The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game
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The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game is one of Czechoslovakia's favorite American pastimes. The object of the game is to Keep Your Finger In The Box for as long as possible. You can do whatever else you want during this time, but you must Keep Your Finger In The Box. The first one to remove their finger from the box loses, and therefore is called a loser for the rest of their Keep Your Finger In The Box Game career.
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game sounds simple, but in reality, it is one of the most complex games still being played today.
- Before starting the game, make sure you have what you need (e.g., a bottle to pee in).
- Place your finger in the box.
- Continue leaving your finger in the box.
- Do not take your finger out of the box.
- Stop thinking about taking your finger out of the box; if you do, you'll lose.
- Make sure your finger is still placed in the box.
- Think to yourself, "Is it really worth it?" And then answer, "Yes, of course it is."
- Keep a close watch on the other player's finger to make sure it is indeed still in the box.
- Do not take your finger out of the box.
- If you feel the need, pee in your pee bottle.
- Do not think pessimistically; The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game does not usually last forever.
- Do not stop waiting until your opponent's finger has exited the box.
- Pee in bottle.
- Why are you still thinking about taking your finger out of the box?! STOP IT!!
- Now apologize.
The Directions for The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game were just a guideline for play. They did not explore the other, less fair, ways to play the game. As stated before, The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game is very complex; indeed, there are dozens of strategies employed by gamers around the world that are meant to test the strength and courage of their opponents. A list of possible strategies for The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game follows:
- Try staring at your opponent until his/her eyes explode.
- Make extremely annoying noises with your mouth and/or other parts of your body.
- If your opponent happens to be afflicted with OCD, remind him/her of how many other peoples' fingers have been in that box, and then threaten to touch him/her.
- Spit into your opponent's side of the box.
- Grab a piece of foil and start chewing on it.
- Start making jokes about your opponent's mom.
- Start muttering incomprehensibly, and then refuse to answer when your opponent asks, "What?"
- Tell your opponent that you're playing the game on ancient Indian burial ground, and that the ghosts come out at sundown.
- Hire a hooker to seduce your opponent. (Note: This is a risky strategy; make sure you yourself do not get seduced instead.)
- Bring a cat to rub in your opponents face.
- Cut off one of your fingers and leave it in the box. Then go off and do whatever you want, but make sure that you are able to determine whether or not your opponent's fingers are still in the box.
- Toss your pee bottle at your opponent.
- Use your super-secret semi-automatic Death Ray to blind your opponents.
- Get a life. No, seriously.
And so on. For a complete list of The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game strategies, buy the recently-published book, A Complete List of The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game Strategies.
As far as can be determined, The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game has been around for many centuries. It is believed that the game was invented by Leonardo Da Vinci, sometime in the late 15th Century. However, most people believe it was actually Sir Gareth Steadyfingers of Wye who originally came up with the idea. The game has not changed significantly over the centuries; the only major enhancement was the switch from wood to titanium in 1956. This switch came when it was announced that The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game was to be introduced to the United States, and therefore subject to increased gorilla activity. Now, The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game is popular in nearly 150 countries worldwide, and even has its own international championship tournament.
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championship
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championship Tournament has been held every 57 years since the first tournament in 1843. Many compare The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championships to the Olympics, while others compare it to the Scrabble International Title Finals. Just like the Scrabble International Title Finals, The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championships are aired on ESPN every year (or every 57 years, whatever.)
The 1843 World Championships for The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game were held in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The competitors were two of the best players ever known to the game, Johnny "Six-Fingers" Jones and Will. It was a fierce battle that took 21 years. Combined, both competitors had only 36 minutes of sleep, and drank only 3 gallons of water. Sadly, it ended in Johnny "Six-Fingers" Jones' death, caused by a gunshot wound inflicted by Will 15 years earlier. Although it definitely wasn't the longest World Championship The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game has ever seen, it may have been the most intense.
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championships of 1900 were postponed until 1957 due to extreme boredom shown by The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game community.
The 1957 World Championship was held in my mom's basement, and was a battle between Cat Stevens and an Elvis impersonator. The Elvis impersonator was a strong believer in the spitting technique, which caused Cat Stevens to be pretty grossed out. But not grossed out enough to quit believing, because he knew that spit is a limited resource, and runs out over time. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for the Elvis impersonator, who took home The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game world title of 1957. (Interestingly enough, Cat Stevens hasn't been seen since.)
Yeah that's right, 2004, you gotta problem with that? Ahem, anyway, The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championship of 2004 is currently being held on the moon, between Neil Armstrong and a rock. The rock has been given 2-1 odds by Las Vegas oddsmakers, and is likely to win simply because of the fact that a rock's lifespan is significantly longer than Neil Armstrong's. Be sure to check here often, though, and stay tuned to ESPN for continuing coverage of The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championship of 2004.
The first retail-box version of The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game was released by Milton Bradley Fighting Vehicles in 1954. At the formal announcement ceremony, company spokesman Ninja Pirate Jesus said, "I'm sure that you'll all agree with me when I say that The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game is one of the best games in existence, and truly one of the greatest games ever. So next time you've got about 2 years to spare, and you're looking for something fun to do with your whole family, remember The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game. But don't forget! You've got to Keep Your Finger In The Box."
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