The Lake District

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NOTICE TO POTENTIAL TOURISTS OF THE LAKE DISTRICT: All of the following is absolutely, infallibly true. Don't believe a word of it.


Enraged Local Cumbrian, pictured writing to NorthWest newspaper on the subject of "satire", entitled strange fits of passion I have known.

“I wandered lonely as a cloud, wondering how the hell I could get out of this place.”
~ William Wordsworth on The Lake District
“Com-ed-y? No, can't say I've ever heard that word before. What's that?”
~ Lake District Peninsulas Tourism Partnership on This article

Ah, the Lake District! A peaceful, beautiful area of Northern England.

Frankly, it bored the arse off me, and I only went for five days. Anyway, this is a rough guide to the Lake District, which, hopefully, will discourage you from visiting it.


The Lake District is situated in the middle of Nowhereshire, a county in Northern England.

The District itself is the last part of a long stretch of land known as Harse. This has given it the nickname "the Harse-end of England."


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Lake District.

The Lake District was built in 1858 as a tourist attraction for the Victorians. The hills were originally made up of piles of corpses (a landfill method still supported by the BNP), and as a result, the hills suffered from massive subsidance. As the hills collapsed, the corpses shot up from beneath the ground, thus creating a scene similar to Night of the Living Dead.

The construction needed to be better planned and be of a much higher quality (much like this article) so a master architect named Sir Josiah Babblethwaitiziwigley was brought in to oversee the project. Babblethwait... oh stuff it, JB, he's called JB... JB was known for his other works, such as the Giant's Causeway in Leprechaunland. JB soon sorted out the main problems in the original plans, such as using rotting ex-humans as a building material.

JB replaced the cadavers with the Victorian favourite, iron, thus making the sheer mass of the Lake District magnetic. As you can imagine, this caused several problems, not least of all random flying cutlery. The problem was solved by putting an even bigger magnet at the North Pole, causing compasses to once again show the correct direction.

Iron obviously was very hard to walk on, so JB covered the hills with a layer of green carpeting to make the area softer underfoot. The sheep of the Lake District were simply contracted not as livestock, but as large vacuum cleaners.


The population of the Lake District can be broken down into the following groups:

  • 5000 sheep
  • 2000 cows
  • Farmer Giles
  • His sheepdog, George
  • 5,000,000 Tourists

As you can see, the Lake District is totally dependant on the tourism industry to support itself. In fact the tourists are the only people who are actually running the district.

Farmer Giles

Farmer Giles

The only known picture of Farmer Giles.

If you must go to the Lake District, avoid Farmer Giles' farm. He will shoot on sight.

Farmer Giles is the only registered resident of the Lake District. This came from him not being able to find his way out of it. The years of utter boredom have made him very bitter to all outsiders, and he has been known to "pump them full of lead".

His sheepdog George is not as bad as his master. In a recent interview, George said "Woof Woof, GRRRRRR, Wooof, Woof, Woof, GRRRRR, Woof, Woof, Woof".

Roughly translated, this means "My Master's inhospitability stems from the fact that he has seen the same congruent landscape for the past 30 years; he is simply quite bored of it."


The Lake District has two major types of landforms, those being:

  • 1. Lakes
  • 2. Hills

'Nough said? Seriously, if you want depth, go to Wikipedia.


Lakewmons copy

This blurry image has been used as proof of the existance of Windy, Lake Windermere's own monster.

The most common animals in the Lake District are sheep. Sheep, sheep and more sheep. Occasionally you may see a cow, and then, oh look! - another sheep. In the lakes, you may find dead fish. The death of many fish hs been attributed to the many toxic waste plants scattered around the area. Don't drink the water. For God's sake, don't drink the water.

Other life in the Lakes include lost Nile Crocodiles, which frequently feed on anybody stupid enough to go on holiday here. The Crocodile numbers have been reduced of late, mainly due to the Tiger Sharks. Swimming in the Lakes is not advisable, as, along with the other animals, you are likely to be eaten by a gruiform.

Plantlife in the Lake Disrict includes trees and flowers. What do you want? An encyclopaedia article?


The Lake District and its temporary residents (tourists) are supported by, obviously, the tourism industry. Other industries and commerce include toxic waste disposal plants and the headquarters of Microsoft (yes, in the arse end of nowhere).

Much of the income of the Lake District comes from selling expensive - but crap - souvenirs to tourists. Tourists like to bring home something to remind them of their visit to the area, however, after closer inspection, the item will clearly read "Made in China".


Visit this area at your own risk. The writers of this article, however lame and/or stupidly unfunny, do not claim liability for any injury or death sustained in the Lake District.

See Also

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