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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Killers.

“Indentity theft is not cool!”

~ Mr.Brightside on The Killers

The Killers are the first Mafia Rock Band formed by Ron 'The Don' Vannucci in New York in 2002 , he put together his hairdresser Dave 'Hello Boys' Keuning , a local Jesus lookalike called Mark ' Thunder ' Stoermer and a Jehovah's Witness who happened to knock on his door that day called Brandy Flowers. Although they claim to kill people at their concerts, this is just a lie. They merely rape them and bite off their fingers.

[edit] Instruments

Ron 'The Don' - The Guns

Dave 'Hello Boys' - The Hairdryer

Mark 'Thunder' - The Banjo

Brandon Powers - The Door Bell

Dave Keuning: Because Im Worth It

[edit] The Rise and Fall of Dave; Nobody Cares

Nicknamed the Hungarian Hairdresser , he was born Kristov Dandoff Keuning in Budapest on the 28th of March 1983.

He later changed his name to David Brent Keuning due to his love of Ricky Gervais

Dave has been in hair care adverts all over the world!

[edit] Ronald Vanucci

Born in Sicily in 1956 , Vanucci was one of 21 children he's family moved to New York in 1961 , he remains tightlipped about his life repeating the words 'i aint saying nothing' when asked

Vanucci has denied claims he is Ronald McDonald despite a video on YouTube that suggests otherwise

Ronnie Vannucci: a.k.a. The Don

[edit] Brandon Flowers

Brandon was born on the Lost Island in 1980

He hates every other band out there and doesn't look a thing like Jesus. (Unlike Mark Stoermer, who IS Jesus. See below.) He enjoys fights on promenades out in the rain, and smiles like he means it.

Brandon has Soul but has never served in the armed forces

In 2003 Brandon lost his memory after being attacked by a Pheasent , and for 6 months thought he's surname was Brightside

Brandon has cold hands

It was rumoured that in 2003 he had an ex-girlfriend who had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that he had in February of 2002. He claims it was not confidential, but that the rumour had the potential to spread.

Brandon Flowers: Working for Madame Tussaud is the next best job after singing for The Killers

[edit] Alibi

Flowers constantly deny the allegation, citing that he cannot possibly be Molko since the Placebo vocalist is known for using Mac eyeliners, which cost about $20 each, a rather expensive cosmetic for a band earning just over $5 per gig then. Flowers apparently uses a generic eyeliner, the chief ingredient of which is the smear-proof, waterproof and perfectly environment-friendly lead. He said that he used the smear-proof generic eyeliner and eyeshadow during the shower (masturbation) scene on the U.S. version of the band's music video, All The Perv Things That I've Done, only to prove that he's not Molko.

[edit] Another Lawsuit

Likewise, in 1985, Flowers sued the investigative journalist for $20 before the District Court of Las Vegas, which the former won by a landslide. It is alleged that Flowers is now using a Mac eyeliner.

Mark Stoermer: a.k.a. Jesus Elizondo y Sanchez-Alvarez?

[edit] Sweet Jesus!

Mark was born in Israel on the 25th of December 0 AD

Little is known about the band's unobstrusive bassist, Mark Stoermer. Hideki Takashimaya believes that Stoermer is nine feet tall. Wienczyslaw Zygmunt says that he can prove that Stoermer is a foreigner. The most believable piece of valuable information however comes from bandmate and Italian mafia-boss Ronnie Vannucci as he contends that Mark is actually Jesus Christ.

Said Vannucci, "He does look a thing like Jesus, but he doesn't exactly talk like a gentleman like you imagined when you were young."

It has been claimed that Stoermer is actually 'The Stig', a racing car driver from the British car show 'Top Gear'. Stoermer has denied these claims and argues that he doesn't even drive cars because they can't wear make-up.

[edit] Hot Rods (2004)

[edit] Media Reviews

The Killers' music is described by NME magazine as "superb, amazing, astonishing, fantastic, breathtaking, marvellous, delightful, pleasing, great, brilliant, perfect and fucking ideal."

In its highly informative and objective one-sentence review of The Killers' first and only album, Hot Rods, the Rolling Stone magazine, in its December 2004 issue says:

-start of review-

"Brandon Flowers is a complete TWAT!!!!
giggles LMAO LOL (*dies*). (9/10)"
 
-end of review-

On the other side of the opinion of the album, in a lukewarm review, Pitchfork Media didn't like it, but then again, they don't really like anything except Radiohead, so no one was really surprised by that/cared.

[edit] Classifying The Killers' Music

No one can really tell for sure what kind of genre The Killers' music can be classified into. This can be deduced from the fact that most reviews and articles written about the band were about how hot Flowers is. However, one song entitiled Indecent rocks and balls seems to indicate that the genres Indie and Rock&Roll have been merged into their own genre.

[edit] Epilogue

[edit] Whereabouts

It is now believed that The Killers is recording for its follow-up album, somewhere inside one of the remote un-bombed caves in Afghanistan where its music still sells.Saddam Hussain helped them with their upcoming album after exile from Iraq where he is being chased by ladymen asking for sex. He provides the excellent array of banging noises heard in their smash hit `freedom for the dangerous`:These are bomb noises detected by the stereos blasting soulful music to homeless Afghan's.

When asked WHY they decided to record their album in the deserts of the Middle East, Flowers replied "In the desert, you can remember your name, 'cuz there ain't no one for to give you no pain. Also, the dry, arid heat keeps my eyeliner from smudging." It is reported that Neil Young will meet the band in Baghdad for make-up tips and lattes.

[edit] What to Expect in the Near Future

The new songs are expected to be more American-influenced, a reaction to the negative feedback that its music is more Icelandic-oriented, probably due to Stoermer's own doing, because he is Jesus.

In one of the rare interviews since the career-ending journey into married life, Flowers promised to infuse more "Oasis-styled songs and attitude" in the album. Fans and skeptics alike expect that the move would be a great departure from the over-all image of the band, as there would be more sex, drugs, alcohol, mud wrestlings, hair-pullings, hotel trashings and catfights in its future tours, which could eventually lead to "divorce."

However, Flowers is still being held captive by one of the many ravid female fans, rumoured to have a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend Brandon Flowers had in February of 2002 (see 'Brandon Flowers').

[edit] The Victims

As mentioned in its title, The Victims is a select club, for a small price you can get killed by Las Vegas' best. They will rope you up, and drag you behind a car. The stig does not drive in this occasion, rather he hangs out the window. Flowers drives, making comedical comments along the way to an unknown shot-gun passenger. Once you are done with this, Mr Flowers will make you wash your hands at least 10 times before anything else can happen. After this has happened, you are then locked up and made to type on a forum which is dedicated to dead people like you. You chat on topics such as 'Beetle Juice or Darth Fader?', 'Revlon or Maybelline?' and you take to the polls in relation to subjects like 'Brandon's or Dave's Snap pants?

Once initiated, you can do whatever you want really. You can buy tickets to some of their shows where 'When You Were Young' is played for a minimum of 10 times.

[edit] Disco-graphy

[edit] Tracks From Cold Rust

1. Jenny Was A Whore Of Mine

2. Lower Eastside

3. Dial Like You've Been Hit

4. Somebody Sold Me (A Prostitutes Tale) - featuring Madonna

5. All These Sheep That I've Done - featuring Tom Jones

6. Andy, You Should Wear a Bra

7. On Top (Sexual Positions)

8. In Me Cock Hole

9. Relieve Me Natalie

10. Midnight Hoe

11. Everything Will Be Alright (As long As You Don't Remove That)

12. Mr. Darkside (Thin White Spunk Remix)

[edit] Sam's Town's Orgy

1. Sam's Brown Hole
2. Enter Him
3. When You Were Young Enough Not To Know I Was Raping You (On Purpose) - Featuring Michael Jackson
4. Ping (You just got dumped on a text message by the burger king)
5. For Reasons You Don't But Kind Of Know About
6. Read My Lips: I'm Sorry I Gave You Crabs. Again
7. Rubber Jonny (Tribute to Freddy Mercury)
8. Boner
9. My Grocery List
10. This Nigger Is Wild
11. Why Do I Keep Cumming Too Early?
12. Exit Him

[edit] Tracks From Sawdust And Other Debris

1. Tranquilize Her And Stuff Her In The Refrigerator (Feat. Lou Peed)
2. Shadowplay With Flashlights
3. All The Pretty Faces I've Stabbed With Machetes
4. Leave The Hermaphrodite's Bourbon On The Shelf
5. Sweet Talk Me So We Can Both Have Sex With A Leprechaun
6. Under The Gloryhole ("Remastered" With More Cum)
7. Where The Black Girls Have A Shankfest
8. I'll Show You How To Merge Wikipedia And Uncyclopedia {Note:This would destroy the universe but whatever}
9. Move Away From That Conveniently Placed Banana Peel And Tub Of Boric Acid
10. Unglamorous Indigenous Rock My Cock ("Remastered")
11. Who let You Go Out Of Your Kennel Ann Coulter?
12. The Salad Of Michael Kwanzaa
13. Amethyst, Take Your Sweet Ass Back To 3rd Street And Whore Some More
14. Daddy's Eyes Are Best Served With Sushi And White Grape Juice
15. Sam's Town (Recorded On The Road With A Brain Tumor)
16. Romeo And Juliet's Mom
17. Change Your Hairstyle Again Madonna
18. Mr.Brightpenis (Jackie Loo Cunt's Fat Rainbow Marmaduke Re-Re-Re Mix)/Answers From The Captain

[edit] Tracks From Gay Enraged

1. Keeping In Touch With That Horse I Slept With
2. Alien
3. Earth Girl
4. Joy Ride On An Atari 2600 Controller
5. A Lustland Hairy Male
6. This Is Your Life On Drugs
7. Im Not Gay (Cough, Cough) - featuring Cliff Richard
8. Nuclear Pussycat
9. The Bed We Lie In
10. Goodnight, Hope The Travel Goes Well With All The Whoring You Do
11. A Blowjob From A Cripple (tribute to Heather Mills) - featuring Sir Paul McCartney
12. Titty Wave
13. Forget About My Shed (Especially The Felony's That Are In It)

[edit] Unreleased tracks or B sides only on singles

1. Get Trashed Until I Come Up With A Better Excuse For Why There's A Black Hole, Kathy Griffin, And Various Christmas Tree Ornaments On Our Kitchen Floor
2. Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself Because I Really Don't Give A Shit About What The Actual Title Of This Song Is (Although I'm Not Supposed To)
3. Where Is She? What!? She's With Deondre Again!? I'm Gonna Kill Those Two Motherfuckers!
4. Stereo of Truth
5. A Crippling Blowjob (It snapped in half)
6. Forget About What I Didn't Say And Never Will Say
7. Tidal Wave Of Gay Jokes (Seriously There's Too Many On This Page)

(Supposedly recorded tracks mentioned for two and a half seconds during random interviews a year and a half ago)

8. Freezing Down My Balls
9. Ghost Town (Literally)
10. Nightmare Land (I'm Pretty Sure A Million Bastard Children Of Ann Coulter And Rush Limbaugh Live There)
11. Coal City (A.K.A. 1/3 of Wyoming)
12. Vibrationless (It's Out Of Batteries)
13. A Change Coming On (I'm A Pre-Op Transsexual)

[edit] Christmas Songs

For some reason, The Killers release a Christmas Single every year, starting with 2006. The single's money supposedly goes to helping Product Red, although I bet they actually use the money to make next year's Christmas song.

2006 - A Great Big Shit On Ann Coulter's Face
2007 - Don't Rape Me Santa (Yet)
2008 - Joseph, Better You Than Me To Play Russian Roulette With A Fully Loaded Gun By Himself

[edit] Demo Songs

1. Replaceable Anus
2. Desperate For Some Hot Dilf Love
3. Oh Yeah, By The Way, I Raped Your Family, Gutted Them One By One While Forcing The Others To Watch, Then Set Their Bodies On Fire With Kerosene On Your Patio And Watched Them Burn To The Ground While Jacking Off Over Their Burning Flesh And Eating Popcorn (I Recorded It And Put It On Youtube In Case You Want To See It Sometime)
4. Waiting For Love Letters From Iwo Jima

[edit] List Of People The Killers Have killed

1. Any band that Brandon Flowers says copies their sound, or any band "stealing their success".
2. Anyone that gives their albums bad ratings

[edit] Trivia

The Killers was one of the bands that headlined the 2005 Bands To Believe In Festival, along with Fall Out Boy, Panic At The Disco, Coldplay, Green Day, The Bravery, Avenged Sevenfold, Evanescence and other equally self-important bands. It was no small feat since the band got to play in the main and big tent-like stage for a change, in contrast to the 2004 Bands To Bury Festival where it got a slot near the dumpster. The tent-like stage reportedly was able to accommodate approximately four fans, the most notable of which was the "late" great Oscar Wilde. Wilde allegedly suffered incontinence after watching the band perform which led to his untimely demise fifteen years later.
Hot Rods was the fastest-selling album in the history of the universe, averaging a worldwide sale of 1 album per year. The band's label has reportedly manufactured a total of 1 CD in its entirety.
Sam's Brothel was the best album made by faux British vocalist-led band since you were young. It sold (Insert however many people/things Ann Coulter has slept with) copies in it's first month of release. Holy shit that's a lot!
Upon starting their tour in late 2006, The Killers finally allowed Theodore Julio Espino Hernandez The Third to join them in their gay ways.
The Killers have an ongoing competition to see who can look most like a woman much to the delight of The Kaiser Chiefs.
When asked why on their B side album Sawdust And Other Debris they re-recorded two of their B Sides (Under The Belt and Hanky Panky Rock And Roll) and made them shitty despite angering their fans, Brandon Flowers responded, "If we want to fuck up our songs so no one will like them except us, we can!" He then proceeded to have a temper tantrum.
Sawdust And Other Debris sold -1 copies. When The Killers asked their label how this was possible, they said that only one copy was made and a gaggle of grues stole it and shot it into the sun.
Gay And Rage sold 666,666,666,666,666,666 copies in its first year of release. When The Killers asked their label how this was possible, they said that 99.5% of the CD's sold were bought by Satan, because he was thinking that it was a violent death metal album, as indicated by their name. After he found out it wasn't, he immediately exchanged all of them for various actual death metal albums. He then killed the band members of the cds that he bought with their own cds by slitting there throats after breaking part of the cds edge because he is after all, evil/Satan.
Brandon Flowers had a Welsh Rarebit when he was young as a pet (BFWR), but he had to humanely euthanize it because "It wasn't good looking enough". Oh yeah, and it like killed all the inhabitants of Seattle and replaced them with large piles of semen and feces or something, I dunno. BFWR was reunited with Brandon Flowers when they were putting together Sawdust. He even got to sing lead vocals on the "remastered" versions of "Under the Bazooka Gum" and "Glamourized Rocks and Rollos" on Sawdust. (That might explain why they made most living things' ears bleed when first hearing them.)
The Killers consist of 3 dancer, and 1 human. (It is not known who is which though.)
The Killers are actually named after a gay bass drum in a gay music video for a gay band (Old Chaos). This is contrary to popular belief, because it is thought they named themselves the Killers because one day, Brandon Flowers' grandmother came to a recording session, and stared at David Keuning's face for more than 8 seconds. You do not stare at David Keuning face for more than 8 seconds.

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

The Killers