The Iliad
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“Thousands of men kept fighting and for what - just a woman!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the hexameter
“Achilles pwns Hector!”
~ Earliest recorded spoiler, shouted in the Athens Assembly by Heliocates in 680 BC.
An early work of the ancient sage Homer Simpson, The Iliad tells the story of a soldier in the Trojan War and the horrors of war. Like all of Greek epic poetry of the period, it was not written down; rather, it was first published as a book-on-tape. It was later developed into a movie directed by Martin Scorsese following his earlier film Passion of the Goodfellas.
In late 7382 BC, Ronald Reagan called The Iliad "the best book this year since the DaVinci Code!". Unfortunately this caused Reagan to spontaneously combust and incinerate the earth, leaving no trace of life. This is why we currently live on Mars. After five million years of research, a book on the subject was written, called "I don't think so", made from the charred remains of the pope. Some argue this book is the best ever (I don't think so).
[edit] Summary
The Iliad is a story of nipples and the far shadowing spears that are thrust into them. The basic story is rather boring, mostly focusing on a whiney young man (Achilleus). There are occasional thrilling side plots such as the catalogue of ships and a rather detailed description of a shield. also, possibly the most interesting insult ever: "if god hadn't told me not to, I would EAT you."
[edit] Plot
[edit] Book I
Chryses: hi can you plz gimme back my daughter? i got lots of gp!!1!
Agamemnon: Uhh... no.
Chryses: Apollo won't like that...
Agamemnon: Get outta here or our archers will crit u for liek 10k each
Chryses: ok...
(Apollo sends a plague onto the Greeks, a whole bunch of people die)
Achilles: that wasnt very nice dood
Agamemnon: screw that
Achilles: u know its ur fault apollo is using his GM hax against us, right?
Agamemnon: hey, guards, take achilles's gurl away from him, that'll show him
Achilles: NOOO!
Agamemnon: kekeke
[edit] Book II
(long and boring passage about the 1196 (if you think otherwise you're a noob) ships that the Greeks have sent to Troy)
[edit] Book III
Paris: hey gusy, y do all the greeks and trojans hav 2 fight over my gurl? how bout me an menelaus have a duel
Hector: dont we need a duel flag to duel?
Paris: oh i can summon one
(Paris and Menelaus fight)
(Menelaus starts pwning Paris but Aphrodite spirits him away)
Menelaus: HAX! NO FAIR! GMs ARE TEH 5UXX0RZ
[edit] Book IV
(Aphrodite uses her GM powers to make a Trojan shoot an arrow at Menelaus, promising him level 80 epix)
Athena: wait, menelaus is a leader, he should be lvl 83 and hav 5578k health like normal leaders. y does he only have 12k hp?
(Athena fixes that and Menelaus now has 5578k HP)
(Arrow hits Menelaus and does 15k damage. However, Athena forgets to give Menelaus boss immunities, so he is in pain and sill be stuck in a hospital for a few days)
[edit] Book V
Athena: hey, Diomedes, im gonna edit ur stats an give you 2147483647 str and hp, kk?
Diomedes: kk
Athena: just dont attack any Gms. except aphrodite lol i wanna see her get pwned
(Diomedes is buffed and starts wreaking general pwnage in the Trojan ranks)
Aphrodite: wait, stop!!1!
(Diomedes hits Ahprodite for 627845 damage (critical))
Apollo: wait, stop!!1!
(Diomedes hits Apollo for 0 damage (absorbed))
Apollo: dont attack GMs plz or ill give u a 72 hour ban liek menelaus
Diomedes: wait, is ares fighting for the trojans? kk, athena, i wont attack the gods
Athena: nah, go ahead, ill support u
(Ares hits Diomedes for 0 damage (missed))
(Diomedes hits Ares for 721093 damage (critical))
[edit] Book VI
Hector: look i gotta go back to fight
Andromache: noo we have a son!!1!
Hecuba: noo dont go ur my son!!1!
Helen: noo dont go ill let you sit in this chair with me
Hector: what's so good about a chair?
Helen: ha, i knew my weird excuse would make you not think about the pleas of the other two
Hector: hehe nice
Hector: kk im gonna go to fight
[edit] Book VII
(Hector, Paris commit general pwnage)
Hector: i wanna duel some greeks lol
Agamemnon: uh... anyone wanna fight?
Agamemnon: come on u stupid cowards
Menelaus: kk ill fight
Ajax: kk ill fight
Diomedes: kk ill fight
Nestor: kk ill fight
Odysseus: kk ill fight
Agamemnon: ok ajax go up and pwn him
(Duel begins in 3...2...1...)
(Hector hits Ajax for 0 (32105 blocked))
(Ajax hits Hector for 0 (dodged))
Ajax: wait u cant dodge ranged weapons, hax!
(Duel called off, the combat is real now)
(Ajax and Hector move into melee range, Ajax not realizing that the ranged blow actually missed due to Hector's defense rating)
Trojans, Greeks: wait, don fight i don wanna see u die ur too awesome to watch
Hector, Ajax: kk we wont fight
[edit] Book VIII
Hector: CHAAAARRRGGEE!!1!!!11!1
Agamemnon: this is madness!!1!
Hector: THIS IS SPARTAAAA!!1!!!11!1
Agamemnon: wait, spartas fighting for our side, this is troy
Hector: well, in soviet russia, troy pwns you!
Agamemnon: what's russia, and who are the soviets?
Hector: sry wrong meme
[edit] Book IX
Agamemnon: ok guys, go convince achilles to fight for us again but make sure he knows that im still in charge
Odysseus: u fool im not gonna tell him that
(At Achilles's tent)
Odysseus: if u fight u get to pwn noobs and get teh gp, and 20 trojan gurls
Ajax: OMG, troy has gurls? well why dont we conquer troy and take all of them, not just helen?
Achilles: i dunno, that sounds like that muslim thing, but only 5/18 times as good
Phoenix: pls fight im ur friend
Achilles: kk, ill think about it tonite
Ajax: pls fight im ur friend too
Achilles: kk, ill stay for now
Odysseus: hey, hax!
[edit] Book X
Odysseus: hey guys lets go into teh trojan camp and get some infoz
Agamemnon: why dont u just make a lvl 1 character and listen to their genchat?
Diomedes: too clever like, we need a nice direct approach greeks 500 years in teh future will understand, not this silly alt crap
Odysseus: kk
Hector: hey guys lets go into teh greek camp and get some infoz
Dolon: ill go
Hector: kk go
(Dolon goes in and gets captured by Diomedes, Agamemnon and Odysseus)
Dolon: no plz don kill me
Odysseus: don worry just tell us everything
(Dolon tells them everything)
Odysseus: kk diomedes kill this nub
(Diomedes hits Dolon for 13745 (critical))
(Dolon dies)
Odysseus: kk lets go kill sum sleeping trojans
Diomedes: kk
Menelaus: kk
(Diomedes hits Thracian Grunt for 16120 (critical))
(Thracian Grunt dies)
(Diomedes hits Thracian Grunt for 12449)
(Thracian Grunt dies)
(Odysseus hits Thracian Grunt for 13917)
(Thracian Grunt dies)
(Diomedes hits Thracian Grunt for 17314 (critical))
(Thracian Grunt dies)
(Menelaus hits Thracian Grunt for 11120)
(Thracian Grunt dies)
(Odysseus hits Thracian Grunt for 18040 (critical))
(Thracian Grunt dies)
(Odysseus hits Thracian Grunt for 7550 (glancing))
(Diomedes hits Thracian Grunt for 22945 (critical))
(Thracian Grunt dies)
(Odysseus hits Thracian Grunt for 17558 (critical))
(Thracian Grunt dies)
(Menelaus hits Thracian Grunt for 9840)
(Diomedes hits Thracian Grunt for 10520)
(Thracian Grunt dies)
Odysseus: kk were done
Menelaus: kk
Diomedes: kk
[edit] Book XI
Agamemnon: hay gusy wasnt that awesome when we killed all those thracians?
Menelaus: what thracians?
Odysseus: yea i don remember anything liek that
Agamemnon: we killed a whole bunch o thracians in their sleep
Menelaus: i don remember any o that us sure ur ok?
Agamemnon: kk i guess we can forget about it
(Random carnage, a whole bunch of people die)
[edit] Book XII
(Random carnage, Trojans destroy the Greek wall, another whole bunch of people die)
[edit] Book XIII
Zeus: nobody help the greeks let those nubs get the pwnership tehy deserve
Poseidon whispers: kekek im gonna sneak in and help the greeks
Poseidon: hey ajax go whack sum trojans
Ajax: which ajax?
Ajax: which ajax?
Poseidon: both of u nubs
(Random carnage, even more people die)
[edit] Book XIV
(Random carnage, people keep dying)
(Bug #175037 filed: respawn mechanic seems bugged)
Hera: hey zeus wanna go to bed wit me
Zeus: kk
Hera whispers: kekeke that was easy
(Poseidon keeps helping the Greeks with Zeus distracted)
(Ajax hits Hector for 9227)
(Hector is stunned)
Greeks: Get him!!!1!!111!1
Paris: o no u dont
Aeneas: o no u dont
Trojan captain: o no u dont
Trojan captain: o no u dont
Trojan captain: o no u dont
Greeks: crap
[edit] Book XV
Greeks: their captens injured!!1! quick kill those nubs!!1!
(Zeus heals Hector for 620159 (critical))
Hector: CHHHAAAAARRRGGGGEEE!
Greeks: crap wutz going on
(Hector hits Greek soldier for 21597 (critical))
(Greek soldier dies)
(Hector hits Greek soldier for 22015 (critical))
(Greek soldier dies)
(Hector hits Greek soldier for 12050)
(Hector hits Greek soldier for 9928)
(Greek soldier dies)
(Hector hits Greek soldier for 21597 (critical))
(Greek soldier dies)
[edit] Book XVI
Achilles: k patroclus i don feel liek fightin but if u wanna u can go in my armor an kill sum trojans
Patroclus: kk
Achilles: just don go too far cuz it might be dangerous
Achilles: cum back safely an let me do the fightin once we get teh beach back
Patroclus: zeus u cheater
Patroclus: kekeke im achilles im gana pwn u nubs
Trojan: gaa its achilles run for ur lives
Trojan: run
Trojan: run
(Myrmidon's backstab hits Trojan for 15229(critical))
(Trojan dies)
(Myrmidon hits Trojan for 7557)
(Myrmidon hits Trojan for 8927)
(Trojan dies)
(Myrmidon's backstab hits Trojan for 17159(critical))
(Trojan dies)
(Patroclus's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 12975)
(Patroclus's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 10230)
(Patroclus's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 16890(critical))
(Patroclus's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 13346)
(Patroclus's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 17036(critical))
(Patroclus's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 9630)
(Trojan dies)
(Trojan dies)
(Trojan dies)
(Trojan dies)
(Sarpedon's Spear misses Patroclus)
Zeus: no my son is gonna die i gotta save him
Hera: are u dum? if u save ur son all the other gms will save theirs and theres gana be chaos an shiz
Zeus: kk
(Patroclus's Spear hits Sarpedon for 29060 (critical))
(Sarpedon dies)
Zeus: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!1!!1!1111111!!!!!1!!!1111!!!1111!11!!!!!!!!11!!!111!!!1111!1!!1!11
Patroclus: quick grab the guys corpse so he cant respawn
Greeks: quick save the guys corpse
(Zeus casts Teleport on Sarpedon's corpse)
Patroclus: comon lets go pwn troy
(Apollo throws Patroclus back)
Patroclus: gogogo pwn troy!!1!
(Apollo throws Patroclus back)
Patroclus: KILL TEH TROJANZ!!!1!11!1
Apollo: ok thats it permaban time
(Apollo hits Patroclus for 195384)
(Euphorbus's Spear hits Patroclus for 21080(critical))
(Hector hits Patroclus for 8995)
(Patroclus loses 7370 health from Wound)
Hector: lol i pwnd u
Patroclus: lol u nub apollo pwnd me but ur gonna get the kb now
(Patroclus loses 7371 health from Wound)
Patroclus: cheater
Hector: lol
(Patroclus loses 7371 health from Wound)
Patroclus: unfortunately for u, ur also gonna take the reputation loss with achilles
Hector: wut?
(Patroclus loses 7370 health from Wound)
(Patroclus dies)
[edit] Book XVII
(Hector receives [Achilles's Armor])
Hector: quick get the guys body so we can ransom it
Greeks: quick get the guys body so they cant ransom it
Antilochus: wait i got an idea what if we got achilles in here
Antilochus: hes gonna be quite angry
Greeks: good idea
Antilochus: hi achilles
Achilles: sup
Antilochus: ur best friends dead
Achilles: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!1!!1!1111111!!!!!1!!!1111!!!1111!11!!!!!!!!11!!!111!!!1111!1!!
Achilles: mussssst killllll hectorrrrrrr
Thetis: wait i gotta give u new armor first
Achilles: first patroclus's body then the armor
Thetis: kk, just scare teh trojanz don fight dem
Achilles: kk
(Achilles casts Intimidating Shout)
(A whole bunch of Trojans run away in fear)
Achilles: quick grab teh body
(Greeks grab the body)
[edit] Book 18
Thetis: kk gms we need to make sum lvl 90 epics 4 achilles since he lost his armor
Hephaestus: 90?! but the cap in still 80
Thetis: i said lvl 90 epics
Hephaestus: kk
(Hephaestus forges Achilles's new armor and shield)
Thetis: kool thx
[edit] Book 19
Achilles: wow kool armor
(Achilles puts on Achilles's Armor)
Achilles: kk time 2 pwn nubs
(Achilles hits Trojan for 42719 (critical))
(Trojan dies)
(Achilles hits Trojan for 40117 (critical))
(Trojan dies)
(Achilles hits Trojan for 41463 (critical))
(Trojan dies)
(Achilles's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 35297 (critical))
(Achilles's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 37711 (critical))
(Achilles's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 33060 (critical))
(Achilles's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 39164 (critical))
(Achilles's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 37083 (critical))
(Achilles's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 38808 (critical))
(Achilles's Whirlwind hits Trojan for 38162 (critical))
(Trojan dies)
(Trojan dies)
(Trojan dies)
(Trojan dies)
(Trojan dies)
(Trojan dies)
(Trojan dies)
Trojans: run 4 ur lievz!!1!11!!!1!
[edit] Book 20
Zeus: kk gms fight 4 whatever side u wanna fight
Athena: w00t!!1!
Hera: w00t!!1!
Poseidon:w00t!!1!
(Achilles kills a whole bunch of Trojans)
[edit] Book 21
(Achilles hits Lycaon for 20125)
Lycaon: no, don kill me, ransom me for teh gp liek u did last time
Achilles: how about no
Lycaon: aww
(Achilles hits Lycaon for 52170 (critical))
(Lycaon dies)
Xanthus River: hey achilles stop polluting me with ur blood kk
Achilles: how about no
Xanthus: now im gonna drown you kekeke
[=======Breath=====|_]
Achilles: gah get it off of me
[=======Breath=|_____]
Achilles: no i need an honorable death not sum stupid drowning
[=====|_Breath_______]
Achilles: i need 2 kill hector!!1!
[=|_____Breath_______]
Hephaestus: no xanthus stop that
Xanthus: how about no
[_______Breath_______]
Hephaestus: stop that!!1!
(Achilles takes 20167 damage from drowning)
Hephaestus: ok thats it im gana pwn u with flame
Xanthus: but water beats fire
(Hephaestus's Fire hits Xanthus for 60755)
Xanthus: ow stop that
(Achilles takes 43355 damage from drowning)
Hephaestus: how about no
(Hephaestus's Fire hits Xanthus for 130937 (critical))
Xanthus: GAA STOP!!1!11!!1!
(Achilles takes 43356 damage from drowning)
Hephaestus: then release achilles
Xanthus: ok fine
[=|_____Breath_______]
[=====|_Breath_______]
[=======Breath=|_____]
[=======Breath=======]
Trojan gods: hey how dare u attack a gm hephaestus
Greek gods: THEOMACHY TIME!!1!
(Greek gms pwn Trojan gms IRL)
[edit] Book 22
Hector: hey look achilles is cumin
Hector: im gana be brave and kill him lol
Priam: no u fool
A whole bunch of other family members of Hector: no u fool
Hector: screw u all im gana fight
(gates close)
(Achilles starts to run at Hector)
Hector: crap
(Hector runs away)
Achilles: o no u dont
(Achilles chases Hector three times around the city. A whole bunch of Trojans get seizures from constantly moving their heads back and forth to watch the battle)
Hector: thats it im gana fight
(Hector turns around)
(Achilles's Spear misses Hector)
Hector: ha u don have ur spear im gana pwn u
Athena: crap
(Athena returns the spear to Achilles)
Achilles: look what i have again kekeke
(Achilles's Spear hits Hector for 228140(critical))
Achilles: kekeke i win
(Hector loses 8936 health from Wound)
Hector: fine, just respect mah corpse once i die
Achilles: lol
(Hector loses 8936 health from Wound)
Hector: btw u know ur gana die soon too, rite
Achilles: i dun care at least ur dead
(Hector loses 8937 health from Wound)
Hector: u'll die fighting at teh gates of troy
(Hector loses 8936 health from Wound)
(Hector dies)
Achilles: ok, why is it that everyone always lives just long enough to say the important stuff?
Homer: we need ratingz u fool
[edit] Book XXIII
Greeks: hey patroclus is dead lets celebrate!!1!
Achilles: w00t my best friend is dead lets play games for a week or 2
Greeks: w00t
(meanwhile, in Achilles's camp)
(Achilles hits Hector's corpse for 339(33828 blocked))
(Achilles hits Hector's corpse for 716(71489 blocked))
Zeus: protect the body keep the shield up we cant have this nub desecrating it!!1!
Zeus: and make sure the despawn timer doesn't trigger
[edit] Book Twenty Four
Zeus: ok thetis tell ur damn son to stop whacking the body and to return it
Thetis: kk
Thetis: achilles stop whacking the body and let sum random trojan take it back
Achilles: kk
Priam: ok heres the plan
Priam: im gana sneak into the enemy camp and ask nicely for the body
Hecuba: but achilles will kill u!!1!
Priam: i dun care
Hecuba: but... but...
Priam: bye
(Twenty Minutes later)
Priam: hey achilles can i have the body back
Achilles: kk
(Priam and Achilles suddenly and spontaneously cry for some reason)
Priam: kthx
Priam: bai
Achilles: and btw we wont attack for 12 dayz
Priam: kk
(And the Trojans bury Hector, breaker of horses)
(BTW, did you know that breaker of horses doesn't actually mean anything awesome, like "dragon slayer" does, but just means you're a horse farmer? Lame, I know)
[edit] Books XXVX-Fourty 8
(aka the Odyssey)
(Homer skips the cool parts about Troy getting sacked and goes 10 years into the future about some nub captain whose crewmen ate some holy cows and died in a whirlpool)
A whole bunch of people die.
And you suck..
You Got Rick Rolled
[edit] Humane Controversy
As the poem was written in the dark ages, before the formation of the PETA lobby, several horses were broken during the making of the epic by Nestor, "breaker of horses." The Trojans also known as the "breakers of oats" have been criticized frequently by various Oat Preservation organizations.
[edit] Character List and Descriptions
[edit] Acheans
- Achilles - Momma's boy; application for the Achaean Postal Service rejected due to his inability to control his "menis" or god-like wrath.
- Agamemnon - Once leader of a group of kindergarten schoolchildren; now believes he has the capacity to lead an entire army. The only army he's in control of are the ones attached him in a conga line. Everyone hates Agamemnon.
- Patroclus - his mom thought "Patrick" was a cool name, but his father wanted something cool, so your mom agreed to name him Patroclus
- Odysseus - a man not very good with directions; never take him along with you in downtown Urbania. The smartest out of everyone in the Greek Army, he could tell you what to do without getting hurt or making you fall on your face.
- Diomedes - Befriend him, whenever you meet him. He's the one with all the connections to the underworld and the snack bar.
- Great Ajax - Creator of a cleansing agent
- Little Ajax - Distributer of a cleansing agent
- Nestor - The old jerk and breaker of horses condoned by PETA.
- Menelaus - Agamemnon's pro-life brother who wants to dispose of as many Trojans as possible. Stole Helen away from that other creep Paris
[edit] The Trojans
- Hector - The Trojan who wreaks the most havoc and heck. Hence the name "Heck-tor".
- Priam - Hector's mother who has parenting issues. Like Oedipus's mom, Priam has a thing for her beautiful transvestite, Paris
- Paris - Hector's beautimous transvestite sibling and offspring of Priam with a pay-as-you-go cell phone plan. He's also a clone of Richard Nixon or some other 20th Century President of the United States.
- Anus- Another son of Priam, star of the Aeneid. Runs away a lot.
- Helen - Menelaus's boyfriend, seduced by Paris (what a nightmare, right?). Forced unwillingly (or willingly, who knows?) to be in the company of Trojans during copulation.
Paris and Menelaus battled it out for her. Paris quit, like a wimp (and coincedentially Richard Nixon) and let Menelaus have her. Helen freaked out and ran for it.
[edit] The Gods/Goddesses
- Zeus - The big old beer-drinking god sitting on his big blue recliner in front of the television of the Earth.
- Hera - The Love of Zeus's life.
- Athena - Minion of George Bush, which is a bit unlikely as she is the goddess of wisdom.
- Thetis - Achilleus's momma, but not your mom, so don't expect her to clean up after you.
[edit] Diomedes
This guy was a such a boss. In fact, he was so incredibly boss-like that he deserves an entire section dedicated to recording his chronicles of his extreme bossitude. When reading the Iliad, his sacred name isn't even uttered until Book V, at which point he pops out of the uterus of an F6 tornado (which is basically like every possible form of inclement weather crammed into one. This Hand-of-God 79x10^23-amp Electrolux makes a Lvl 357 King Black Dragon look like Orlando Bloom in Blackhawk Down when his puny ass falls out of the helicopter before any fighting whatsoever occurs.). When he appears, Iliad experts guarantee that the first thought to enter your mind upon reading his no-shit accounts of bossitude will be, approximately, "Holy shit! This guy is such a fucking BADASS!" And, depending on who you are, that may be the truest and most accurate thing you have ever thought in the entirety of your beinghood. That made sense. Anyway, Diomedes' prowess is not even matched by some of the gods... and if you didn't know, that's fucking awesome. He goes into the battle and he's just slaying dudes left and right. He's obviously an avid Pwnsauce drinker. When his KD ratio goes well over 1st place on the leaderboards, he decides to let some dude, Pandaros, screen cheat a little and wound him with his nasty shotty-snipe combo--right in the nipple, as expected. "This way", Diomedes figured, "the routine killing of those puny-ass Trojans can be at least slight challenging to my nasty ass." Eventually he gets tired of his impaled nipple getting blood all on his sexyass Ugz so, since he's got more connections than that dude in Transformers 2, he finally asks one of the big guns upstairs, Athena, to heal his righteous nipple. She does, and not without a whole bunch of excess nipple-fondling on her part. Now most people when they read this are like "Oh that's so cheap! He had to have a fucking GODDESS heal him. He needs help from a god. He's no special little cupcake." But to the Greeks, being helped by the gods makes you the baddest shit ever. It the second greatest honor possible, right beneath fathering their bastard children. But anyway, after she heals him, she tells him to watch his ass and not get any more abrasions and shit because she's got a date with some chicks from Lesbos and doesn't want to be bothered with any more nipple-healing. She also mentions that the best way to avoid getting schooled, is not to go up against the gods, especially when your shields are down. She throws in that it's fine to go against Aphrodite, because "she's kickass-able... and I'm pretty sure she ate some of my Mike-and-Ikes" (the sacred sustenance of the gods). Now, with both of his nipples back to their original boss-like state, Diomedes is ready to impale some more Trojan nipple. It is noted that he kills this dude Pandaros. Apparently this guy thought he was basically the shit. And Diomedes is like "Umm, apparently not. I just totally splasered both your nipples... LIKE A BOSS!" So Pandaros dies, and Diomedes takes his nipples as spoils and moves on to the next unfortunate Trojan ass to take him on. This time it's Aeneas. And it just so happens that while someone was recording footage for the movie "Troy", they picked up the conversation between Aeneas and Diomedes in the background. Though somewhat muffled, this is what was interpreted:
- Diomedes: Hey ANUS!
- Aeneas: What the FUCK did you just call me?
- Diomedes: That's your name, dumbshit. Anus. Not 3, not 4, but Anus.
- Aeneas: Yeah? Dumbhead...es!
- Diomedes: Dumbheades? Seriously? That's what they called me in... hmmm... like FOURTH FUCKING GRADE?!
- Aeneas: Well, maybe if your dudes would fuck off my city, they could scrounge up enough money to continue the school. You've been fucking with us for NINE YEARS, how the fuck are we supposed to run a school when you're constantly mooning us and making foul hand gestures from your ships. Geez, it's no thanks to you that I have a 2nd grade education, faggot.
- Diomedes: Faggot? Ok, that's it, no one questions my sexuality and lives. RAWR!
At this point, Diomedes gives Aeneas another beautiful nipple shot. But just as he's about to finish him off, the goddess Aphrodite swoops in out of nowhere from offstage and saves grabs Aeneas in an attempt to save him, but just as she's about to fly off with him, Diomedes (who was like just about to get an Overkill) slices her hand with his spear. He just wounded a fucking goddess. HE JUST WOUNDED A FUCKING GODDESS! HE JUST WOUNDED A FUCKING GODDESS!!! But unfortunately, he was aiming for her nipple, a perfect shot, and only hit her hand. This brought his Percentage Accuracy down to 97%. For someone who was as boss-like as Diomedes, this hurt. But he gets over it quickly, because it turns out that when Aphrodite the Hottie took Aeneas, she left his Warthog behind. Diomedes was so overjoyed, that he began driving around splattering Trojans left and right, and holding down 'R' and honking the whole time, and pulling himself back to 1st on the leaderboards. Pretty soon, Ares, the god of war, sees Diomedes having his joy ride and comes down in his hand-of-God chariot to plasma his Warthog and end his Killing Spree. This means holy-shit time for Diomedes. He sees a big red dot on his radar closing in on him. He looks up just in time to see Ares plummeting out of the sky, a bag of Swedish Fish in one hand, reins in the other. Diomedes holds 'X' and dives out of the Warthog just in time. He turns around and throws a spear at Ares just as he turns around. BOOM! Nippleshot! Ares is hurt bad, and goes crying back to mommy on Mt. Olympus. Diomedes just wounded the fucking god of war. DIOMEDES JUST WOUNDED THE FUCKING GOD OF WAR! DIOMEDES JUST WOUNDED THE FUCKING GOD OF WAR!!! Diomedes was all like "Yeah Athena? Don't fuck with the gods? Yeah, well I just did, and I fucking gave Ares a NIPPLESHOT... while he was flying through the fucking air! I JUST WOUNDED THE FUCKING GOD OF WAR!!! I don't need any of your shit anymore, I can fuck with the gods all I want." Diomedes obviously, is an avid lover of the word 'fuck', and all its glorious forms. He also gets his hair cut at Supercuts, and eats Thomas brand English muffins. With butter. Not only all these things, but Diomedes is very underrated. His Homer's-attention-getting skills are like... 0. I'm thinking he kinda fell out of favor with the gods by wounding some of them. Maybe they put like some sort of "Diomedes ban" out. Maybe they censored him out of the Iliad... and missed Book V. I don't know and I don't fucking CARE. He's still the shit, like it or not.
[edit] Other Important Characters Whose Names Start with A
- A'bas - Killed in chapter 5 line 148
- Able'ros - Killed in chapter 6 line 33
- A'damas - killed in chapter 13 line 560
- Adres'tos - killed in chapter 11 line 328, killed in chapter 6 line 37, killed in chapter 16 line 693
- Agas'trophos - killed in chapter 11 line 338
- Agela'os - killed in chapter 8 line 257, killed in chapter 11 line 302
- Ai'nios - killed in chapter 21 line 210 by Achilleus
- Aise'pos - killed in chapter 6 line 21
- Aisym'nos - killed in chapter 11 line 303
- A'kamas - killed in chapter 16 line 342, killed in chapter 6 line 8
- Alas'tor - killed in chapter 5 line 677
- Alkan'dros - killed in chapter 5 line 678
- Alkath'oos - killed in chapter 13 lines 427-444
- Alkma'on - killed in chapter 12 line 394
- Amopa'on - killed in chapter 8 line 276
- Amphi'klos - killed in chapter 16 line 131
- Amphi'machos - killed in chapter 13 line 185
- Amphi'os - killed in chapter 11 line 328, killed in chapter 5 line 612
- Ampho'teros - killed in chapter 16 line 415
- Anchi'alos - killed in chapter 5 line 609
- Anti'phates - killed in chapter 12 line 192
- An'idotes - killed in chapter 18 line 21
- An'tiphos - killed in chapter 11 line 101
- A'phareus - killed in chapter 13 line 541
- Apisa'on - killed in chapter 11 line 578, killed in chapter 17 line 348
- Arche'lchos - killed in chapter 14 line 463
- Archepto'lemos - killed in chapter 8 line 312
- Arei'lykos - killed in chapter 16 line 308
- Arei'thoos - killed in chapter 8 line 137, killed in chapter 20 line 487 by Achilleus
- Areta'on - killed in chapter 6 line 31
- Are'tos - killed in chapter 17 line 517
- Asai'os - killed in chapter 11 line 301
- Asios - killed in chapter 13 line 389
- Aska'laphos - killed in chapter 13 line 519
- Asteropai'os - killed in chapter 21 lines 140-183 by Achilleus
- Asty'alos - killed in chapter 6 line 29
- Asty'noos - killed in chapter 5 line 144
- Asty'pylos - killed in chapter 21 line 209 by Achilleus
- Atym'nios - killed in chapter 16 line 317
- Auto'noos - killed in chapter 11 line 301, killed in chapter 16 line 694
- Ax'ylos - killed in chapter 6 line 12
[edit] See also
[edit] External Links
Freaks and Greeks
| Greek: | Greek gods - Greek mythology - Greek language - Greek Empire - Greek War of Independence (video game) - Byzantine Empire (mostly Greek) |
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| Gods & Titans: | Zeus - Poseidon - Aphrodite - Chaos - Chronos - Hermaphrodite - Athena - Hades - Prometheus |
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| Greek Speak: | The Aeneid - The Iliad - The Odyssey - The Destiniad - Oedipus the King |
