The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy/old

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DON'T PANIC!!!


“In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the western hemisphere of the planet Earth, Uncyclopedia has already supplanted Wikipedia as the standard repository for all knowledge and wisdom. For although, it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work, in two important respects. First, it averages 1 Zero Wing reference every 3 words; and second, it has the wisdom of Oscar Wilde inscribed at the top of every article. ”
“The history of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is now so complicated that every time I tell it I contradict myself, and whenever I do get it right I'm misquoted. So the publication of this omnibus edition seemed like a good opportunity to set the record straight--or at least firmly crooked.”

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a book that is commonly known as the best guide to life in existence and also as an invaluable resource for the sex tourists of the Milky Way. It teaches all the skills needed to be a leech, how to properly use a towel and, most importantly, how to mix specific/incredibly dangerous alcoholic beverages. This book, in sales, popularity and morality, surpassed The Bible as the standard reading material of life. It is currently fighting an uphill battle with The Da Vinci Code.

However, some of the chief reasons this book surpasses The Bible, Encyclopedia Galactica, Encyclopedia Drammatica and 53 more things to do in zero gravity as the standard book of all life are...

  1. It's slightly cheaper to print.
  2. It teaches you how to fly (psst! the trick is to throw yourself at the ground and miss! ---- Of course you have to be distracted by a completely irrelevant happening of phenomenon consequences that you have to ignore for this to work. . . you'll get the hang of it, trust me!)
  3. It's slightly easier to read.
  4. It has the words Don't Panic! printed on large friendly letters on the cover.
  5. It does not offend non-Christians or Christians for that matter but it offends everyone equally.
  6. It contains The Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything. A glaring omission of The Bible:

The Answer to Life...the Universe...and Everything is......42!

edit THE QUESTION

"What do you get when you multiply six by nine?"(only works in base 13, but who makes jokes in base 13) Either that or: How many roads must a man walk down? How long 'till the universe explodes? and Pick a number. ANY number.

For any questions that can't be answered by the number 42, the answer cannot be found here

Due to the relationship between the answer and the question if this is answered correctly the correct answer will immediately become incorrect. The real answer will become "No time at all". One critic noted that the question and answer may be in need of a couples therapist.

edit The Guide's Article on Alcohol is Favored Over That of Any Other Reference Source.

Within the pages of this book, Douglas Adams has created a wasteland filled with depressed robots, men with two faces, and doors that are more polite than a typical human. No wonder it was followed by six sequels. The continual draw was the revealing of the answer to life, the universe, and everything, i.e. 42. Also, this has been verified by Albert Einstein who came back from the dead to have a Whopper at Burger King. (no, he did not order a large fries and Coke) Elvis Presley, on the other hand, just sold his spaceship and is permantly stuck at "The Kings Bar and Grill".

Spaceplane

The dolphins leaving Earth in a modified aeroplane just before the Earth's destruction

edit Fact or Fiction? (fact)

There has been much debate over whether The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy is true or not. Those who say it is fact cite the fact that Douglas Adams said it is true, which was all the confirmation needed for The Bible, but others who say that it is fiction simply say, "I do NOT want to be in the same universe as that robot. No, really, what's wrong with its head?". Moreover, they invariably panic upon reading the front cover so they never really get around to finishing reading the book.

It has been rumoured that most scientists loudly denounce the book at parties, though no one attends these parties and hence it has been hard trying to verify and confirm this source. Moreover, scientists do not get invited to other people's parties (unless they are required to make the party fly).

There are others, however, who go as far as to debate the existence of Douglas Adams. Allegedly born in 1952, no current records show that such a place as Cambridge, England exists other than as a disused part of Disneyland, California as a prop for the 'It's a small world' exhibit with the singer possessing the Cockney accent.

Another group of people came to realize that Douglas Adams is none other than Arthur Dent himself, trying to get some money out of his so called 'big' adventure. I mean, everyone could have done something more thrilling, than travelling around the galaxy, come on! I've done more impressive things asleep.

Hitchhikers1

The square-wheeled bike!

Everything is true, however, when the existence of infinite universes is accepted. One merely has to travel to the correct parallel to prove a point of debate. This has led to a much more confusing universe. But the scientists do not get invited regardless of which universe they choose to occupy. If you wish to gain more information, you may choose to read many of the fine books on the proper usage of quantum hypermathematics in self-lubrication, a skill so impossibly complex that it is almost impossible to learn unless you are a scientist. All the quantummathematicians, on the other hand, are busy trying to come up with a mathematical proof that unequivocally proves the validity of 42. However, they are stuck since they have recently come up with the proof that 41 is the answer. Although they had not engaged the services of Carol Vorderman on British cult quiz "Countdown" to solve this once and for all.

“ In an infinitely large universe, such as, for instance, the one in which we live, anything; even the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy; is POSSIBLE, when other things are NOT! -- especially when you own a digital watch.”
~ HHGTTG Book One.

Is that not proof enough? ---- If you do not believe, you will be nibbled to death by an okapi! You have been warned.

“ Never underestimate the power of stupidity! The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is soooo stupid, that it believes that if you can't see it, IT CAN'T SEE YOU.”
~ Misquote from the HHGTTG.

edit The Salmon of Doubt Code

This is an article about The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. This is not that story, despite what the name and the rest of the guide implies. Our story here is that the alleged 'Douglas Adams', after writing the Hitchhiker's Guide series, wrote half of a book. Well, he fully intended to write a proper whole one, with all sorts of niggly bits and ooh aahs and the like.

However, using the multiple answers universe theory, he jumped over to another universe that had the correct answer on his Trivial Pursuit question in regards to the proper ratio of fish to chips. What this does in our universe, is give the appearance that one is not living.

Unable to return from his victorious game, 'Mr. Adams' body was summarily stored in an underground facility awaiting retrieval of elements. His legacy, it seems, is a very more confusing book than the others compounded by the inexplicable fact that it appears to have no finish, stopping halfway through the narrative. However, researchers have discovered that the first letter every fifth noun begins to spell a sentence. "A pig is the circ" is all that has been translated so far, but theoretical theorists feel the second half of this novel may reveal the structure of the universe, itself.

Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman and others have refused to attempt to complete the novel, a bit upset since the last time they saw 'Douglas' he won a Trivial Pursuit game quite unexpectedly and still owe him five quid. And Terry had the little yellow piece that looks like a cheese too.


edit Radio and Maggs

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was adapted to a popular radio program in the UK, the program (titled) Dirty Maggs was one of the most sought after documentary/romantic drama of the 21st century. The show was partly based on The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the Chronicles of Narnia it housed a classic cast such as the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger,Kenny Powers,Dr. Dre and Pamela Anderson. During the success of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, producer Dirk Maggs aka Dirty Maggs was attacked by intruders raiding his villa in Zihuatanejo, the judge of the court case told the press that "Maggs left the fight almost unscathed, but for his one testicle", there was controvosey of Magg's action, due to the deaths of his intruders, "I am not skeptical of the situation at all, I don't think it's immoral or wrong to mow your intruders down with a M1919 Browning machine gun, I would have done the same!"

edit False Rumours (as in, everything below is not the opposite of not not TRUE)

  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is NOT promoting the legalisation of astrophysicists
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy was NOT written by God
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy is NOT an alternative to the bible (It is, however, a newer, more accurate, and "updated" version of it.)
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy tells you everything you do NOT want to know (This website, however, does)
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy does NOT include an article on Vogon Porn, this can be found at www.vogonbigcock.com
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy does NOT tell you how Kurt Cobain died although it does contain information of how to kill his followers.
  • In Soviet Russia The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy does NOT look for information in YOU!!
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy does NOT tell you how to get in a stranger's car and travel the universe
  • Do panic
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy does NOT tell you The Meaning Of Life. That's Monty Python's job. The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy does tell you The Answer To Life, the Universe, and Everything though some controversy has occurred as to whether said answer is 42 or 54.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy does NOT know who your real father is, either.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a trilogy.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is NOT a trilogy.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy does NOT provide instructions for raising the dead.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy does provide instructions for raising the dead, like Circe.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, while cheaper than most standard encyclopedias and provides more information, does NOT provide pronunciation rules.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy contains detailed instructions on how to avoid being eaten by the grue.
  • Janx spirit can seriously damage health.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is better than Google.
  • Zaphod Beeblebrox has made a sex tape with Paris Hilton...but the DVD is only available as region 1138 format.
  • The character of Trillian was NOT inspired by Oscar Wilde however the character of Zaphod Beeblebrox was.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is NOT spelled with any hyphens, dashes, spaces etc. However since Megadodo Publications have entered negotiations with the BBC, possibly in the future this will be possible.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy IS an alternative to the Church of the Fonz.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is NOT a sacred book in the Scientology Cult.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy does however, have an excellent recipe for Thetans; deep fried and served in a hot peppercorn sauce.
  • The restaurant at the end of the universe does allow its customers to carve thetans straight from the prostrate forms of captured scientologists, to ensure unrivalled freshness as well as to gain its second Michelin Star.
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide IS an alternative to church altogether.
  • the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy is not to be confused with the Hot-chick Guide to Drinking
  • There are no pictures of Mos Def in the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
  • Bob Barker is NOT better than the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. (Sorry Folks).
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy does spell out the plot of Cloverfield, as well as a wonderful recipe for the parasites that are featured in the movie.
  • The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy is NOT based on a windows platform. It uses LMOS
  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy does NOT tell you how to find Doub-O, or where he is.
  • Nothing is more fun, than a big massive group panicing.

edit X-Play

X-Play give The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 3 towels out of 5.

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