The History of The World, Condensed Into One Uncyclopedia Article
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“It's like history in Campbell’s soup form!”
In the beginning, there was God (aka, Chuck Norris). He soon got bored. Thus, he created the Genesis. This consisted of a legendary beast who was so altered, even whilst transformed he died. God got pissed at this, so he hit the almighty 'RESET' button. He then created a terror known as roll-playing games, but after wasting 17 years powering up his avatar, he decided to fuck it and create the Earth instead.
edit Beginning of Life (120,000,000,000 BC -to- 3 BC)
Contrary to popular belief, the Earth was not created in a meager six days. For a good chunk of time the Earth was just a big boiling bank robbery. Several billion years later, it finally got cool enough for water to form. After another billion years the most very basic plants appeared, followed by the animals another hundred-thousand years later. But these creatures just got so big and cocky that God felt like being anti-productive, so he sent a big rock into the Earth and those animals died.
Then things got biblical. God took his favorite swine and proceeded to slaughter it. From the dead body, he took some ribs and turned them into dust. Miraculously (and against all scientific principles), that dust somehow managed to form the first human beings. However, the female was not too bright, and fell victim to a sly serpent who told her, of all things, to eat an apple. As a punishment, God decided to take away humans’ immortality, along with their ability to go super-saiyan.
After this incident, life went on as normal, aside from the massive accounts of incest. Things got so disgusting, God sent a flood to wipe out all of the sinners and their inbreed offspring, leaving only eight to survive (little did he know that doing this would only trigger another massive wave of incest).
edit The Jesus Years (3 BC -to- 33 AD)
Things were going fairly well, till the Vikings showed up. Like bloody pirates they ransacked the land, stealing the good peoples’ goats and Mercedes, bludgeoning defenseless sanitation workers with planks of wood, and just all around were raising hell. God wasn’t too pleased to see his lifelong work being all mucked up by Vikings, so he decided to send a delegate to enforce his word.
And before long, a small weakling was formed. This new life promptly died. Undeterred, God then sent many a group of certain annoying individuals, but the Vikings, angered by their persistent evangelistic practices, rampaged against these people and drove them out of the land. After this, God took an awful risk and sent his own ‘son’ down to talk to these Vikings, Jesus. Jesus went on to spread love and peace to many good folk, and established what would become his very own fanbase. Jealous of this man’s almost-celebrity status, the Vikings sent forth their Jewish sponsors to do away with this opposition. Miraculously, the once thought to be immortal man Jesus was actually succumbed to death (sources say that Jesus went down because of his sense of honor. However, more modern opinions have suggested that Jesus would have had a better chance if he were to just smite all of the Vikings in the first place). Naturally, this angered God beyond belief, and he has refused to communicate with his creation ever since.
edit Medieval Times (34 AD -to- 1599 AD)
The night before he died, Jesus organized a blood drive with his fellow followers. During the event, Jesus had poured some of his blood into a golden chalice and gave it to his disciples to drink. This simple action caused the cup to have the power of immortality, but unfortunately it went missing soon after. Many years later in 932 AD, the first of many quests was made in order to find this holy grail.
Graham Chapman King Arthur began what would become the most famous crusade for the grail. Along with his trusty steed and a host of wondrous utencils imported from the tropics by swallow, Arthur and his Knights rode across medieval Europe in search of clues. However, his efforts were all in vain, as at the end he was falsely accused of 2nd-degree manslaughter and public sillyness by the British police.
Throughout the times, society was comparable to living in a sewer. Walking down the streets of a village, one could find people relieving themselves in the street, peasants selling various fruits and sun hats, and the occasional farm animal roaming wild. Castles were magnificent; 40-foot tall stone structures filled with awe-inspiring towers, palaces, and orthodox churches. But not all could gain entrance to these fortresses, only those powerful or who sucked-up enough could even dream of acting as the court jester.
Disease was a large problem in these towns as well. Rats, fleas, and Mexicans spread influenza like the free buttons and pencils found at Star Trek conventions.
Shit New Age Hits the Fan (1600 AD -to- 1899 AD)
The world's condition was surprisingly bright around the early 1600s. Britain was branching off into the recently-discovered Americas, China was actually wealthy, those pompous French were trying to rule the world again, and pirates in the Caribbean were thriving. However, like usual some radicals in the colonies of North America were getting ideas. They have been going steady with Great Britain for quite some time, but there were problems arousing in their relationship. Britain was beginning to get controlling, and young America decided it was time to break up. After they dumped England in a text message, the Brits went into denial and started forming what would turn into many quarrels with their ex (they secretly still love each other though, but they won't admit it).
After going their separate ways, the two nations were free to explore fields in technology and the arts. After the advent of the telegraph, the prospect of phone sex took off, as evidenced by this transcript of the first phone sex conversation via telegraph:
.- .-. . -.-- --- ..- .-. . .- -.. -.-- ..--.. .. .----. -- .- -... .. - -. . .-. ...- --- ..- ... .-.-.- -.. --- -. .----. - -... . .-.-.- .... . .-. . .-- . --. --- --- .... -.-- . .- .... .-.-.- --. --- -.. ..-. .- ... - . .-. --..-- -- .- -. .-.-.- .... . .-. . .. - -.-. --- -- . ... .- .... --- .... -- -.-- --. --- -.. .-.-.- .. .----. -- -.. --- -. . .-.-.-
The economy also rocketed, as the invention of the automobile and railroad made the traveling prostitute much more profitable.
edit Help! It's the 20TH CENTURY!!! (1900 AD -to- 1932 AD)
After the advent of all this miraculous technology, the world's governments searched for the perfect way to show off these inventions. Thus, World War I began.
For five years, the battle raged on in Europe. Plagued with obsolete battle tactics, terrible hygiene, and mass hysteria, the war was considered a monstrous failure. As a result hundreds of thousands of troops died/went insane, Snoopy gained a lifelong enemy, and New Zealand was nearly blown to bits. In lieu of the recent outbreak of violence, God decided to instead of helping his creation to recover, to smite the world with a great pestilence in 1919. The world was a sad place.
But before long, the struggling nations got back on their feet. In the mid-1920s the economy got back up, The Three Stooges rose to power, and big bands filled the earth with their hypnotic swing jazz. Everything was going good. Which meant something shall go wrong VERY soon. Almost by magic, the great Sock Market crash of 1929 hit. The exact cause of this catastrophe is still unknown, however, research has pointed towards the fact that the soaring economic condition led to people being able to buy shoes, thus leading towards the lowing of sock production. However, winter hit hard that year and the demand on socks skyrocketed, but the supply was greatly limited. Thus, people resulted to using anything from paper bags to cold oatmeal as methods to keep their feet warm, which threw the entire balance of the world's economy out of whack.
edit All Hell Breaks Loose (1933 AD -to- 1945 AD)
“I like Parties!”
Before the First World War (also known as the Great War, as folks back then didn't think that something on this scale would ever happen again. WRONG!), there was a small Austrian lad named Hitler. Growing up, his parents remarked that he loved to take control of things, and had an interesting fascination with exploding toy soldiers with fireworks. Seeing potential, Hitler's parents did what any parents would be happy to do: send their child away to military school. Exposed to the rigid life of the military, young Hitler blossomed into a very cunning and stylish man.
After the great Sock Market crash of '29 subsided, Germany was in a very poor and sock-less state. Seeing his chance, Hitler launched his government campaign. As a springboard, Hitler promised his nation
total world domination unlimited access to the finest wool socks, as well as death to all Jews lowered prices on motzaballs. It was during this time that Hitler grew his iconic moustache and developed an interest in pretending that his hand was an airplane. On January 30th, 1933 Hitler was sworn in as evil emperor chancellor of Germany.
In late 1938, Hitler held a conference with the Coloradoan ambassador named Mr. Cartman. After discussing matters regarding manbearpigs and balls, the two got on the topic of Germany's Jewish population. Mr. Cartman described to Hitler how a local Jewish boy in his hometown had caused him too much stress and hardship, Hitler decided that he did not want to see this happen to not just his people, but all of Europe. He then had an epiphany: if he were to crusade the land and remove all Jewish influence from Europe, he would be most loved by the worlds populous.
Thus World War II began.
For the next 6 years, Europe was like a moshpit without the awesome music. Giant battles raged, Jews were killed, massive bombings of cities were staged, Jews were killed, Nazi influence spread across western Europe, Switzerland didn't do anything, Jews were killed, Allied armies began to make advances towards Germany, Jews were killed, Jews were killed, Hitler was surrounded on all sides, Jews were maimed then allowed to heal then killed, and Jews were killed.
Meanwhile over in the Pacific Ocean, the Japanese were feeling left out. All the nations around them were too busy fighting to even notice their little island. But then they realized something. The reason why they were so ignored is that their island was just so tiny. Sure, they had millions of people and about three times as many rats, but their country was just a blip on the map (a speck of dirt compared to neighboring Russia) But then they had an epiphany: America was busy kickin' ass on the European front, which meant they left their back door open in the Pacific Ocean.
On December 7th, 1941, the Japanese
anally raped snuck up on America's rear flank- Pearl Harbor. After this surprise and unwanted entering of their backside, the Americans fought back hard and erect. Midway between their friends Marsh Al and Phillip Innes, the Americans unleashed hell upon Japanese lieutenant Iwo and his Jima warriors. Once this obstacle was cleared, it left an open path for Americans to drop their load on Japan's mainland. With this, the war was over. For now.
edit Like, Most Totally Bodacious Times, Man! (1946 AD -to- 1969 AD)
After the events of World War II ended in 1945, the events that transpired for the rest of the decade were so insignificant, many top historians believe that the time period between 1946 and 1949 never even existed.
Things started back up again in 1950, as culture went through a large boom. Due to the escalating space-race, popular culture was fitted around 'Sci-Fi Deco', with buildings, cars, and TV shows styled after this theme.
Social class went through another major shift during his time. Prior to the events in the 50s-60s, men were viewed as the main role in the family and women’s' only role was cooking, cleaning, and spawning offspring. However, with the advent of I Love Lucy, women slowly gained a small 'kick-ass' status, thus earning various real jobs such as secretaries and telephone operators.
Culture continued to evolve throughout the 1960s. during this time a certain species of insect rose to power, and swarmed much of those living in the US and Europe. Also, due to the influence of a particular woman named Mary Jane, there was a noted rise in the hippie movement: during the late 60s, there was a reported 300% increase of lava lamp sales, and Volkswagon could barely keep up with the demand on their VW Microbus.