The Jesus and Mary Chain
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The link between our Lord Jesus Christ and his virgin mom is probably the most researched topic in the history of the world. Countless theories have been presented over the years by various scholars regarding the way Jesus found his way out of Mary's womb, the latest being The DaVinci Code, a provocative approach to the issue claiming that Jesus found his own way straight out of his mother's vaginal openning, possibly by using a flying device invented by Leonardo DaVinci himself. More realistic explainations were made, the nine most known were released between 1985 and 1998, all of them by the Scottish Reed family.
edit The JMC LP's (Jesus & Mary Chain's Linkage Possibilities)
edit The Psychic candy approach
During a press conference known today as the Jesus and Mary Chain Grand Riot, the Reed brothers, Prof. Lulu Reed and her brother Dr. Bobby Gillespie, represented their first thesis regarding the birth of Jesus. They claimed that Mary could have been a crack whore before and during her pregnancy, got pregnant from oral sex only. On the birth's day, so they claimed, she could have taken extasy and get into a psycotic mode that allowed her to throw up our Lord's body through her mouth or possibly her butt. This approach was inspired by Courtney Love's autobiography/cook-book "Been in the oven".
edit The Dark lands thesis
The second and perhaps more accepted approach represented by the Reeds was that the person who impreganted Mary was Dark Jesus, in one of his evil methods (possibly anal sex), causing Jesus to be born in heaven. As his father returned to hell, Jesus was able to land on earth and become our Lord.
edit Barbed wire kisses
Lulu Reed started that year (1988) her chain of sex toys; one of them was called "Barbed wire kisses". This lead the brothers to believe that maybe Satan isn't Jesus' father, rather a perverted gay human being. Bo Diddley was the natural choice. and a new idea was born: Jesus was the child of Bo, who's really a woman, and Mary who was really a transvestite.
Another bizarre sex theory was suggested on 1989: Mary was having sex with an automatic gun, when suddenly the gun went off, causing Mary to lose her virginity only in her death. Jesus himself was adopted by Mary three years earlier.
edit Honey's Dead
This lead to another death theory: Mary died during sex with her husband, right before she lost her virginity. Her husband was Jesus himself, who used to call her "honey".
edit The Sound of Speed
This theory claims that billions of viruses all accientally ejaculated at once inside Mary's vagina. Jesus was born as a virus, forming a very little shield invisible to the human eye hole in his mom's virginity. Naturally, this lead everyone agree that the Reeds sounded like they were on speed or something.
edit The Stoned & dethroned thesis
Jesus was stoned when he told that story.
edit Jesus hated Rock 'N' Roll
edit The Angel Rape
If you are raped, you are still virgin. Therefore, the angel raped her.