The Ineffable Australian File Cabinet of Unquestionably Impending Doom

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“Bollocks! That's no Croc! It's a Space Station!”
~ Crocodile Dundee on El Cabineto Del Files
“ZAP, bitch! ZAP!!!”
~ The Ineffable Australian File Cabinet of Unquestionably Impending Doom on Lasers
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHGHHHHHHHHGHHCKCKKKCKK!!!”
~ Crocodile Dundee on Long Painful Laser-y Death

Deep in the Ice Deserts of Australia lies a menacing death-machine. Its victims have been found, almost unrecognizable, bled to death by billions of paper cuts. Few pictures exist of this monster, and all who have approached it have died horrible deaths. It has laser eyes and an evil disposition, but it never refuses a nice night out with the ladies. It is the Australian File Cabinet of Unquestionably Impending Doom, and it will, it will, rock you.

edit It Starts

“Vat zee fuck?”
~ Dr. Robotnik on The Accidental Creation of the Cabinet

In the early 1990's on an obscure mountain in the countryside of Tokyo, Japan, an evil and portly Ph.D. by the name of Robotnik had constructed a sinister factory. This automated house of destruction produced Mean Beans by the billions, which then flew out into the countryside and arranged themselves in cute little patterns, rendering everyone dead. The Japanese first noticed the threat of Robotnik's Mean Beans when Japan faced an acute shortage of baked, string, soy, lima, and kidney beans (Robotnik needed a very large supply indeed). Given that the Japanese diet consists largely of beans and legumes and shies away from fish and other shit, the Commie Japs knew they were screwed like a whore in Paris. Prime Minister Junichiro "Kamikaze" Koizumi dispatched a secret agent, codenamed S.O.N.I.C. from its super-duper-ultra-gundam-secret-agent-producing program, H.E.D.G.E.H.O.G. to track down and beat the fuck out of Robotnik.

Agent S.O.N.I.C. easily employed his comrades, the Counter-Beanists, and defeated legion after legion of the Mean Beans. When he got to Robotnik's layer, Robotnik panik'd and employed the techniques of many congressmen: filling a file cabinet full of his senstivie and possibly incriminating information, and lighting it on fire. The cabinet burned as Robotnik fought, and successfully lost to, Agent S.O.N.I.C. and his base was subsequently razed by a Mecha-Godzilla.

But a ghost was left, haunting the realm, irate over its sudden fiery demise.

The Ineffable Cabinet was born.

edit REVENGE!!!

The Ghost soon manifested itself by possessing the mind of a file cabinet at the legendary S.E.G.A. ninja training school, where Agent S.O.N.I.C. went to train soon after vanquishing Robotnik. There, it grew a pair of arms and hid them in its middle drawer (the File Cabinet contained only four files, of hideously indsidious data: RedBean.gif, BlueBean.gif, GreenBean.gif, and YellowBean.gif). As employees and ninjas alike passed by, it seemed like your average everyday file cabinet. But this little sum'bitch was plotting something awful.

When Agent DreamCast graduated from S.E.G.A., his life looked promising. He was powerful, strong, and had ultra-new-uber-leet equipment that allowed him to hook up to an integrated network (after the Network Integration Act, passed by Martin Luther King, Internet Rights Activist, in 1961, was passed) and challenge anyone at anytime to a ninja-off. S.E.G.A. had great plans for him - he would infiltrate the terrorist training camps in Soni, Japan, and killify everyone there, and then use his jump jets to warp to Amerika and frag everyone at the Satanist Institute of Microsoft (ironically, Steve Ballmer knew of the Japanese plot and had already created the Internet and Internet Games to outmode, outflank, out-cool, and fucking kill™ Agent DreamCast. However, Mac users were fucking delighted™).

To make a long story short, the File Cabinet waited for the day that Agent DreamCast graduated ninja school, and hid a katana inside its top drawer. When DreamCast came up to the Cabinet to retrieve his records, the Cabinet used its recently-grown arms to grab the katana and cut the Ninja-Agent's head off. The fountain of blood poured all over the File Cabinet, which saved a sample in a little jar and put it in its lower drawer. It used the rest of the blood to summon demons so that it could grow eyes and wings, and flew off to Amerika. Meanwhile, S.E.G.A. and Agent S.O.N.I.C. tried to save Agent DreamCast but they couldn't reattach his head. The trauma of the incident left S.O.N.I.C. a depressed, raving, lunatic rodent, and for the rest of his life he did nothing but run around with his former fellow Agent T.A.I.L.S. and drink large amounts of O'Doul's as they reminisced about once being cool.

edit Kill diese Vimmen

The File Cabinet warped to Amerika and stabbed Steve Ballmer through his icy black heart. However, Ballmer decided that death was not an option, as being fucking kill™ed himself was too ironic to fit his idiom. He faked his own death and vowed revenge on the File Cabinet. Ballmer secretly pledged his allegiance to Vustendius, Moldovieus, and Charoth, and formed a pact with the Divine Obliquity to create a Cranst of Golgoth (of Distendian Dwythic origins) which formed a Skythed Paramoure and inverted the relationship between Hegelian Contrarotation and powerful Englishe magicks, and thus Ballmer was ensconced in the Obliquity, and became one with the Obliquity, and thus gained more power than anyone could ever fathom. The world was in deep shit.

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