The Human Race

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Handsome runner
A participant in the Human Race

The human race was a race traditionally held every year during the dead of winter in Paris. It was originally created to distract Frenchmen from the fact that they were cold, probably losing a war, and depressingly French. From France, the practice slowly spread throughout the globe. Today, the practice is banned in northern Canada and southeastern Australia (due to the fact that it involves nearly every human right violation to date) but is encouraged elsewhere for the same reason.

edit Objectives

The main objective of the human race is to find out what the race’s purpose is. While some are able to find their purpose through years of meditation, and reading, most fail. Some participants find false purposes such as gaining as much money, power, or fame as possible during their run. These lost participants step all over other members of the race to reach the “top.” Others maintain that the purpose of the race is to find “Love” despite the fact that recent studies have proven that love does not actually exist. Of course, most people naturally assume that the goal is to gather as many pinecones as possible using only trained armadillos (like it is in most games).

edit Game play

The participants line up at the start and wait for a handgun to be fired. (Note: some variations of the game require the handgun to be fired randomly into the audience, to cause excitement and drama). After it is fired, they participants run until they pass out, after which they lie on the ground for several hours. Nobody is quite sure what happens after this or how the game is played, as most surviving spectators have either fallen asleep or left by this point. Some people speculate that the players eventually play a game similar to soccer for points. These people are called lunatics.

edit Entering the Race

Exclamation1 REMEMBER:

Be responsible! have your human spayed or neutered today.

Entering your human in the Human Race is quick and easy! First, acquire a human (preferably a useless peasant or other equally expendable person) through dragooning, kidnap, abduction, capture, taking them hostage, arrest, or any other socially acceptable means. Then, simply fill out a straightforward and concise 37 page wavier, which, in clear 1 point font, lists a few of the possible…… um… risks involved with the game. After that, package and ship your human, along with a $27 shipping and handling fee, to PO box 4503 Old Mill, British Columbia. If your human passes our 12 point inspection, you are free to race it at all AHA (American Human Association) approved tracks in America. (For an easy to understand guide on registering in other countries, click here.)

edit Things Not To Enter

Here is a list of things that if entered into the human race, will be instantly disqualified,

  • Penguins
  • Menstruating snow gerbils
  • Pumpkins
  • Giraffes
  • Aluminium Oxide
  • Venezuelean Beaver Cheese
  • Potatoes
  • Yellow Snow
  • Grue
  • Lady Ga Ga
  • Your Mom
  • Clocks
  • Chipmunks
  • Scrabble Boards
  • Paris Hilton
  • And anything else that is not human...

edit Controversy

edit Weather

Some scientists have concluded that since the race is always run directly against the earth's rotation, it effects the lengths of days. They feel that overtime, the earth could start "goin all crazy an shit" which could potentially cause severe weather or "other stuff" in China, Vermont, London, and Middle Earth. After over six years of research into the matter, their opposition has come to the consensus that "it's all bullshit." In a prepared statement to the Associated Press, the protagonists defended their original argument with "no it isn't."

edit Some Other Thing

There's some other controversy about the race, it has something to do with all the deaths and hardship and stuff it causes, but I won't bore you with all that.

edit Advertisements

Of far more relevance and interest to us all, are the complicated legal arguments surrounding the race! Essentially, the owners of a team wanted to advertize as allowed by statement 44EF-C of France's legal system. However, since the race was never held in an official stadium, 44EF-C was nullified due to the measure stated in section 3 paragraph 37. Of course, the defending attorneys tried to argue the case in fact fell under the jurisdiction of statement 67A4-9 due to the particulars defined in section 5 (pages 38-956). Unfortunately, their argument was complicated by law #435-Q, since it clearly violated the terms as stated under section 77-E. Nevertheless, because the race was registered under 88-4C regulations, it qualified for treatment listed in section 77-K rather than 77-E. But, paragraph 84 of 77-K seemed to undermine the entire argument. Obviously, they counter argued using the 1st and 3rd sentence of paragraph 84, thus temporarily avoiding the whole mess. Seeing through this charade, the opposition enacted section 36 of WH-9. As you have probably guessed, the defenders eventually settled under conditions 77-T9, allowing them the benefits as listed on page 65. Still, the topic is still fervently debated outside of court by students for fun.

edit Legacy

While the game has had many lasting effects on our society, the UN has felt the most profound effects. While drafting their ineffective and often ignored list of human rights, the UN was inspired by the human race to add some new rights. These include, but are not limited to:

  • The right to at least one orange a day
  • The right to not be burned alive, packed into a sock, and thrown with a trebuchet to the finish line to save time (although catapults are acceptable)
  • The right to fair treatment by referees
  • The right to all limbs (even arms)
  • The right to not be pursued by large trained animals of any kind
  • The right to not be forced to pursue large trained animals of any kind

edit Additional Info

  • A complete history of the French
  • Racing Hotline: 1-800-some-random-number
  • Other popular races
  • Random stuff about gnomes
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