The Hunchback of Notre Dame
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“A witty saying proves France.”
~ Voltaire
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"Aliens"-themed Disney horror film |
The Hunchback of Notre Dame is an 1831 horror novel by Victor Hugo based on the real-life tragedy of Quasimodo, the bellringer of Notre Dame, Paris, who was killed after a large lump on his back unexpectedly exploded due to an alien-hatching error.
[edit] Folklore
Known as "Man-Camel" in Arabian Folklore, he terrorized countless villages in an attempt to appease his hunger for human flesh. At first, he hunted from the shadows, targeting peasants and gaining little attention. After a while though, his hunger grew, as did his thirst for power, so he began gathering followers, creating a group known as "The Forty Thieves." After a mishap with a man known as "Ali Baba" he left the thieves in search of a more direct route to power. He stumbled upon the city of Agrabah, making an appearance in Disney's Aladdin disguised as Iago the parrot. His plans were once again foiled by Aladdin, whom he later learned was Ali Baba himself. He has since vanished into the desert, rumored to be headed to France.
[edit] Plot
In the year 1482, Paris is one of the cultural centers of the world. The food quite literally is bad, the Black Death are performing at sellout concerts across the city and the water supply has been cut off for 10 years, leaving people to resort to drinking their own urine. In the darkened times, many turn to religion, and to the cathedral of Notre Dame, where the Archdeacon (who is a complete old grouch) offers sanctuary at a fairly reasonable price. But as all of this happens, the Archdeacon keeps yet another secret in the belltower. The very first person who sought sanctuary in the Cathedral, but was so hideous that the Archdeacon employed him as bellringer for the wage of 0 francs per year. That person is Quasimodo, who got injured when playing for the church's college football team. As the years pass, Quasi remains alone as the hunch grows, and he also becomes sexually frustrated. One day, a rude gypsy named Esmeralda breaks into the cathedral and causes all manner of damage as all gypsies do to any decent society. She makes her way to the belltower and proceeds to rape Quasi, spitting in one of his eyes and stealing his money. These actions push Quasi over the limit, and he snaps, killing Esmeralda and using her body as a sex toy until it grows smelly and slimy, when Quasi decides to find others to kill and rape. Over the next month, Quasi stabs several young women to death and rapes their corpses in the belltower, throwing their bodies into the River Seine when they grow too smelly. However, so much necrophilia wakes up people to his actions, and they set off to Notre Dame to kill him, but arrive in time to see Quasi in his death throes as he dies of AIDS, and his hunch has burst, and a demonic creature that hatched from it has already turned to stone in the sunlight, becoming a gargoyle. Realizing what they have done, the citizens of Paris give Quasi a decent burial, and massacre the gypsies of France.
[edit] Cast
- Samuel L. Jackson - Quasimodo
- Demi Moore - Esmeralda
- Arnold - The Archdeacon
- Lord Xenu - Judge Claude Frollo
- Jim Carrey - Clopin
- Bruce Willis - Phoebus
- This Guy- Hugo the Gargoyle
- John Goodman - Victor the Gargoyle
- Joan Rivers - Laverne the Gargoyle
- Jane Withers - Additional dialogue for Laverne
- Ronald Reagan - The Gipper
- That guy from "Rudy" - Rudy
- Vanessa Hudgens - Ronald McDonald's Identical Twin Brother
