever seen on the face of the Earth.
South America then tried to leave the war, but the Egyptian Alliance who weren’t takin' crap from anyone right now, detonated the enormous land mines they had placed under South America ‘just in case’. The Asian Alliance was now a practical steamroller and easily crushed Europe, while the Egyptian Alliance used its great naval power and religious influence to seize India and Saudi Arabia. Meanwhile Turkey was attempting to make Greece pay them back all of their kebabs they lost but Greece was like Fuck you and Turkey ran to China crying but instead of getting there way like usual they got bitch slapped and became the new France of the world.
The Beginning of the End
At this time a huge alien battlefleet, which had been setting up operations on Mars, seeing the world gradually destroying itself, now invaded a huge area of the planet in a matter of weeks with their amazingly advanced technology. The two world powers now had an even more formidable enemy interposed between them. At a conference on the 56th Marchtron 120,375 AD the world powers agreed that the new enemy was completely beyond either of their powers to defeat and if they were conquered the world population would suffer a fate worse than death being enslaved by the aliens(these aliens are like cookies). Instead of a hopeless last stand they decided on a plan. A secret mission into the centre of the planet was sent while the war raged on the Earth’s surface, the most powerful Neutron-Antimatter bomb ever made was deposited near the Earth’s core so it would cause a Solar System-wide disaster, not only destroying the Alien land forces but their fleet as well. The movie Journey to the center of the earth is actually based upon this event. Bill Gates by then, had paid Stephen Hawking to build a time machine. He created many bad movies that he thought would be great, but failed at doing anything that mattered. Bill had his name erased from all of the failed projects he helped make. After he went back in time, the bomb was in place and the countdown began. As the final hours of the bomb countdown ticked away and the alien forces blasted their way to the Capital cities of the Earth’s powers a small team made its way into an alien base and stole a spaceship from the aliens, these people escaped the planet and were long gone by the time the world finally ended. These people were not identified and eventually ended up crashing into the sun. Unescaped people knew that they would be blasted, so they made a strange device which will recreate the universe, destroying all treats outside of EARTH, and giving them all the memories of country relationships but taking the EARTH's countries the way they were at 2009. The science would be the way it was at 2072. They dropped it accidentally to the center of EARTH, so they waited for it to be activated when EARTH destroys itself.
The Absolute End
At 5:55 pm while the siege of Beijing will be reaching it’s climax the Neuto-Antimatter bomb will go off. Whoopsies! The explosion will be even greater than conceived by the human scientists. The Eastern half of the Earth erupted and will fling a huge concentrated anti-matter ball into the sun, which imploded with such ferocity that every object present in the solar system was completely vaporised within minutes.
The entire alien army will be destroyed, and even the mothership, which has anti anti-matter shields, will hit by a huge anti-matter induced localized black hole, instantly dragging it into the void of the 12th Dimension. Jebus and God will look on, absolutely shitting themselves. After the sun will explode only a space colony on the other side of the universe, populated entirely by 40 Irish men and one English woman, will survive, and they will populate another planet and all will get drunk.
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