The James Brothers

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Malik Ata Muhammad Khan

The James Brothers were easily identified as Wild West outlaws by their handlebar mustaches.

Born in the 1840s in the Eastern United States, the James Brothers were Henry, William, Jesse, and the fourth one whose name I frankly cannot be bothered with. They all enjoyed distinguished careers in their various fields.

edit Insubstantiation

Henry James is known as a writer of clever and tiresome novels notable for their Miltonic syntax.[1] He lived in Paris for a time but found it too interesting, so spent his remaining years in Sussex, the most boring part of England, apart perhaps from Coventry.

William, philosopher and loony doctor, made a successful career telling people things they already knew. He spent his whole life in New England, and why not?

Jesse moved west and became a bandit and outlaw, stealing from the rich and giving a percentage to the poor, or vice versa, as seemed appropriate to him at the time, in cooperation with his brother, whose name is lost to history, or to excessive drink. He was shot, either by Pat Garrett or Ron Howard, depending on how confused one's memory of song lyrics has become.

edit Ineffability

It is believed[2] that the family connection between the legit James brothers (William and Henry) and the crooks (Jesse and the other one) has so far remained unknown to history, and unpublished in any encyclopedia, not even in Wikipedia,™ which might seem the natural home for such arcana, because William used his Tammany Hall connections to conduct a cover-up so as to spare the feelings of his old-maid, fussy, neurotic brother Henry.

edit Inheritance

The main remaining claim to fame of these appalling siblings is that they gave rise to a well-known saying in the English language:

One flew east (Henry) / One flew west (Jesse) / And one flew over the cuckoo's nest (William)".

Given the rule-of-three which applies to mythology, theology and many jokes, it is hardly surprising that the fourth James brother has disappeared from memory.[3]

edit Notes

  1. How long does it take you to find the main verb in a sentence in Paradise Lost? Or The Europeans?
  2. By me and a diagnosed psychotic in Inverness.
  3. From mine at least.
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