Isle of Man
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Fasisma Lýðveldinu Samkynhneigðra Getnaðarlimur
Isle of Man
|Motto: "Grá Chun Gnéas i mbeal Eile Tá, mar go muid Fir!" (literally: In apathy we... ah, forget it!)|
|Largest city||Peel, by a technicality.|
|Official language(s)||Manx Gaelic|
|Government||Democracy. "And we thought of it first, after the Greeks, that is"|
|‑ Current Monarch||King Jeremy Clarkson|
|Religion||Protestant (required by law), Alcoholism|
|National sport(s)||Drinking, incest, racism, hating the English|
“No Man is an Island”
The Isle of Man (pronounced "I Love Man") is a small island nation located just off the west coast of England. Often described by tourists as "a bit like that island in Father Ted, except it isn't funny," the Isle of Man is a vast, tax-dodging populace of stereotypical billionaires, terrorists and bond villans; like a grimier, less sunny version of the Channel Islands.
Inhabitants' well-known intolerance to all races, religions, and creeds especially targets the English. Though this makes sense historically, it has been making less and less sense in recent years, as the island continues to adopt culture, law, social aspirations, and immigrants from its neighbour so frantically that hatred of the English is now essentially self-loathing.
But, If you don't like it, there's a boat in the morning.
The existence of a small and pointless island halfway between Britain and Ireland has always prompted nagging questions. After all, it is not as though Skye could not have done the job. The Manx have developed several theories as to why their homeland even exists.
Legend says the Isle of Man was formed when an Irish giant named Finn McCool threw a chunk of Ireland at some Scottish fuckwit. The chunk missed, landed in the sea, and made the Isle of Man. Then Vikings came and people lived there with Manannán mac Lir who, like, ruled the place.
In truth, the Isle of Man was originally populated by swarthy people from Scotland and Ireland. They were getting along fine until a bunch of Celtic invaders arrived and killed them all. Once the Celts had got settled, the Vikings arrived and didn't kill them all, but did shag all the local women. The local women got back at them by not teaching their children anything to do with Viking culture, like their language or religion, so the Norse element died out in a couple of generations, reflected by the complete lack of Viking artifacts on the island...only a bunch of DNA. The Romans wouldn't touch the island with a barge pole, the Danish had a brief go at the place, and the English Queen now owns the land and rents it to the Manx, on the understanding that they keep the place clean and tidy and don't break anything. The Modern day Manx are half-Irish and half-Scouse, a fact reflected in the language and culture.
- The Calf of Man
The Calf of Man is a pointless rock at the bottom of the island. It is a bird sanctuary and no one else is allowed on it, they just have to look at it from afar. The Calf lets the Manx amuse themselves by referring to the Isle of Man as the "Mainland."
Even more legends
It is evident that the legend of the Isle's creation is more satisfying than the reality, and the Manx have relied on legends to explain many other phenomena as well.
Manx folklore often mentions mythical creatures, characters, and gays, such as:
- The Buggane, a malevolent spirit who blew the roof off St. Trinian's Church in a fit of pique.
- The Fenodyree, a magical creature who makes Quasimodo look like a Page Three model but doesn't do a lot else.
- The Glashtyn, a white water horse that is a horse made of water and, like, washes up and down like a big watery horse.
- The Moddey Dhoo, a ghostly black dog who wandered the walls and corridors of Peel Castle scaring people for no apparent reason.
All these mysteries were solved thanks to five meddling kids and their dumb dog.
- Scousal abuse
The legendary Greasy Hobgoblin of the Upper Tower is known as Henna. This name comes from an extinct, devilish creature who used to scour the streets of lower Castletown in search of lost children whose parents sent them out to steal potatoes from the nearby farmers' fields. Once found, these children would be taken back to his lair in the highest towers of the Castle Rushen, where he would have his way with them. Then one day a brave knight known only as Sir Richard of the Hair made his way up the tower and slew the demon once and for all. But it is said on a cold summer night when the moon hangs high, scratching and groaning emits from the tower as if the demon were swearing revenge on the one who hath slain him.
- Competing theories
Some believe that He-Man was the original Son of Man. Also, every November 5th, the Manx symbolically burn effigies of Skeletor. The Manx also give allegiance to the once-great king Hummus of Scotland. The exiled king, now said to haunt the Tower of Refuge, was removed from the Scottish throne due to debauchery and incest. Upon realising his talents would be best suited elsewhere, the Scots plonked him on a raft and set him adrift across the Irish Sea. Upon arriving on the Isle of Man, he and his policies were welcomed with open arms.
The capital of the Isle of Man is Douglas (well, Doug to his mates). The executive power is in the hands of Laurel and Hardy. (You can't make this stuff up!)
- The Tynwald
The Isle of Man boasts the world's oldest Parliament, pointedly ignoring the similar claim of Iceland, even though the Icelandic are all direct descendants of Vikings and the Manx are just a bunch of Scousers who like to dress up as Vikings once a year for the village fete.
The Tynwald (pronounced tinny-wayldee) consists of a small grassy hill on which, every year, rich old men dressed in ornamental clothes shout to the assembled sheep in a semi-extinct language that even the old men don't understand anymore, claim they are democratic Vikings but then fawn to the Queen's representative and march up and down in a suspiciously English manner. (Compare the House of Lords).
The Isle has its own money. To encourage its use, the unit is called the pint. There is a £1 bill, which gullible colonials prefer over the clunky pound coin late in the evening at English pubs. Legally, one Manx pint is the same thing as one pound Sterling, though if Britain enters the monetary union, the pint will become the same thing as the euro, the dollar, or the yen, under transitional rules yet to be written. Britain got the E.U. to admit the Isle of Man as an associate member. This means that Manx music can be played in Europe, if any should be devised. The Manx themselves, however, are not entitled to actually go there to hear it.
- Current issues
The main preoccupation of government is the scientific belief that, by 2020, the Isle will cease to be populated due to the spiralling suicide rate. To curb suicide by uplifting the national spirit, the government funded a coach trip to Morecambe. Two survived, albeit with heavily bandaged wrists.
Because the name of island describes it as an island whose owners are male, feminists don't like it or its name, advocating names such as "Isle of Person." In addition, they oppose the anatomically impossible symbol on the flag, or any other mention of the third leg.
The Isle's economy comes mainly from hiding rich people's money. Come-overs provide all the services that locals could have provided, ensuring a steady stream of money off the island, carefully balanced by the money coming in that rich people are trying to hide.
Electricity is generated from everyone fighting with one another about petty crap that no self-respecting person from a proper country would care about (known locally as "skeet").
Goats are often sacrificed to improve the performance of the stock market.
The Isle has no national speed limit, making it resemble Formula One with cliffs and sheep. Drivers over 120 years old driving down the middle of the road at 25mph, tractors, affluent boy racers in Daddy's car, and super-rich television presenters in canary yellow Lamborghinis, result in a life expectancy for drivers of 6 months. (This is in contrast to the Channel Islands, which have 20 MPH signs everywhere, except their busiest road, which is 10.)
Public transport is sparse and fraught with danger:
- The bus runs occasionally, and only from North to South. The timetables are cryptic, kept secret, and changed whenever people start to figure them out. If you want to go to Peel from Port Erin, forget it. You shouldn't be travelling that far from home anyway.
- The taxi costs £400 from the sea terminal.
- The steam train goes from Port Erin to Douglas and back, very dangerously. It is used as a commuter train by locals because they don't know any different, and because they ignore documentaries about trains in India.
- The electric railway goes from Douglas to Snaefell, very dangerously. It is used by tourists to avoid walking up the Mountain and feeling cheated when they find it swathed in fog.
- The horse tram lets live horses pull brain-dead tourists up and down Douglas Prom until they beg to be let off. The horses wear name badges.
- While most Manx regard air travel as witchcraft, Manx2 (named after its passenger capacity) lets them vacate the island. It is controversial that there are also return flights. The aircraft's removable wings double as coffins.
- The Boat: no deaths since
August 22nd 2008December 11th 2009.
In the winter, there is often no way on or off the Isle. The Steam Packet boats only sail in flat calm, and the airlines are game for anything but are so undersubscribed that they will usually cancel your flight and wait until a few others are equally desperate to get off the island.
Art is currently housed in a shed on an industrial estate, a flour mill, and some really posh premises in the middle of Douglas Prom that no one can find.
Art on the island means scenery, preferably with water and a moon or just water or maybe a bird with some water and of course done with watercolours. Most Manx artists are cloned from Archibald Knox. He was not Manx but he did "windswept" really well. However, there is nothing windswept on the Isle that hasn't already been painted from every angle by a seething mass of middle-aged lady artists who all hate each other.
The island also contains many teenage photographers who take photos of their friends wearing fashionable clothes and looking vacant.
The prolific cartoonist Alex Beadle was raised on the island and attended King William's College. His work can still be seen on many of the school's desks as carvings of animals with big knobs. Beadle was also the island's only graffiti artist which was why he kept getting caught.
The posh gallery on the Prom is funded by the Manx Arts Council which notably contains no artists, so if anyone gets too "Tracey Emin," they are sentenced to copying a stuffed owl on a log with Jeremy Paul, a local artist who paints with a brush trimmed to 2 hairs. Young artists just leave.
The national dish is chips, cheese, and gravy. (The national drink is anything alcoholic.) There is a chip shop at the heart of each village. The government impedes other foreign take-away food with disincentives like not being able to get any of the necessary ingredients. (Vomiting patrons in the waiting areas are independent of government.) It is impossible to get lemon grass, and hard to obtain fresh citrus fruit and anything more than two different brands of coffee. Come-overs with exotic tastes resort to ordering by post or giving up and going down the chip shop with the rest of the Manxies.
Many of the red-letter dates in Manx history are culinary:
- 1999 - The first and only McDonald's opened (run by a man who looks and acts a little too much like Mr. Krabbs).
- 2002 - The first and only KFC opened.
- 2003 - The first and only Subway opened. There are now three.
- 2010 - The first and only Domino's Pizza opened.
Most Manx people support Liverpool FC or Manchester United—support in the sense of huddling around the one radio in Douglas and cheering “you'll never walk alone, yessir” or “out with the Glazers, yessir,” not support in the sense of ever attending matches (see Transport).
Once a year, a few thousand hairy bikers make a pilgrimage from Germany to watch a few suicidal idiots race their TITY bikes around a 37.75 mile course. Most spectators of the two-week festival are found in the Bushy's Ale tent on the promenade. The police take it easy, meaning strippers walk topless down the promenade, and there is seizure-inducing fun all around.
Nightlife on the Isle includes drinking, heavy drinking, eating chips, walking aimlessly up and down the Prom, and doing fuck-all. Nightlife usually ends when the last bus leaves Douglas, at about 8 p.m., although an entertainment option is to continue drinking and wait for the next day's first bus, at about 1 p.m; or to join the hippies, who simply camp in the fields in Sulby and take drugs.
By far the biggest amusement for those who say they are as "Manx as the hills" is incest. It is not just a pastime but a national sport. Ever since Berty Quaggin's 1934 world record, the Manx have always placed highly in the 100-meter cousin-fuck. The secret army of poodles that the island uses to enforce the incest laws resides in a bizarre building known as Markwell House.
For those of a slightly less Manx disposition, there is the ever-popular witch hunt. Every Friday evening, the residents of Foxdale signal the hunt for the fabled "Witch with only ten toes." Though it has been centuries since any Foxdale man, woman, or Bennet has had only ten toes, the hunt is a serious part of the village "culture."
The Isle of Man has two native languages—Anglo-Manx, which is derived from Medieval Old Scouse, and Manx Gaelic, which is exclusively used for talking about English people in pubs when they are in earshot. The publican will ring a bell when all the English have left, indicating it is safe to stop speaking Gaelic and switch back to English.
|Typical Anglo-Manx Saying||Translation|
|'Rite there, yessir.||Hello, how are you?|
|Ya what dick'ed?||What did you just say?|
|Sound like.||Sounds good.|
|Come-over||Anyone who describes himself as being from the Mainland—usually a chinless wonder exiled to the Isle to avoid further damage to U.K. business.|
|Having a 'mere of a day||A nightmare|
|Don't fink so dow!||Regretfully, I disagree.|
|Going down to colours to get fuckin' smashed like fella, fuck a bird like.||I am off to a shitty night club to attempt sex with an underage, loud mouthed and probably infected whore.|
Famous people who are Mannish
By far the most noted local celebrity is Mark Cavendish. Every year he marks the start of Festival Week by donning an odd, tight costume handed down through generations (pictured) and yelling, in the island's ancient language, a call to arms — a local version of the Mexican "Grito de Guerra." Tourists don't understand the words, but they take the meaning: that the beer will flow unusually freely.
The Bee Gees were born on the Isle of Man. As this is the Isle's sole claim to fame, Manx schoolchildren are required to kneel and "pledge allegiance to the Gibbs" daily, wear flares and stick-on beards to school, and insist they are "not some puppet on a schtring." This mass idolatry resembles the Nuremberg rallies in falsetto.
The Isle of Man has refused to adopt either Gregorian time or leap day, and thus celebrated the Millennium in 1979. Nor do the Manx follow traditional systems of measurement. Whereas the rest of the world has converted from feet and inches to centimeters and meters, locally, weights are measured in hams and shanks, and linear measurement uses fits and starts. Liquid measurement, as on "the Mainland," is in Imperial pints.
Once, a Manx fisherman was walking down Ramsey Quay with two buckets filled with crabs. A visitor asked him if he wasn't afraid that the crabs would climb out of the buckets and escape. The fisherman replied, "No chance of that happening, yessir, these here are Manx Crabs. If one tries to get to the top, the others drag him down again!"
“Fuck me. A whole article about the Isle of Man and nobody's mentioned incest.”